Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[cluvsdisney]

DH & I made a donation to the American Cancer Society in memory of his mother & my father who passed away 20 & 30 years ago respectively. We made a note to go with a box of candy we put together for all of our guests to this effect. It didn't occur to me that our family & friends would consider it bragging or rude or tacky. It's something that I had seen frequently at the time and each time the only thing that crossed my mind was "What a lovely idea. I am glad the couple spent their money on this instead of a candle/frame/other random item which was personalized with their names for me to take home." If someone was offended, hopefully the candy appeased them.

 

[JaneBanks]

Actually, I'd never, ever, under any circumstance, insult my host by saying, "HOW RUDE" to their face. I have better manners than that.

However, it would raise my eyebrows and I'd probably note to myself that the family has self-centered, braggish tendencies and lacked breeding and it would lower my opinion of the family in general. I might mention the incident to my friends, family, or coworkers.

But I'd never, EVER, be rude to a host at a function like a wedding and I'd never tell them to their faces what I thought of their action.

That would denote my own lack of breeding.

You have no problem saying it to those of us on the thread who did donate though...

RE to the bold : If I were one of your coworkers, family or friends that you mentioned this to, then I would assume that the problem is really with YOU and not the Bride and Groom. It would show me your character.

 

[tlbwriter]

Why? Why would it be necessary to take the money from somewhere else that may be harder to cut just so you can supply Great Aunt Sally that thinks she wrote Emily Post a flippin' pack of M&M's?

And where would that be? Why is it harder to cut the cost of a limo, or flowers, or alcohol, or a honeymoon, or your dress, or your ring, or the meal, or the music, or the invitations, etc.? Yes, I'm being facetious. I know exactly why it's harder to cut those. Because the bride and/or groom want them. That's the bottom line. The bridge and groom are willing to cut things they don't care about, but not the things they want. And hey, that's human. I have no problem cutting the favors out altogether. I simply have an issue with announcing that you have done so that you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself.. Well, if your guests are entitled to favors, making a big deal about leaving those out so you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself is tacky. I'm sorry you don't get that, but it is.

And why is it At No Cost to Yourself? Because you didn't personally sacrifice a single thing. You took money you were going to spend on other people and gave it to charity instead. Yay you. You want to really be charitable? Take money you were going to spend on YOURSELF and give it to charity instead. Taking one person's gift and giving it to another is not charity.

I don't feel guests are entitled to a favor. But obviously you and other posters do. Because if people aren't entitled to a favor, there is absolutely no need to explain to them why they aren't getting one. It would be like having a note at each table saying "You don't have your own personal violinist because we decided to spend that money on charity instead." If you truly think your guests need an explanation, that means you KNOW you have taken money you should have spent on them and spent it on something else of your choosing instead.

 

[tlbwriter]

We cannot go through life worrying about what every person in every situation thinks either.

Well, if the OP agreed, she probably wouldn't have posted to ask what we think about it.

 

[JaneBanks]

And where would that be? Why is it harder to cut the cost of a limo, or flowers, or alcohol, or a honeymoon, or your dress, or your ring, or the meal, or the music, or the invitations, etc.? Yes, I'm being facetious. I know exactly why it's harder to cut those. Because the bride and/or groom want them. That's the bottom line. The bridge and groom are willing to cut things they don't care about, but not the things they want. And hey, that's human. I have no problem cutting the favors out altogether. I simply have an issue with announcing that you have done so that you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself.. Well, if your guests are entitled to favors, making a big deal about leaving those out so you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself is tacky. I'm sorry you don't get that, but it is.

And why is it At No Cost to Yourself? Because you didn't personally sacrifice a single thing. You took money you were going to spend on other people and gave it to charity instead. Yay you. You want to really be charitable? Take money you were going to spend on YOURSELF and give it to charity instead. Taking one person's gift and giving it to another is not charity.

I don't feel guests are entitled to a favor. But obviously you and other posters do. Because if people aren't entitled to a favor, there is absolutely no need to explain to them why they aren't getting one. It would be like having a note at each table saying "You don't have your own personal violinist because we decided to spend that money on charity instead." If you truly think your guests need an explanation, that means you KNOW you have taken money you should have spent on them and spent it on something else of your choosing instead.

Here's the thing, you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA whether or not someone cut their budget for the donation!!!

I had beautiful flowers for my centerpieces, but I could've spent more on "bigger and better"
I had delicious food for the cocktail hour and the dinner, but I could've upgraded and added lobster tails.

Get my point? You have no idea what my (or any other bride) budget was and how they chose to spend it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

DH & I made a donation to the American Cancer Society in memory of his mother & my father who passed away 20 & 30 years ago respectively. We made a note to go with a box of candy we put together for all of our guests to this effect. It didn't occur to me that our family & friends would consider it bragging or rude or tacky. It's something that I had seen frequently at the time and each time the only thing that crossed my mind was "What a lovely idea. I am glad the couple spent their money on this instead of a candle/frame/other random item which was personalized with their names for me to take home." If someone was offended, hopefully the candy appeased them.

It was a lovely idea.

 

[Carly_Roach]

You have no problem saying it to those of us on the thread who did donate though...

RE to the bold : If I were one of your coworkers, family or friends that you mentioned this to, then I would assume that the problem is really with YOU and not the Bride and Groom. It would show me your character.

You are absolutely right. In cyberspace we're free to tell people what we really think without worry about repercussions in real life. We are both fortunate that neither one of us is a coworker, family or friend of each other. That's both the blessing and the curse of cyberspace.

And you are welcome to think whatever you like of my character just as I'm welcome to think whatever I like of yours. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

 

[tlbwriter]

Here's the thing, you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA whether or not someone cut their budget for the donation!!!

I do when you choose to tell me about it. YOU are the one who invited me into your budget planning when you felt it necessary to explain certain expenses. Why did you feel the need to explain the lack of favors, but not the lack of lobster tail? The guests deserve one as much as the other (which is to say, not at all).

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Here's the thing, you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA whether or not someone cut their budget for the donation!!!

I had beautiful flowers for my centerpieces, but I could've spent more on "bigger and better"
I had delicious food for the cocktail hour and the dinner, but I could've upgraded and added lobster tails.

Get my point? You have no idea what my (or any other bride) budget was and how they chose to spend it.

Anytime you say "in lieu of"--you have cut your budget.

You didn't do that, you seem to "get" at least in action, what the point is.

However, in theory--you are arguing against what folks are not even saying.

In lieu of says, you might have planned on it--but you opted to cut it instead.

There is no need to explain anything.

Doing things in memory of those who cannot be there, are pretty darn cool. But it is different. To not understand why, is a deliberate act of not trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

And with that--I bid everyone good day and wish everyone well. This thread is exhausting.

 

[JaneBanks]

Anytime you say "in lieu of"--you have cut your budget.

You didn't do that, you seem to "get" at least in action, what the point is.

However, in theory--you are arguing against what folks are not even saying.

In lieu of says, you might have planned on it--but you opted to cut it instead.

There is no need to explain anything.

Doing things in memory of those who cannot be there, are pretty darn cool. But it is different. To not understand why, is a deliberate act of not trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

And with that--I bid everyone good day and wish everyone well. This thread is exhausting.

Well.. a few pages ago, I clearly explained my reasons for donating and that I did do the "in memory of".

You're right. It is exhausting being told that because I decided to donate to a charity, I'm a "toot my own horn" "attention seeking show off".

 

[JaneBanks]

I do when you choose to tell me about it. YOU are the one who invited me into your budget planning when you felt it necessary to explain certain expenses. Why did you feel the need to explain the lack of favors, but not the lack of lobster tail? The guests deserve one as much as the other (which is to say, not at all).

I guess this is where certain personalities differ. I never felt this way when I attended weddings that gave donations. My mind never went close to these thoughts.

 

[tlbwriter]

You're right. It is exhausting being told that because I decided to donate to a charity, I'm a "toot my own horn" "attention seeking show off".

You still don't get it (and at this point one can only assume you are deliberately choosing not to get it... whether or not you agree, you should at least be able to understand what people are saying at this point). Donating to a charity is not tooting your own horn. Telling all of your wedding guests that you cut one part of your budget, the part you would have spent on them, so that you could make that donation? That is the horn tooting part.

 

[tlbwriter]

I guess this is where certain personalities differ. I never felt this way when I attended weddings that gave donations. My mind never went close to these thoughts.

Obviously your mind did go close to those thoughts, if you felt it necessary to make the "in lieu of" announcement.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well.. a few pages ago, I clearly explained my reasons for donating and that I did do the "in memory of".

You're right. It is exhausting being told that because I decided to donate to a charity, I'm a "toot my own horn" "attention seeking show off".

I read that and had no issues with what you did. In fact, I stated many times that something like that was fine and dandy.

And in fact, the folks who have a problem with the what the OP suggested, were not condemning what you did in reality. You are taking their opinions as a personal opinion of what you did without thoroughly hearing them out.
It is your defense of "in lieu of" and that favors aren't necessary that they are at odds with. You still gave a favor. Why?

(only popped in to clarify my stance, I just can't help myself.)

 

[Carly_Roach]

And where would that be? Why is it harder to cut the cost of a limo, or flowers, or alcohol, or a honeymoon, or your dress, or your ring, or the meal, or the music, or the invitations, etc.? Yes, I'm being facetious. I know exactly why it's harder to cut those. Because the bride and/or groom want them. That's the bottom line. The bridge and groom are willing to cut things they don't care about, but not the things they want. And hey, that's human. I have no problem cutting the favors out altogether. I simply have an issue with announcing that you have done so that you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself.. Well, if your guests are entitled to favors, making a big deal about leaving those out so you can Do Good And Make Sure Everyone Knows It, But At No Cost to Yourself is tacky. I'm sorry you don't get that, but it is.

And why is it At No Cost to Yourself? Because you didn't personally sacrifice a single thing. You took money you were going to spend on other people and gave it to charity instead. Yay you. You want to really be charitable? Take money you were going to spend on YOURSELF and give it to charity instead. Taking one person's gift and giving it to another is not charity.

I don't feel guests are entitled to a favor. But obviously you and other posters do. Because if people aren't entitled to a favor, there is absolutely no need to explain to them why they aren't getting one. It would be like having a note at each table saying "You don't have your own personal violinist because we decided to spend that money on charity instead." If you truly think your guests need an explanation, that means you KNOW you have taken money you should have spent on them and spent it on something else of your choosing instead.

Right on.

Here's the thing, you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA whether or not someone cut their budget for the donation!!!
I had beautiful flowers for my centerpieces, but I could've spent more on "bigger and better"
I had delicious food for the cocktail hour and the dinner, but I could've upgraded and added lobster tails.

Get my point? You have no idea what my (or any other bride) budget was and how they chose to spend it.

I believe that's exactly our point!!! We have no idea unless and until you decide to bring it to our attention with your card about how you're sacrificing something a guest would have gotten for charity. In fact, if you'd have announced that you were using a town car instead of a limo because you were "sacrificing" for charity, I'd consider that equally as tacky.

As I said before, the minute anyone publicizes any "charitable" donation of any kind, they've stopped being charitable and have now made a purchase. They're purchasing perceived goodwill and appreciation from friends, family and strangers. In cases of people like me (who will never tell them to their face), they've purchased a diminished opinion of how they were raised and their level of social standing.

 

[postage stamp]

<-------- Suddenly super glad her wedding was planned in 6 weeks and the only thing anyone argued about was that my MIL doesn't like yellow roses.

 

[JaneBanks]

Obviously your mind did go close to those thoughts, if you felt it necessary to make the "in lieu of" announcement.

I've said it a few times that I personally DIDN'T make an "in lieu of" announcement.

 

[JaneBanks]

You still don't get it (and at this point one can only assume you are deliberately choosing not to get it... whether or not you agree, you should at least be able to understand what people are saying at this point). Donating to a charity is not tooting your own horn. Telling all of your wedding guests that you cut one part of your budget, the part you would have spent on them, so that you could make that donation? That is the horn tooting part.

No, I absolutely get what you're saying. I just think you're (the general you) wrong and being completely unfair.

 

[tlbwriter]

I've said it a few times that I personally DIDN'T make an "in lieu of" announcement.

Then why are you taking any of this personally?

 

[Carly_Roach]

Well.. a few pages ago, I clearly explained my reasons for donating and that I did do the "in memory of".

You're right. It is exhausting being told that because I decided to donate to a charity, I'm a "toot my own horn" "attention seeking show off".

Not as exhausting as it is trying to make you understand that it's not the actual donation to charity that is in dispute here. That's never been the subject no matter how much you keep repeating "almonds", "trinkets" or drama queening about how you're being pillaried for giving to charity.

It's when you communicate the fact that you've donated to charity that some may think less of you. It's the way you communicate your donation to charity that some would take issue with.

At this point, I think you're either never going to get what we're saying or you're choosing to not comprehend what we're saying.