Ungrateful children

[LindsayDunn228]

My folks never gave us a buck on vacation. They fed us two (yes, two, not threee) good meals a day, albeit at somewhere like Ponderosa/Sizzler/Perkins/Denny's for breakfast and Bennigans/Chillis etc for dinner and that was it. If we wanted a soda, we had to pay for it out of our OWN money. If we wanted an ice cream, we had to pay for it out of our OWN money. If we wanted a hat, we had to pay for it out of our OWN money. We earnt this money by doing odd jobs ($6 for washing the car for example) throughout the year, from gifts for birthdays and employment as teens.

If my folks decided to buy is a Mickey Bar BETWEEN THE THREE OF US (me and my 2 sisters), that was a big treat. I remember thoroughly enjoying sharing a Mickey Bar with the other two in the line for Jungle Cruise aged 14!!!

Your kids sound almost like they've had the "best" of everything throughout their lives. I understand that every parent wants that for their children and it sounds like you have worked hard to give it to them.

But I think NOT having the "best" of spending money will help them more than $100 a piece will EVER do. I think it'll teach them to budget, to appreciate what you DO have and to realise that money is not going to be handed to them on a plate for the rest of their lives. Harsh? Yes. Fair? Yes.

Basically what I'm trying to say is: don't feel bad or guilty for not coughing up $300. Saving those $300 now because you *have to* will save you thousands of bucks in the future AND hassle in the future when you explain the value to money to your children. It teaches them a lesson worth way more than $100 a piece - and it's a hard lesson to learn BUT I admire you as a parent for doing it, volunatarily or otherwise!

Awesome post!!

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

(admitting I haven't read the entire 10 pages of this thread)

but, my 2 cents:

I have kids that are 6 and 9, and we're probably middle of the road with how much they are given. I have to say too, they are kids though, give them bad news and you won't initially get a mature reaction. My kids usually come around though, give yours some time.

I would give them options on how they can raise some spending money. The yard sale idea, a lemonade stand, maybe they can do some chores for neighbors or grandparents, whatever you can come up that's feasible for your family. It'll teach them it's not so easy to earn a buck.

Personally I wouldn't say anything like you can like it or we'll just not go. If you make empty threats you'll lose your credibility - unless of course, you are really willing to cancel the trip. Then again, you may not get a consensus out of them and again lose your credibility if two come around and one doesn't, yet you don't cancel. I wouldn't put that much control over your trip in their hands.

We tell our kids often that this is the way it's gonna be and you have two choices. You can be happy (like the happy heart comment) or you can be sad - but you're still doing it. They'll pout sometimes but when they realize it's inevitible, they cheer up and get over it.

Good luck and have a great time. 10 days is awesome!

 

[kimmar067]

We have our kids use what they make at our garage sale selling the toys,books etc that they no longer use as their spending money. Perhaps something like that might be a way for them to earn some money. I found that they also tend to think a little harder when it is their money when they spend it. I agree with other posts, kids tend to think of them selves as the center of the universe but in the end usually come around.

...I was going to suggest having them try to make a few bucks by asking neighbors if they could mow their lawns, pick weeds, take out trash, etc....your kids and mine must be related.....

 

[jultomzach]

Teaching your children to be grateful is a long process. Darn it,they are children for a LONG time. That gives us parents lots of opportunity to teach skills and yes, even "make mistakes" along the way. All parents occasionally have what I call "AHA! moments" AHA moments tell us, I need to work on this with my child, this is not the direction I want this child to go. You have GREAT parenting skills to catch this. Good luck, there are many different techniques to teach gratefullness, hope you find one that works for your family!

 

[taeja71]

Do either sets of parents live near by? Could the kids dust grandma's house, pick weeds like some else suggested, or clean grandpa's car etc. to earn money from Grandma? Grandparents tend to be a little more generous with their wages.

Its hard to teach kids that its not the stuff we accumulate while at the parks, but the memories we make.

Have a great trip!

 

[BlueJeansGirl]

I agree with other posters - you have to involve the children, and help them understand how much we sacrifice to go on these trips! My oldest child DD11 saves for our trips all year long - she saves Birthday & Christmas money, she does extra chores, she helps neighbors for a buck or two...it really adds up fast! Our deal is that we buy the kids each a t-shirt, (and of course feed them), but the rest is up to them. It is harder for my DS4 to understand, but he is learning, too. On our trip last Christmas, DD then 10 was so diligent in spending her money wisely, she brought home almost her whole savings for our next WDW trip.

 

[2trips06Mom]

My boys, now almost 19 and 17, were exactly the same way when they were young. I am happy to report that now they have grown into great young men, they are thankful for anything we do for them, buy them, etc. and now that they both have jobs making minimum wage, they know the value of a buck and realize the value of a Disney vacation (memories and costs)... so continue teaching them as you are, they will learn as they age, but I believe you are on the right track (I had many moments when I felt the same as you did - as stated in your OP). Good luck!

 

[kcrew]

I never saw the ages of the children; that would be interesting to know....most posts deal with how to come up with this money deficit for the kids, and I am having a hard time understanding what they need the money for? What did they spend the hundred on last year? Why is this such an important aspect of their trip? Is the spending money really what they remember and value most about last year's trip?

 

[ttownanne]

We're working on this aspect of our trip right now. We just told DD4 tonight that we're going to Disney in November because she stopped sucking her thumb. And we told her that if she saves up her allowance to spend on the trip, we will match whatever she's saved. Being 4, I don't expect her to have saved a ton (she gets $2 a week for returning trash cans to the house, emptying the silverware from the dishwasher, and putting clothes in the hamper), but if she saves each week she'll have $30, which would be matched by us becuase we think it's important to reward that type of commitment and understanding of the situation, especially by a 4 year old! We told her that we would pay for all the food and drinks and snacks and we would buy her one "commemorative" thing like a tshirt or sweatshirt and a few pins, but anything above and beyond that would come from her.

 

[cabanafrau]

IMHO the very best thing you can do for your children is let them know that the souvenir ship has sailed without them for this trip. I don't think it's a bad idea for anyone at any age to realize that stuff is just stuff, it's the experiences of life that are actually memorable. Have a hunch that might make all of you appreciate your trip on an entirely different level.

 

[cleo]

most posts deal with how to come up with this money deficit for the kids, and I am having a hard time understanding what they need the money for? What did they spend the hundred on last year? Why is this such an important aspect of their trip? Is the spending money really what they remember and value most about last year's trip?

I so agree. I'd still make them find ways to earn some money, but it would go toward next year's trip, if you decide there will be one. I think the dual lesson of hard work=money and 'no gifts for YOU this year!' is very fitting.

 

[kcrew]

IMHO the very best thing you can do for your children is let them know that the souvenir ship has sailed without them for this trip. I don't think it's a bad idea for anyone at any age to realize that stuff is just stuff, it's the experiences of life that are actually memorable. Have a hunch that might make all of you appreciate your trip on an entirely different level.

ITA. From the posts that I've been reading I guess our family must be unusual. My 3 DS's 6/8/9 don't get an allowance, don't get paid to do things, and won't have spending money at Disney. I never realized this was so atypical.

 

[kjs]

I feel for you. Now that my kids are getting older (9 and 11) those "I have to have everything days" are mostly behind us. They still get caught up in the "moment", and do some begging, but by the time we explain why they can't have everything they see, the get over it. It is hard as a parent because you want to give your kids everything. It makes everyone feel good. We too are on a very tight budget, and our trip this year was decided because of the "free dining". Keep your reservation, and don't fee guilty. They will get over it, and in time will understand that just being able to go was the important part. Good Luck to you.
kjs

 

[Tinkerbell10403]

It is not uncommon for keids to be ungrateful about things...but wow...you all are going for 10 whole days and that would be good enough for me. Try reminding them of how long you all are going for and how much fun you will have...spending money or not.

 

[babar41]

Does you husband know the names that you call his daughter? I have the same kind of relationship or lack of one with my father and I'm now 36. My stepmother never made me feel welcome and always made it clear that her kids were more important. The pictures of us with my dad were put into the back bedroom, so we could see them when we stayed the night while her kids 8x10's were all over the living room. While I'm sure you are doing everything you think you can to be nice to her maybe she sees it in a different way. It could be the wrong way but when you dad remarries and has more kids it can be difficult. Be the adult and do a little better than $16 for her birthday. This will only cause further problems.
Just my two cents

Tissa... I'm sorry for your lack of relationship with your father and step-mother. But as you said, there are 2 sides to every story. Being a stepchild is not easy, but neither is being a step parent. I don't know the circumstances of your life, perhaps you were the perfect child and your dad married the evil stepmom. Truth normally is somewhere in the middle.

Everyone hits a point where enough is enough. I doubt seriously if the poster is going to send a birthday card with $16 in it, but saying she might helps to relieve the tension she is feeling. Even if she does choose to send the $16, that is her choice and she has her reasons.

For the record, I was a stepchild, I am a mom and stepmom, I am a grandmother and stepgrandmother. I normally never use the word step, to me a step is something you walk on. If you do not have the relationship you wish you had with your dad I suggest you look hard at what you can do to change it. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself.

 

[helenm29]

You will be just fine! as everyone else has said...kids worry about themselves first and $$ signs tend to pop in their eyes. Just go and have tons of fun! as soon as they hit those parks they will forget all about the money thing! Have fun, Have fun....YO HO!

 

[babar41]

Well maybe I can add that 2 cents to her $16. Maybe your situation was different, but I have done nothing but try to make her feel welcome. Since day one she was a terror, since I met her at 8 years old. She said she missed my DH ex girlfriend(who she was terrible to also by the way). She was so mean to me, and I tried to be nicer and nicer. Then Christmas came, I got her a gift from somewhere she thought was expensive( it wasn't really) and she came over hugged me and said I love you. Funny, cause the day before she was still being a brat. The parents were never married, and her mother had a live in boyfriend since the day she was born, so it is not that I took her daddy from her mother. She is spoiled, plain and simple. She would call us in the middle of the night and tell us her mom and the BF were beating her, so we would call the cops to go to their house. Then all of a sudden it was hunky dory, no problems there, we were the crazy ones. We have made a room in our house on 4 occasions in 2 years for her to move in with us, and do you want to know why she didn't??? Because at 13 her question to us was, 'can i still shop at Abercrombie and Fitch every week and sleep over boys houses, because my mom lets me?' We said that is not even up for discussion at this point, it is about your safety, nope, to her it was about what will you buy me. We at the time had 2 little babies at home, and A&F is not a necessity, formula and diapers were. And as for sleeping over at boys houses, yeah right! While at Disney I said to her one night, you know there ar 9 peole here, not just you, be a little bit more flexible, try to understand there is a lot to see, not just the stuff you want, she told me I was p***ing her off. So yeah, I should cut her some slack. I mean she'e only 15, it's a teen thing, and in 5 more years it will still be okay because it's a college thing, and in 5 more, etc, etc. At some point you grow up. I cannot excuse the way she treats her father and her brother and sister. I know some stepparents are jerks, but it was my idea to invite her to Disney to begin with thinking she might like it. Boy was i sorry. I am the one who tells her father to call her all the time, she never return his calls ever. I watch his heart break day in and day out, it is not a matter of we don't want her around. She chooses to be this way, so I should give her more? Well, gee maybe we should just buy her a car since then she can drive down once a year to see us. And her pics are on our fireplace and the frig, where all the other pics are. Being in her shoes, maybe you have some idea of why she is the way she is? Because I have no idea how to get thru to that kid, but I do know spending more money on her is NOT the answer in any way. We invite her to hang out with us, go to the parks, go to the drive in, go swimming,go to picnics-- she never even responds. So, I am out if ideas.

Rainy-daze... I'm sorry for the difficulties you have and probably will continue to go through. As I told Tissa, it's not easy being a step anything. I've been where you are, and hate to tell you but it's not over yet, it probably never will be. The silver lining to this cloud is... one day it may pay off in a way you never expect.

I could sit and talk with you for hours, sharring war stories of the joys of stepparenting ( your SD didn't come to your wedding, my 2SS's and 2SD's came wearing black... and this was before wearing black was acceptable ) But instead I'll share my silver lining. My youngest DSD married a man with 2 daughters. (My wish when she was younger was that she would become a stepmom and know how hard it was. Who could guess my wish would come true ) Anyway, DSD told my husband that she modeled her stepmotherhood after me, because I was the greatest stepmom. This coming from a child that refused to obey any rule I made because her mom told her she didn't have to follow my rules, after all it was her Dad's house, not mine.

I wish you the best of luck and would like to share my mantra with you. "Serenity isn't freedom from the storm but peace within the storm". Good luck!

 

[MyZoeJane]

Don't be too upset. They are only kids and kids think of themselves first. I am sure they will grow out of it. They have a great example in the parents who give up so much just to take them to Disney World

I don't have time to read this entire thread, unfortunately, but I wanted to say.... If I were you, I WOULD be upset. and I would LET YOUR KIDS SEE YOU UPSET. Mind you, not ranting and being a crazywoman... but let your kids see you sad. Let them know they truly have hurt your feelings and made you disappointed.

If anything ever made me think twice about my actions, it was seeing my mom truly saddened by my actions. Especially when she didn't really get angry with me for it....

Kids who behave the ways your behaved need to be taught what it feels like to feel ashamed of their behavior. And don't worry about what "you" did... ANY child could act this way. MANY children act this way. It doesn't make you a bad mom because of it. What will make you a GOOD mom is how you use the situation to create a learning opportunity for your children.

Good luck and I hope you all really enjoy your hard earned vacation!!!

 

[hollyb]

The parents are at fault also. They are raising the kids with this kind of an attitude.

 

[bellebud]

sorry if repeating anything... LONG thread!!

Typical kid reaction... but you should try to do something about it. I love the garage sale idea...

i asked our families (whoever i felt comfortable asking) to give my kids a little bit of disney dollars for gifts ($5 as part of their xmas present, birthday present, etc). This will help during the year to save for their goodies for the next trip... I'll also give them some disney dollars in their stockings, etc.

My ds (4yo) was in a terrible "i want this and that" stage every single shopping trip i took him on, even the grocery store - those cheap little toys... and i had never bought him anything to begin with to start this behavior. It was unbearable to bring him anywhere. I had read somewhere to say "OH, what a great toy... let's write that down on your birthday gift list" and i'd write it on anything i could for the moment. I'd also tell him that i didn't have the money for it now, or just explain that we don't buy 'gifts' and toys on every outing for no reason, so he could maybe start understanding this stuff isn't free. this has worked about 90% of the time. It might not work for your older ones, but maybe your younger ones.

And i'd certainly sit down w/ the older ones and explain that you're shocked by their comments and that your feelings are hurt and you feel like they don't care about going to disney w/ you... they only care about the gifts they'll get.

And remember you're not the only one who goes through this stuff... parenting is hard and teaching them this stuff is tricky, but of course needs to be done.

good luck!! don't let it put a damper on your vacation!

oh, and for a reference point... we have 2 kids and can afford to go to disney about 2x's a year and we stay 1 - 2 weeks at deluxe. I would never just tell them they have $100 to spend each. I think it's too much money. I let them have a little money on their own (they are still little though... 4yo and 6yo)... just a few dollars... and this past trip i told them to really think about what they want and we'll buy it towards the end of the trip. I did buy a couple of little things during the trip... sunglasses, the tiny fans. but NOT something every day. yours seem older, so i'm only going by my experience w/ my little ones... don't know how it will be when they're older. but i think a flat $100 each is a lot of money, whether you can afford it or not.