Teen daughter - vent

[Disney.Dreamin.Dee]

While I understand where you and DH are coming from I think YOU have to understand where SHE is coming from.
Seems like she might be burned out at the responsibility that was thrusted on her during covid.
I think we are all getting that way and its starting to show after dang near 2 years when we went into it being told by many that it was going to be 2 months.
Perhaps first you should be paying her money for watching her siblings not just "providing what she needs". This isn't a 3 hour date night once a month. Its several times a week since the start of covid. I assume at this beginning it was a heck of a lot more too that she probably was quite understanding about. Besides you're that parent and should be providing everything she needs regardless of whether she wants to watch her siblings or not.
Secondly is there no one else that could possibly watch them so she can fully get away from them for a while? Grandma maybe? Aunt?
What are you doing with them after she starts college and you told her she can do whatever she wants?
She's probably missing hanging with friends and being a normal senior in high school.
She probably wants the job more for being able to socialize than the money and can't you understand that she needs the socialization?

 

[mjkacmom]

parents offered her alternate jobs that she could get to, but she's rejecting those, which seems like she wants to work with her friends. That's understandable, but if she can't get there then she can't get there.

It's tough to be a teenager sometimes and it's tough to be the parents of a teenager sometimes. we aren't hearing from the daughter but mom has a lot on her plate and seems to think that daughter doesn't want to help, and mom is resentful and maybe the daughter is too. that stuff won't work out well on either side

She can get there with her friends! Maybe the OP coukd offer to pick them up. Everyone I know has carpooled extensively, we don’t even have school buses, so much carpooling in middle and high school until they got license, and then sports after school (fields more than a mile away and the girls were lazy, boys walked), years of ccd carpools…

 

[butterscotchcollins]

my daughter started subbing in August and has worked every school day since. She went to three different schools and the third school asked her to do a 2-3 week job. Then put her as a residential sub. They mentioned after winter break she would be a guest teacher. There haven’t been any open positions at that school until recently. Sounds like they really want her to work there so fingers crossed. She has worked hard and showed them what she can do. They are impressed by her she just turned 23 so she was 22 when she started.


Even though we did a lot for our daughter she wasn’t spoiled. At 4 I took her to open up a saving account. Every deposit change, a couple dollars or bday that was deposited she got to show her receipt to get a prize from the bank treasure box. At age 18 she had $1500.00 and she still has it in the bank.

I thought she would have a difficult time get a job because she didn’t have any experience. I always hoped they would see she was a good hard working student and in tennis and track that shows she could keep up her grades and was responsible.

Her first job was subbing August/Sept $150 a day. October residential sub $170 a day. Nov/December pay raise $230 a day I believe. Hopefully she get hired in the next month or two and her pay will go up again. Pretty good for only turning 23 a few weeks ago

she has about $9500 saved in one account which will go to student loan. We‘e gone out to Dinner or shopping and she won’t let us pay. For Christmas she gifted hubby and I two dinner gift card $75 each restaurant so hubby and I can go out to dinner on a date. My heart melted because I told her I would have been fine with a hug

Good luck to all because times are tough for many

That’s really lovely and I’m glad to hear it

 

[AndreaA]

Please do not make yourself the victim here. It really doesn’t lead to honest conversation.

You asked for opinions and even yourself shared your were surprised people didn’t side with you. So that’s clearly what you were expecting. If you really want to make things better with your daughter, where it works for all of you, take some of this advice in, instead of continuously staying on the defensive. Or just admit you wanted confirmation and not advice.

I think her defensiveness is well-placed when she had people saying that they hoped her daughter “got out fast” (as if she’s in some horrible abusive situation?) and similarly terrible things, and even not-so-terrible but still borderline offensive.

 

[Southernmiss]

You've told us your side of today's conversation, but what was your daughter's take on it?

 

[amylevan]

Some of y’all are crazy. Missing out on being a normal senior because she watches her sibling for 20 minutes 3 times/week??? Really? I’m starting to think this is where our entitled generation is coming from if people are this horrified that teens are asked to contribute to their household.

And I must be a horrible witch.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I think her defensiveness is well-placed when she had people saying that they hoped her daughter “got out fast” (as if she’s in some horrible abusive situation?) and similarly terrible things, and even not-so-terrible but still borderline offensive.

And she said some equally terrible things about her daughter. She is NOT a victim here. She needs to stop acting like one.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think her defensiveness is well-placed when she had people saying that they hoped her daughter “got out fast” (as if she’s in some horrible abusive situation?) and similarly terrible things, and even not-so-terrible but still borderline offensive.

I don't take back what I said. You can call me offensive or what I said was offensive. If I was stuck in a situation like the OP's daughter I probably would get out and not look back for a while I'd def. need space from my parent after all of that. I would feel taken advantaged of. Abused? Probably not. But then again I didn't say abused either.

 

[Planogirl]

I had much the same situation when I was a teen. I resented it and moved out quickly partially based on this requirement. It was never discussed but I was just ordered to do it and it didn't go over well with a rebellious teen.

I would talk about it. Conversation can make a lot of difference.

 

[AndreaA]

Some of y’all are crazy. Missing out on being a normal senior because she watches her sibling for 20 minutes 3 times/week??? Really? I’m starting to think this is where our entitled generation is coming from if people are this horrified that teens are asked to contribute to their household.

And I must be a horrible witch.

ABSOLUTELY! And parents are just expected to pay for car, insurance, college… those are “what parents do” expenses?? I mean sure, some do, but certainly not all, and not all can afford to do so. The parents are essential workers - in healthcare, no less - and people are guilting them because their poor daughter can’t hang around with her friends and play with strangers’ children rather than her siblings. Aiyiyi.

 

[AndreaA]

And she said some equally terrible things about her daughter. She is NOT a victim here. She needs to stop acting like one.

Her daughter isn’t a victim either, and sounds like an entitled brat who only wants things one way, and one way only. If she really wanted a job for the money, she could get one. That’s not why she wants it, and her parents shouldn’t be responsible for essentially paying for her desire to socialize with her friends.

 

[Disney.Dreamin.Dee]

ABSOLUTELY! And parents are just expected to pay for insurance,

This is not even a choice at all.
As soon as a child get their license they are automatically added to the policy and it would be the parent's responsibility to have her taken off.
Then they could tell her she needs her own insurance.
Its not the daughter's fault.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

But we can see the daughter had found a way to get there. You say she can't get there well she actually can.

she's a minor. She can't get there if her parents say she can't hitch a ride with someone else's parents or bike in the winter. Which is totally up to the parents and is not unreasonable.

the big issue here is that they resent each other and need to have a chat, and it looks like neither side has time for any of that

 

[AndreaA]

This is not even a choice at all.
As soon as a child get their license they are automatically added to the policy and it would be the parent's responsibility to have her taken off.
Then they could tell her she needs her own insurance.
Its not the daughter's fault.

I’m sure that plenty of parents do just that, or tell their kids to cough up the money if they want to drive the family car. My point is that just because some parents are generous doesn’t mean that all are - or can be, due to costs - and things that kids nowadays just expect parents to pay for are things that were totally ”optional extras” in the past, and for many still today. So for people to say that this daughter isn’t getting anything for her “work” (except she is actually getting paid) is flat-out incorrect.

 

[Skywalker]

You're right the job is off the table because when others are mentioned there's a reason told by the parents where it won't work or it has to be just the right time of the year..

Yes it's obvious to me that they don't want her to take this particular job because it would inconvenience them.

If she can get arrange a ride good for her. At 17 I dont think you should be blocking her from arranging her own ride. Maybe since she will working she could offer the other parent gas money...win/win and so hopefully no one is getting taken advantage of. If the ride falls through, she will hustle to figure something else out. If not, if she comes to the decision that she has to give up the job because it's not working out, is a far different thing than it being "your fault" for stopping her from even trying.

Also, for goodness sake please stop snooping on your daughter. Being surveilled on a "nanny-cam" in your own home has to suck.

 

[AndreaA]

Also, for goodness sake please stop snooping on your daughter. Being surveilled on a "nanny-cam" in your own home has to suck.

The nanny-cam is about the only issue I have with the situation. However, I’m guessing they’re there for some other reason and the mom only checked them because her son told her that he did everything and his sister didn’t really watch them all day.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This is not even a choice at all.
As soon as a child get their license they are automatically added to the policy and it would be the parent's responsibility to have her taken off.
Then they could tell her she needs her own insurance.
Its not the daughter's fault.

Heck not even a license! When I worked at the insurance company any person 16 and older was required to be rated or excluded. I def. paid for my own car insurance but at that point I had had a job for enough time to save for it. I bought myself my own car but by that time I had had a job for enough time to save for it. Most insurance companies tell you you gotta add the kid on the policy, some do have ways for them not to be rated (like they just have a learner's permit) others don't.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes it's obvious to me that they don't want her to take this particular job because it would inconvenience them.

If she can get arrange a ride good for her. At 17 I dont think you should be blocking her from arranging her own ride. Maybe since she will working she could offer the other parent gas money...win/win and so hopefully no one is getting taken advantage of. If the ride falls through, she will hustle to figure something else out. If not, if she comes to the decision that she has to give up the job because it's not working out, is a far different thing than it being "your fault" for stopping her from even trying.

Also, for goodness sake please stop snooping on your daughter. Being surveilled on a "nanny-cam" in your own home has to suck.

I had a post typed up for a response to a different post but I'm just going to go with yours because it echoed just about everything I was going to say.

 

[mjkacmom]

my daughter started subbing in August and has worked every school day since. She went to three different schools and the third school asked her to do a 2-3 week job. Then put her as a residential sub. They mentioned after winter break she would be a guest teacher. There haven’t been any open positions at that school until recently. Sounds like they really want her to work there so fingers crossed. She has worked hard and showed them what she can do. They are impressed by her she just turned 23 so she was 22 when she started.


Even though we did a lot for our daughter she wasn’t spoiled. At 4 I took her to open up a saving account. Every deposit change, a couple dollars or bday that was deposited she got to show her receipt to get a prize from the bank treasure box. At age 18 she had $1500.00 and she still has it in the bank.

I thought she would have a difficult time get a job because she didn’t have any experience. I always hoped they would see she was a good hard working student and in tennis and track that shows she could keep up her grades and was responsible.

Her first job was subbing August/Sept $150 a day. October residential sub $170 a day. Nov/December pay raise $230 a day I believe. Hopefully she get hired in the next month or two and her pay will go up again. Pretty good for only turning 23 a few weeks ago

she has about $9500 saved in one account which will go to student loan. We‘e gone out to Dinner or shopping and she won’t let us pay. For Christmas she gifted hubby and I two dinner gift card $75 each restaurant so hubby and I can go out to dinner on a date. My heart melted because I told her I would have been fine with a hug

Good luck to all because times are tough for many

That’s great but you know there is a HUGE sub and teacher shortage in this country, I’m sure your daughter does a great job but districts are begging for subs. My BIL is a bus driver without a college degree, staff run out to him on a regular basis asking him to sub. Other professions can be a lot more competitive.

 

[AndreaA]

That’s great but you know there is a HUGE sub and teacher shortage in this country, I’m sure your daughter does a great job but districts are begging for subs. My BIL is a bus driver without a college degree, staff run out to him on a regular basis asking him to sub. Other professions can be a lot more competitive.

So? The daughter doesn’t want another profession… she wants to be a teacher.

I also think it’s silly to suggest that people don’t get hired because they didn’t have jobs in high school. I never had a job in high school until summer of my senior year. Went to college, and worked retail during the summers, then got a job at a highly respected mutual fund company and worked my way up the corporate ladder for 15yrs until I had my kids. Jobs in high school are overrated and I’ll be discouraging my kids from getting one - they have too many outside interests/activities to add employment on top of their ACTUAL job of getting good grades.