Thread for parents who have lost babies..preborn or shortly after--just to chat

[Keli]

I had a miscarriage this past January. It was such a shock to find out that I was expecting a baby after all these years. I never expected this pregnancy (unable to conceive). I thought the next baby in my life would be a grandchild several years down the road. But the impossible happened and my dh and I were starting to get excited when I started having some problems.

I don't let myself dwell on it though. I want to get over the grief and move on and when I think about the baby too often it makes me so sad.

 

[TinkBoo&ElliesMum]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
Wow, that must have been very tough! My SIL just found out last week that her pregnancy is not viable and she is waiting to miscarry (her second time). She is hoping it will happen on it's own because she already has scar tissue problems and wants to try again eventually. She has a D&C scheduled in a week, just in case. But it is awful that she is just waiting for the inevitable. Very tough on her and my brother.

From your counter, it looks like you are in the homestretch, prayers for smooth sailing from now until your baby is born!

edited to add, my SIL is about 7 weeks now.

It was very hard at times, we went through a lot and there were times I was sure we'd never have another baby. Then I got pregnant with Belle, I think I made it through that one in a state of shock and didn't believe it was real until she was out. I am getting towards the end, though this one has shown to be a bit more hard headed then the rest and has been sitting breech for the last ohhhhhhhh 20 weeks or so! I'm a little more nervous about this round.

I hope your SIL is ok - it's such a hard situation to be in, the waiting is horrible - I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

[tiggerlover]

This thread just proves to me that the feeling and love of an unborn child is so strong no matter how far along in a pregnancy you are. The tears are flowing as this is a subject I don't visit very often. Kristy, I can not imagine the pain felt losing a child when you are so far along as I know what my pain was like and I was just at 12 weeks along. I don't think you ever forget, it just gets easier with time. I was pregnant the very first time 11 years ago, when we found out we were expecting, it was a glorious day for we had been trying to conceive for 6 years so I was in love the moment I found out. To this day I just know my baby was a girl, don't ask me how I know I just "know" and we were going to name her Melissa. The devastation I felt when I miscarried was the worst pain I ever felt in my life, it was a very dark period for at least a year. I don't think about her like I used to, but I do sometimes think, oh she would be 10 this year and compare her to other 10 year olds and the pain of the loss is still there, but only when I really think about it. It took me another 3 years to get pregnant again and I am very fortunate all went well with that pregnancy and now I have a great 7 year old son, but I will never forget my first and the pain of losing her. I know you didn't ask for it, but here is a great big {{{HUG}}}

 

[zonelinks]

HYE....i am not even married but my mum had two miscarriages after me..i hav an elder sis..but we never talk about it..she lost them very early...when the embryos were just formed or something...but i do think about them they wud hav been in their early teens now...i wonder what they are now...
------------------------------------
http://www.zonelinks.com
------------------------------------
The Power Link Dimension

 

[Tigger&Tink]

It has been 25 years since "MY LITTLE GIRL" was still born....I had been married 5 yrs and pregnant every year, but lost the babies at different stages (early each time) when I was carrying for the 6th time ,seemed all was well UNTIL the 8th month. I just knew something was wrong, I didn't feel the baby moving,,sure enough an ultrasound showed, the baby had died,,, I was told I would just abort it , in a few weeks,,that was the hardest to take,,knowing I was carrying my dead baby, 6 days later I went into labor,and this was a FULL labor (of course I didnt know that not having gone through one before) but the PAIN,,I just KNEW they made a mistake, it couldnt be THIS bad if the baby was dead...well sadly she was,,back 25 years ago they did not let you see or have the baby, I begged and begged, but it was not to be. This was 25 years ago and I STILL think of her all the time --you know the WHAT IFs,,,I have to say that God has blessed me with the most WONDERFUL Son anyone could ever hope for..he is now 22 and the complete love of my life.. I know all things happen for a reason, and I know my little girl is in Gods hands. But I do know how you are feeling. And as POOHANDWENDY mentioned.... I to was made to feel like I shouldn"t talk about it,,YOU CAN/WILL have more. NOT the thing ya need to hear then..Thanks for this thread, God Bless you!!!

 

[jacksonsmom]

Hugs to you all!

I got pregnant after 3 years of trying. I was able to conceive with the help of feritily drugs.
When we found out I was pregnant, we were so excited! We started talking to "her" (I believe it was a her) right then & there. Told her every night that we love her & can't wait to see her.
We were on Cloud 9 that I finally got pregnant!

Then....around 10 weeks I went in for an U/S....found out the baby stopped growing.
I was crushed beyond crushed.
The days all seemed fuzzy after that.
It was a very dark period in my life.

I loved that baby the very moment it was conceived!

Thankfully about three months later I got back on fertitly drugs & amazingly I got pregnant that very month!!!
I was able to carry that one to full term (with the help of some more drugs)
I do think about my first baby every now & then..just what she would be like

But like others have said if she would have went to full term, I would not have my wonderful son & I can not picture my life without him.

I believe my first baby is watching over us.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

Said that when she brought her into the hospital she was already gone. The Dr looked at her and said "You starved her". The baby had never thrived and was about 3mths old when she died. The cause of death was pneumonia but the coroner called my parents after the autopsy and told them the real problem. She had a heart defect referred to as a hole in the heart. Due to medical advances this is not usually fatal now.

Wow. That is awful. I am so glad that the coroner was able to let her know the truth. I can only imagine the guilt she would've carried otherwise.

I do believe it was very much a "not talked about" thing years ago. After we lost Gabrielle, my FIL told my husband that he and Brad's mom had lost a baby when she was 4 months along. DH never knew that. FIL said they never got to see the baby or anything....it was just "disposed" of.

Having a pregnancy following our loss was very stressful. Every little pain, cramp, lack of movement had me in a panic. When I was in labor, the nurse came in to readjust the fetal heart monitor and she was not being able to find the heartbeat to place it. DH started shaking and I began feeling panicky and my heart was racing. Finally, she brought in another nurse who found the heartbeat. I don't think the nurses understood why we were feeling panicky like we were.

Hugs to all of you.

 

[Griggle]

{Hugs} to everyone

Timing of this is so very odd, my heart actually skipped a beat reading the post title - Today would have been my son Connor's 10th birthday, instead we lost him shortly after his birth and on Mother's day, I'll silently commemorate the 10th anniversary of his passing.

Connor was followed by twin sons that I delivered at 26 weeks. Both those little guys fought, but lost their battle together two days after they were born.

DS8 and DS2 have since followed . They are everything in the world to me - went through a lot to get them to term, but we did.

I look back at the losses - and reflect on the gains and even after all these years, there are still nights that I go to sleep crying. But, there are so many more that I go to bed laughing with DH at some of the recaps of the day with the kids.

I absolutely believe that there is a reason for everything. I equate life to a connect the dot puzzle - you have to go through each point to make the picture. And, while I might not see it now because my picture isn't done - I know that all my guys, however short they were physically with me - were here for a reason. I had to go through them and have them and their lost be a part of me, to get where I am today. As a wife, a mother, a person. And my sons - I'm raising them so that their purpose for being here is fulfilled.

No matter how short, or long, they are with us, each and every one is a blessing. And, ultimately, a reason to smile.

 

[GIGGLES266]

We lost one of our identical twins-Matt-to SIDS when he was 3.5 months old. His surviving twin-Will-is now 17. I don't think you ever get over the pain Kristy, you just become more used to it. I look at Will and wonder if Matt's personality would have been similar and every milestone in Will's life is just a little sad for me because of the loss of Matt. I am comforted in the fact that I will see him again one day though.

 

[Kermit]

The baby I'm expecting now is due August 17. The one I lost was due August 15, 2002. That part has made this pregnancy a little harder. No one in my family talks about the one I lost. They all seem to think that Jacob "replaced" him. If I talk about it, they change the subject.

I also think about the baby I should have had and then feel guilty because I know it would be impossible to have both him and Jacob, since they would have been born 5 months apart. But even if I can't really have him, he's still missing. I wouldn't do anything to have my life any different than it is right now, but I will always miss that baby.

 

[tkyes]

s again to you all. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.



Tamie

 

[gail1771]

Hello everyone. Prayers to all for their loss.

It took me 9 years to have my daughter Emily. Years of infertility and treatments. Emily was born a premie and is now 7. I was almost 37 when I had Emily. I tried again when Emily was 6 months old. I finally conceived after many inseminations and the 5th In Vitreo try. I was 40 when I found out I was pregnant with Twins. I was so excited and yet so sick from the hormones being so high. I was so excitied to find out the sex of the twins to do their room. I found out at 16wks I was having a boy and a girl. We had their names in place. Ethan and Hannah. I watched them on the ultrasound and three dimensional ultrasound moving around all their finers and toes and 4 chambers of the heart. Everything looked great. Than at 19 weeks I had an ultrasound and they thought that another baby was hiding to make it three. So for an entire weekend we thought we were having triplets. We were scheduled for a special ultrasound 4 days later. The night before I had some mild cramping and did not feel so well. The next morning the entire family including my daugter who was almost 4 came along to see the special ultrasound. Everyone was in the waitting room except for myself and my husband. The ultrasound teck was doing the test and left the room after she looked at Ethan to get our OB without saying a word. Our OBGYN came in to tell us that it was not triplets but a shadow and our little girl had passed away within hours. We were so shocked. The heartbeats 4 days prior were 147 and 149. Everything looked fine. there was no answer to why. No closeure. I carried both twins till 35 weeks and had a c section. I did not get to see our daughter Hannah as she was not all together and they felt it would be better not to. Before 20 weeks the fetus gets re abosrbed but since I was on the 20 week mark it did not happen that way. Our son Ethan at 35 weeks was born at 7.15oz. It was a bitter sweet moment. I kept saying "she should be here". I felt that Ethan felt her loss. They were both facing up side by side in utero. Both Frank Breech. It was so very very hard on all of us. Emily had such a hard time. We did not tell our daughter till I was 4 months along I figured I was in the safe zone. It will be 3 years on June 7th that Ethan was born and I still feel the pain. We talked about a third child but it will not replace the child we lost. I was also so afraid to go through this again and after all the years of struggle to have children I felt that god was good to us to have two children that it was time to move on. It was very hard at first to move on. There is a hole in my heart that will never close for the child we lost.
I pray for all of you that have gone through a loss and send pixie dust your way.
I also have known people through the years who have had losses and I feel their pain.
Gail

 

[Jenn Lynn]

This is a subject that has really been on my mind lately. Most people know that I miscarried last year, and it started on my Birthday. What I didn't realize was how hard it would be. I didn't even begin to grieve until January. Ane then I was in a major state of depression. I was crying all the time, didn't feel like doing anything, etc. The baby would have been due in February. February came and I was "fine."

We were trying to get PG again, but frankly, the stress of it is more than I can handle. The week of ovulation I am stressed. The week before my period I am stressed. The wait is so awful for me that I had to tell DH that we needed to stop "really" trying. And that now, I don't even know if I want another baby. I feel like my life is on hold and everything is revolving around if I "might" get PG. Like, if I get PG this month then I will be due at Christmas so we can't travel. It consumes me.

The difference for me when I was PG before and now is that last June I had just weaned DD from breastfeeding, she was not potty trained, etc. Now she is a little more independent and I am LOVING it! I feel like I have a freedom of sorts. And when I think about BF a baby for another 2 years I am NOT looking forward to it and that's not the way I want to feel with a new baby. I loved BF DD and that's the way it should be, not resentment.

I have not totally closed my mind of to the possibility of another baby. I told DH I just needed to "be" for awhile. Move on with life. Right now I am happy with just having Avery. And DH says if that is the final decision then he is fine with it too, which was HUGE for me.

I'm sure my family thinks I am going to change my mind, but I am not so sure. We will just have to wait and see.

(Just watch-in a couple of months I will come here and tell everyone I am PG. )

 

[Desnik]

All these stories are making me cry!! My heart goes out to all who have experienced a loss.

I had a misscarriage at 7 weeks.(about 2 yrs. ago) My DD was almost 5yo and I thought I had waited the right amount of time to try for another. I had the house, the money, the perfect nursery, the timing was perfect and so on. We tried for 2 months and found out in the beginning of Dec. we were pregnant. We were so happy. We told everyone. It is amazing but the minute you find out you are pregnant you are planning the next 18+ years of your life! You are immediately a mommy, protective and in love with this little life inside of you. I woke up one night with bad cramping. I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding. At that moment it was like time stopped for me. I felt a cold sweat come over me, felt faint and just screamed for DH. I knew something was terribly wrong. The thing is that day we had a Dr. appt. and were told everything looked great. Well the next day I had an emergency trans******l ultrasound. And there "she" was. Our little baby, with a perfect heartbeat. I was told the baby was fine, don't worry, some women bleed during pregnancy. Well, I bled more, had to go to the emergency room and was told I was having a miscarriage. Wait to "pass" the baby. It was the worst time of my life. I had to wait it out and I stayed at my moms house surrounded by my family. We didn't know what was going on or what to expect. It was terrible. I'll never forget going back for the ultrasound and there was no baby. I cry now just thinking about it. DH and I were devestated. DD was too. I can remember being curled up in a ball on the floor in the office, to be nursery, crying my eyes out. I will never forget or completely get over it. I was pregnant again 6 months later. I was a wreck the whole pregnancy. Always checking for blood. I started contracting early and was put on bed rest. DS was born at almost 35 weeks and was a good 6lbs. He ended up getting really sick for the first 10 months of his life. We were back and forth with him to the hospital, 3 different ones. He had every test imaginable. So many needles. I think back and wonder how we all got through all of it. He had severe reflux and a slight case of pyloric stenosis. He was labled "failure to thrive". He wasn't gaining any weight. He was 3 months old and only weighed 8lbs. He is now 14 months and is much better. He is 19lbs. Between the miscarriage and the problems with my son, it's enough to make me not want to have anymore children. I am 28yo and DH and I wanted to have 3 children. I just can't see myself taking a chance and having to go through either again. I don't think I could handle it. I feel blessed to have my DD and DS. I will always think of the baby we lost.
Thanks for listening!

 

[CEDmom]

My heart goes out to all of you for your loss.

As many of you know my DH and I have a beautiful DD who we adopted from China. Before we adopted her we went through several years of struggling with infertility. It was a very difficult time but one I was able to put behind me once DD came into our lives. We brought her home in early July 2000 and much to my great surprise by early October I was pregnant. Once we got over the shock DH and I were excited about adding to our family. We found out from an amnio that we were having a girl. DD would have a little sister. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. We lost our baby at 20 weeks.

DH and I were able to hold her and say goodbye. I wasn't sure about doing that at the time but I'm so glad I did. I had a very difficult time handling our loss. The combination of trying so long for a baby, finally adopting and then losing a baby took its toll on me. At times I thought I heard a baby crying when I was alone. Thankfully a wonderful friend who's also a minister counseled me and that really helped.

I tried for a long time to find a reason for our loss. I knew that if I could understand why we went through this that it would really help me. One day I realized that I now shared an experience with our older DD's birth mother. I gave birth and lost my baby but now she's in a wonderful place and is loved. Our older DD's birth mother gave birth and lost her baby but now she's in a wonderful place and is loved. At that moment I felt at peace with our loss and cherished even more the wonderful gift we had been given.

I still have days that I miss our younger DD and wonder what our lives would be like had she lived but it no longer haunts me.

I wish peace to all of you.

 

[s&k'smom]

I don't know what to say, this is one of the most powerful posts I've ever read. Though I didn't experience a loss I did bleed at six weeks with DD and remember thinking OMG I love this child so much already I don't know if I can handle this. Luckily she survived and is a healthy almost 3 year old. My sister had a miscarriage and it took her years to deal with it as she was nearly through her first trimester. My niece passed on at almost 7 (she was severely handicapped) but was such a part of our lives. It took me a long time to come to terms with it I can't even imagine how my sister did it. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I just keep thinking of all the angels we have now.

 

[piglet too]

's to all, as I know how hard it can be to share your story.

I lost my first baby to miscarriage at just over 7 weeks. Two days befoe I started bleeding, I had an u/s and saw the heartbeat. The doctor who preformed the u/s even commented on how strong and healthy the heartbeat was. I was away at school and even away from my boyfriend (now husband) and felt so alone. I will forever carry my memories of all that happened and will always greive for the baby we lost.

My SIL lost her second child one week before her due date. It too had the cord wrapped too tight. My middle son is 6 months older than the little girl would be if she had surrvivied. I know that my husband and I are the only ones who acknowlage (sp) my SIL's feelings as her childs birthday comes near.

 

[mickeyboat]

My heart goes out to all of you.

I had a miscarriage in an early pregnancy where I didn't even realize I was PG. I wasn't sure it was a miscarriage until years later.

I had an ectopic PG a year later. I was trying to be brave, but when they brought me in for my D & C and gave me some medicine to relax, I lost it and started bawling. The nurse was so kind to me. She covered me in warm blankets and told me it was o.k. to cry, to mourn for my loss. Two months later (no one knew about the PG), my SIL handed me her unused pregnancy tests and told me she wouldn't need them anymore. She was PG, and due two weeks after I would have been due. I was crushed. No one could understand why I was so upset. People don't understand how attached you become to your baby - so quickly.

I have two beautiful and healthy DD's now (after several more years of trying). But the pain from my losses is still there - more in the background, but still there. Thanks 6 time momma for giving all of an opportunity to share this with one another.

Denae

 

[mbb]

all of you...

Peace my friends...

 

[faithinkarma]

I was born over 50 years ago. One year after my birth my parents lost a daughter, a full term baby who died at birth. I have no details because those things were sledom discussed in those days. Five years later my mother had another girl. Then a boy, followed by a girl, within four years. Then a second boy who died at home at the age of one month. Once again, there is a space of five years, and then another daughter followed by the last one, a son.

I was an infant when the first loss occurred. It was not until I was an adult that I understood why my mother had so completely withdrawn from me. Why I had absolutely no connection with her whatsoever. And speaking with my sister who was the infant when the baby boy died, she lived the same experience. It was a very good thing to figure that out. Until that day I had believed the fault was in me. The scars remain, but at least I can move on.

I do not blame my mother at all. Who knows how I would react under the same circumstances? It is just so very sad that two of us grew up without a mother's love. She was a good mother to the others by the way.

My point is that these tragedies affect a circle of people, for very many years.