Teen daughter - vent

[kymom99]

Some of y’all are crazy. Missing out on being a normal senior because she watches her sibling for 20 minutes 3 times/week??? Really? I’m starting to think this is where our entitled generation is coming from if people are this horrified that teens are asked to contribute to their household.

And I must be a horrible witch.

When I was a kid I had to come home in the afternoon from wherever I was playing to get the eggs so they wouldn’t spoil in the heat. This thread made me remember that. It was my responsibility. When I was in college I was told when my sister needed a babysitter so she could go to work. If I ever had a special thing to do, they would work something out, but we were just expected to help. I also had to arrange rides if I wanted to participate in activities since my mom did not drive. My dad would take his turn.

 

[jo-jo]

That’s great but you know there is a HUGE sub and teacher shortage in this country, I’m sure your daughter does a great job but districts are begging for subs. My BIL is a bus driver without a college degree, staff run out to him on a regular basis asking him to sub. Other professions can be a lot more competitive.

20 years ago my DH subbed HS chem class for 4 months. No teaching degree, but was a chemist for 25 years.

 

[Robbie Cottam]

My two cents:

Both of my kids worked out side of the home to pay for a car and insurance.
I paid for their phones, gas, and gave them money when they were short....

My GF pays an Au pair close to $550 dollars a week $200 to agency and $350 to the au pair) to watch her 3 kids before and after school. Mass au pair rules are horrible as far as pay goes.

Some where in the middle is how much you should be paying your oldest daughter less her car payment and insurance.....

In Massachusetts are and insurance was about 400 a month. 2015 Chevy Spark... It was new when the first one got it, and slight used when the second one got it.

At any rate. With out doing any math I'm thinking may somewhere closer to $80 or $100 dollars per week and she'll be happy...

The extra 40 or 60 dollar per week is still less than a nanny would cost you.
Shell be happy and you will still have your flexibility...

Just my two cents, and you spent more than that in time just reading my post.... good luck

 

[AndreaA]

When I was a kid I had to come home in the afternoon from wherever I was playing to get the eggs so they wouldn’t spoil in the heat. This thread made me remember that. It was my responsibility. When I was in college I was told when my sister needed a babysitter so she could go to work. If I ever had a special thing to do, they would work something out, but we were just expected to help. I also had to arrange rides if I wanted to participate in activities since my mom did not drive. My dad would take his turn.

I think the problem lies in the fact that some people had responsibilities, such as your own, and accepted them as necessary facts of life, and in the end, were also happy to help. Other people held onto the feeling that they were put-upon wretches and have let that resentment turn them into parents who think teens should rule the world…

 

[butterscotchcollins]

So? The daughter doesn’t want another profession… she wants to be a teacher.

I also think it’s silly to suggest that people don’t get hired because they didn’t have jobs in high school. I never had a job in high school until summer of my senior year. Went to college, and worked retail during the summers, then got a job at a highly respected mutual fund company and worked my way up the corporate ladder for 15yrs until I had my kids. Jobs in high school are overrated and I’ll be discouraging my kids from getting one - they have too many outside interests/activities to add employment on top of their ACTUAL job of getting good grades.

Weren’t you just lamenting teenagers’ entitlement? Pick a lane.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

Her daughter isn’t a victim either, and sounds like an entitled brat who only wants things one way, and one way only. If she really wanted a job for the money, she could get one. That’s not why she wants it, and her parents shouldn’t be responsible for essentially paying for her desire to socialize with her friends.

First, I never said her daughter was the victim. As a matter of fact, the post you quoted said if she wants to find a solution that works for ALL of them. But instead, she’s more interested in playing the victim.

And we have one side of the story. How can you call the daughter a spoiled brat when we don’t even know her side? Or her reasons for wanting that particular job? You are assuming a lot about a person who’s voice we haven’t heard.

 

[AndreaA]

Weren’t you just lamenting teenagers’ entitlement? Pick a lane.

I lament teenagers feeling entitled to do what THEY want all the time. It’s up to their parents. If parents want to be generous and pay for things while telling their kids to put the priority on school, then fine. If parents want to tell kids they need to pay for some things themselves - and get any job they can, not some choice position just for the socialization - then that’s fine too. In the OPs case, she has chosen (and is luckily able) to pay for a lot of the extras for her daughter, in exchange for some minimal help, for which she is paid. The daughter should be grateful, not annoyed that she can’t work a specific minimum wage job just so she gets to talk with her friends for a couple of hours.

Either way, those things like college, car, insurance, etc., are certainly NICE, and if parents can easily afford them, then yes, they should at least help, but that doesn’t mean that teens should automatically EXPECT them and not be appreciative. People were repeatedly saying that the OP wasn’t doing anything for her daughter beyond what her duty is as a parent, and I disagree. But then I also think the daughter has a duty to her parents, which is apparently unthinkable to some people. I mean Heaven forbid should anyone want to help their family during these crazy times…

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

the big issue here is that they resent each other and need to have a chat,

I do agree here. One however is a 17 year old the other is a parent. I can more easily understand a teen resenting their parent (sometimes it's just normal teen stuff other times it's not at all) but resenting a kid is harder for me to understand but there is something else going on. I don't actually believe it's all the teen that is bringing it out. Like I mentioned the OP seems stressed and burned out too and others have mentioned it as well.

Occasionally helping out watching your siblings seems pretty fine to me and I didn't see that as an issue but when the OP says multiple times that things are centered around just when the two other kids won't be needed to be watched and the daughter is suddenly free to make her own job choices when it's summertime and the kids will be in daycare it's clear the line between daughter and parent is no longer there. And just inserting the boundary line back in whenever it suits you (such as saying I'm the parent I don't want you to do this or that) just isn't fair either.

 

[prairie_girl]

I was counting the 3-20 minute sessions as the hour - I had forgotten that she also babysits 1 weekend hour per month, so sorry - she would get getting $100/hr to babysit, not the original $125 that I stated in your scenario. My apologies.

I guess I grew up in a different time because I was expected to babysit my younger sister a lot when I was growing up and I was never paid for it, even when it interfered with something that I wanted to do.

I’m the oldest of four and I used to watch them if my mom had to run out, or if they went out for an evening. I can’t even begin to imagine the reaction I’d get if I told them I wanted to be paid for it lol

 

[sam_gordon]

I don't feel like quoting, but my added thoughts...

Let DD figure out transportation to/from work. If you or DH are not available, she needs to figure it out. If her friends are sick or not working, that's on her. She's old enough to solve problems like that.

I don't think the OP is a bad parent, much less a horrible one. I just don't think she's being realistic and open minded however (ETA: according to the first post. It sounds like that's changed at least somewhat). Of course the child is going to want to work with friends. They get to socialize and make money. That's not a bad thing. I agree while she's just sitting at home, she should be responsible for picking up siblings. I personally don't have a problem with that. Watching the kids on the nanny cam seems a little strange to me, and maybe that's not what OP did, but that's what it sounded like in the first post.

I asked my 15yo DD to do something today and she rolled her eyes at me. She still did it. Kids being upset when parents have them do things is nothing new. I've also given my kids suggestions on where they could put in job applications. But after that it was on them. I'll probably never stop giving them advice (my parents never stopped). That doesn't mean they have to take the advice.

 

[pookybean]

My oldest kids had to watch the younger ones as some points in their lives. Im a single parent, Im only one person.... families help each other and sometimes its just what had to happen.

We moved when my middle was in 10th gr and the town we moved to had very limited options for after care so my daughter had to watch her, there wasnt any other choice. I did pay her for doing it (less than an aftercare would have cost) and we discussed it each year. She did end up getting a job her senior year in HS she started work around the same time I would get home so my youngest was alone for about a half hour while my dd walked to work.

Its understandable that your dd wants to work an outside job, but its also reasonable for you to ask her to keep her siblings when you need her to.

 

[dreamer17555]

Is the goal to have an adult child who wants to be around your family and her siblings? Because if so something needs to change.

She has a ride to the job- let her take it, let her deal with the parents, awkwardness, etc. I loved driving my daughter and her teen friends around maybe this family does too. And it’s an experienced driver with your concern about weather. Let her try it. Maybe it’s a huge mistake but let it be her mistake and if it is be there to comfort (not fix it) and let her figure out what to do next.

What happens in the next little bit will start setting up for her that she either has parents that will support her no matter what and have her back or parents that will hold her back. Very very soon she will be an adult and unless you want a relationship where everything is tied to money and holding purse strings over her head, she will be free to do as she pleases. Please make sure that what she wants to do is to be around you and your family.

 

[TippyThomas]

Some of you would be absolutely horrified to hear the amount of free work I was responsible for as a kid on our farm. Nothing mattered until the chores were done and usually several times a day.

 

[AndreaA]

Is the goal to have an adult child who wants to be around your family and her siblings? Because if so something needs to change.

Honestly, this is just terrible parenting advice. If everyone took it then no kid would ever have family responsibilities, accountability for grades, or rules of any kind. Parents are there to parent, not be best supportive buddies. If the act of making a teen watch a sibling a few times a week (while saving to buy them a car and send them through college) is enough to make that teen abandon their family in the future, then there is something else wrong with the teen’s mindset, probably expectations set by a society which increasingly sees teenagers as on the one hand fully grown adults who should be allowed to make their own choices in everything, and on the other hand children with half-formed brains who shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, even if criminal.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Didn’t get to go college and joined the Marine Corp to build a life for himself. His thoughts aren’t too far from mine however he probably leans a bit more towards if she doesn’t like it maybe she can join the Marines

I'm sure you're an excellent Mom and your husband an excellent Dad, but comments like these aren't helpful.

What is your husband saying exactly? Because your daughter wants to get an 5 day a week after school job at a daycare center and the fact that she has apparently gotten good enough grades throughout high school to get accepted to college, she should maybe join the Marines because, "she doesn't want to babysit her siblings".

I don't get it!

 

[PinkPixel]

When I was a kid I had to come home in the afternoon from wherever I was playing to get the eggs so they wouldn’t spoil in the heat. This thread made me remember that. It was my responsibility. When I was in college I was told when my sister needed a babysitter so she could go to work. If I ever had a special thing to do, they would work something out, but we were just expected to help. I also had to arrange rides if I wanted to participate in activities since my mom did not drive. My dad would take his turn.

OP said her and husband won’t let her get a job with rides she’s arranged.

 

[dreamer17555]

Some of you would be absolutely horrified to hear the amount of free work I was responsible for as a kid on our farm. Nothing mattered until the chores were done and usually several times a day.

My kids do chores, my oldest would watch her brother from time to time. I’m not opposed to teaching kids to help as members of a family but the OP’s DD is clearly crying out that she needs this opportunity.

I don’t raise my children how I was raised- When we know better we do better.

 

[Sinder]

ABSOLUTELY! And parents are just expected to pay for car, insurance, college… those are “what parents do” expenses?? I mean sure, some do, but certainly not all, and not all can afford to do so. The parents are essential workers - in healthcare, no less - and people are guilting them because their poor daughter can’t hang around with her friends and play with strangers’ children rather than her siblings. Aiyiyi.

Real nice, the bolded is pretty dismissive of the work daycare workers do.

It's also pretty dismissive of a 17 year old who actually wants to go out and get a job and earn her own money. You know money that could would contribute to all that the OP provides for her.

 

[2China2009]

I get it is rough, especially for essential workers and especially in the situation you are in at work, and that you are venting, but as this is a online message board, you will get unsolicited advice.

Here is mine: How you describe it, I get where she is coming from.
How you describe it, she didn't sign up to have siblings, to be the babysitter, or the unpaid help, that's something you decided for her. As you make it sound, she has no say in her life. You won't be able to get through to her if you keep talking to her instead of with her.

Maybe getting everything handed to her on a golden platter is not what she wants or needs. She probably wants freedom and independence, which is normal at that age. Is there any way you can come to a middle ground?

I understand her frustration. She is sister not a built in babysitter at 17. She resents you for making her do this. Put your son in after school care and hire a babysitter. If she can not work then you need to be paying her to take care of her siblings and for pick ups. $40 week is nothing when she can be working. If she is 17 she should have been driving a long time ago. She wants out and she deserves her freedom if she is going to college in the fall. I have a 17 y/o. She has been driving for 2 years, has a job, a boyfriend and of course is finishing her senior year. She is always gone living her best life. She is not responsible for her younger sister and never has been. I bought her a car and will be helping with college. She will be leaving in August.

 

[butterscotchcollins]

I lament teenagers feeling entitled to do what THEY want all the time. It’s up to their parents. If parents want to be generous and pay for things while telling their kids to put the priority on school, then fine. If parents want to tell kids they need to pay for some things themselves - and get any job they can, not some choice position just for the socialization - then that’s fine too. In the OPs case, she has chosen (and is luckily able) to pay for a lot of the extras for her daughter, in exchange for some minimal help, for which she is paid. The daughter should be grateful, not annoyed that she can’t work a specific minimum wage job just so she gets to talk with her friends for a couple of hours.

Either way, those things like college, car, insurance, etc., are certainly NICE, and if parents can easily afford them, then yes, they should at least help, but that doesn’t mean that teens should automatically EXPECT them and not be appreciative. People were repeatedly saying that the OP wasn’t doing anything for her daughter beyond what her duty is as a parent, and I disagree. But then I also think the daughter has a duty to her parents, which is apparently unthinkable to some people. I mean Heaven forbid should anyone want to help their family during these crazy times…

Call me crazy but I have a kid and I’m pretty sure my job as a parent is to make sure my kid is happy and well-adjusted by providing the basic necessities, so that one day he can make good decisions when I’m not there to
make them for him and take care of himself. I have to model that behavior for him, and that includes learning from my parents’ mistakes of being overbearing and not recognizing my clinical depression that took a hard toll on me and my development for many years. Those are the red flags I see in OP’s post. No 17yo is going to have the life experience or perspective to “appreciate how good they have it” - wanting to spend time with friends and work where their friends work is COMPLETELY NORMAL BEHAVIOR that should not be vilified by out of touch adults.

I think dreamer said it best:

What happens in the next little bit will start setting up for her that she either has parents that will support her no matter what and have her back or parents that will hold her back. Very very soon she will be an adult and unless you want a relationship where everything is tied to money and holding purse strings over her head, she will be free to do as she pleases. Please make sure that what she wants to do is to be around you and your family.