What to do? Re grandma and daughter's clothes

[DaisyJ]

The above seems to be a response to my post.
Ohhhhh, good gracious. I actually did see this coming. I have been around the DIS a long time.

I was an adult when I graduated. Many many people I know were adults, or their highschoolers are, or will be adults.
And, if not... a matter of days or weeks. Really....

Sorry, but I think some of you run the risks of being just exactly like the MIL in this scenario.

It is all about personal boundaries, people,
Healthy and positive personal boundaries.
Too many people just simply do not even begin to know what that means.

To the poster who was 'forced' to wear a certain wedding dress to their own wedding.
Unless somebody held you a gunpoint, you were not forced.

My daughter is years away from being an adult, so your point is moot.

 

[mjkacmom]

Limitations on costs, of course, do apply!!!
And, as far as Prom goes, I would guess that most schools have some kind of expectations and dress code to maintain some level of appropriate.
I was not referring to those to issues, at all.
So, I do stand by my post.

And, Mouse House Mama...
The control is evident....
I do not think I am making any automatic assumptions.
This is from the original post:

To do something nice would be... "Here is some cash/check/debit card etc... I would love to help pay for a new dress for DGD's event!!!"
That is not what I think I am seeing in the OP's posts here.
I would have absolutely NO problem, ZERO, with that nice gift/gesture.
Never said I would.
The difference in opinions and tastes, and the expectation of some say-so and control do seem to be the issue.
Again, I do stand by my post.

No dress code here! Prom dress shopping can be so painful for mom's, if the dress is in the right price range, and isn't indecent, mom says thank goodness this is over, and pays for it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think the age gap is showing. I'm 50 and back when First Communion dresses were not casual at all. And looking at a web site those dresses are not at all what I would consider a First Communion dress.

I'm no help I'm afraid as I'm torn on this one. Part of me says to dress your daughter how you and her like. Another part says, is it that big of a deal to put her in a fancy dress for an hour? I just lost my Grandma last year, and I would love the chance to show her a fancy dress one more time. So I guess I'm leaning towards letting Grandma buy her a fancy dress and have her wear it for mass. And then change right after. I don't think it is so horrible a demand to give in to.

I'm the same age, and they seem about the same to me. Here is a photo of MIL, I think it's Confirmation. Keep in mind she lived on a farm in he Midwest when this was taken - the sacraments are not casual events.

 

[quandrea]

Spoke to mil. I told her about dd's need for a cotton dress. We will go with the one dd picked out. She is just happy to give the gift.

As for son, we are going to see how his outfit fits in a month or so and go from there. Mil will buy his shoes at this time. I'll take the twins next week for those.

As I thought, she just wants to give. I was so afraid of raining on her parade but she is okay with our choices.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I'm glad your mom saw the light on the dress and your DD's comfort. I'm sure she's coming from a place of love and generosity. There are worse things for a child than having a grandmother who wants to spoil them. I hope your children have a wonderful First communion.

 

[BLAZEY]

Spoke to mil. I told her about dd's need for a cotton dress. We will go with the one dd picked out. She is just happy to give the gift.

As for son, we are going to see how his outfit fits in a month or so and go from there. Mil will buy his shoes at this time. I'll take the twins next week for those.

As I thought, she just wants to give. I was so afraid of raining on her parade but she is okay with our choices.

If MIL still wants to buy the dress, she could just pay for the one you ordered. My MIL and Mum have don this on occasion when they offered to buy something for DD on a special occasion and it was ordered online. Then Grandma cans still say she bought her the outfit, DD gets the one she wants then go shoe shopping together. Everyone is happy!

 

[quandrea]

If MIL still wants to buy the dress, she could just pay for the one you ordered. My MIL and Mum have don this on occasion when they offered to buy something for DD on a special occasion and it was ordered online. Then Grandma cans still say she bought her the outfit, DD gets the one she wants then go shoe shopping together. Everyone is happy!

That's what she is going to do. Worked out well!

 

[mummabear]

The above seems to be a response to my post.
Ohhhhh, good gracious. I actually did see this coming. I have been around the DIS a long time.

I was an adult when I graduated. Many many people I know were adults, or their highschoolers are, or will be adults.
And, if not... a matter of days or weeks. Really....

Sorry, but I think some of you run the risks of being just exactly like the MIL in this scenario.

It is all about personal boundaries, people,
Healthy and positive personal boundaries.
Too many people just simply do not even begin to know what that means.

To the poster who was 'forced' to wear a certain wedding dress to their own wedding.
Unless somebody held you a gunpoint, you were not forced.

I wasn't forced, I said no to the dress.
That doesn't change that my mother tried to manipulate the situation to get what she wanted.

I have grown up with this/her (and in almost every other way she is quite wonderful) but I know to watch out with anything she is offering particularly for my daughters.

 

[RedAngie]

Exactly. I made my First Communion in 1969. That was right after the church lightened the rules, and women didn't have to cover their heads in church, but we wore veils. They were short and simple, nothing like a bridal veil - just a simple piece of lace attached to a comb. They were sold by my church so that everyone could get a simple veil for a reasonable amount of money, but we were not required to buy it - girls were allowed to wear what they wanted. Even when my nieces made their communions, they wore simple veils as well, since none of them were into fancy stuff.

I made my First Communion in 1969 too. AFAIR, we had to wear one of about 4 white dress styles approved by the nuns and purchased at a local shop specializing in such clothing. Boys could rent suits from the same place. Veils were required.

I don't think many people considered it all that special of an occasion in my parish. It was more low key. Mass then a small gathering with grandparents and other relatives at your home.

This made me laugh. We had a pastor who would stand by the church entrance with a box of tissues for any of us who forgot our chapel caps or other head covering.

Yep, Kleenex was the emergency head covering in case a woman forgot.

I remember soon before the rules were relaxed, my aunt caused a small scandal by wearing a fancy headband with a fake jewel instead of a hat.

 

[jevs]

Nice update OP.

 

[scrapquitler]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

If Grandma doesn't like the dress the granddaughter chooses, she can opt out of buying it.

 

[superme80]

Thank you for the update!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Spoke to mil. I told her about dd's need for a cotton dress. We will go with the one dd picked out. She is just happy to give the gift.

As for son, we are going to see how his outfit fits in a month or so and go from there. Mil will buy his shoes at this time. I'll take the twins next week for those.

As I thought, she just wants to give. I was so afraid of raining on her parade but she is okay with our choices.

This is wonderful news and I think you were very kind to worry about her feelings too. I hope you have a wonderful Communion.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Happy for the positive update.

I think very often moms don't give MILs enough credit. I've vowed to try to remember what being a DIL was like when I am a MIL. Every MIL is someone's mom. My own MIL, sadly gone now, was not a perfect person but was a wonderful MIL. She offered without strings, didn't take offense when I needed to vent about my dh, gave advice lovingly but didn't take offense if I didn't immediately take it. I miss her terribly. But...my dh's ex doesn't consider her so fondly. I think the difference was ME. *I* was a good DIL. I included my dh's side of the family always, they were as much a priority as my own. I tried to be fair about the 'grandmas' in terms of time and special gifts, etc. My own mom can be difficult, so when my MIL was 'easier', I was so appreciative. And I let her know often.

Sometimes all it takes is good communication, and not being judgmental or having too many preconceived judgments.

 

[scrhsa]

Your daughter deserves to choose her own dress. I agree that you just need to be honest with your MIL. Ask her if she wants to pay for it, otherwise suggest some alternate special gifts, such as a cross or a rosary.

BTW, some parishes around here have dress codes for First Communion. At one local church, I know girls are not allowed to wear any sleeveless dresses (for modesty), or floor length gowns. No purses, gloves or shoes with a heel. And tbh, I think some require closed toe shoes so your sandals wouldn't work.

I've know some places like that too. For some parents it becomes all about outdoing the other little girls! All about the dress and accessories. They tend to forget what the occasion is all about I have seen some doozy dresses through out the years. I remember one dress was like one of those MY Gypsy Wedding dressess!! You could barely see the little girls face there was so much fluff and ruffles.

 

[quandrea]

Happy for the positive update.

I think very often moms don't give MILs enough credit. I've vowed to try to remember what being a DIL was like when I am a MIL. Every MIL is someone's mom. My own MIL, sadly gone now, was not a perfect person but was a wonderful MIL. She offered without strings, didn't take offense when I needed to vent about my dh, gave advice lovingly but didn't take offense if I didn't immediately take it. I miss her terribly. But...my dh's ex doesn't consider her so fondly. I think the difference was ME. *I* was a good DIL. I included my dh's side of the family always, they were as much a priority as my own. I tried to be fair about the 'grandmas' in terms of time and special gifts, etc. My own mom can be difficult, so when my MIL was 'easier', I was so appreciative. And I let her know often.

Sometimes all it takes is good communication, and not being judgmental or having too many preconceived judgments.

I agree with you and can relate. My mil is the absolute best. When things ever get a bit delicate I remind myself that she'd take a bullet for my kids. She gives without expectation and loves us all unconditionally. So different from my own parents who have disowned me and haven't seen me nor my children in nearly three years. I value mil so much. While I didn't share her vision for a communion outfit, I never wanted to hurt her. I'm glad it's worked out.

 

[mom2rtk]

I agree with you and can relate. My mil is the absolute best. When things ever get a bit delicate I remind myself that she'd take a bullet for my kids. She gives without expectation and loves us all unconditionally. So different from my own parents who have disowned me and haven't seen me nor my children in nearly three years. I value mil so much. While I didn't share her vision for a communion outfit, I never wanted to hurt her. I'm glad it's worked out.

I'm so glad you are able to put this in perspective and appreciate her great qualities. That's worth a lot. It sounds like she just had a vision in her head and got ahead of herself with it. God love her for adjusting and being willing to go with the flow here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with you and can relate. My mil is the absolute best. When things ever get a bit delicate I remind myself that she'd take a bullet for my kids. She gives without expectation and loves us all unconditionally. So different from my own parents who have disowned me and haven't seen me nor my children in nearly three years. I value mil so much. While I didn't share her vision for a communion outfit, I never wanted to hurt her. I'm glad it's worked out.

That is wonderful!!!!
Hope it is a beautiful and meaningful event!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Daisy, Here is your post, below.

Let me be very clear ~ I am the final authority in choosing my daughter's prom dresses. If I don't approve, it isn't coming home with us. When she chooses her wedding gown, that will be a different scenario, since she will be an adult.

I never mentioned the age of your child.
You are the one who mentioned prom and 'adult'.
I think most would associate Prom with a high school Prom.
And, yes many students who go to prom are Juniors and Seniors who are adults, or will very quickly become adults.

And, even further, the kid's prom is not a family event that involves and includes grandparents/parents/etc.

So, clearly, my point is not moot.
Not at all.
Actually, very valid.
I appreciate the chance to reinforce my point!

 

[DaisyJ]

Sorry, but I would pick out my own prom dress, and I would, and did, choose my own wedding dress.
Why would any woman, grandma, MIL, etc. think that that this is something that they should have a real part, say-so, in?

And, yes, I too have the same visceral reaction to little girls in adult 'pageant' dresses.

Veils are creepy, to me. Period..... (not hats or head-dresses)

This is a huge thing for me, personally, What goes into my body, or on my body, are nobody else's business.

Daisy, Here is your post, below.


I never mentioned the age of your child.
You are the one who mentioned prom and 'adult'.
I think most would associate Prom with a high school Prom.
And, yes many students who go to prom are Juniors and Seniors who are adults, or will very quickly become adults.

And, even further, the kid's prom is not a family event that involves and includes grandparents/parents/etc.

So, clearly, my point is not moot.
Not at all.
Actually, very valid.
I appreciate the chance to reinforce my point!

Just for clarification.