Teen daughter - vent

[AndreaA]

I'm sure you're an excellent Mom and your husband an excellent Dad, but comments like these aren't helpful.

What is your husband saying exactly? Because your daughter wants to get an 5 day a week after school job at a daycare center and the fact that she has apparently gotten good enough grades throughout high school to get accepted to college, she should maybe join the Marines because, "she doesn't want to babysit her siblings".

I don't get it!

I think the point is that if the girl can’t do the bare minimum to help out the family, then she doesn’t deserve the full-ride college/car/housing/clothing/etc as she turns 18. I think people don’t realize that there are many, many, MANY kids out there who don’t have supportive families AT ALL. This girl is upset because she can’t get the exact job she wants, while some kids are out there with broken families, no money, truly abusive situations, etc.. I’m sure plenty would swap places with her in a hot minute.

 

[AndreaA]

Real nice, the bolded is pretty dismissive of the work daycare workers do.

It's also pretty dismissive of a 17 year old who actually wants to go out and get a job and earn her own money. You know money that could would contribute to all that the OP provides for her.

Not dismissive of childcare workers, dismissive of teen childcare helpers, whom I am SURE are describing the job just like that.

 

[dreamer17555]

Honestly, this is just terrible parenting advice. If everyone took it then no kid would ever have family responsibilities, accountability for grades, or rules of any kind. Parents are there to parent, not be best supportive buddies. If the act of making a teen watch a sibling a few times a week (while saving to buy them a car and send them through college) is enough to make that teen abandon their family in the future, then there is something else wrong with the teen’s mindset, probably expectations set by a society which increasingly sees teenagers as on the one hand fully grown adults who should be allowed to make their own choices in everything, and on the other hand children with half-formed brains who shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, even if criminal.

Well I parented both of mine to like this- my oldest is in college with a full ride, still getting straight A’s and went to a residential arts high school where she had to work exceptionally hard at a very young age. My youngest is autistic fantastically fabulously made and is wonderfully kind compassionate fantastic human being who chooses to help out just because that’s the right thing to do in the morning he does chores before even being asked.

But maybe don’t save for college let them take the federal student loan out in their name it’s not going to kill them it’s OK. Maybe let them make a few mistakes, they learn that way (small mistakes not injecting drugs into their eyeballs). Taking this job is probably not going to be the huge problem and if it is she can probably figure it out. If she gets behind on schoolwork she knows the expectation that she has to catch up to go to college. If the job doesn’t work out and it’s not going to be terrible. Kids only learn how to be resilient by occasionally falling and fixing things.

 

[Sinder]

Honestly, this is just terrible parenting advice. If everyone took it then no kid would ever have family responsibilities, accountability for grades, or rules of any kind. Parents are there to parent, not be best supportive buddies. If the act of making a teen watch a sibling a few times a week (while saving to buy them a car and send them through college) is enough to make that teen abandon their family in the future, then there is something else wrong with the teen’s mindset, probably expectations set by a society which increasingly sees teenagers as on the one hand fully grown adults who should be allowed to make their own choices in everything, and on the other hand children with half-formed brains who shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, even if criminal.

You are missing the fact that it's more than that and it has the potential to cause resentment.
It's not just asking the dd to watch her siblings when she has time, it's the expecting her to not pursue her own job in order to do it.

I pretty much disagree with you, my kid's had plenty of responsibilities, rules, expectations and sacrifices they had to make growing up. They were also respected enough to be allowed to make their own decisions regarding their path, especially at the age of 17. My job as a parent was to prepare them for the world, not raise them to be obligated to serve me.

 

[sam_gordon]

I think the point is that if the girl can’t do the bare minimum to help out the family, then she doesn’t deserve the full-ride college/car/housing/clothing/etc as she turns 18. I think people don’t realize that there are many, many, MANY kids out there who don’t have supportive families AT ALL. This girl is upset because she can’t get the exact job she wants, while some kids are out there with broken families, no money, truly abusive situations, etc.. I’m sure plenty would swap places with her in a hot minute.

Sorry, I hate this statement. Do you want the OP to tell the daughter that? "You should be happy we're paying for all these things. You shouldn't worry about a job. There are kids who would LOVE to be in your shoes!"

I'm sure it's true, but I don't think the daughter's thinking is that far out there. The daughter may be thinking "they don't want me to get a job because I'll be around to babysit", not that the parents are thinking about transportation and grades. IMO, blocking the job hunt in order to have an on demand sitter is not a good argument. Again, that may not be what the OP is doing, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's how the daughter sees it.

 

[Sinder]

Not dismissive of childcare workers, dismissive of teen childcare helpers, whom I am SURE are describing the job just like that.

LOL, OK
My friend was a teen childcare "helper" and put herself through college.
She's an elementary teacher now, I'm sure she'd disagree with your oh so SURE assessment of the job.

 

[Planogirl]

A kid being resentful can push her to clinging to that one job idea. I still think that communication is key in situations like these.

 

[AndreaA]

You are missing the fact that it's more than that and it has the potential to cause resentment.
It's not just asking the dd to watch her siblings when she has time, it's the expecting her to not pursue her own job in order to do it.

I pretty much disagree with you, my kid's had plenty of responsibilities, rules, expectations and sacrifices they had to make growing up. They were also respected enough to be allowed to make their own decisions regarding their path, especially at the age of 17. My job as a parent was to prepare them or the world, not raise them to be obligated to serve me.

I think it’s just telling that this ONE job is the only one she cares about pursuing. No, I don’t blame her for wanting to work with her friends. However I don’t think that desire should come before responsibility to her family - which is, quite frankly, pretty minimal responsibility. Again, if she really wants this freedom, individuality, money, etc., she could get another job. Heck, she could have had one in the fall (and probably already have a car, and be able to take the daycare job) but she didn’t want to have to work in the morning. I mean c’mon.

 

[sam_gordon]

I think it’s just telling that this ONE job is the only one she cares about pursuing. No, I don’t blame her for wanting to work with her friends. However I don’t think that desire should come before responsibility to her family - which is, quite frankly, pretty minimal responsibility. Again, if she really wants this freedom, individuality, money, etc., she could get another job. Heck, she could have had one in the fall (and probably already have a car, and be able to take the daycare job) but she didn’t want to have to work in the morning. I mean c’mon.

So you've applied for jobs you didn't want? If a teen doesn't want to work at a certain place, what's wrong with that. But they then can't complain they don't have money, don't see their friends, or whatever benefit they get from having a job. The issue is the parent saying "you can work here but you can't work there".

 

[AndreaA]

LOL, OK
My friend was a teen childcare "helper" and put herself through college.
She's an elementary teacher now, I'm sure she'd disagree with your oh so SURE assessment of the job.

Really? You think this girl wants that job because her friends are telling her that they deal with screaming toddlers, clean up poop, pee, and spit-up, etc., etc., etc.? I mean maybe they are dealing with some of those things, but I’m sure it’s the Lead Teachers doing the heavy lifting, and the teen girls are there to supplement. Heck, I have seen such jobs advertised that way in local FB pages. “Come have fun with kids!”

 

[AndreaA]

So you've applied for jobs you didn't want? If a teen doesn't want to work at a certain place, what's wrong with that. But they then can't complain they don't have money, don't see their friends, or whatever benefit they get from having a job. The issue is the parent saying "you can work here but you can't work there".

Except the parent isn’t saying she can’t work there, she’s saying she can’t work there UNTIL SPRING. As in, literally months from now.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

Honestly, this is just terrible parenting advice. If everyone took it then no kid would ever have family responsibilities, accountability for grades, or rules of any kind. Parents are there to parent, not be best supportive buddies. If the act of making a teen watch a sibling a few times a week (while saving to buy them a car and send them through college) is enough to make that teen abandon their family in the future, then there is something else wrong with the teen’s mindset, probably expectations set by a society which increasingly sees teenagers as on the one hand fully grown adults who should be allowed to make their own choices in everything, and on the other hand children with half-formed brains who shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, even if criminal.

No it’s not terrible parenting advice. Just because you disagree with it doesn’t make it bad. Some of us have raised successful children using it. Nobody has disagreed with children having responsibilities within their family/household. We’ve disagreed on what they should be and what this particular mother has shared she’s putting on her daughter. All while stopping her from getting a job she has figured out solutions for. As a matter of fact the OP said the reason the job wouldn’t work was transportation. DD figured it out and it still a no. That has very little to do with the job and everything to do with control and that it makes the mom’s life inconvenient. Why does suddenly everything change come summer if the daughter is still living at home?

And yes, I have seen plenty of oldest children disassociate with their families as adults after being treated as the 3rd parent. Do they all? No. But it’s not as far fetched as you want to make it seem.

 

[TwoMisfits]

On the friends' point...

If parents are dual full time workers who work many weekends so there's only one car available, which the other parent likely needs to keep b/c of the 2 little kids...

Is this daughter actually physically ever seeing her friends? Maybe she has been so stuck in with Covid and extra parental shifts at work and the schooling/activities mess of the last 2 years that she just wants to spend time with her friends for the last semester before going to college, and it's not even about "the job", but the ability to have "grown up teen time" for 12-15 hours/week - the depression discussion earlier informs my thoughts, although she may be less clinically depressed and more age-appropriately sad and lonely...

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I think it’s just telling that this ONE job is the only one she cares about pursuing. No, I don’t blame her for wanting to work with her friends. However I don’t think that desire should come before responsibility to her family - which is, quite frankly, pretty minimal responsibility. Again, if she really wants this freedom, individuality, money, etc., she could get another job. Heck, she could have had one in the fall (and probably already have a car, and be able to take the daycare job) but she didn’t want to have to work in the morning. I mean c’mon.

Why is this ONE the job her mom is so against? What makes Dunkin’ or the pizza place any better? You really think either of those places is going to allow weekends only? It’s a control thing for her mom at this point.

 

[Sinder]

I think it’s just telling that this ONE job is the only one she cares about pursuing. No, I don’t blame her for wanting to work with her friends. However I don’t think that desire should come before responsibility to her family - which is, quite frankly, pretty minimal responsibility. Again, if she really wants this freedom, individuality, money, etc., she could get another job. Heck, she could have had one in the fall (and probably already have a car, and be able to take the daycare job) but she didn’t want to have to work in the morning. I mean c’mon.

Her siblings aren't her responsibility they are her parents. It's their job to find childcare for them and I think forcing their 17 child to do it is wrong.
If it was minimal then the parents wouldn't have an issue letting their 17 year old get the job she wants and they can find a different babysitter

 

[AndreaA]

Why is this ONE the job her mom is so against? What makes Dunkin’ or the pizza place any better? You really think either of those places is going to allow weekends only? It’s a control thing for her mom at this point.

The DD was right down the street (and mom was fine with sending the son to after-care) and the pizza place was weekends only (tho’ I agree with you that likely would have changed) and this place is every day and 5miles away (I believe) so too far to walk/bike in icy CT winter. I mean hey, maybe it is mainly a control thing, but that goes both ways. Why is this the ONLY job the daughter wants? Why can’t she be more flexible? She was in multiple school activities until recently, so she was seeing friends there.

 

[Southernmiss]

Does the daughter know how much $ is in this car fund and when a new deposit is made? Or is this just an idea that the parents have?

Does the daughter know the cost of her auto insurance?

Our 4 worked through high school and college. Their jobs never could cover all of their expenses.

We were and are glad to pay them.

But, we do have conversations of how much these things cost. Never demanding money or making them feel bad, but just realistically saying. I paid the cell phone bill today it was xx for our yy phones.'

The 6 month auto insurance was due today 'Joe, the insurance on your car was zzz. Jim, yours was qqq.' We got discounts because everyone drove safely and we had no accidents.

Sometimes, we just expect our kids to 'know things' without teaching them the things.

 

[Southernmiss]

The DD was right down the street (and mom was fine with sending the son to after-care) and the pizza place was weekends only (tho’ I agree with you that likely would have changed) and this place is every day and 5miles away (I believe) so too far to walk/bike in icy CT winter. I mean hey, maybe it is mainly a control thing, but that goes both ways. Why is this the ONLY job the daughter wants? Why can’t she be more flexible? She was in multiple school activities until recently, so she was seeing friends there.

And maybe because she's not in the school clubs, she's not seeing friends and the daycare job is her way to see them.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I think the point is that if the girl can’t do the bare minimum to help out the family, then she doesn’t deserve the full-ride college/car/housing/clothing/etc as she turns 18. I think people don’t realize that there are many, many, MANY kids out there who don’t have supportive families AT ALL. This girl is upset because she can’t get the exact job she wants, while some kids are out there with broken families, no money, truly abusive situations, etc.. I’m sure plenty would swap places with her in a hot minute.

I know what the point was with the "join the Marines" comment and I found it unnecessary.

You are stating a lot of things as facts, that we have no idea about!

The "bare minumum to help out"??? Seriously??

Doesn't "deserve the full ride". Who's to say any kid deserves it or not! She shouldnt be villified because of her parents choices of what they choose to do for her.

I am positve that EVERYBODY does indeed realize that there are MANY kids who don't have supportive families!

So what are you saying? Because there are kids out there with "broken families, no money and abusive situations". She should put a smile on her face and NOT want the job that she wants?!?! Give me a break!

Is that how you live your life? Never have any dreams or wishes for what you want out of life, because other people are in bad situations? She's 17 for goodness sake!

 

[mjkacmom]

The DD was right down the street (and mom was fine with sending the son to after-care) and the pizza place was weekends only (tho’ I agree with you that likely would have changed) and this place is every day and 5miles away (I believe) so too far to walk/bike in icy CT winter. I mean hey, maybe it is mainly a control thing, but that goes both ways. Why is this the ONLY job the daughter wants? Why can’t she be more flexible? She was in multiple school activities until recently, so she was seeing friends there.

2 miles. ETA I had a pretty privileged life growing up, but at the very least I was expected to have a summer job in high school (even if my parents hooked me up with one).