What do you think is an appropriate CASH wedding gift a/k/a HOW MUCH TO GIVE??

[MrsPete]

What thought is there in a gift that was bought off a gift registry? The cost is know too.

This is true, but not everyone chooses to register -- even today. Plus, buying a gift -- even from a registry -- requires some effort, though obviously everyone doesn't appreciate the thought that goes into choosing and giving a gift!

 

[MrsPete]

Where I am from it was never "enough" to just have punch and cake. A wedding was a family event and an entire day affair. Thus food was provided. Even when my Aunts were married 50+ years there was food. It was made by the family (bride's aunts, mother, grandmother etc.).

Um, punch and cake ARE food!

20-30 years ago a typical Southern wedding would've been held in the early afternoon, and it would've been followed by a reception in the church fellowship hall. Alcohol would never have been served. A more wealthy family would've included more "munchies", but it still would've been served on small plates. Full meals were unheard of except among the very wealthy.

That is changing, though Southern weddings still tend to be less elaborate, less expensive affairs than those up-North.

 

[C.Ann]

I would either purchase/create a very unique and special gift - or give whatever dollar amount I could afford and/or feel comfortable with..

I wouldn't give the "per plate cost" any consideration at all..

 

[punkin]

Thanks for the explanation, NotUrsula. I'll give you the Italian NY metro area version.

Our showers are elaborate affairs. We do play games and have fun but we tend to bring rather large gifts. It's nothing for me to spend $100 on a shower gift for a bride. And I'll chose something from her registry - usually fine china (we'll chip in as a family if it's very expensive) or Waterford. Not everyone does this around here but our family does. We also tend to have showers at restaurants. I know that's not commonly done in many places also.

Since we've already given gifts from the registry for the shower, we do usually give cash for the wedding. We give it with love, honestly, and it's always what we can afford though we do try to "cover the plate". Guests tend to do this because we know that it's tough buying a home in this part of the world and we want to give the couple a little something to help them along. All of us are the older, established relatives. Many of us have grown children and virtually all of us own our own homes. We're middle aged.

When I was younger, I'd give what I could for a wedding. My friends/family would never expect or want me to give more than I could afford. But when I could afford it, I began to give more because I wanted the bride and groom to have money to begin their lives together. If people are already established or wealthy, most of these things don't really apply. But I don't know any really wealthy people. Just middle class families giving with love to a new beginning.

Not Italian but in total agreement!!!

 

[frndshpcptn]

Not Italian but in total agreement!!!

Same here. NYC mtero area - we give cash-only at weddings. Unless we really aren't close with the couple and then we'll purchase something small from the registry.

We have generally bought something off the registry for the shower or engagement party for close friends.

Living here is expensive and every little bit helps when getting your home off the ground. To buy a 1 bedroom apartment in my neighborhood (east side of Manhattan) is around $500,000. And honestly - I don't have enough storage space for any more dishes!

 

[DawnM]

Well, that is just insane!

I wish people would focus this much energy into their marriages instead of the wedding itself. (this isn't meant to you in your situation, just in general).

Dh's siblings are getting engaged now and so that will be costs for us in the future. A couple will be second weddings, so not sure the protocol on that one in terms of gifts/expectations.

Dawn

reading this I decided it was time to do the total for money we've spent on my sister's wedding in Long Island on July 21st

my daughter is flower girl total to dress her is $75.00 lucky to find a bargin dress and shoes in Marshalls

my husband groomsman 167.00 tux rental 300.00 bachelor party

my dress 175.00 shoes 55.00 hair nail prewedding day 150.00 hair makeup wedding day 125.00 shower gifts 325.00 + extras I had to buy as maid of honor 125.00 bachelorette party 365.00

our wedding gift to the couple 500.00

total $2,362 (don't want my husband to see this posting)

price of my summer vacation disney and cruise $2663.00 its a close tie...

when we got married I didn't expect people to pay their way but I hated that two sets of relative bought extra people just to have someone to come with that was tacked on to our bill.

 

[kydisneyfans]

We must have had a southern wedding in the north.

All involved cost no more than $2,500, and we are just as married and happy as those putting on a show.

Our wedding was at 2:30 in December, the church was already decorated for Christmas, so red and green were the colors. Flowers were poinsettias and some were fake. Our entire family was involved. I even baked a ham the morning of the wedding for the reception.

The menu was ham, potato salad, rigatoni, chicken, and the usual cake and punch. All was cooked by family except the chicken was catered in. The bachelor party was at TGI Fridays, we honeymooned at a local lake lodge for 2 nights. My brother was the DJ, and uncle played the wedding music.

And the ironic thing is-WE ARE STILL MARRIED.

As for other wedding gifts, 20.00 for friends, 25 for family. We usually check the gift registry first.

We were also happy to get a toaster for a gift, in fact, we just replaced it a month ago after 11 years of use.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Exactly! The gift is supposed to be something chosen especially for the couple, something that they'll treasure and keep -- crystal and silver, obviously come to mind. Money is useful, of course, but it goes into the gas tank or to the electric company, and is forgotten; a lovely silver platter, however, lasts forever. When I see certain wedding gifts, I remember the people who gave them to me 17 years ago; I really don't remember who gave me money (or where it went).

Plus no one should know -- or at least shouldn't admit to knowing -- the cost of a gift. With money, it's obvious. And it can be taken as a braggy thing; who can afford to give $200? $400? Oh, look, the Jones could only give $50.

As for the practicality argument -- that is, the argument that the couple NEEDS money instead of gifts -- that doesn't really hold water. If money were the bottom line, they'd be getting married at the courthouse instead of hosting a big celebration.

The bride does receive the Wedgewood china, Waterford crystal, sterling service pieces, etc., but she gets them for her bridal shower gifts.

That's why cash is given to the couple for their wedding gift.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I'm not going to comment on which custom is in better taste, but I can give you an explanation for the reasons why cash gifting is often considered to be tacky in the South.

There are a couple of them actually:

1) A gift of money requires no thought and very little effort beyond earning it. The reasoning is that you couldn't be bothered to make any effort to discover the couple's tastes or preferences, so you just took the easy route and acted as if you were tipping a waiter. (Note that gifts of cash from the elderly are not considered tacky, as forcing them to go out and shop is considered to be burdensome. Of course, if they still maintain homes they often give heirlooms, which are nicest of all.)

2) It implies that you believe yourself to be in better financial standing than the couple, by implying that they actually need money. Any comment on someone else's financial status (even implied) is considered to be in poor taste in that part of the country. This one tends to be the one that makes the average Southerner rear back in horror at the "cover-your-plate" axiom -- the hosts would be appalled at the idea that the guests were speculating on whether or not they (the hosts) could really afford the cost of the wedding; actually, they would be reeling at the idea that the guests were speculating on the costs of the wedding; that isn't done, either, or at least you don't want to get caught doing it.

You should understand that the typical NYC metro area "catering hall" system does not exist in most parts of the South. Many venues are historical buildings that are rented for the occasion and catered by a third party, which may or may not be under contract with the venue. It is next to impossible to accurately guess the menu cost for a wedding in a venue like this, assuming that you even knew what was being served before you arrived, which you normally would not. (RSVP cards that request that guests indicate a menu choice are also very uncommon for Southern weddings -- business dinners perhaps, but not weddings. The norm is that you eat what you are served or you politely pick at it. If you have serious food allergies or are a very strict vegetarian you alert the MOB well ahead of time, and they put you on the "emergency plate" count, and if you're not close enough to the family for that, you just eat before you arrive.)

Oh, also; bridal showers in the South tend to be more about the party than the gifts. Most of them are themed, and the expectation is that the gift will be thoughtful or amusing, but pretty cheap. A chef's apron, a pr. of grill tongs, a piece of lingerie, or a photo frame would be typical. Wedding gifts are presumed to be something that will be used long-term. Things like toaster-ovens are more likely at a working-class wedding; at a middle-class wedding you would see more fine china, crystal and silver.

I understand your Southern traditions. I have family in the South. I wish the North was like the South when it comes to weddings. But it's not so we have to deal with it as best we can.

The bridal showers I attend can pass for a wedding. It's really ridiculous when you think about the money spent on these things. I can't imagine how much was spent on the wedding itself.

I'm glad I have boys.

 

[snomofinn]

Here in the Chicagoland area I would allow 100.00 per person attending. Of course since it's your niece I would give more. When my DSIL got married 10 years ago we gave her 500.00. My DH's friends, son, just got married and we gave him 150.00. I felt cheap giving him so little for me and my DH, but we never see him, and probably never will anytime soon. His wedding was also at a local legion hall which is much cheaper then the usual country club or hotel/banquet room. I would give from the heart, you'll figure it out.

 

[dizkids]

Oh no I actually HATE this topic. Especially all that i read because I live in NJ and the amounts that people give from NY and NJ and are insane. The assumption is SOOOOO out of control to think you have you give hundreds of dollars. I am not cheap at all and would be called on most family members as very generous, but when i hear $500 it makes me cringe. I just think many are trying to keep up with the joneses....and for what? Celebrate the couple, enjoy the time with family and friends when most of us look and feel our best and make your gift a choice you feel comfortable with.

 

[kimberh]

I'm not going to comment on which custom is in better taste, but I can give you an explanation for the reasons why cash gifting is often considered to be tacky in the South.

There are a couple of them actually:

1) A gift of money requires no thought and very little effort beyond earning it. The reasoning is that you couldn't be bothered to make any effort to discover the couple's tastes or preferences, so you just took the easy route and acted as if you were tipping a waiter. (Note that gifts of cash from the elderly are not considered tacky, as forcing them to go out and shop is considered to be burdensome. Of course, if they still maintain homes they often give heirlooms, which are nicest of all.)

2) It implies that you believe yourself to be in better financial standing than the couple, by implying that they actually need money. Any comment on someone else's financial status (even implied) is considered to be in poor taste in that part of the country. This one tends to be the one that makes the average Southerner rear back in horror at the "cover-your-plate" axiom -- the hosts would be appalled at the idea that the guests were speculating on whether or not they (the hosts) could really afford the cost of the wedding; actually, they would be reeling at the idea that the guests were speculating on the costs of the wedding; that isn't done, either, or at least you don't want to get caught doing it.

You should understand that the typical NYC metro area "catering hall" system does not exist in most parts of the South. Many venues are historical buildings that are rented for the occasion and catered by a third party, which may or may not be under contract with the venue. It is next to impossible to accurately guess the menu cost for a wedding in a venue like this, assuming that you even knew what was being served before you arrived, which you normally would not. (RSVP cards that request that guests indicate a menu choice are also very uncommon for Southern weddings -- business dinners perhaps, but not weddings. The norm is that you eat what you are served or you politely pick at it. If you have serious food allergies or are a very strict vegetarian you alert the MOB well ahead of time, and they put you on the "emergency plate" count, and if you're not close enough to the family for that, you just eat before you arrive.)

Oh, also; bridal showers in the South tend to be more about the party than the gifts. Most of them are themed, and the expectation is that the gift will be thoughtful or amusing, but pretty cheap. A chef's apron, a pr. of grill tongs, a piece of lingerie, or a photo frame would be typical. Wedding gifts are presumed to be something that will be used long-term. Things like toaster-ovens are more likely at a working-class wedding; at a middle-class wedding you would see more fine china, crystal and silver.

This Thread has been such a eye opener to me! This post is well said. A gift is something that my time, thought and money went into. FWIW I hate buying off of a registry, unless it is China. I try to give a gift that in 20 years they will look back on and remember who gave it to them.

The amounts of cash given up north are astounding! My children would have been thrilled. The cash gifts ranged from $25-100.00. Very few of the $100.00, maybe 2 per wedding.

 

[EMom]

NotUrsula has summed this up well, including the bit about the elderly or infirm being exempt from the rule about not giving cash. Her second point is just as important. It is considered very poor taste to comment (or even to imply, as she said) on someone's financial position. We don't talk money. We can do it on this board anonymously, but that's a whole different matter. Giving money implies you think someone NEEDS money. You may not actually think that, but the implication is there in the South. Also, if someone were to say, "How much do you think this reception cost?," jaws would crash to the ground.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the phrase, "It simply is not done," in my lifetime. There are all sorts of things that we are taught from a young age, be we rich or poor, that simply are not done. Our great-grandmothers probably had it stitched on pillows. Our mothers probably chanted to us while we were in the womb. It is THAT deeply ingrained, especially in those of us whose families have lived here for a few hundred years. IT JUST ISN'T DONE!

Break one of those taboos and you hear a collective sharp intake of breath and this is what you see: Then someone mutters, "Didn't her Mama teach her any better?" and God knows you don't want to shame your mother! Worse yet, they shake their head and say, "Oh, God bless her poor Mama...." You get the picture.

That's the humorous side of being shamed into compliance, but as NotUrsula pointed out, there are reasons for the behavior. We really do have that explained to us as well.

She is also correct about our receptions just being different in general. I have never once had to check an RSVP letting anyone know which meal I would prefer. Sit down dinners are obviously not as common here. Buffets are more so, and I think with the heat, that may work best. We mingle a lot. Even with a sit down dinner, they may give you a choice when you arrive and they just make sure they have plenty of all choices. A big catering hall isn't that common here.

I did have to laugh about a few of the cake and punch reception comments. Boy, have I been to my share of those! Let me explain. If you have your reception at the church reception hall, and if the church is of certain Protestant denominations, absolutely no alcohol will be allowed. Not even champagne for a toast. Which makes sense....If the religion frowns on drinking, why would they allow alcohol at their church? Such receptions used to be the norm and are still quite common. Get married in the church, go next door for the reception.

I was a rebel and had my reception elsewhere so we actually had champange. Woo-hoo! Wild girl! I think it was a first for my family, but they all partook. Backsliders!!!! Not the minister, though. He even politely declined wine at the rehearsal dinner, but that was fine with me. So long as he didn't evil eye the rest of us.

I'm not going to comment on which custom is in better taste, but I can give you an explanation for the reasons why cash gifting is often considered to be tacky in the South.

There are a couple of them actually:

1) A gift of money requires no thought and very little effort beyond earning it. The reasoning is that you couldn't be bothered to make any effort to discover the couple's tastes or preferences, so you just took the easy route and acted as if you were tipping a waiter. (Note that gifts of cash from the elderly are not considered tacky, as forcing them to go out and shop is considered to be burdensome. Of course, if they still maintain homes they often give heirlooms, which are nicest of all.)

2) It implies that you believe yourself to be in better financial standing than the couple, by implying that they actually need money. Any comment on someone else's financial status (even implied) is considered to be in poor taste in that part of the country. This one tends to be the one that makes the average Southerner rear back in horror at the "cover-your-plate" axiom -- the hosts would be appalled at the idea that the guests were speculating on whether or not they (the hosts) could really afford the cost of the wedding; actually, they would be reeling at the idea that the guests were speculating on the costs of the wedding; that isn't done, either, or at least you don't want to get caught doing it.

You should understand that the typical NYC metro area "catering hall" system does not exist in most parts of the South. Many venues are historical buildings that are rented for the occasion and catered by a third party, which may or may not be under contract with the venue. It is next to impossible to accurately guess the menu cost for a wedding in a venue like this, assuming that you even knew what was being served before you arrived, which you normally would not. (RSVP cards that request that guests indicate a menu choice are also very uncommon for Southern weddings -- business dinners perhaps, but not weddings. The norm is that you eat what you are served or you politely pick at it. If you have serious food allergies or are a very strict vegetarian you alert the MOB well ahead of time, and they put you on the "emergency plate" count, and if you're not close enough to the family for that, you just eat before you arrive.)

Oh, also; bridal showers in the South tend to be more about the party than the gifts. Most of them are themed, and the expectation is that the gift will be thoughtful or amusing, but pretty cheap. A chef's apron, a pr. of grill tongs, a piece of lingerie, or a photo frame would be typical. Wedding gifts are presumed to be something that will be used long-term. Things like toaster-ovens are more likely at a working-class wedding; at a middle-class wedding you would see more fine china, crystal and silver.

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

Thanks for the explanation, NotUrsula. I'll give you the Italian NY metro area version.

Our showers are elaborate affairs. We do play games and have fun but we tend to bring rather large gifts. It's nothing for me to spend $100 on a shower gift for a bride. And I'll chose something from her registry - usually fine china (we'll chip in as a family if it's very expensive) or Waterford. Not everyone does this around here but our family does. We also tend to have showers at restaurants. I know that's not commonly done in many places also.

Since we've already given gifts from the registry for the shower, we do usually give cash for the wedding. We give it with love, honestly, and it's always what we can afford though we do try to "cover the plate". Guests tend to do this because we know that it's tough buying a home in this part of the world and we want to give the couple a little something to help them along. All of us are the older, established relatives. Many of us have grown children and virtually all of us own our own homes. We're middle aged.

When I was younger, I'd give what I could for a wedding. My friends/family would never expect or want me to give more than I could afford. But when I could afford it, I began to give more because I wanted the bride and groom to have money to begin their lives together. If people are already established or wealthy, most of these things don't really apply. But I don't know any really wealthy people. Just middle class families giving with love to a new beginning.

BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!! There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with giving money for a wedding gift. It is not tacky and it is not given because we are lazy or don't want to take the time out to buy a gift. We have already bought shower gifts and, in some cases, engagement gifts. This is way it's been done in the New York area, especially in Italian-American families, for about 100 years.

If I was invited to a wedding in the South, I would probably follow their tradition and buy a gift. And no one in my family thinks there is anything wrong with getting a gift from someone out of town. We always understand that is their tradition and everyone understands it.

And, by the way, the last shower I went to this tacky New Yorker actually gave a money gift. OH, THE HORROR!

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

The bride does receive the Wedgewood china, Waterford crystal, sterling service pieces, etc., but she gets them for her bridal shower gifts.

That's why cash is given to the couple for their wedding gift.

YES, YES, AND ONCE AGAIN YES!!!!

 

[kimberh]

Are you close to your niece? What are your finances like? How many nieces and nephews do you have?

If you are close I would try to give $500. Minimum $350 or whatever you can afford.

We went to a wedding recently and between the bridal shower gift and wedding we gave over $1,000 to the couple (cash for the wedding gift), and she wasn't family, just a very close friend's daughter.

I just have to ask... what is your limit for a friend's son or daughter's wedding? Not a close friend, Or are you just invited to close friends and families weddings? In the South, I have been invited to weddings of people that I hardly know. I may know the parents, from church... I am usually not invited to the shower, but to the wedding in this circumstance. Do you have this happen, or are you only invited, if there is a very close relationship? I see nothing Tacky with tradition... tradition is just that, tradition, regardless of what part of the nation it starts in. It is true, in the South that we would never ask what a reception cost, the Brides dress, etc. It all just flows with the day, for the effect. Some parents are able to go all out and have lavish weddings, some are not. Some Brides, in Charleston are able to rent Historic Plantations for the wedding and reception... these are my favorites, I am sure very expensive. There is always a gift table with a basket for cards which will have checks.
I am also wondering what Tradition is in the West or Northwest. If it has been posted, I missed it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I just have to ask... what is your limit for a friend's son or daughter's wedding? Not a close friend, Or are you just invited to close friends and families weddings? In the South, I have been invited to weddings of people that I hardly know. I may know the parents, from church... I am usually not invited to the shower, but to the wedding in this circumstance. Do you have this happen, or are you only invited, if there is a very close relationship? I see nothing Tacky with tradition... tradition is just that, tradition, regardless of what part of the nation it starts in. It is true, in the South that we would never ask what a reception cost, the Brides dress, etc. It all just flows with the day, for the effect. Some parents are able to go all out and have lavish weddings, some are not. Some Brides, in Charleston are able to rent Historic Plantations for the wedding and reception... these are my favorites, I am sure very expensive. There is always a gift table with a basket for cards which will have checks.
I am also wondering what Tradition is in the West or Northwest. If it has been posted, I missed it.

NE here.


We only get invited to close friends and family weddings. If I was just a lady in the church, I would probably turn down the invite and leave it at that.

Since 2001 we have attended 3 cousin's wedding and 2 close family friend's daughter's weddings.

 

[madge]

Oh, also; bridal showers in the South tend to be more about the party than the gifts. Most of them are themed, and the expectation is that the gift will be thoughtful or amusing, but pretty cheap. A chef's apron, a pr. of grill tongs, a piece of lingerie, or a photo frame would be typical.

I'll add to this... it's not uncommon (at least where I'm from) to have more than one wedding shower. Over the years, I've seen the "theme" of the showers be creative, sometimes to the point of good-natured competitive! I've also been to a number of grooms/couples showers.

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times, and just one of those weddings was I invited to only one bridal shower. I'd say there were probably 3 per wedding, on average?

 

[EMom]

My Southern shower experience has been different from NotUrsula's. I've been to very elaborate ones where so much china, crystal and silver was given that you would have thought you were at a department store. Others were the "token" showers where very small and inexpensive gifts were the norm and the shower was really an excuse to get together. And I've been to everything in between.

Up North, do you have the tradition of cutting the bows? Meaning, how every many bows you tear/cut to open your gifts, that equals the number of children you're supposed to have? We open our shower gifts VERY carefully down here, and do all we can to leave them intact.

I'll add to this... it's not uncommon (at least where I'm from) to have more than one wedding shower. Over the years, I've seen the "theme" of the showers be creative, sometimes to the point of good-natured competitive! I've also been to a number of grooms/couples showers.

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times, and just one of those weddings was I invited to only one bridal shower. I'd say there were probably 3 per wedding, on average?

 

[punkin]

I just have to ask... what is your limit for a friend's son or daughter's wedding? Not a close friend, Or are you just invited to close friends and families weddings? In the South, I have been invited to weddings of people that I hardly know.

If you are paying over $100 per plate (sometimes WAY over) you tend not to invite people you hardly know.

How big are your wedding down South anyway? I had a very small wedding of 50 people. I was close to everyone there (with the exception of DH's family).