Teen daughter - vent

[focusondisney]

In this current staffing climate, I doubt any healthcare place is going to be ok with an employee cutting back hours enough to make a significant difference at home.

Hospitals, just like every other workplace, have established practices for job placement & schedules. I work in a unionized urban hospital. Any job openings are posted, with hours per week or pay period, license, certifications & experience required. Anyone qualified can apply for posted positions. Jobs are filled according to the contact. Employees can & often do go from full time to part time or vice versa within their department. A pandemic doesn’t change that.

But the OP said she has voluntarily picked up extra shifts. She can stop that and her employer wouldn’t have to be OK with it.

 

[disneychrista]

She will never make enough to pay for car payments and insurance and any extras. And the main focus is for her to keep up her grades, she is still in HS after all,

I paid for my car, insurance and extras working part time in high school. I didn’t have the luxury of my parents buying me a car. If I wanted a car I had to pay for it. I also maintained a B average in college prep classes.

 

[sk!mom]

I paid for my car, insurance and extras working part time in high school. I didn’t have the luxury of my parents buying me a car. If I wanted a car I had to pay for it. I also maintained a B average in college prep classes.

And my DH worked his way through college. Paying as he went in the 80’s.

How long ago was your experience?

 

[disneychrista]

And my DH worked his way through college. Paying as he went in the 80’s.

How long ago was your experience?

Not that that really matters but the late 80’s. The end would be the same, if wanted a car, I had to pay for it.

My daughters have worked and paid for this schooling as well. In the 2010’s to current.

 

[White Cat]

Out if my 5 children, 1 is a CPA, 1 works in finance (should be making 6 figures a year from now),1 is graduating a year early from college and is deciding on a doctorate program (NYU? BU? GWU? NEU?). The others just started college. If your kids didn’t care about friends and socializing, that’s fine, but unusual.

They did have friends and socialize. I don’t think you read my posts or read in a way that suited you. They didn’t go to coffee shops after school. They were too busy with school activities and went to very demanding prep schools.

 

[White Cat]

As we all know different doesn't mean better so it is good that it worked for you.

Agreed

 

[White Cat]

Expand on your point please

From what I understand of the above several posts your way worked for your kids other ways worked well for several other posters kids. You said you would have been quite concerned if your kids didn't come home and you would have put a stop to it. Other posters seem to have grown up and are presently raising their kids to have more autonomy as well as acceptance towards their kids having other things they engage it be it hanging out with their friends without grave concern, certainly this was the way that was with my friends and I as well. Most of us had jobs anyhow. I think the point was the option to even do these whether one actually always engaged in stuff the option was available, as is there's not really much options going on for the OP's teen which is more what got brought up with the activities and hanging out with friends.

If the teen wanted to go to a coffee shop they could, maybe your kids don't or didn't and it sounds like you would have prohibited that but for most the option is part and parcel with autonomy and trusting of judgement. My point was if you trust your teen to take care of young children but are quite restricting elsewhere something else is going on. To characterize someone as lazy, entitled, whiny, etc but entrust them in the care of your own young children seems at odds. If you really thought that of someone you wouldn't think they should take care of your kids, hence the comment about making other arrangements of course these other options will cost a lot more than the present situation is even allowing for...

Too long to bother reading.

 

[White Cat]

My gosh, “thank goodness.” Really? Why are you being so judgmental about something so normal? It’s not like any of us said our kids were hanging out smoking weed after school.

Around here, coffee shops are like teenage girl happy hour in the afternoon.


Well, I feel for poor kid 5. Plus no one is questioning “your way.” You’re being extremely judgmental about any other way.



well, 4 out of 5 anyway.

How do you know if they are smoking weed or not?

 

[bsmcneil]

Honestly, this is just terrible parenting advice. If everyone took it then no kid would ever have family responsibilities, accountability for grades, or rules of any kind. Parents are there to parent, not be best supportive buddies. If the act of making a teen watch a sibling a few times a week (while saving to buy them a car and send them through college) is enough to make that teen abandon their family in the future, then there is something else wrong with the teen’s mindset, probably expectations set by a society which increasingly sees teenagers as on the one hand fully grown adults who should be allowed to make their own choices in everything, and on the other hand children with half-formed brains who shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, even if criminal.

It's not terrible parenting advice - you may dislike it; but it doesn't make it "terrible." Sight unseen and sound unheard, you talk about how someone must be a spoiled brat based on how their parent describes their situation. Referring to children as spoiled brats miiiiight be a version terrible parenting advice ). Healthy parenting looks different to different people but clarity around boundaries and respect for other people doesn't make it terrible advice (even if it makes you feel defensive).

 

[VandVsmama]

This thread has totally devolved into one of "I'm better at parenting than you."

 

[bsmcneil]

My dad used to threaten to send us to Boystown when we would commit the offense of not cleaning our rooms up to his standards. And that made us horrible children. Words like this matter and are never forgotten.

This right here. And, I'm aware of it - so I try to be conscious of it in my own parenting. Super reminds me of a scene in Mad Men where a parent learns not to hit their kids because his dad hit him and the effect it had.

 

[kymom99]

This thread has totally devolved into one of "I'm better at parenting than you."

I was trying real hard not to say something similar. My kids are great so I’m the better parent.
Everyone has different values, and that’s totally ok. I don’t see the OP as anything more than parent/teen struggles. Perfectly normal if you ask me. This family needs to find a middle ground for the sake of family harmony. This young lady will still be living in the home for the foreseeable future. Hopefully after the daughter asserts her independence and tries her wings, she and her parents will have a wonderful, adult relationship.

 

[disykat]

She will never make enough to pay for car payments and insurance and any extras. And the main focus is for her to keep up her grades, she is still in HS after all, and not worry about being able to keep a car, just so she can get to her job to pay for her car. Some of you go too far and that is what pushes your kids out. Some of you make it out to be "hardly doing anything" when it comes to watching her siblings but if she doesn't watch her siblings, then she is now all of a sudden supposed to pay for a car and insurance to "make up for it"? You can't have it both ways, either she is hardly doing anything or she is contributing so much to the family that it is the equivalent of a car payment and insurance.

The reason the car payment keeps coming in to it is that the OP said she is watching the younger children the 20 minute time period three times a week because mom is working the extra hours to earn money specifically to buy daughter a car. That is why we are all suggesting it's logical that if she doesn't want to/can't watch the kids those times then mom can't work the extra, so just take the car off the table.

She is "hardly doing anything" IMO, if that little bit determines whether she has a vehicle purchased for her. Mom works more = vehicle. Mom works less or pays day care = not getting extra vehicle. (many of us are in agreement that the insurance to drive the family car is a separate issue.)

We not equating the 20 minutes of babysitting to a vehicle. The 20 minutes is what enables mom to work extra because dad gets home to watch the younger kids.

 

[sk!mom]

This thread has totally devolved into one of "I'm better at parenting than you."

And apparently hanging out in coffee shops is a metric.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That is why we are all suggesting it's logical that if she doesn't want to/can't watch the kids those times then mom can't work the extra, so just take the car off the table

Yeah but the time for all of this was like a year or two ago. You need time to save up money for a car especially right now.

That's why people are reacting the way they are. Whether you pay for your kid's car or not it's fine although yes that's an opinion that varies on parental obligation vs not and is a sorta of side conversation but you need to allow them the chance to succeed in doing so if you're going to make the decision to have them pay for it.

So when the PP said "She get a job then she pays her own car insurance and payments for her own car. She also stops getting any allowance and pays for all her own wants (not basic needs.)" it's the truth that by summer or fall whenever the OP decides to relinquish the control on this job part it's going to be unlikely she'll have enough money for a car which is why the next poster said "She will never make enough to pay for car payments and insurance and any extras". I mean the OP said in the beginning they weren't even going to let her get a job until September (which then turned into summer within a few hours) so you expect the teen to save up enough money for a car, insurance, and all of her wants with $40 allowance? And whatever she'll be making with the limited hours she's even allowed?

You gotta have honest conversation early enough about expenses and give the person a chance to meet your expectations (in this case paying for things like a car, car insurance, college, etc).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Too long to bother reading.

Glad I could bore you enough with a paragraph to the point where it's not worth responding

 

[Southernmiss]

I could be wrong, but what I've sensed is that the daughter is being treated as a much younger teen- more like middle to early high school than senior in high school.

Our kids were very autonomous by junior year and home was a place to eat, sleep, wash clothes and do late night homework. We knew their basic schedules and when to expect them home.

At junior year at the latest, we were transitioning to the student taking care of their personal needs and activities and us parents were in a much more advisory and guiding role and a listening ear when needed.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I paid for my car, insurance and extras working part time in high school. I didn’t have the luxury of my parents buying me a car. If I wanted a car I had to pay for it. I also maintained a B average in college prep classes.

I did too but it was a frank conversation had several years prior. I had saved thousands by the time I purchased a car when I was 17. I didn't have the luxury of my parents buying me a car or paying for my car insurance it was a flat out I can't afford to same for college. But my parents didn't block me from getting a job to earn the income I needed.

I understand that a car may not seem like a necessity and it sounds like temporarily it isn't if the teen can walk or bike some distance but all of that changes when it comes to a college and needing to go to class unless public transit is vast enough and plentiful enough (maybe it is in the OP's area).

Understand that for you and I and many others who paid their ways we were usually given the opportunities and time to do so. It makes all the difference in the conversation.

 

[disneychrista]

Understand that for you and I and many others who paid their ways we were usually given the opportunities and time to do so. It makes all the difference in the conversation.

It does make a difference. For me it wasn’t even a conversation, it was just the way it was.

If daughter wants a job, because her friend do but parents need daughter to babysit because they can’t afford daycare because they are saving for a car for her, to me the logical thing is pay for daycare and let the daughter get a job and use the money toward the car.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It does make a difference. For me it wasn’t even a conversation, it was just the way it was.

If daughter wants a job, because her friend do but parents need daughter to babysit because they can’t afford daycare because they are saving for a car for her, to me the logical thing is pay for daycare and let the daughter get a job and use the money toward the car.

And I would agree but it is very likely due to the shorten timeframe the OP will need to continue paying for things until such time that the daughter has realistically saved enough to take on these tasks. When you made your comment it was like a "cut her off" type comment but right now the daughter hasn't been given the opportunity to even contribute financially in a measurable way so expenses may still need to be paid for by the OP and their spouse for a time.

I'd also like to clarify to the bolded I don't believe the OP said they are trading off between buying the car (which they haven't even told the daughter about IIRC) and daycare. They told their daughter no to working before the car came into the picture because they needed the daughter to watch the siblings. I'm getting that information from the below:

"We have not let DD17 get a job yet because the two of us have worked all through Covid and she needs to help out by watching her siblings DS7 and DD4." and "Since we have told her no to working I am currently work extra shifts a few times a month in order to buy her a car.".

Maybe that aspect gotten forgotten or mixed up but this car thing was on the OP from the start but the daughter was already prohibited from getting a job. It's the very reason I've said you have to give them the opportunity to earn. You can't yank back paying for these things when you prohibited them in the first place. It's just really like what I said a few pages ago..it's all about the daycare. That's a conscious choice the OP and their spouse is making. They could have put the money they were earning from those extra shifts just towards daycare but they opted to shift it to a car but make the daughter still not have a job to earn money, still not have realistic job opportunities by shortening the available time, etc. Maybe it really is all about control to the OP and their spouse