What do you think is an appropriate CASH wedding gift a/k/a HOW MUCH TO GIVE??

[SILLYANDI]

This may not be appropriate, but I can't help wondering...

DH and I make decent 6 figure incomes and we could not afford to give $300-500 per wedding we attend. What kind of salaries do people in Long Island make that they can afford that (or is there some other explaination for how they can afford it?)
I'm shocked!

 

[rantnnravin]

This may not be appropriate, but I can't help wondering...

DH and I make decent 6 figure incomes and we could not afford to give $300-500 per wedding we attend. What kind of salaries do people in Long Island make that they can afford that (or is there some other explaination for how they can afford it?)
I'm shocked!

Long Island is a VERY expensive place to live. Salaries are higher here to compensate.
A couple earning less than $100,000/year combined will have a very ROUGH time.
That said, it may be difficult to "afford" to give $300-500, but relatively speaking, it's not all that much money (doesn't go far) around here. It barely covers an electric bill.



also, just because the "list price" is $125-150pp doesn't mean that that is what the couple is paying.
Haggling on reception catering is common -it's possible your DN's reception is costing MUCH less than that. (DH and I were able to get our cost down about 40%)

what's the name of the place?

 

[mdsouth]

I agree with the following quote.

The problem I have with this line of thinking is I did not get to pick the place for the reception or the food. I do not feel it is my responsibility to cover their costs. I am a guest after all.

My gifts are based on my relationship with the bride and groom, not where the wedding/reception is being held.

Since it is a common understanding there that you should "cover your meals", there is most likely the common understanding of brides and grooms to "expect" that people will cover their meals, etc. Of course, I am sure many brides and grooms do not follow this thought, but for those that do --- I have the following questions.

What about poor relatives and friends? Does the bride and groom expect them to either go into debt to attend the wedding or else decline the invite?

 

[Ciao Mickey]

This has been so fun to read - thanks op! NY is so different than what I am used to.

Being raised in the "Capital of the South" we were taught that giving money was extremely tacky! (Though, man, if people gave me 200 and 500 dollars a pop I could become a New Yorker VERY fast!! )

These days, I'd say the recent weddings I've been to people spend anywhere from 50-100 per gift and we DO give a gift for both the shower and the wedding. (Wow, I guess you guys dont have "gift tables" then...that is a very important part of a southern wedding! )

Heck, I'm still getting used to there even being alcohol at weddings ! Growing up here you wouldnt have EVER seen that....now, it's quite common, though, I've never EVER seen a "cash bar" at a wedding.

Why is giving money *tacky?*

We give china and household (large and small) appliances for the bridal shower. Why would the bride and groom want more of that stuff for a wedding gift? How many pieces of china can a bride use? Or crystal vases, picture frames, blenders, etc.?

If you don't give cash for a wedding gift then what gift would you buy for the bride and groom? And if you buy a wedding gift then what do you give for a shower gift?

Different cultures and regions have different traditions. We always give money as a wedding gift.

 

[gina2000]

Since it is a common understanding there that you should "cover your meals", there is most likely the common understanding of brides and grooms to "expect" that people will cover their meals, etc. Of course, I am sure many brides and grooms do not follow this thought, but for those that do --- I have the following questions.

What about poor relatives and friends? Does the bride and groom expect them to either go into debt to attend the wedding or else decline the invite?

Actually, that's where your mistake lies. As a bride, I never expected anything from my guests. Some friends didn't even give a gift. That's more than fine. As a guest, I try to "cover my plate." And that's being an older guest and having available money. A younger guest, someone unmarried or someone with kids wouldn't be able to. It's not that we EXPECT it as a bride or groom. It's the expectation of guests who can do it place on themselves.


As far as figuring out the cost of a plate.....it's merely a guess. We know what prices are around here and plan accordingly. And no, I don't give less for a less expensive wedding. I try to gauge my gift based on my closeness to the bride/groom and my financial situation and go from there. If I can afford to ramp it up, I do. If I can't, I don't. Truthfully, because weddings have become so overblown in this area, I would only expect to be invited to a wedding where I am a close relative or close to the bride and/or groom.

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

I would give $250 as a minimum and maybe even as high has $350.

I would agree. In the New York City area (including NJ & LI), I would definitely give at least $300.00 for 3 people. I think $350 is probably appropriate since she is your niece. But, of course, if you can't afford that, try to go with the lower number of $250.

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

[
A question for the NY crowd -- do people still register for gifts there? Is it expected to buy off of someone's Tiffany registry AND write a large check as a gift? I'm going to have to cut off all contact with my friends in NYC if that's the case.. I won't be able to afford to go to any of their weddings! [/QUOTE]


Yes, people do register for gifts, BUT, those are usually given as shower gifts (and also, IF, the couple has an engagment party).

At a New York wedding, 95% of the gifts will be monetary and the rest are gifts from relatives or friends who are from out of town and don't "get" the money thing or prefer not to do that (which is perfectly fine).

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

This has been so fun to read - thanks op! NY is so different than what I am used to.

Being raised in the "Capital of the South" we were taught that giving money was extremely tacky! (Though, man, if people gave me 200 and 500 dollars a pop I could become a New Yorker VERY fast!! )

These days, I'd say the recent weddings I've been to people spend anywhere from 50-100 per gift and we DO give a gift for both the shower and the wedding. (Wow, I guess you guys dont have "gift tables" then...that is a very important part of a southern wedding! )

Heck, I'm still getting used to there even being alcohol at weddings ! Growing up here you wouldnt have EVER seen that....now, it's quite common, though, I've never EVER seen a "cash bar" at a wedding.

Giving money is the norm at New York weddings. It is not tacky at all. People have been doing this for at least the past 65 years (my parents are married 65 years and all the gifts were money). This is especially true for Italian families. Some older Italians would actually be insulted if someone brought a gift instead of money. I wonder what they do in Italy?

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

And each set of parents usually want a list to know what family members gave so when they go to Aunt Mary's daughters wedding, they at least match what Aunt Mary gave (otherwise they would feel SOOOOOO embarrassed).

People from other areas don't have to understand it or agree with it -- it's just the way it is.

That's so funny! I forgot about the list. I actually just came across my "list" last year (I'm married 25 years). At the time the average gift was around $50 for a couple and it was considered VERY CHEAP to give $25 per couple. I got some $100's and even a couple of $200's from very close relatives.


Our family even keeps lists of what people give at FUNERALS!!! It is also customary to give money at funerals, usually to the widow.

 

[DawnM]

Wow! I had no idea.

DH's cousin got married this year and we did not attend. My son had surgery that we had scheduled 6 months out and there was no way I was waiting to reschedule,

BUT, we figured that the cost of attending the wedding would be about $600 for travel just to start with, so adding an additional $300-$500 gift????

We are sending her some money, but it won't be that much.

We are invited to at least 2 weddings per year, sometimes more. I can't imagine shelling out $1500/year for wedding gifts, never mind the b-day parties, etc.....

Dawn

 

[canwegosoon]

I ITA with TRENTMOM...I am from LI origionally and I have to tell you things have gotten out of control there as compared to the rest of the country.

So people understand, my fathers tax bill is over 12K and he is a senior citizen and is under "Super Star" tax savings...also considering you can't buy a nice house for under 800K in many areas, people making under 100K are way behind.

IMO all the more reason to have a modest wedding. 15 years ago, when I recieved several 30 dollar checks from elderly relatives on LI, did I care that it didn't cover ther plate? No-I thought it was great that they came to my wedding. Personally 100 is my max for non immediate family, 150 for immediate family, and I think I am done here(unless my sister's BF shocks me)!

If you can't keep your wedding expensed to a reasonable amount that is not my problem, that is your choice...your wedding is not a fundraiser, and you were not born with a silverspoon in your mouth and called princess.(IMO---- ) I wonder what Donald Trump's average wedding gift was?

 

[canwegosoon]

Our family even keeps lists of what people give at FUNERALS!!! It is also customary to give money at funerals, usually to the widow.

I have never heard of this...but perhaps it is a tradition in your family or area. I hope no one is upset because I don't bring an envelope to a funneral.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

It was fun reading this thread. I could tell who was from the South just by the responses. At my wedding most people gave money because most people were former Northerners. The exception was my boss who was born and bred in Florida. He gave a toaster oven.

 

[MrsPete]

Well, I know that this will likely vary by region, but

WHAT is a typical cash gift to the bride and groom when you attend a wedding??
Some facts:
**It is a formal evening affair at a lovely catering "hall" (for lack of a better word.)
**There will be three of us attending, 2 Adults, one teen.
**I just remember always hearing that you should try and "cover" your meal, which at this location is about $125-50 a plate. Do you agree?
**it is for a niece.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINIONS! I have asked a relative who insists that 150 is her limit, I wouldn't be comfortable with that, but am curious what everyone else gives.

I don't believe in the "cover your plate" concept. The bride and groom have decided to host their wedding in the particular venue; that decision shouldn't be made based upon the gifts they hope to get! Guests are in no way required to "pay up" if the bride makes an expensive choice.

If it's a close friend or family member, I'd give generously; if it's a casual aquaintance, I'd give whatever I feel is appropriate. If the gift I felt appropriate seemed "too small", I'd ask myself whether I cared enough about this person to attend the wedding or not. We Southerners lean towards gift-gifts and not cash -- it seems less crass.

If this were one of my nieces, I would probably have already hosted a very nice bridal shower (well, I probably would've offered to do either a shower OR the bridesmaid's luncheon) and would've given her a lavish gift (not cash, but a GIFT) earlier. In addition, I would've made the wedding cake for her as a gift. I would most likely give just a card on the wedding day itself.

 

[DAISYDUCKRN]

Her Is My Dilema, My Cousin Is Getting Remarried Soon, I Only See Him For About 30 Minutes Wvery 5-7 Years And Just Received An Invit. Since I Gave To His First Wedding (20 Years Ago) Andnever See Him What Should I Do. Dh And I Will Go Only Because My Parents Will Go And This Will Give Them A Chance To See His Other Nephews. We Will Know No One Else. What Would An Appropriate Give Be For This Instance. I Have Some Lovely Lenox Pieces (brand New Of Course And In The Original Packaging, Never Opened) Some Times I Will Get Extra For Unexpected Gift Occasions Since I Unually Get A Good By At The Outlet. Any Thoughts Or Suggestions. Thanks

 

[MrsPete]

If you can't keep your wedding expensed to a reasonable amount that is not my problem, that is your choice...your wedding is not a fundraiser, and you were not born with a silverspoon in your mouth and called princess.(IMO---- ) I wonder what Donald Trump's average wedding gift was?

Well said! Your wedding shouldn't even be a break-even affair! It's YOUR CHOICE to have this or that type of wedding . . . though I think there's more pressure these days for brides to serve fancy sit-down meals, etc. And, as such, I see more and more people who choose to forgo the whole thing -- as if a punch and cake reception isn't "enough" anymore.

 

[dcgrumpy]

DH and I usually give $250-$350

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

I have never heard of this...but perhaps it is a tradition in your family or area. I hope no one is upset because I don't bring an envelope to a funneral.

I think it's an "Italian thing". When someone dies, we actually ask, "Are they accepting money?". Usually it is given when the widow is not well-to-do.

 

[bnorm27]

It seems as though we here in the Northeast have a tendency to overdo things, and weddings are no exception to this. I have been to two weddings on Long Island, and in addition to having to shell out big gift$, I sat in traffic for most of my journey out to those weddings. When we were married over 12 years ago, we had people giving us $200. Trust me, it didn't cost $200 per person at our catering hall, and it was a very wonderful affair. We also had people that we invited who we knew did not have the money to provide us with abig gift, but that is not why they were invited. On the other hand, we had a couple who attended who had some money, drank like there was no tomorrow, and the gift from them was......are you ready.....sit down......this is really good.......A $50 Savings Bond! So, their night out on us, cost them a whopping $25! Does anyone give savings bonds as a wedding gift.....did anyone ever? By the time this thing matures, it won't even fill my gas tank!
But anywho, as a rule, we try and cover the cost of our meals, but do tend to give more to family members. We still have the list of what people gave us at our wedding, and we consult that as well!

 

[punkin]

I would be extremely ashamed to give anyone a toaster oven for a wedding gift. Now that is tacky IMO. For my wedding one great-uncle gave me $25. It was all he could afford and I was very pleased. I also had cousins who gave $500 per couple. DH's family (originally from western PA) brought presents and my entire extended family was horrified. Some of the gifts were very nice (wedgwood china, waterford water goblets) but my relatives could not understand why a young couple just starting out would need that kind of stuff instead of money to start their savings with.