What do you think is an appropriate CASH wedding gift a/k/a HOW MUCH TO GIVE??

[mickeyfan2]

as if a punch and cake reception isn't "enough" anymore.

Where I am from it was never "enough" to just have punch and cake. A wedding was a family event and an entire day affair. Thus food was provided. Even when my Aunts were married 50+ years there was food. It was made by the family (bride's aunts, mother, grandmother etc.).

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think it's an "Italian thing". When someone dies, we actually ask, "Are they accepting money?". Usually it is given when the widow is not well-to-do.

We give money after the funeral, usually to the widow. It is to help her pay any medical bills etc that she has mounting just after the funeral. It is not expected but this is how funcional families help out members in need.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

We give between $250 and $500 depending on who it is and what type of reception (yes we do the cover your plate thing). A very few occasions we have done more.

Shower gifts - a place setting of china - usually $100-$150. Or a place setting of their silver if I am really close to them.

Funerals - at least $50, usually $100.

 

[shamrock30]

I live in MA and am from CT originally, and I don't know anyone who gives $300-500 for weddings. I also have not heard of the "cover your plate" rule except on this board.

If you are trying to cover your plate, does that mean you give a smaller amount if you don't attend the wedding?

 

[InnerStrength06]

I am from MA and have heard of the "cover the plate" theory...I heard it when DH and I were planning our wedding 12 years ago. The problem with that is - just how much does the "plate" cost??? Back when I got married, it was not too much for an awesome meal...but the same meal at today's prices would probably be 3-4 times more

With that said:

I give $200 for close family (with DH and myself attending)

$150.00 for close friends

$100.00 for casual friends and/or family that I rarely if never see


When we were married 12 years ago, the majority of the gifts of $ that we received were $50, some $25, a few $100, and 1 $300. And we also received gifts~ sadly most we never used as we both had homes when we met, and had to get rid of things when DH moved in with me.

 

[Va-bear]

Why is giving money *tacky?*

We give china and household (large and small) appliances for the bridal shower. Why would the bride and groom want more of that stuff for a wedding gift? How many pieces of china can a bride use? Or crystal vases, picture frames, blenders, etc.?

If you don't give cash for a wedding gift then what gift would you buy for the bride and groom? And if you buy a wedding gift then what do you give for a shower gift?

Different cultures and regions have different traditions. We always give money as a wedding gift.

Oh, I just meant I was raised, and most of the people I know raised in this area were raised, to believe it was tacky...told as much by our moms and grandmoms, etc. It's cultural - just like giving money is. I think its neat to hear about different areas and the way they do things - its not a problem for me at all! And, as I said before, would LOVE to get cash - its just no one does.

ps - we buy both the shower and wedding gifts from the couples registry - typically spending a bit more for the wedding than the shower gift.

 

[Va-bear]

Giving money is the norm at New York weddings. It is not tacky at all. People have been doing this for at least the past 65 years (my parents are married 65 years and all the gifts were money). This is especially true for Italian families. Some older Italians would actually be insulted if someone brought a gift instead of money. I wonder what they do in Italy?

I do apologize for offending anyone. I understand that New Yorkers, and others give money and I think thats great!! I was just giving my perspective on being raised in the south - my bad - and explaining why many of us would not give money. Sorry again and I do not think its tacky at all - I money!

 

[Gillian]

On the other hand, we had a couple who attended who had some money, drank like there was no tomorrow, and the gift from them was......are you ready.....sit down......this is really good.......A $50 Savings Bond! So, their night out on us, cost them a whopping $25! Does anyone give savings bonds as a wedding gift.....did anyone ever? By the time this thing matures, it won't even fill my gas tank!
But anywho, as a rule, we try and cover the cost of our meals, but do tend to give more to family members. We still have the list of what people gave us at our wedding, and we consult that as well!

If you got married 12 years ago, the bond should have matured already. It seems as though you have specific issues with this couple, but just think of what a great night you were able to treat them to.

My mom just found a bond DH & I were given for our wedding 11 years ago. It's for $100. It was from a single friend, I don't think she brought a date. I thought it was a nice gift both now & at the time. We had the best time opening envelopes and gifts, all of it was wonderful.

Do you really have a list and look at it? I would think you'd know who in your life is generous and who is not. I guess I don't follow the give what you were given rule. But we don't worry much about covering our plate either. And now that we are older, we appreciate how much of a sacrifice it can be for a couple to go to a wedding, between travel, gifts and babysitting!

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I live in MA and am from CT originally, and I don't know anyone who gives $300-500 for weddings. I also have not heard of the "cover your plate" rule except on this board.

If you are trying to cover your plate, does that mean you give a smaller amount if you don't attend the wedding?

Of course. If we do not attend the wedding, we generally send only $100-$150. If you feed us, serve us alcohol, have a band, show us a good time, you get a bigger gift.

Punch and cake - small gift.

 

[ICF]

On the other hand, we had a couple who attended who had some money, drank like there was no tomorrow, and the gift from them was......are you ready.....sit down......this is really good.......A $50 Savings Bond! So, their night out on us, cost them a whopping $25! Does anyone give savings bonds as a wedding gift.....did anyone ever?

I wouldn't have been thrilled w/a savings bond either, but I never would have considered that a gift to the bride & groom was to cover the cost of the "night out" of the guest at the wedding to which I invited them.

I thought they were usually invited to share the joyful event, and the bride / groom got to determine how much they wanted to spend on their "party".

I don't usually know (or care) how much the plate cost...or if there is a band or Dj...or if they have an open bar. I give what I give based on my relationship with the couple getting married....not on the type of reception they are going to have afterwards.

What if I were paying to cover the cost of my plate, but the food sucked or they had a cash bar instead of open bar?? Can I go back and get a refund, since my "plate" or "evening out" wasn't what I expected???

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Well, I know that this will likely vary by region, but

WHAT is a typical cash gift to the bride and groom when you attend a wedding??
Some facts:
**It is a formal evening affair at a lovely catering "hall" (for lack of a better word.)
**There will be three of us attending, 2 Adults, one teen.
**I just remember always hearing that you should try and "cover" your meal, which at this location is about $125-50 a plate. Do you agree?
**it is for a niece.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINIONS! I have asked a relative who insists that 150 is her limit, I wouldn't be comfortable with that, but am curious what everyone else gives.

Are you close to your niece? What are your finances like? How many nieces and nephews do you have?

If you are close I would try to give $500. Minimum $350 or whatever you can afford.

We went to a wedding recently and between the bridal shower gift and wedding we gave over $1,000 to the couple (cash for the wedding gift), and she wasn't family, just a very close friend's daughter.

 

[EMom]

I'd take those in-laws in a heartbeat! Wedgwood china and Waterford crystal! I can find the Waterford Wedgwood shop in London with my eyes closed! THAT'S what a Southern girl would hope for! Actually, the china alone would be lovely, but the Waterford would be divine. It's just the way we are raised. Far from being horrified, my family would have been extraordinarily impressed.

I would be extremely ashamed to give anyone a toaster oven for a wedding gift. Now that is tacky IMO. For my wedding one great-uncle gave me $25. It was all he could afford and I was very pleased. I also had cousins who gave $500 per couple. DH's family (originally from western PA) brought presents and my entire extended family was horrified. Some of the gifts were very nice (wedgwood china, waterford water goblets) but my relatives could not understand why a young couple just starting out would need that kind of stuff instead of money to start their savings with.

 

[EMom]

For $37.95, I'd come to your wedding and have a great time. And provided you were registered, I'd even give you a place setting of china, as is my standard practice. Then I'd be impressed by how well you'd done at putting it all together. Congrats.

Here is my two cents as far as covering the cost of the plate?

Hey...I didn't plan the wedding... I am not one who chose to have a 150 dollar a head wedding. It is not my responsibility to feel like I have to give that back to them. It was their choice to spend that much, not mind.

Okay, I am off my soapbox now...This is how we do it in South Jersey.


Okay...for Close Family wedding...$100.00 limit

Friends or distant cousins.......$50-75.00


Best Friend....$100.00 Limit


I had an awesome wedding for 37.95 a person....No it was not a crappy wedding at a Dive.

It included a hall, buffet, dj, limo, cake and flowers and alcohol.

I know how to find good deals and even if I had that kind of money, I could never justify spending that kind of money for my wedding.......

Sorry, that is just my opinion..

 

[sonia828]

reading this I decided it was time to do the total for money we've spent on my sister's wedding in Long Island on July 21st

my daughter is flower girl total to dress her is $75.00 lucky to find a bargin dress and shoes in Marshalls

my husband groomsman 167.00 tux rental 300.00 bachelor party

my dress 175.00 shoes 55.00 hair nail prewedding day 150.00 hair makeup wedding day 125.00 shower gifts 325.00 + extras I had to buy as maid of honor 125.00 bachelorette party 365.00

our wedding gift to the couple 500.00

total $2,362 (don't want my husband to see this posting)

price of my summer vacation disney and cruise $2663.00 its a close tie...

when we got married I didn't expect people to pay their way but I hated that two sets of relative bought extra people just to have someone to come with that was tacked on to our bill.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I have never heard of this...but perhaps it is a tradition in your family or area. I hope no one is upset because I don't bring an envelope to a funneral.

It was common at Italian funerals to give money to the widow/widower. They had a person in the back of the room manning the ledger and keeping track of the amount of money given and by whom. We've done away with that custom in our family. Although the old-timers might still send something to your home.

The *fund* (there is a name for it-can't remember) was to help the family of the deceased with the burial and to help pay for the get-together after the funeral.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I don't believe in the "cover your plate" concept. The bride and groom have decided to host their wedding in the particular venue; that decision shouldn't be made based upon the gifts they hope to get! Guests are in no way required to "pay up" if the bride makes an expensive choice.

If it's a close friend or family member, I'd give generously; if it's a casual aquaintance, I'd give whatever I feel is appropriate. If the gift I felt appropriate seemed "too small", I'd ask myself whether I cared enough about this person to attend the wedding or not. We Southerners lean towards gift-gifts and not cash -- it seems less crass.

If this were one of my nieces, I would probably have already hosted a very nice bridal shower (well, I probably would've offered to do either a shower OR the bridesmaid's luncheon) and would've given her a lavish gift (not cash, but a GIFT) earlier. In addition, I would've made the wedding cake for her as a gift. I would most likely give just a card on the wedding day itself.

Again, why is it *crass* to give cash?

I would think any couple would prefer cash than another blender or candy dish. Giving cash saves the couple from having to return all of the hideous and duplicate gifts that people buy.

Gifts should be given at bridal showers, cash should be given at weddings. Cash is always appreciated.

 

[NotUrsula]

Again, why is it *crass* to give cash?

I would think any couple would prefer cash than another blender or candy dish. Giving cash saves the couple from having to return all of the hideous and duplicate gifts that people buy.

Gifts should be given at bridal showers, cash should be given at weddings. Cash is always appreciated.

I'm not going to comment on which custom is in better taste, but I can give you an explanation for the reasons why cash gifting is often considered to be tacky in the South.

There are a couple of them actually:

1) A gift of money requires no thought and very little effort beyond earning it. The reasoning is that you couldn't be bothered to make any effort to discover the couple's tastes or preferences, so you just took the easy route and acted as if you were tipping a waiter. (Note that gifts of cash from the elderly are not considered tacky, as forcing them to go out and shop is considered to be burdensome. Of course, if they still maintain homes they often give heirlooms, which are nicest of all.)

2) It implies that you believe yourself to be in better financial standing than the couple, by implying that they actually need money. Any comment on someone else's financial status (even implied) is considered to be in poor taste in that part of the country. This one tends to be the one that makes the average Southerner rear back in horror at the "cover-your-plate" axiom -- the hosts would be appalled at the idea that the guests were speculating on whether or not they (the hosts) could really afford the cost of the wedding; actually, they would be reeling at the idea that the guests were speculating on the costs of the wedding; that isn't done, either, or at least you don't want to get caught doing it.

You should understand that the typical NYC metro area "catering hall" system does not exist in most parts of the South. Many venues are historical buildings that are rented for the occasion and catered by a third party, which may or may not be under contract with the venue. It is next to impossible to accurately guess the menu cost for a wedding in a venue like this, assuming that you even knew what was being served before you arrived, which you normally would not. (RSVP cards that request that guests indicate a menu choice are also very uncommon for Southern weddings -- business dinners perhaps, but not weddings. The norm is that you eat what you are served or you politely pick at it. If you have serious food allergies or are a very strict vegetarian you alert the MOB well ahead of time, and they put you on the "emergency plate" count, and if you're not close enough to the family for that, you just eat before you arrive.)

Oh, also; bridal showers in the South tend to be more about the party than the gifts. Most of them are themed, and the expectation is that the gift will be thoughtful or amusing, but pretty cheap. A chef's apron, a pr. of grill tongs, a piece of lingerie, or a photo frame would be typical. Wedding gifts are presumed to be something that will be used long-term. Things like toaster-ovens are more likely at a working-class wedding; at a middle-class wedding you would see more fine china, crystal and silver.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm not going to comment on which custom is in better taste, but I can give you an explanation for the reasons why cash gifting is often considered to be tacky in the South.

There are a couple of them actually:

1) A gift of money requires no thought and very little effort beyond earning it. The reasoning is that you couldn't be bothered to make any effort to discover the couple's tastes or preferences, so you just took the easy route and acted as if you were tipping a waiter. (Note that gifts of cash from the elderly are not considered tacky, as forcing them to go out and shop is considered to be burdensome. Of course, if they still maintain homes they often give heirlooms, which are nicest of all.)

2) It implies that you believe yourself to be in better financial standing than the couple, by implying that they actually need money. Any comment on someone else's financial status (even implied) is considered to be in poor taste in that part of the country. This one tends to be the one that makes the average Southerner rear back in horror at the "cover-your-plate" axiom -- the hosts would be appalled at the idea that the guests were speculating on whether or not they (the hosts) could really afford the cost of the wedding; actually, they would be reeling at the idea that the guests were speculating on the costs of the wedding; that isn't done, either, or at least you don't want to get caught doing it.

You should understand that the typical NYC metro area "catering hall" system does not exist in most parts of the South. Many venues are historical buildings that are rented for the occasion and catered by a third party, which may or may not be under contract with the venue. It is next to impossible to accurately guess the menu cost for a wedding in a venue like this, assuming that you even knew what was being served before you arrived, which you normally would not. (RSVP cards that request that guests indicate a menu choice are also very uncommon for Southern weddings -- business dinners perhaps, but not weddings. The norm is that you eat what you are served or you politely pick at it. If you have serious food allergies or are a very strict vegetarian you alert the MOB well ahead of time, and they put you on the "emergency plate" count, and if you're not close enough to the family for that, you just eat before you arrive.)

Oh, also; bridal showers in the South tend to be more about the party than the gifts. Most of them are themed, and the expectation is that the gift will be thoughtful or amusing, but pretty cheap. A chef's apron, a pr. of grill tongs, a piece of lingerie, or a photo frame would be typical. Wedding gifts are presumed to be something that will be used long-term. Things like toaster-ovens are more likely at a working-class wedding; at a middle-class wedding you would see more fine china, crystal and silver.

Exactly! The gift is supposed to be something chosen especially for the couple, something that they'll treasure and keep -- crystal and silver, obviously come to mind. Money is useful, of course, but it goes into the gas tank or to the electric company, and is forgotten; a lovely silver platter, however, lasts forever. When I see certain wedding gifts, I remember the people who gave them to me 17 years ago; I really don't remember who gave me money (or where it went).

Plus no one should know -- or at least shouldn't admit to knowing -- the cost of a gift. With money, it's obvious. And it can be taken as a braggy thing; who can afford to give $200? $400? Oh, look, the Jones could only give $50.

As for the practicality argument -- that is, the argument that the couple NEEDS money instead of gifts -- that doesn't really hold water. If money were the bottom line, they'd be getting married at the courthouse instead of hosting a big celebration.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Exactly! The gift is supposed to be something chosen especially for the couple, something that they'll treasure and keep -- crystal and silver, obviously come to mind. Money is useful, of course, but it goes into the gas tank or to the electric company, and is forgotten; a lovely silver platter, however, lasts forever. When I see certain wedding gifts, I remember the people who gave them to me 17 years ago; I really don't remember who gave me money (or where it went).

What thought is there in a gift that was bought off a gift registry? The cost is know too.

 

[gina2000]

Thanks for the explanation, NotUrsula. I'll give you the Italian NY metro area version.

Our showers are elaborate affairs. We do play games and have fun but we tend to bring rather large gifts. It's nothing for me to spend $100 on a shower gift for a bride. And I'll chose something from her registry - usually fine china (we'll chip in as a family if it's very expensive) or Waterford. Not everyone does this around here but our family does. We also tend to have showers at restaurants. I know that's not commonly done in many places also.

Since we've already given gifts from the registry for the shower, we do usually give cash for the wedding. We give it with love, honestly, and it's always what we can afford though we do try to "cover the plate". Guests tend to do this because we know that it's tough buying a home in this part of the world and we want to give the couple a little something to help them along. All of us are the older, established relatives. Many of us have grown children and virtually all of us own our own homes. We're middle aged.

When I was younger, I'd give what I could for a wedding. My friends/family would never expect or want me to give more than I could afford. But when I could afford it, I began to give more because I wanted the bride and groom to have money to begin their lives together. If people are already established or wealthy, most of these things don't really apply. But I don't know any really wealthy people. Just middle class families giving with love to a new beginning.