Wedding Debt- advice

[HunnyPots]

First of all, I just wanted to say how much I have enjoyed reading all of your replies and suggestions! I have enjoyed hearing what matters years after the wedding and what you remember most. I love you guys! ANd yes, we are paying for all of this ourselves! We know what WE want. Its the not offending family members etc that is causing the issues.


We do not want the "marriage "to get lost in the wedding. That being said, we do want to celebrate the marriage with a very small wedding. The marriage is really the important part.

We have definately concluded that weddings make the sane become insane. (our families)

We discussed our destination wedding plans with both families, and they all complained. So we tried planning something at home to appease them and then they all complained about that too and just as loudly (why not a church, we dont like this hall, this baker makes ugly cakes blah blah) we have concluded that no matter what we do, there will be some unhappy people in our family.

We have done some pricing out:

We both love Disney, and neither of our parents have ever been. We took our first vacation to Disney and we also got engaged at Disney, so the Escape wedding seems like the perfect choice. However, the guest restricitons for the Escape (18 guests + bride & groom) would not allow us to invite our entire immediate family, df is one of seven children and his siblings are all married with children. Our immediate family would be 25-30 people, and we know they would not all be able to come. But there is no way to predict how many will. ANd if you have more than the allotment youd have to bump to a wishes wedding which is out of our budget. ANd we do not ever see or speak to some of his immediate family, but well, you can't invite some and not all, it just wouldnt be right.

Our first idea was to get married at Disney and we thought it would be wonderful to have our parents finally get to experience the place that we love so much. We have never been able to go to Disney with our friends and family and really want to share the memories of such a fun place with them. We were totally sold and excited on the idea of an Escape wedding. We didnt start second guessing ourselves until other people started chiming in with their complaints.

That being said the Escape wedding starts at 4500 with everything included, flights/tux/photos and the 20 guests etc it would be closer to 10K. Unless we have JUST our parents, then we could be much closer to 6k. But our siblings/best friends wouldnt be there. I really want my dad to walk me down the aisle

The Cancun thing is MUCH less expensive,starts at 2500 lets you have more flexibility with guest list, it would certainly be beautiful, but well, its not the Disney wedding. And one of our families is afraid to go to Mexico. But if they did come, it would also be a lot of wonderful memories with the friends and families. I know we would enjoy it.

We have decided that we are not going to put ourselves into any debt that cannot be paid off within 1 year.

We are going to try to make some decisions tonight! AND I AM LOVING the suggestion to do a little wedding now and big vow renewal later when we have more money!!!!!!That seems like a lovely compromise. I am thinking of a lovely Escape wedding for just parents, and maybe a BBQ celebration when we get home for the rest of the fam.


******Do you guys think it is tacky to elope & then have a big BBQ type reception at home?

Wow! You just can't win with these family members, can you? Forget trying to please them, its not worth the headache. I LOVE the idea of the Escape wedding with just your parents and his! Perfect solution! If you want to throw a BBQ when you get back home for everyone else, great. You still won't make everyone happy but as long as you and your fiance are happy, that's all that matters. Have fun planning!

 

[Lmichele]

******Do you guys think it is tacky to elope & then have a big BBQ type reception at home?

Nope....My brother and his fiance got married on the beach in St. John, just the two of them and when they got back they did an outdoor reception. They didn't do hot dogs and burgers, it was a nice outdoor catered event at the local park with a d.j.....casual dress......It was great!

 

[Suz D]

I'm sorry about not reading this entire thread before posting, so if this has been suggestion has already been posted...sorry!

What about getting married in Orlando with a few days before the wedding at Disney World with everyone that you'd like to have come? You could also spend a few days after the wedding with or without everyone and then after they all leave, you could have an extended honeymoon there? I'm sure there are great places to get married near Disney World and then the parents would get to experience this but you wouldn't break the bank or leave anyone out.

Suz D

 

[bopper]

I would not start out my marriage with a ton of debt if possible. Use that money for a downpayment on a house!

 

[annsteere]

I'm wondering if there's a pattern here...Trying to figure out if those who 'wouldn't change a thing' are mostly the ones who didn't pay for it. In conversations I have with people - that's what I find. People who don't even know how much it cost because parents paid for it, tend to have loved everything. People like me and dh, who paid for it ourselves and had an informal, picnic reception - while I still LOVED every minute, Yes, I would change some things. There was really no reason to have as many people that we had there. At the time it always seems like 'well I HAVE to invite this person if I invite that person' - especially because DH and I work at the same company so it seems like we invited practically a whole department. With hindsight, I would have considered very carefully if I had a relationship with that person that would make it meaningful for him/her to be there before insisting they are on the invite list. It would have made it smaller and more intimate AND would have saved some cash at the same time.


DD is getting engaged and I read this thread with great interest. This quote really caught me. DD would like to have everything. But, her assumption is that we will be paying.

I'm trying to figure out "how much of this stuff would be really important to her if she was spending her own dime, not my home equity credit line.?

The situation is complicated by the fact that once she is married, she will be in a much stronger financial position than we are. What we borrow to celebrate with her will have NO impact on when/if she gets a house, goes on a vacation, etc.

 

[HunnyPots]

DD is getting engaged and I read this thread with great interest. This quote really caught me. DD would like to have everything. But, her assumption is that we will be paying.

I'm trying to figure out "how much of this stuff would be really important to her if she was spending her own dime, not my home equity credit line.?

The situation is complicated by the fact that once she is married, she will be in a much stronger financial position than we are. What we borrow to celebrate with her will have NO impact on when/if she gets a house, goes on a vacation, etc.

One way to find out is to give her whatever amount you feel comfortable contributing and saying, "Here you go -spend it wisely, because any amount you go over will come out of your own pocket!"

 

[wdw_dine_junkie]

I got married in Vegas for $300 and don't regret it for a minute! We told family and friends where the wedding was and if they wanted to go they could, if not we understood. It's not like you have to twist people's arms to come to Vegas 15 people came and we had a blast. When we got home, we threw a big party for the rest of the family.

After all was said and done, my mother said she was relieved not to have to go through the big wedding planning like she did with my sister.

 

[albertamommyof4]

we never spent much but had a church wedding and had a buffet at our country club and me and hubbie paid for it . the only thing i regret is a honeymoon as we never got one.
I think if i would do it over again i would either elope or have a very intimate family home wedding
for 1 thing is it really worth spending $20,000 or more it is only 1 day you are going to be paying for it for many years to come.
You will not wear the wedding dress again .
I say have a small wedding with some friends and family with a little budget and then go on a honeymoon to disneyworld lol.
Yes i am happily married for almost 12 years now .

 

[shelly3girls]

I got married in Vegas for $300 and don't regret it for a minute! We told family and friends where the wedding was and if they wanted to go they could, if not we understood. It's not like you have to twist people's arms to come to Vegas 15 people came and we had a blast. When we got home, we threw a big party for the rest of the family.

After all was said and done, my mother said she was relieved not to have to go through the big wedding planning like she did with my sister.

My best friend just did this and it was great. Believe it or not the chapel was beautiful. Her pictures turned out better than mine! Those who wanted to showed up and she was surrounded by the people who loved her most. The trip was actually quite affordable.

 

[Momto3Girls&Max]

DD is getting engaged and I read this thread with great interest. This quote really caught me. DD would like to have everything. But, her assumption is that we will be paying.

I'm trying to figure out "how much of this stuff would be really important to her if she was spending her own dime, not my home equity credit line.?

The situation is complicated by the fact that once she is married, she will be in a much stronger financial position than we are. What we borrow to celebrate with her will have NO impact on when/if she gets a house, goes on a vacation, etc.

Personally I would set an amount that I'm willing to give to my DD and have her plan whatever type of wedding she wants, knowing that anything she plans over the gift is her and her soon to be DH's responsibility. Why is it a given that you will have to take a home equity loan to pay for her wedding? I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with her. (And this is coming from a mom of three girls. I love when everyone asks how we'll pay for all of the weddings!?!?!?! As if it's a given. Sure, we'll help if we can but we're not taking a home equity loan to do so.)

 

[KnightFarms]

My husband and I paid for almost the whole wedding by ourselves so we could have complete control over the thing.
Things I loved:

• Small wedding of 50-75 people (I saw and spoke with everyone)
• We spent a ton on the food, but the reception cite and all the set up, clean up, etc... came with it. And people loved it, they still rave about our food 6 years later.
• I hired a free lance photographer that we paid by the hour, and then he gave us 4 cds full of pictures, and a few 8x10's.
• We paid for the first 2 hours of alcohol and then after that it was a cash bar.
• We bought suits instead of tuxes. The boys were comfy and then they had a suit afterwards. The groom wore a blue shirt and the groomsman and my dad wore white. All matching ties and kerchiefs.

DON'TS:

• Party favors. Have you ever kept someone else's wedding favor?
• Elaborate center pieces.
• go overboard on flowers, they are EXPENSIVE
• Let your parents add people to your guest list unless they are paying for part of the wedding. Or set a number they can invite, rather than say will you make a list of who you'd like to come.

I loved someone's suggestion about getting married casually, waiting 5 years, then if a big wedding is still what you want, have a great vow renewal ceremony.

Best of luck!

 

[daleswife]

The only advice I can give you is....You only get married once (well I hope so )

Our wedding came in at about $25,000....looking back I know we probably could have spent less, but I have no regrets....it was one of the best days of my life!

I got married twice!!! To the same MAN!!! HOW FUNNY!!!!! Anyhoo, our first wedding cost me about 3500.00 and that included my disney honeymoon in 1999. Our second wedding cost me about $500.00. We got married at a cabin in Gatlinburg TN by an old country preacher in cover-alls.....Was the best wedding ever. If I had it to do over, my first wedding would have been just like my second.....but thats just me.

 

[BeckyScott]

We had a small budget wedding, because we were poor and payin' for it ourselves.

We called in favors like crazy, many of our friends did have useful skills. We found a location locally for free. I sew, and while I did buy my dress (on clearance), I modified it myself so it was a little more unique. I tried, and I know everyone says this, to do bridesmaid dresses they really could wear again, they were street-length and very simple. We didn't do a full-blown meal at the reception, just snacks and cake. My one splurge was the flowers. We picked an "odd" date which helped when we were renting the stuff that needed to be rented.

We walked away from it with nothing on our credit cards, because we didn't have any credit cards. I imagine it would have been very tempting if we could have charged a bunch of stuff, but I think we were better off in the end.

One of the best receptions I've ever been to was a friend from college. They also did a small wedding. For the reception, the bride and groom went to all their family members and asked them to bring-a-dish, basically it was a pot luck dinner. The older relatives provided some of the special food that were those family recipes that get passed down. It was a really lovely idea, it was great food (you know those grandma's weren't messin around) and it made everyone in the family feel like they were really a part of it, without it breaking the bank.

 

[wendy46001]

Personally I would set an amount that I'm willing to give to my DD and have her plan whatever type of wedding she wants, knowing that anything she plans over the gift is her and her soon to be DH's responsibility.

I was also going to suggest a set amount...that way you don’t have to haggle over every little detail…if she wants the pricey chair covers but the cheaper bar package its her call…that way you don’t fall into the “but mom its only 200 dollars more trap”

 

[micheleq]

Wedding make people nuts!

That being said, my 2002 wedding cost 40k. No debt. My parents paid about half, DH's parents paid for flowers and rehersal dinner, the rest came out of money I had saved personally (DH's cash went to my engagement ring and he bought a house for us three months before our engagement).

I come from a large, Italian family, and we had a large, Italian wedding If I had to do it all over again, I'd only spend my $20-something thousand and do a smaller wedding. But, it was a great time.

As other posters have said, destination weddings can be a financial burden on your loved ones.

Do your Escape wedding with your parents, have a BBQ/party for everyone when you get home. Spend your $$ on your Disneymoon.

Congrats, and good luck with both school and the wedding.

 

[travelgirl06]

I LOVE this thread! I'm so sick of wedding magazines/tv shows/etc. that make you feel like you need the ballroom wedding to be happy. DFi and I are planning a small, intimate (and affordable) wedding, as we are saving up for a house. We aren't asking for parental financial support, because we don't think its fair to ask our parents for something we wouldn't be willing to pay for (plus they have their own lives to lead, and we both have decent jobs). We could go all out and do a "big" wedding if we saved up, but we'd much rather put the money towards a house (it will go a long way in this market)

We are planning on having about 50 people (truly the nearest and dearest) and doing a small outdoor ceremony followed by a nice dinner at a nearby restaurant and lots of family/friend time during the weekend (since we recently moved, and many people will have to travel to get here). I just found a dress that I love (gorgeous, but casual) at David's Bridal for $99 (plus I have a $50 off coupon ). We are, however, planning to "splurge" a (little) bit on the honeymoon. He's never been to Europe, so we're looking for affordable ways to get there (non DCL cruises are looking pretty nice right now). We'd like to keep the wedding and honeymoon well under $10K total, and I think we can do it. It's going to take some creative planning and careful decisions, but neither of us is big on "status" and we relish the challenge.

Thanks for all the inspiration on this thread - keep it coming!

 

[dakcp2001]

Wendy your pics are beautiful!

 

[wendy46001]

Wendy your pics are beautiful!

Thanks
it really was a great party …and one of my favorite days

 

[we3peas]

We were married about 17 years ago. DH's family paid for flowers and a really nice (much nicer than reception) rehearsal dinner. My family paid for the food at reception, and my brother and his friend cooked and acted as servers. I was lucky to find a really inexpensive dress ($200) and a great alterations person that made my headpiece, altered my dress and made the bridesmaid dresses(3) all for $100 total. We paid for minister, church, photographers, hall rental at church (so no alcohol-a really big expense!), organist, DJ, and his tux. We also paid for our 7 night cruise to Bermuda, all for cash-less than $8000 total. We had Sunday school friends act as our wedding coordinators, all for free. We also had a friend video the wedding as their present to us.
I feel we had a great wedding, reception and honeymoon-all paid for with no debt afterword. It allowed us to save immediately for our house which we bought 2 years later. It is now paid off and we have no major debt in this very tough economy.
I have a hard time watching shows on TV with the escalating wants and desires of the bride mostly without regard to the costs. I wouldn't have traded my day for any of those I've seen so far. It's the person you marry and not the ceremony that really counts and I know I have the person God wanted me to be with and that's what really matters to me.

 

[tonilea]

Everyone is different. I do adore my kids but my wedding day was still the best day of my life. The day each of my daughters was born was absolutely amazing and I have wonderful memories from those experiences, I loved being pregnant and love giving birth but still my wedding day wins. I happen to like to be the center of attention (as long as it's good attention) and you never get to be more the center of attention than on your wedding day. You truely get to be like a celebrity and it only lasts one day.

I didn't mean that as a dig toward you at all. I have just heard so many people say (including myself) that the best day of their lives was when their children were born.