Ungrateful children

[Teresa Pitman]

I'm just wondering if perhaps part of the children's reaction was some fear and anxiety about the family's financial situation. Last year, the family went to WDW and there was plenty of spending money for the kids, and this year there is not. Maybe the OP said something to the kids about the family not having as much money this year. That can be scary to kids - who aren't really old enough to understand the big financial picture - and that fear may have brought on this reaction. They kick up a fuss about not getting the spending money to see how you react - will you quickly give in and say okay, meaning that it wasn't a problem, or will you hold out and refuse to give them any money - leading to the situation where they walk off feeling upset. It's kind of "testing the waters" to see how bad things really are financially.

I'm NOT saying I think you should give them the money when you can't afford it, but this might be an opportunity to help them understand better. They might need some reassurance that there WILL be enough money for food, clothes, the other things they need, and not spending money in some areas means you have more for others.

Teresa

 

[deekaypee]

Ouch. Their reaction must have hurt, and like many posters I'm not sure I would say you did anything wrong even though I understand why it might feel like it. And do keep in mind that their behavior seems to be a bit out-of-character for them, at least according to your later post.

First, silly reactions!
I have to admit that I had this knee-jerk reaction: I'm sure many of their friends would be more than happy to go to WDW in their place. Maybe you could child-swap before the trip occurs?

Or I volunteer to come along and be a DD for a week (I'm a bit older than your children, but I act young for my age); I'll even pay my own airfare and bring my own spending money!

Or perhaps you could put off your plans for another year, which would permit them the opportunity to earn their spending money? And then they'd have a whole year to anticipate the vacation!

More seriously...
I do think that all your children are of an age where they could benefit from learning about how your household finances works, about the value of money, and about how they can be expected to contribute to the operation of the home and family. By this, I mean to say that I believe children need to learn how they should contribute to the smooth operation of the household, not only financially or in terms of physical labor (though I say "yea" to both) but in other ways.

In terms of your upcoming trip, your children can contribute their allowance/gift/discretionary money. And they should be involved in the labor involved, from laundry & packing to keeping the hotel room clean. But there are other things:
1) They can help plan the trip, within the constraints of the family budget and with the parents retaining both the list of original option and veto power. I don't think it's too early to talk about $ decisions with your children, about how the choice to buy one thing, like a vacation (big) or plush animal (small) means other things are sacrificed. Also, I think children can realize that these decisions affect all members of the family, not just the individual child.
2) They should adopt an attitude that makes the trip something to look foward to (they are responsible for the Disney pixie dust as much as you). When they do, it demonstrates their respect for you. They could help with countdown calendars, planning travel activities, volunteer for all the little extra chores that go with vacation planning, and I would especially suggest they make you thank-you cards.

I also agree with several people's comments, excerpted here:

I like the idea of having the kids take more ownership of paying for the trip (on a small, kid-sized scale..meaning they contribute to their own spending money). [...] Maybe you could have a family meeting and discuss the fact that they probably don't realize how you (parents) have scrimped and saved to make this trip possible, and that there simply isn't spending money available because the car had to be fixed. You could tell them that the family has a choice...either go to Disney with less spending money, or cancel the trip.

It is never too early to teach children about money. Instead of a free allowance, allowance can be their pay for the chores they do. You can assign chores for ANY age child. [...] As your kids get older, they can do more chores for more pay. This teaches them lessons in life that can not be taught just by telling them. (You will find that those " I need that" items decrease when they have to pay for part or all of the non necessities. )

I would suggest you be honest with your kids. Tell them you made a mistake handing them a hundred bucks last year and you won't make that mistake again. Explain (again) the financial situation and the concept of family (making sacrifices for the happiness of others) and gratitude (a thankful heart is a happy heart). If they are old enough, I'd suggest having them start a gratitude journal, where they have to write 5 things they are grateful for each day, I'd even encourage that it be 5 things that OTHER kids might NOT have (bike, skating lessons, TV, etc) Try to get them to start thinking of intangibles they are grateful for (Mom who loves me, Dad's job, sunshine). Explain what "entitlement" means and that they AREN'T entitled to anything but food, shelter, and basic clothing. I reminded my older 2 frequently that "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" was reserved for the tax-paying adults, thank you. They are now tax-paying adults and are enjoying their life, liberty, and pursuit WITH the realization that it's a lot of hard work and money does not grow on trees.

One more thing: I do like the idea of a garage sale--their toys included--but I think at least part of the money raised should offset the cost of the trip beyond souvenir spending money. (Maybe snacks, and definitely a gift for you and dad!)

[Total side note: Once, en route to our family vacation, me and my little brother were whining about being hot and tired and hungry. My father warned us to behave ourselves or he'd turn right around and drive back home. At this point we were several hours into our journey and less than an hour from our destination, so of course we didn't believe him and acted up again. Wouldn't you know it--he turned right around and drove all the way back home. We never did it again. Only as an adult did I realize how tough that must have been for both my father and mother--and I later learned they fought about the decision for weeks afterwards behind closed doors--but it was a very valuable lesson for me.]

 

[Lizzybee]

Just last night I was out shopping, and a little boy was having a complete MELTDOWN because his mom put a toy back that he wanted. For about 5 minutes, I heard nothing but (in a loud wailing voice), "Nooooo, mom, don't put the Indian toy baaaaaack!" How this woman maintained her composure is beyond me. But she didn't give in, and hopefully her kid will learn that screaming in a store gets you nowhere. If I had acted like that, I would have been unconscious.

But seriously...OP, I hope your kids get the message. I know it's hard not to spoil them, but it's better to break them of it now than later on when they expect everything to be handed to them! I was never able to go to WDW until I was older (31 to be exact) and able to pay my way!

My kids misbehaved in a ladies clothing store while I was shopping. When I was done, I put them in the car and drove to a Target I don't usually shop at. I took them to the toy aisle and proceeded to make a scene and act JUST LIKE THEM in the other store. I whined loudly about all the things I want "a maserati, a cruise, some time to myself, nail polish" I (gently) pushed them around and kept them from looking at the things they wanted to see. Embarrassed the living daylights out of them (they were 3 and 7 at the time). Even the 3 yr old remember and every time she saw a Target sign she'd say "mommy if we go there are you going to 'pester' us." The parents around us at Target knew what I was doing and either giggled or smiled knowingly and nodded. It sure did work!

 

[haleofafamily]

We have five children and one thing I have learned quickly is that children will live up to your expectations of them. So if you expect them to go through an "ungrateful stage" (or any other stage of poor behavoir) then they will and you all will be miserable. If ungratefulness is not tolerated from the beginning then they learn correct responses and everyone is much happier.
I think it's great that you are willing to take your children on a trip to WDW. I like my children to have souvenirs also so I go to our Disney Store (or Wal-mart) and get T-Shirts, toys, toothbrushes, coloring books, (anything Disney) on sale. It is much cheaper than at WDW and they are surprised at each new thing.

 

[jeankeri]

I am so sorry for the reaction you got. My boys never cease to amaze me with how selfish their thinking can be sometimes. What makes it so hurtful is I am completely caught off-guard; it seldom happens but when it does- wham-o! Having planned a return trip on the heels of another, I told my boys they would be responsible for their own souvineers; there was not enough time between trips to save extra $. They also had all their Disney treats in a bin so I suggested they take somethings back with them: light up toys, autograph books, silly hats, etc. They were troopers saving their money, but found with bringing their old souvies back, they didn't have much they needed to buy.

 

[JPN4265]

Hi,
You did not go wrong,all kids are like this at one point or another.


Not all kids.

 

[FOV]

All kids make mistakes and that's how we, as parents, teach them.

I can think of many times as an adult where I have had to reign in my thinking to be appreciative for what I have. We are going to WDW this year but for a shorter period of time than usual. When planning my ADR's etc... I kept thinking how I wish I had more time. [It's DH's fault for spending those 2 extra vacation days at that hockey tournament of his.. grrr... Oops - now I sound like your kids!] Yikes!!!! What am I thinking??? I am *so* lucky to be able to travel as much as I do with my family. I have no right to have these thoughts! Kids are no different and I think all people need to reign themselves in from time to time. It's not just kids - really!!!!

For me being appreciative for what I have is something I have to work on everyday (ya, I'm worse than most .) Who doesn't (at least occasionally) want a bit more money *or* a nicer car *or* longer vacation *or* a more perfect spouse *or* more time to read a book....

Good for you for not letting your kids get a pass on this behavior. It's like dealing with sibling rivalry, bad sportsmanship, doing homework.... Gosh parenting is HARD! The great posts on this thread give lots of great ways to teach kids to be thankful.

Teachable moments - they're great aren't they!

 

[DisDarling]

Im not sure on when you are going, but I would buy cheap dollar store disney items, or Walmart items, bring them with and give them out every other day! Also, if they cant appreciate the money and time for a 10 day trip, they seriously shouldnt get anything for that attitude! JMO.

 

[Friendly Frog]

I can think of many times as an adult where I have had to reign in my thinking to be appreciative for what I have We are going to WDW this year but for a shorter period of time than usual. When planning my ADR's etc... I kept thinking how I wish I had more time. [It's DH's fault for spending those 2 extra vacation days at that hockey tournament of his.. grrr... Oops - now I sound like your kids!] Yikes!!!!

OMGosh, that was so funny and a very good point.

 

[HopperFan]

Love the garage sale idea. My kids used to sell snacks and drinks while the neighborhood sale went on and often did quite well. Maybe DSD could do that while the others sell their "stuff".

We have a Mickey Money Jar. Jar with characters I got at discount store. While they were younger we always had it on the kitchen counter, waiting for the next trip. We'd drop in change. They decided if they wanted to put that dollar from grandma etc in it. Before a trip we cashed it in and turned into Dis Dollars. The deal was NO ASKING for anything during the trip, only window shopping. Last day we either went to resort shop or World of Disney and they would shop. Usually had about $25-30 each and usually they picked one large item that was special. Now that they are older, and have more cash, they still only browse with a rare purchase and shop the last day. Funny how it stuck !

 

[kennancat]

Can I propose option #4? Tell your kids you're leaving them at home and going to WDW to enjoy free dining and some alone time with your hubby. All while spending their souvenir money!

 

[I Love Pluto]

I agree with the last post. If a 10-day trip to Disney isn't "good enough", then they should stay home.

How will they ever learn if there are no consequences for their attitudes? My kids are adults now - but - they never would have treated their father and/or me like this.

 

[castleeto]

It's so hard for kids to understand that they can't have what they want, and even more so when they've had it given to them in the past. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, but it is an opportunity to see where they've possibly learned to feel entitled. I was quite spoiled as a child, especially on our Disney trips, so I can relate to your children. However, as a parent I have a much different approach. My dd is only 2, but already I've decided that it's important to me that she doesn't attach too much importance to "stuff", even if we have the money to give it to her.

If I was in your position, I would take it as a huge growth opportunity for your children. The garage sale is a good idea for them to earn a little extra money, however, even though it teaches them the value of a dollar, it still teaches them that what's ultimately important is getting more stuff. I would plan a few pre-trip activities that get your kids excited about things other than buying stuff. Have the kids list their favorite things to do at Disney, and they'll probably realize that most of the list isn't about buying more stuff. Also plan some extra fun things to do in the park, like make up a game to play in lines, or Hidden Mickey scavenger hunts. Teach them that anybody can buy "stuff" at Disney, but there are only a few people lucky enough to be there with YOUR family.

 

[Philagoofy]

Now, about those husbands who want lots of stuff...argh!
I could open up a souvenir shop in my own home.
And we don't even have any kids.

 

[Esteri]

Wow, this sure is a hot topic.

As disappointing as their reaction was, your kids have handed you a golden opportunity for a little lesson in Finances. 8 and 9 isn't too young to start having these conversations. (If I remember correctly, you indicated the kids are 9, 8, 8, and 4 or 5?)

Sit down and talk about - in round numbers - how much this trip costs. How much for the airfare/car to get there? How much for the hotel? How much for the food? How much for the tickets? etc. then compare that to something they can relate to - how many days did Dad (or Mom) have to work to earn that much? How many weeks of allowance is that? The goal of the conversation isn't to make them feel guilty about the trip. The goal is to start them down the path of making good financial choices.

When our DS9 suggested that we should live in a hotel because it was so much easier, all it took was letting him know that ONE NIGHT in a hotel costs 3 MONTHS of allowance. Ohhhhhh, did that hotel room become special.

Like others I like the idea of letting them earn their spending money. However, I see the difficulties you are facing with your step-daughter bringing her own spending money. It's a tricky situation and I hope you can handle it with a chat with her mother. Still, you should look for ways for the kids to earn their spending money. Perhaps you can work something out jointly with your step daughter's mom where she is earning her way too. Our DS9 is old enough to mow lawns (with supervision) - which is way younger than I was expecting...

Like others, we were very surprised how tight fisted DS9 became (he was 6, nearly 7 at the time) when he started spending his own money. He left WDW with half of it left - and bought a bunch of Legos at Downtown Disney with it. Good buy - as they are still playing with those Legos.

This year will be difficult as he's been saving up for a Legos Mindstorms (Robotic set) and I'm not certain how we'll split out spending money for WDW. He's been mowing the lawn for an extra $5 per week for a couple of months now trying to get that Legos set. Well, something will come to us. I don't want to gift it to him entirely - then it looses it's value.

Finally, you might take the opportunity to turn the situation into a game. Challenge your kids - how much fun can we have with the LEAST amount of money? Ours respond well to these sorts of games. Mostly, they pick up on our own attitude. If we treat the situation like some fun new challenge - they will to. If we are unhappy, or apologetic about the situation - they'll respond like the little brats they can be. "It's not an accident - it's an on purpose. This time we're going to Disney with a whole new challenge." As so many of our politicians know - it's all in the spin.

Have a fabulous trip.

 

[cleo]

The garage sale is a good idea for them to earn a little extra money, however, even though it teaches them the value of a dollar, it still teaches them that what's ultimately important is getting more stuff.

That's a really good point. Seems to me the real lesson for this year's trip is, NO STUFF. IMO, they kind of 'blew it' for this year, but maybe if they go this year and get NO stuff, they can start saving for next time. I agree it's important for them to get away from the idea of presents and, even though they probably won't be grateful for the trip (grateful isn't really a kid thing, but respectful should be), they'll at least have learned the lesson about greed, disrespect and what it means to enjoy your time as family.

 

[EEyorelover22]

Just kids and my two kids are different even in how they are from one another. DS doesn't ask for much and saves his money from birthdays, Christmas, etc to buy bigger items. DD doesn't save a thing and I call her the "money pit". She is always wanting something. DS takes good care of his stuff while DD doesn't and doesn't understand the value of a dollar either. It's very odd and they were both raised in the same house. My brother and I were the same way growing up. I was the saver and he was the spender. I use to loan him money and charge him interest

 

[Fitswimmer]

I'm an only child, so my parents were very concerned about me becoming a "spoiled brat". When we went on vacation, I could have ONE gift to bring home. If I wanted more, I had to earn the money to pay for it myself. I'm sure there was a ceiling on the price, but I don't recall ever being told what it was, nor was my final choice ever refused. (I never picked anything really outrageous though-well under $100) I would spend the whole trip choosing that one gift. Every time I would look at something in a shop-Mom or Dad would say "Is that your choice?" I really had to think long and hard about what I got. I can still remember my "choices" from almost every trip I went on and I still have most of them because they were so special.

When we started taking the godchildren on vacation, we did the same thing with them. ONE gift and they could earn the rest. It was really fun watching them make their choices.

I was just at WDW with my Mom and Dad in June. I took them on vacation because I bought into DVC. We were shopping at the emporium and I was looking at this red Mickey jacket and my Dad came up to me and said "Is that your choice?" I almost started crying because it brought all those wonderful days back, I remembered every trip from that one question. (I'm getting misty writing this!!) I nodded at him and he took it and bought it for me, just like he did when I was 12.

It was probably easier because that practice was established from our first vacation, if they had to go to a more restrictive system from a more liberal one it would have been harder. One thing I did with my goddaughter was as soon as she was old enough I had her help me pay bills. She saw what I brought home and where it all went, and what little bit I had left. It gave her a better idea why I said I couldn't buy her things everytime she asked.

 

[Disney Spaz]

I feel your pain. Our last Oct trip my now 16 DS told me my walking too slow ( 3 months pregnant) and desire for everyone to atleast eat dinner together, was ruining his entire vacation. He then procedeed to inform my that for the past several trips to the world had been ruined by me because I didn't allow him to do what he wanted. To put it a little into context I had allowed him and his 15 yr brother to close down the parks everynight and ride the buses back to the resorts together, everynight they were out til midnight or close to it, not something they would ever get to do at home. So this Nov he is staying home with Grandma. At first he said that was fine cause I ruin his trips but as it has gotten closer he has been hinting around about going. I must admit I have been wavering but luckily my husband has stood strong.
As for your situation I agree that they will enjoy just being there once they arrive and tend to forget about the money. I would do the garage sale if that is at all possible but only let them sell their things. Good Luck.

 

[pouncingpluto]

I was just at WDW with my Mom and Dad in June. I took them on vacation because I bought into DVC. We were shopping at the emporium and I was looking at this red Mickey jacket and my Dad came up to me and said "Is that your choice?" I almost started crying because it brought all those wonderful days back, I remembered every trip from that one question. (I'm getting misty writing this!!) I nodded at him and he took it and bought it for me, just like he did when I was 12.

Awww... that is soooooo sweet. I actually welled up a little reading it, here at my desk at work.