Teen daughter - vent

[DisneyJamieCA]

The DD was right down the street (and mom was fine with sending the son to after-care) and the pizza place was weekends only (tho’ I agree with you that likely would have changed) and this place is every day and 5miles away (I believe) so too far to walk/bike in icy CT winter. I mean hey, maybe it is mainly a control thing, but that goes both ways. Why is this the ONLY job the daughter wants? Why can’t she be more flexible? She was in multiple school activities until recently, so she was seeing friends there.

DD was 1 mile. The daycare is 2. One she’d be allowed to bike to in the winter. One she wouldn’t. Either she can do come summer. So what changes then? How are these situations really any different from each other?

And again, in the OP she said transportation was the only issue with the daycare job. The daughter figured out a solution to that. Now it’s just a straight no?

You keep acting like the daughter is the only inflexible one. But the OPs posts say differently. Unless there is something the OP isn’t telling us, there isn’t really a legitimate reason the DD can’t have the daycare job except they aren’t ready to give up their live in babysitter.

 

[AndreaA]

Is that how you live your life? Never have any dreams or wishes for what you want out of life, because other people are in bad situations? She's 17 for goodness sake!

It’s actually possible to have dreams and wishes and also realize the blessings one has and not be resentful over what is essentially trivial stuff. Obviously others disagree, but yes, I think that the desire to work a specific job at age 17 for mere MONTHS, is a trivial thing in the grand scheme of life, and no I don’t think 17 is too young to realize that. My kids are 12 and they appreciate that not every kids has an iPad, iPhone, etc., along with a caring family, comfortable home, etc.. They still wish we could go to WDW every year, but they don’t get sulky saying they ”wish they didn’t have a sibling” because then we’d have more money for vacations…

In fact, just last week one of them wanted to have a sleepover with a neighbor. Normally I’d have said it was fine, but we were going to be seeing relatives the next day, and I knew lack of sleep would make him a zombie. He pestered me about it a little bit, but then he came to me later and apologized because he could understand where I was coming from.

I mean maybe the OPs family has the suckiest communication skills ever, but I would hope that at age 17, the girl knows how hard her parents work, knows - to some extent - where the money goes, and has more sense than to wish her younger siblings gone simply so that she can spend more time with her friends, even in a fit of pique.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

It’s actually possible to have dreams and wishes and also realize the blessings one has and not be resentful over what is essentially trivial stuff. Obviously others disagree, but yes, I think that the desire to work a specific job at age 17 for mere MONTHS, is a trivial thing in the grand scheme of life, and no I don’t think 17 is too young to realize that. My kids are 12 and they appreciate that not every kids has an iPad, iPhone, etc., along with a caring family, comfortable home, etc.. They still wish we could go to WDW every year, but they don’t get sulky saying they ”wish they didn’t have a sibling” because then we’d have more money for vacations…

In fact, just last week one of them wanted to have a sleepover with a neighbor. Normally I’d have said it was fine, but we were going to be seeing relatives the next day, and I knew lack of sleep would make him a zombie. He pestered me about it a little bit, but then he came to me later and apologized because he could understand where I was coming from.

I mean maybe the OPs family has the suckiest communication skills ever, but I would hope that at age 17, the girl knows how hard her parents work, knows - to some extent - where the money goes, and has more sense than to wish her younger siblings gone simply so that she can spend more time with her friends, even in a fit of pique.

But you’d be willing to possibly push your daughter away over a “trivial” thing? These streets go both ways. It is not all on the daughter. And the mom (or parents) are the ones with the moving goal posts.

I highly doubt she wishes she didn’t have siblings because it would mean more money for her. More likely it’s because she wouldn’t have the adult responsibility put on her when she’s a CHILD.

 

[AndreaA]

DD was 1 mile. The daycare is 2. One she’d be allowed to bike to in the winter. One she wouldn’t. Either she can do come summer. So what changes then? How are these situations really any different from each other?

And again, in the OP she said transportation was the only issue with the daycare job. The daughter figured out a solution to that. Now it’s just a straight no?

You keep acting like the daughter is the only inflexible one. But the OPs posts say differently. Unless there is something the OP isn’t telling us, there isn’t really a legitimate reason the DD can’t have the daycare job except they aren’t ready to give up their live in babysitter.

The DD had a sidewalk running to it, the daycare doesn’t. However, even if the only reason is to keep her available to babysit (for a whole half hour 3x a week) that would be good enough for me. I don’t think the OP gave birth to her thinking, “Yay! We’ll have a live-in babysitter in 17 years!“ and I have no problem with her wanting her daughter watch a sibling rather than get a job outside the home. Saves the parents money. Saves the parents time picking the kid up from wherever. Obviously people disagree, but I don’t see it as some horrible parental flaw to want things to run smoother and easier for the adults. No doubt countless sacrifices have been made for the teenager in the past and will be again in the future. Is it really so much to want a little familial generosity?

Others have given multiple instances of them being required to help out to a much larger extent than this girl. I’m sure that many farm families are still living with the kids doing considerable work to help the parents. In families without money, I’m certain that older kids are watching siblings a LOT more than this girl. So sorry, but I’m not going to condemn the OP as some control-freak “no more wire hangers” mommy.

But you’d be willing to possibly push your daughter away over a “trivial” thing? These streets go both ways. It is not all on the daughter. And the mom (or parents) are the ones with the moving goal posts.

I highly doubt she wishes she didn’t have siblings because it would mean more money for her. More likely it’s because she wouldn’t have the adult responsibility put on her when she’s a CHILD.

I would certainly hope that it wouldn’t push her away, because that would mean I’d done something seriously wrong earlier in her life that led to her not being capable of feeling more empathy for others and appreciation for her own life. Sounds like yes the mother has moved the goal posts - in multiple ways, including telling the girl she can work there in the spring (as opposed to waiting until summer) and telling her that she can get any other job that doesn’t require transportation from parents of friends.

 

[AndreaA]

Duplicate

 

[fortwildernessishome]

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[robinb]

It’s actually possible to have dreams and wishes and also realize the blessings one has and not be resentful over what is essentially trivial stuff. Obviously others disagree, but yes, I think that the desire to work a specific job at age 17 for mere MONTHS, is a trivial thing in the grand scheme of life, and no I don’t think 17 is too young to realize that. My kids are 12 and they appreciate that not every kids has an iPad, iPhone, etc., along with a caring family, comfortable home, etc.. They still wish we could go to WDW every year, but they don’t get sulky saying they ”wish they didn’t have a sibling” because then we’d have more money for vacations…

In fact, just last week one of them wanted to have a sleepover with a neighbor. Normally I’d have said it was fine, but we were going to be seeing relatives the next day, and I knew lack of sleep would make him a zombie. He pestered me about it a little bit, but then he came to me later and apologized because he could understand where I was coming from.

I mean maybe the OPs family has the suckiest communication skills ever, but I would hope that at age 17, the girl knows how hard her parents work, knows - to some extent - where the money goes, and has more sense than to wish her younger siblings gone simply so that she can spend more time with her friends, even in a fit of pique.

Wait. Your kids are 12? Not even teens yet? Let’s talk again 10 years from now about how kids act when they’re in high school .

 

[Southernmiss]

Wait. Your kids are 12? Not even teens yet? Let’s talk again 10 years from now about how kids act when they’re in high school .

I've wondered that about a few posters in this thread.

Truly, many things I thought about parenting teens today changed when I actually had to do it.

Some older parents think things are still like they were 20 or more years ago, some go on their own experiences from years ago.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

In return she gets everything provided for her. Most of her friends work at a daycare after school and she wants to too. If she did that we would have to pay for DS7 to go to after school care.



She will start college (commuting to local state college) in Sept. Paid for by us. She will be driving a car paid for by us, insurance paid for. Once Sept comes we have told her she is free to get a job.

Sounds like yes the mother has moved the goal posts - in multiple ways, including telling the girl she can work there in the spring (as opposed to waiting until summer) and telling her that she can get any other job that doesn’t require transportation from parents of friends.

This thread isnt even 12 hours old, did the OP already change her mind from what she first said that she didnt want to pay for the seven year old to go to daycare and that the 17 year old could get a job in Sept.??

Has the OP said that her daughter can get ANY job that doesn't require transportation (in cold snowy CT, with no sidewalks, not sure where that job would be! Ha!) and that she can work at the daycare come Spring?

I must have missed that update, but what a great Dis Miracle!

 

[AndreaA]

Wait. Your kids are 12? Not even teens yet? Let’s talk again 10 years from now about how kids act when they’re in high school .

Ah, the ad hominem attack…. Shockingly, many people actually stick to their ideals rather than caving at the first sign of a problem. That’s why my kids still have zero social media, don’t play violent video games, etc., etc., and I know many other parents in the same situation. What’s more interesting is that my kids would be the first ones to tell you that they are GLAD about that and point to kids at school who have issues with various things we’ve limited their access to, or other larger issues. I guess the important thing is to discuss things in a rational way from a young age. I mean what really has changed that makes it a horrible thing to suggest that a teenager watching her siblings instead of getting a job is fine? Nothing good, that’s what.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This scenario in the OP has never been about pitching in and being a team player. Or about bratty teens or about she wants a job but only the job she wants. The repercussions like stress for the teen, the relationship between the parents and the teen, etc can all be fall out.

It's really just 1 thing and 1 thing only=childcare. All of this is around childcare. When childcare isn't an issue suddenly the 17 year old is freer. But since it's still an issue the 17 year old bears the brunt of it. This isn't about babysitting every now and then, or hey tonight you can't see your friends I need you home. It's about needing to conform to the availability of the parents schedule so that when they are unavailable the teen can step in.

No matter what "side" you're on I feel like this is fairly obvious. Some of us find the situation the daughter is in to be worse than others. But it all seems to come back to childcare.

I think the entire conversation would have been different if at the heart of it there wasn't this issue of who watches the 7 year old during this time and picks them up 3 times per week and then the 4 year old. If that wasn't around then it could be a discussion around reasonable options for a job including hours and transportation. But it's not really about all that. It's about who will take care of the siblings and right now the OP says it's the responsibility of the teen to be responsible for the kids her parents had.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We don't know the teen but I def. wouldn't slam the teen if she felt like it was damaging the relationship between her and her parents all of this stuff, to me that's incredibly offensive to cast aside someone's feelings like that and make it like they are somehow wrong for feeling this stuff and it's their fault for doing it and they merely lack appreciation for the life they've had. Really hoped we would have learned to take this stuff more seriously these days.

 

[dreamer17555]

To those with younger kids who cannot imagine growing apart from their children- a handful of those we know who are in college choose not to go home for Christmas. They were wanted, money wasn’t an issue, but they choose not to be there. This possibility seems impossible till you watch it happen, watch it even happen to families that were amazingly close and then poof- those students made other plans. For myself I have a soon to be 20 yo. I can see the sand so to speak falling through the hourglass before home might not be her first excited thought on breaks. I suggest doing what you can within reason to keep that sand slipping as slow as possible.

Do what is in your power to make home feel like the safest place to be, the place she knows she is heard, and loved.


A job with friends, why not? and let her figure out transportation etc, believe she is capable. She’s got this!

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

Ah, the ad hominem attack…. Shockingly, many people actually stick to their ideals rather than caving at the first sign of a problem. That’s why my kids still have zero social media, don’t play violent video games, etc., etc., and I know many other parents in the same situation. What’s more interesting is that my kids would be the first ones to tell you that they are GLAD about that and point to kids at school who have issues with various things we’ve limited their access to, or other larger issues. I guess the important thing is to discuss things in a rational way from a young age. I mean what really has changed that makes it a horrible thing to suggest that a teenager watching her siblings instead of getting a job is fine? Nothing good, that’s what.

It’s not an attack. It’s reality. Parenting a 12 year old, no matter how you do it, is much different than parenting a 17 year old. That’s just a fact. A 12 year isn’t getting ready to embark on adulthood.

And yes, your kids might be fine, even happy, not having social media at 12. Mine were too. That you think that’ll be the case at 17 is comical.

 

[starry_solo]

OP, I don't think you are a terrible parent.

But, let your DD17 get a job. Get daycare/aftercare for the 7 and 4 year old. DD17 doesn't want the responsibility of caring for her siblings and it shouldn't be pushed on her.
Don't pick up extra shifts at work that you're apparently doing to save money for a car for DD. Don't buy DD a car.

I have never thought that getting a car is something that parents have to provide. I had access to my mom's car when I was working; if I didn't, well, I either walked (one time it was walking 5 miles to the job and getting picked up by the parents afterwards but that was because I wrecked my mom's car driving it...oops). Heck, I didn't even own my own car until I was in my 20s. Same thing with college. Parents are not required to pay for college or any other education after the child reaches the age of majority.

Sometimes you have to let kids grow up, do what they want to do within reason and that's legal, and let them make their own mistakes.

 

[monsterkitty]

This thread really bothers me. We only know what the OP has told us, and we aren't hearing from the daughter. There may not be a right or wrong answer here, only a compromise agreed on by both the parents and the daughter. Both sides have to be willing to be open and communicate clearly without accusing or guilting. It would probably be a great idea to have a mediator, maybe trusted adult friend or family member who lives outside the house.

If you can't have a conversation without extreme emotions, it may be better for both the parents and your daughter to make a list of concerns or grievances of the current situation plus one a pros and cons of her getting a job. I suggested this to several students and parents over the years when they couldn't come to a consensus. I also suggested a contract - if I get to do this, I will do this. Or, if I allow you to do this, you need to do this.

OP, on the subjects of grades and car insurance, can you make a deal with your daughter? It sounds like you aren't happy with her grades. Propose that you will pay her insurance as long as she keeps her grades up to an acceptable level. You know your daughter best, so you know what she is capable of achieving. Set the bar manageable so that it is obtainable without being overwhelming and defeating. If her grades slip, have her pay the insurance or a portion of it until the grades improve.

You stated you pay for her phone. If you want her to have the phone for safety reasons, then you pay for it. If it's only for social purposes, she pays for it. Since I don't know any parent who doesn't want their teen to have a phone for safety reasons it looks like you'll be paying that bill.

You suggested to your daughter that DD was hiring. She was concerned that the hours would be too early, and she didn't even know how to make coffee. First, many places aren't going to hire her for just weekends because they need workers every day. DD can't hire her for before-school work because of child labor laws. Most states won't let 17 and under work before 6 am during the school week so they won't even consider her for school mornings. After school, yes. Your daughter needs to understand also that just because she doesn't know how to make coffee doesn't mean she cannot learn. She needs to understand that any job she takes she going to have to be trained - even working at the daycare.

Both you, your DH and your daughter need to sit down and not only listen to each other, but truly hear what the other side is saying. Otherwise, there is only going to be even more resentment on both sides.

 

[robinb]

Ah, the ad hominem attack…. Shockingly, many people actually stick to their ideals rather than caving at the first sign of a problem. That’s why my kids still have zero social media, don’t play violent video games, etc., etc., and I know many other parents in the same situation. What’s more interesting is that my kids would be the first ones to tell you that they are GLAD about that and point to kids at school who have issues with various things we’ve limited their access to, or other larger issues. I guess the important thing is to discuss things in a rational way from a young age. I mean what really has changed that makes it a horrible thing to suggest that a teenager watching her siblings instead of getting a job is fine? Nothing good, that’s what.

No. Not an attack. Just an observation.

FTR, I was the same when my DD was 12. No violent movies or video games. No social media. Etc, etc, etc. She still gave me a run for my money in high school.

 

[amylevan]

So OP is tired, worn out from working in a demanding job in the medical field during a pandemic. Likely testy, tired, and done.

17DD is tasked with watching siblings for 1 day on break. Lazily does this from the couch. Is caught doing it from the couch and is probably a little embarrassed and possibly perturbed she was caught on video. Lashes out as only teenage drama queens can.

This is a recipe for an argument no matter who is right or wrong. Because teen. Things were likely said on both sides that were likely an exaggeration. “You don’t even pay me for this.” “I can’t even get a real job.” “We do so much for you and you’re ungrateful.”

It sounds like the OP and DD had a conversation about it later. But if not, and for anyone else reading this, walking away, getting some sleep, and then calmly sitting down and having a grown up conversation about things like money, budgeting, transportation, wants and needs and expectations is the only right thing to do here.

And obviously not venting on the disboards because wow.

 

[momz]

She’s almost an adult. Your job is to help her learn adult responsibilities. I think you are wrong to be controlling her decisions and relying on her to be a free babysitter. Let her be her own person. Let her make some mistakes and be there to help her clean it up. Controlling her and making her earn your love and support by requiring her to raise her siblings will damage your relationship with her. This is not going to end well and you will have a hard time transitioning your relationship with her as she becomes an adult.

 

[monsterkitty]

A few other thoughts about why your DD wants to work with her friends and not at the pizza place:

As all of her friends seem to work at the daycare, she may also be feeling like the odd person out. When they all get together and the others start talking about what's happening at work and she has no clue, she feels like a third wheel.

Also, in a few months your DD and her friends will be graduating from high school and most likely going different directions. Your DD may be feeling the anxiety of not being able to be with her friends after graduation and is feeling a bit of fear and anxiety of the unknown.

Senior year in high school isn't just stressful because of grades, the unknown of the future weighs a lot on a teen's mind.