What to do? Re grandma and daughter's clothes

[AppleDumpling]

We were just gently reminded that it is not the girls' weddings.

Then this is the part you need to emphasize to MIL. I'm sure she means well.

 

[Caskett616]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

Heck no. I offered to pay for my niece's First Communion dress. My sister and I took her shopping, and we let her pick the dress she was most comfortable in. She was so funny, she would kneel to see how the dress felt. And I was lucky - she picked the least expensive dress but it was perfect. She loved it and she kept telling me she was thrilled that I let her pick it.

If Grandma insists on the fancy dress, I'd tell her thanks but no thanks, and buy my daughter the dress she prefers.

 

[Caskett616]

Yes I think you are right. There is a difference in how mil views this day and how our immediate family (me, dh and dd) view the day. We are pretty low key about it. We'll go to mass. Afterwards we are having the family back to the house for fish and chips dinner and cake. We aren't looking to make a big splash while it is common for communion day to be a really blowout affair. That's not our thing.

And that's fine. MIL may not be happy, but you guys should get to do what you all want to do.

 

[Caskett616]

I love those shoes! My niece wore something similar. I have to go back and look at the dress, but I bet it's perfect too. ETA: I just looked and it is perfect!

 

[Southernmiss]

I was a Religious Education coordinator for 15 years. (Still work at the church, just not as R/E Coordinator) Early in the First Communion year, I recommended that boys wear dark pants and a white shirt and tie. (White to tie back into their Baptismal garment of white) And if their family wanted the boys could wear a suit--white or colored their choice.

For girls, I said white dress is most appropriate as it ties back into the Baptism garment. I told them that dresses could be as simple or as fancy as the family preferred. Veils were up to the family, but I reminded them that gloves would come off as the girls received Communion and purses were just a distraction for them in the pews. Realizing that some would want to go fancy and others (like my own daughter) would want a simple dress.

In fact, DDs dress was a simple tea length white A line dress that my friend found on the clearance rack 2 years before at JC Penney for $15. She had bought 3 dresses for her dd to choose from and this was one DD did not choose. DD wore that dress for a Mardi Gras ball the year before her First Communion and then on her First Communion day. She wore simple sandals with a slight heel that were very appropriate and comfortable for a 7 year old on her First Communion day. DD did not want a veil, but she did want a flower wreath and we may have curled her hair and pinned it back in a barret. Very simple, yet very appropriate for the day.

After all, the focus is what they are doing on that day--taking another step in the church toward making the faith as their own.

I did also suggest early on that the parents guide the children into thinking not about what they would get as gifts, but into donating some of their monetary gifts to a charity.

The Ladies' Guild always sponsored a cake and punch reception after the Mass so that the parish could recognize the children. Simple, focus is on the meaning of the day, not on the pomp and circumstance of the day.

OP, you are doing great. Don't let anyone discourage you.

 

[focusondisney]

That dress is beautiful. Your DD will look lovely & very appropriate!

 

[mummabear]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

I think Grandma should buy the dress that DD wants to wear, not buy it as a way to control the situation so it matched her vision.

*Haven't read all the responses yet*

Personal opinion so it's not to rub peeps the wrong way but I'm not sure why when certain people offer to pay for something it becomes a "well since I'm paying for it I get to choose or have a large say-so in whatever it is they are offering to pay"..if that makes sense.

Like I get it if so and so is offering to pay for a meal out they may say "hey I'd like to go to x place if you're ok with that" and most people would probably lean more towards what the payee wants.

But offering to pay for a dress and then insist, even politely, that the wearer put on this specific dress and shoes and whatnot just doesn't sit right with me. It should more come from the heart kind of thing. Like the grandma wants to contribute to her grandchild's special milestone day...and may decide to offer with $$ but it shouldn't come with a "but now that I'm helping out/paying for this and that I get to tell you what you should wear/do".

FWIW I had my first communion in the 90s..you can guess what was in style then. I threw a fit though when my mom tried to put baby's breath wreath on my head because it itched like crazy so I ended up not wearing that thankfully. I have my picture somewhere but it's buried in a box in my mom's basement.

Because they are being manipulative.
I grew up with a mother like this, it's really frustrating and you need to be very clear on any hidden clauses behind anything she does.

 

[ols386]

I would nicely tell the grandma that you will be buying the dress.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

BTW, some parishes around here have dress codes for First Communion. At one local church, I know girls are not allowed to wear any sleeveless dresses (for modesty), or floor length gowns. No purses, gloves or shoes with a heel. And tbh, I think some require closed toe shoes so your sandals wouldn't work.

Again, in my own parish many Moms were put out when told that their daughters could not wear a veil, that all the kids would be wearing the same simple flowered band provided by the church at no cost. This was so that nobody would feel left out or shown up. Perhaps this approach would work with Grandma.

 

[bookgirl]

Quick question. My daughter is seven. Her first communion is coming. Mil wants to pay for my dd's outfit. Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with. Dd wants a comfy cotton dress--Hannah Anderson dress up dress--if anyone is familiar with that brand and flat white sandals. Mil is thinking poofy satin and organza, floor length dress with rhinestone clad sparkly heels. How to handle it tactfully? Dh says if she wants to buy it just let her but I can't stand the idea of dd wearing this outfit.

Um what Catholic Church do you go to Our Lady of Honey Boo Boo?

But Seriously. I'm a not girly type girl and if they had made me wear a poofy dress and rhinestones I'd have spent the day uncomfortable and frowning. Pictures and occasions are always better if the star of the day is happy and smiling.

 

[quandrea]

Um what Catholic Church do you go to Our Lady of Honey Boo Boo?

But Seriously. I'm a not girly type girl and if they had made me wear a poofy dress and rhinestones I'd have spent the day uncomfortable and frowning. Pictures and occasions are always better if the star of the day is happy and smiling.

I think it's a cultural thing. The norm here is the big, poofy dress, fancy hair, veil, high heels. I don't get it or want to be part of it but that's the way it is.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Because they are being manipulative.
I grew up with a mother like this, it's really frustrating and you need to be very clear on any hidden clauses behind anything she does.

Yeah you're right even with someone trying to be as nice as possible about it, it can be a way to manipulate the situation.

 

[adisneyaunt]

Good luck with grandma. Congrats to ur daughter!

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is a beautiful dress! And, must be just perfect for your daughter.

Yes, let grandma know that the dress has already been settled. Maybe there is some other way she can be involved.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Has some kind of lunch or tea been mentioned?
Is that something that your MIL might enjoy planning something more 'fancy' to her tastes?

 

[quandrea]

Has some kind of lunch or tea been mentioned?
Is that something that your MIL might enjoy planning something more 'fancy' to her tastes?

No. The communion is during five pm mass on a Saturday night. Following mass we will go back to our house for supper and cake. Reluctant to go tea party as my daughter has a twin brother who will share her communion day.

 

[Aliceacc]

I would tell MIL: "This is the dress we're buying, Kelly loves it. If you really want to pay for it, or even split the price of the dress, we'll happily accept. But otherwise, we're planning to pick it up on Tuesday and pay for it ourselves."

Would grandma perhaps prefer to pay for the veil? Or the cake?

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I agree. To dh it's just not a big deal. The dress just isn't on his radar. She wants to go shopping at a local store that only carries over the top outfits. The Hannah Anderson was mail order. We have to get the shoes at the local shoe store where we get all the kids shoes. Here are the shoes. The dress is a thumbnail. Having trouble attaching pics. View attachment 222538

Really cute but little girls get way more dressed up for their First Holy Communion in our church.
DD isn't a girly girl either but for her Communion she defiantly wanted the long white dress and bling.

DD is 13 now and looks back at her Communion pictures and laughs about how girly she looked that day.
Do the other girls dress that casual at your church?
First Holy Communion is big here , most people throw big parties to follow along with the long dresses and bling
But a lot of stuff is regional.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

[GALLERY=]https://www.disboards.com/attachmen...sh=c4b5fa6bcddff908106855cc03b3f36e[GALLERY=]

That was my daughter almost 5 years ago.
But it is your daughters day
She should choose what she's comfortable in.

 

[DisneyOma]

Your daughter deserves to choose her own dress. I agree that you just need to be honest with your MIL. Ask her if she wants to pay for it, otherwise suggest some alternate special gifts, such as a cross or a rosary.

BTW, some parishes around here have dress codes for First Communion. At one local church, I know girls are not allowed to wear any sleeveless dresses (for modesty), or floor length gowns. No purses, gloves or shoes with a heel. And tbh, I think some require closed toe shoes so your sandals wouldn't work.

Why do shoulders and toes have anything to do with modesty? Are little girls' toes and shoulders too sexy for men or something? But they can't wear floor length, so I guess ankles and legs aren't an issue? If I belonged to a church with that kind of mandate, I'd be looking for another church.

I think it's a cultural thing. The norm here is the big, poofy dress, fancy hair, veil, high heels. I don't get it or want to be part of it but that's the way it is.

Sounds like the parents who deck out their daughters like that are all about show and not about substance. Veil? That's creepy.

Really cute but little girls get way more dressed up for their First Holy Communion in our church.
DD isn't a girly girl either but for her Communion she defiantly wanted the long white dress and bling.

DD is 13 now and looks back at her Communion pictures and laughs about how girly she looked that day.
Do the other girls dress that casual at your church?
First Holy Communion is big here , most people throw big parties to follow along with the long dresses and bling
But a lot of stuff is regional.

Bling for communion? That's nasty, IMO. Why would there be a need for bling? What's the purpose of it? Is it all about showing off?