What to do? Re grandma and daughter's clothes

[piccolopat]

OP, you need to sit down and talk to you MIL now so she understands what works for your family now and for the future. My MIL lived with us and absolutely loved buying things for our DD (she raised two sons and never had a daughter of her own). Unfortunately she didn't really have any idea of what a child should wear and DD didn't want to make her feel bad even though she was being teased at school. I didn't always see what she bought until I got home from work and saw what she had DD wear to school but when I found out I had to step in. I wasn't going to have DD teased at school just because she was trying to be nice to her grandmother by wearing things she bought for her. Want examples? One time she "heard" that Velcro sneakers were in style and bought her a pair of Dr. Scholl's. Another time she bought a baby blue polyester suit (skirt and jacket) from Goodwill that was probably something an older woman wore in the 70s (DD went to Elementary school in the 90s). Needless to say, a lot of those purchases ended up at Goodwill.

 

[L&Lfan]

This made me laugh. We had a pastor who would stand by the church entrance with a box of tissues for any of us who forgot our chapel caps or other head covering.

And our parish used to have a small basket in the front entrance with spare chapel caps for those who forgot theirs or perhaps were making a spur of the moment visit to pray. My mother used to carry hers in a plastic pouch in her purse.

 

[PollyannaMom]

That's another story. Ds has a jacket, pants, shirt and tie that were bought last year for a vacation that required formal wear. We had intended to use these for his communion as they fit and are basically new (worn twice). Mil wants him to have a completely new ensemble. I haven't dealt with this yet. Again from a values standpoint, dh and I are reluctant to purchase clothing for the kids when they have something perfectly appropriate already in their closets. We want them to value what they have and not always feel that you have to have the newest thing just because.

While I definitely agree with you on not always needing new clothes, I'd see if you can find out what the other boys are wearing. It's great that the previous formal outfit still fits, but I'm guessing the jacket is dark. If everyone else has a white one, he might feel out of place.

 

[quandrea]

While I definitely agree with you on not always needing new clothes, I'd see if you can find out what the other boys are wearing. It's great that the previous formal outfit still fits, but I'm guessing the jacket is dark. If everyone else has a white one, he might feel out of place.

Dark jacket, dark pants, white shirt and tie is the norm.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Dark jacket, dark pants, white shirt and tie is the norm.

Oh, good.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I will say that I have never figured out what the problem is with a sleeveless dress. I understand why people don't like tank tops, but why is sleeveless so bad? Especially in a communion dress, where everything but the arms are covered up. I'm no fashion expert, and I have never understood that. How is a sleeve (even a cap sleeve) more modest than bare arms?

I tend to agree with you. I think a sleeveless dress or top that is cut high under the arms and around the neck is fine, whereas one with spaghetti straps or strapless could be considered too revealing and inappropriate. It's all subjective, but the determining factor is often that the shoulders are covered. My niece wore a sleeveless communion dress and was advised to wear a bolero jacket over it in church, which she took off later for all the pictures and party.

I've found with Catholic churches, it really depends on the individual parish. Some are more old-school with strict rules while others are more relaxed. This goes for baptisms and weddings too, with things like who can be godparents and what kind of music can be played.

 

[mummabear]

That's my understanding of the veil, too. My daughter did not want a veil. We put her hair in a bun and put a clip with a white flower on it to accent the bun. However, she was the only girl who didn't wear a veil. (Fortunately, she's okay with doing her own thing.)

I can kind of see both sides of the grandma thing. It sounds like the offer was for a specific kind of dress. I don't think that makes the gift giver manipulative. If grandma wants to buy a floor-length, blinged out dress for her granddaughter, and that's what she's offering, then the OP has the option to accept or decline the offer.

I don't blame her one bit for declining it, but just because grandma offered to buy a specific kind of dress doesn't mean she's beholden to purchase any dress that the OP/daughter pick out. I completely agree that the family should get a dress that they are comfortable with (especially the little girl), just not that grandma is being manipulative if her gift was for a certain item. (Parallel: If grandma offers to buy granddaughter a huge ice cream sundae with all the fixings, but granddaughter would prefer a bag of M&Ms, then granddaughter can say "no thanks, Grandma" to the ice cream sundae, but it would be rude to say "buy me m&m's instead. They're cheaper anyway.")

I would liken it more to Grandma taking a child to a candy store and saying "I will buy you a treat" but then only arbitrarily allowing some treats "you can have a mars bar but not a Moro"

 

[Bren's Mom]

I haven't read all of the replies, but perhaps asking if grandma is willing to purchase something else that would be a good compromise? A cross necklace, or an 'add a pearl', something personalized from Etsy. That will give grandma the chance to feel she's done something special, and allow dd to choose and wear the dress she's comfortable in.

Good luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Let me be very clear ~ I am the final authority in choosing my daughter's prom dresses. If I don't approve, it isn't coming home with us. When she chooses her wedding gown, that will be a different scenario, since she will be an adult.

The above seems to be a response to my post.
Ohhhhh, good gracious. I actually did see this coming. I have been around the DIS a long time.

I was an adult when I graduated. Many many people I know were adults, or their highschoolers are, or will be adults.
And, if not... a matter of days or weeks. Really....

Sorry, but I think some of you run the risks of being just exactly like the MIL in this scenario.

It is all about personal boundaries, people,
Healthy and positive personal boundaries.
Too many people just simply do not even begin to know what that means.

To the poster who was 'forced' to wear a certain wedding dress to their own wedding.
Unless somebody held you a gunpoint, you were not forced.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Bren's mom, that seems like a nice idea. But I would bet huge money that this is not about the grandma wanting to give her grandaughter a nice gift.
It is about controlling and choosing the dress. It is all about the dress.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I would liken it more to Grandma taking a child to a candy store and saying "I will buy you a treat" but then only arbitrarily allowing some treats "you can have a mars bar but not a Moro"

But it doesn't sound like the grandmother took the child anywhere. It just seems that the grandmother has different ideas of what should be worn.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But it doesn't sound like the grandmother took the child anywhere. It just seems that the grandmother has different ideas of what should be worn.

I guess then it comes down to if the grandmother/mother-in-law would still offer to pay for the outfit, shoes and whatnot even if it doesn't align with her idea of what her granddaughter should be wearing for that day. And personally it just comes off wrong to offer to pay for something and then add a caveat like what is being described.

For example:

Scenario 1-
~OP's daughter wants to wear outfit A and grandmother/mother-in-law says I'll help pay/completely pay for it but I want her to wear outfit B

Scenario 2-
~OP's daughter wants to wear outfit A and mother-in-law says I'll help pay/completely pay for it and she can wear whatever outfit she wants

If the situation plays out like Scenario 1 then the other poster's point is made.

 

[mjkacmom]

The above seems to be a response to my post.
Ohhhhh, good gracious. I actually did see this coming. I have been around the DIS a long time.

I was an adult when I graduated. Many many people I know were adults, or their highschoolers are, or will be adults.
And, if not... a matter of days or weeks. Really....

Sorry, but I think some of you run the risks of being just exactly like the MIL in this scenario.

It is all about personal boundaries, people,
Healthy and positive personal boundaries.
Too many people just simply do not even begin to know what that means.

To the poster who was 'forced' to wear a certain wedding dress to their own wedding.
Unless somebody held you a gunpoint, you were not forced.

As a mom of three girls, mom's tend to veto dresses based on one of two elements, cost and cleavage. Dresses can cost upwards of $1000, and some are very revealing. Dd20's prom dress was $400, strapless, fitted, high slit, backless, netted cutouts- and there were some I said no to.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Bren's mom, that seems like a nice idea. But I would bet huge money that this is not about the grandma wanting to give her grandaughter a nice gift.
It is about controlling and choosing the dress. It is all about the dress.

Why do you keep assuming that anytime someone wants to do something nice it's about control? They could just be doing something nice. That does happen. By your assumption we could also assume that maybe the OP is overly practical and the grandmother would like to do something frivolous for the kid. We could assume all day but truly- most people aren't crazy control monsters
OP I was just making up an example. Not saying any of that is true.

 

[quandrea]

Why do you keep assuming that anytime someone wants to do something nice it's about control? They could just be doing something nice. That does happen. By your assumption we could also assume that maybe the OP is overly practical and the grandmother would like to do something frivolous for the kid. We could assume all day but truly- most people aren't crazy control monsters
OP I was just making up an example. Not saying any of that is true.

I agree. I don't think she is controlling at all. I do think she just wants to do for the children. That's why it's so important to me that I handle it kindly and gently. I would never want to hurt her but we definitely have different visions of how the day will play out.

And I could probably be described as overly practical. My kids are very fortunate--they want for nothing. Dh and I work very hard to teach them to value what they have, to understand that things cost money, that it's good to use up what you have, buy what you need, etc. I'm thinking of my son now. We don't just want to buy something just because it's a special day.

I'm only dealing with the dress issue because my dd does not fit into her big sister's dress. She is much taller. That dress was an investment piece intended to be worn by both girls. My dd would have loved to have worn it but unfortunately it's too small now.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Limitations on costs, of course, do apply!!!
And, as far as Prom goes, I would guess that most schools have some kind of expectations and dress code to maintain some level of appropriate.
I was not referring to those to issues, at all.
So, I do stand by my post.

And, Mouse House Mama...
The control is evident....
I do not think I am making any automatic assumptions.
This is from the original post:

Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with.

To do something nice would be... "Here is some cash/check/debit card etc... I would love to help pay for a new dress for DGD's event!!!"
That is not what I think I am seeing in the OP's posts here.
I would have absolutely NO problem, ZERO, with that nice gift/gesture.
Never said I would.
The difference in opinions and tastes, and the expectation of some say-so and control do seem to be the issue.
Again, I do stand by my post.

 

[BLAZEY]

The dress and sandals are just perfect and very age appropriate. I have a 7 year old girl, and she would love that outfit too. Comfortable and dressy at the same time. Has MIL seen the outfit your little girl has her heart set on?

 

[maxiesmom]

I think the age gap is showing. I'm 50 and back when First Communion dresses were not casual at all. And looking at a web site those dresses are not at all what I would consider a First Communion dress.

I'm no help I'm afraid as I'm torn on this one. Part of me says to dress your daughter how you and her like. Another part says, is it that big of a deal to put her in a fancy dress for an hour? I just lost my Grandma last year, and I would love the chance to show her a fancy dress one more time. So I guess I'm leaning towards letting Grandma buy her a fancy dress and have her wear it for mass. And then change right after. I don't think it is so horrible a demand to give in to.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Limitations on costs, of course, do apply!!!
And, as far as Prom goes, I would guess that most schools have some kind of expectations and dress code to maintain some level of appropriate.
I was not referring to those to issues, at all.
So, I do stand by my post.

And, Mouse House Mama...
The control is evident....
I do not think I am making any automatic assumptions.
This is from the original post:

To do something nice would be... "Here is some cash/check/debit card etc... I would love to help pay for a new dress for DGD's event!!!"
That is not what I think I am seeing in the OP's posts here.
I would have absolutely NO problem, ZERO, with that nice gift/gesture.
Never said I would.
The difference in opinions and tastes, and the expectation of some say-so and control do seem to be the issue.
Again, I do stand by my post.

And yet the OP doesn't think it is about control, at all. The person in the middle of this conundrum doesn't think that it is about control. But somehow you are sure it is?

 

[luvsJack]

The above seems to be a response to my post.
Ohhhhh, good gracious. I actually did see this coming. I have been around the DIS a long time.

I was an adult when I graduated. Many many people I know were adults, or their highschoolers are, or will be adults.
And, if not... a matter of days or weeks. Really....

Sorry, but I think some of you run the risks of being just exactly like the MIL in this scenario.

It is all about personal boundaries, people,
Healthy and positive personal boundaries.
Too many people just simply do not even begin to know what that means.

To the poster who was 'forced' to wear a certain wedding dress to their own wedding.
Unless somebody held you a gunpoint, you were not forced.

Since I was the one that mentioned prom. I have to wonder why you brought that into it. I didn't say who picked out the dress, I was talking about the shopping experience being special. Dd picked out her own dress, she knew the limits. And she was 15 when we shopped for the first dress so a little ways away from being an adult. If she had picked something way too inappropriate, yes I would have had veto power.

Most brides to be take quite a few people with them shopping for the dress. Doesn't mean anyone else picks out the dress.

Now, the child in question here is 7. Still needing some guidance in choosing appropriate clothing for certain events. That's not controlling, that's parenting. What she and the op have chosen is lovely,imo, but I know nothing about Catholic tradition. But if she had chosen a short, tutu style skirt with a gold glitter top, the op would need to guide her child.

It truly sounds like the grandmother was thinking of a traditional outfit for this event. Maybe like she herself wore. Again, not controlling. Much like the Mother of a bride to be envisioning her dd in a Cinderella style wedding dress and suggesting it while dress shopping. Every scenario does not come down to one side trying to control the other