Team Focker Watch Chat Part 5.5: The Less-Cursed Version

[sharkB8HooHaHa]

OK. I need some advice on how to respond to this. I got an email today from my aunt.

Anyway, I just don't know what, if anything to say... Should I tell her that mom WOULD let go of care, if there was anyone to let go to? Or any money to do that? Should I tell her it wasn't mom who didn't want them in the house with grandma? Should I say, (and no, I know I shouldn't) "Since you don't have jobs, come back and take care of them, then, especially since you can't contribute to the helper's salary?" Or should I just say, "Yeah, we're all concerned," and nothing else?

Family. Ugh.

First of all...

Secondly, I think I'd stay as far out of this one as possible. It's clear that she is trying to justify their move to MO, and to get your support (on her side??) I would just stick to the "we're all concerned and doing all that we can to make G'pa comfortable and G'ma's life easier".

Good luck with it.

 

[cmp1111]

First of all...

Secondly, I think I'd stay as far out of this one as possible. It's clear that she is trying to justify their move to MO, and to get your support (on her side??) I would just stick to the "we're all concerned and doing all that we can to make G'pa comfortable and G'ma's life easier".

Good luck with it.

I felt that she was REALLY trying to justify. I don't buy it, but then, I'm biased.

I think you're probably right.

And thanks for the hugs.

 

[Goofyluver]

Well, the local place in their hometown (and trust me, we're lucky it's there for a town of 1100) is considered a "nursing home" which I feel is pretty much the total skilled care, right? It's definitely not apartment type assisted living. And that's where he prefers to go if he has to.

But they will keep him on the rehab floor within the hospital if he "continues to progress" as they know he won't get as much rehab in the nursing home.

But as my mom says, they're working on getting him stronger, but we're not sure for what, and she also reminded her mom that at some point she (grandma) will have to let him know it's OK if he's just too worn out to go on. Mom has expressed that to him, but Nan hasn't. It's just sad all around.

Ok, took both boys to ped. for annual exams. All healthy...well, sort of. Right? But, the dr. did talk to SD about the panic issues and I think it really comforted him. He even sprung a "surprise" shot on them at the end, which I thought would get poor SD all worked up, and NOTHING!! He was cool.

So, we got take-out (UnBob is away) and then came home. They are watching Dirty Jobs right now. I am tucking everyone in at 9/930 and that's that! I'm SO tired. It's been a long long long day.

I never made it to the ding dang TR's today. I was too busy running around. I did get alot done though. I can't wait to crawl into bed with a book tonight and relax. Tomorrow I have LOTS to do to prepare for the In-laws. YIKES. But, the sooner they come,
THE SOONER THEY CAN LEAVE.

MEL

PS. I hope you are all doing great!!! Everybody good? Good!!!

We're good.

for you, SD, and for preparing for the in-laws!

OK. I need some advice on how to respond to this. I got an email today from my aunt. She's my mom's SisIL, married to mom's brother. Jerry, my mom's brother, is 58. They are the ones that moved to MO without selling their house that is a block away from my grandparents with all the issues. Neither of them have jobs, and they moved into my 30-year-old cousin's house.

Now, I know that my mom's view is NOT unskewed. But she is retired, where Aunt Linda & Uncle Jerry were not, so the bulk of the care of my grandparents has always fallen on my mom, even when they lived a block away. I know they helped, which is why my parents are so angry and confused by them moving away with this all going on - whilst not having jobs or a house or any money.

Here is my aunt's message, my edits are in black:
You know CE, we didn't know until yesterday that your mom wasn't supposed to drive. Just yesterday Nan mentioned it. We have been concerned also about your mom, but she just has a hard time hearing us as we have tried and tried to get her to see that this is a long haul with Shelton (my grandpa) and keeping a 24 watch isn't mentally or physically possible. Living so close to them, Jerry had been running over there 4 or 5 times a day for the last year and half, getting them dinners, doing the appliance thing, and tons of other things and truly it was becoming too much. They seemed to prefer just Jerry or Linda (just FYI, my mom is ALSO Linda, so she's talking about my mom here), so I worked, cooked for them sometimes and helped where I could. Jerry and I felt we needed more help over a year or more ago.

I have been trying to earn enough to keep us afloat so he could help with them these past several years, while he worked part-time. I am looking for full-time here, I need to work more, the school job just isn't enough. Jer's Dr's are here and I have been concerned about him also. The load has been heavy for a long time, that's for sure.

We are a lot closer to jobs here, and hoping to find work soon. Looking for jobs at our age is a lot of work! We are hoping the your mom will let Tally (Tally is the girl that has been the home helper for my grandparents for about a month) do more, because it seems hard for your mom to let go and accept help. We offered a year ago to sell our house and move in with Nan and Pa to care for them, but I don't think your mom thought that was a good idea, so we backed off. We are trying to hold our own also, and hopefully things will quiet down with Shelton for a spell. If he goes to a nursing home, close to home would help cutting down on all that running and gas. If he goes home(?) I would guess it would take 2 people to over see things. Jer and I have to work and it was becoming impossible for Jer to even focus on that or get rest. His parents called quite often during the middle of the night, during most dinners and he was on-call. It helps to have Shelton being cared for by others, but it hard to let go of his care to others, most likely that's what your mom is struggling with. Please let us know along the way how you think things are going as we do want to keep helping, but are at a loss as to what some of the solutions are. We love your mom, and hope and pray that some rest will be coming. We are trying to build ourselves up also to make it for the long haul. Thanks for writing, we love you and will keep praying. If you think we need to do something, please let us know. Love, Linda and Jer

I agree with Kate. It sounds to me like she's trying to justify her actions. You seem to have an awareness and perspective that she doesn't have. I'd stay clear.

 

[cmp1111]

I agree with Kate. It sounds to me like she's trying to justify her actions. You seem to have an awareness and perspective that she doesn't have. I'd stay clear.

Thanks, Jen. Gah.

 

[Muffinygood]

I have said for years that you really get to see the worst of people when stuff like this happens in your family...

Someday I'll bore you to tears with the story of my grammy...

Regardless, I'm going with Kate on this one. Sure, it would be terrific if they felt some sort of obligation to return to IL and help out since they have no jobs. Unfortunately, if they had felt that they wouldn't have left in the 1st place, right?
Your reply should be that you are happy to hear they care and that you are just interested in your parents and grandparents living their lives as happily and comfortably as possible.

You can't help out other than being available to emotionally support your mom and dad. It's hard when this stuff is going on so far away too. Keep your chin up.


Mel

 

[cmp1111]

I have said for years that you really get to see the worst of people when stuff like this happens in your family...

Someday I'll bore you to tears with the story of my grammy...

Regardless, I'm going with Kate on this one. Sure, it would be terrific if they felt some sort of obligation to return to IL and help out since they have no jobs. Unfortunately, if they had felt that they wouldn't have left in the 1st place, right?
Your reply should be that you are happy to hear they care and that you are just interested in your parents and grandparents living their lives as happily and comfortably as possible.

You can't help out other than being available to emotionally support your mom and dad. It's hard when this stuff is going on so far away too. Keep your chin up.


Mel

Thanks, Mel. Yeah, if the real "obligation" was there, they'd be in IL. And yes, sometimes I'm glad to be half a country away, but in these situations...

 

[Goofyluver]

CE...it's the same as in life. There are "do-ers" and "observers (judgers)". The "do-ers"...those are the ones who feel an obligation to DO something. To get in there and take action. With family, sometimes we have an obligation to DO something.

Then, there are the "observers"...who sit on the outside and judge what's going on from afar. And yet, most of the time they feel the need to put in their two cents, even when they aren't being "helpful" at all.

Your aunt...well, you be the judge.

It's so difficult taking care of family like this. We have all been there in our own way.

Just know, that the ones who are the "do-ers"...those are the people we cherish in our lives. The ones who picked us up when we needed it.

 

[cmp1111]

CE...it's the same as in life. There are "do-ers" and "observers (judgers)". The "do-ers"...those are the ones who feel an obligation to DO something. To get in there and take action. With family, sometimes we have an obligation to DO something.

Then, there are the "observers"...who sit on the outside and judge what's going on from afar. And yet, most of the time they feel the need to put in their two cents, even when they aren't being "helpful" at all.

Your aunt...well, you be the judge.

It's so difficult taking care of family like this. We have all been there in our own way.

Just know, that the ones who are the "do-ers"...those are the people we cherish in our lives. The ones who picked us up when we needed it.

Oh, Jen. Now I'm teary. Thank you so much.

 

[Goofyluver]

Oh, Jen. Now I'm teary. Thank you so much.

Well, now don't go doing that!!!

LY/MI!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I"m off to finish packing and to hit the hay. We're leaving bright and early in the morning for Albuquerque for Jon's Dr.

I probably won't get to check in until late tomorrow night.

I REALLY hope that everyone has a very happy, healthy, and safe evening and tomorrow!



I'll check in after Jon's appt.!

 

[cmp1111]

Well, now don't go doing that!!!

LY/MI!!!

You, too, darlin'

I REALLY hope that everyone has a very happy, healthy, and safe evening and tomorrow!



I'll check in after Jon's appt.!

You have a great day, too. Is this just a check up for him? Hugs to you both.

 

[carrieannie]

Oh Dear,,I just got caught up after work. (I did not get held up Mel!)

CE. I read your post. I`ve never been through that. All I can offer is a hug. I think Jen and Mel had the best replys.


Good luck with the in-laws this week Mel! How long are they here for?

Jen,,picture of new Dye Job?

`````````````````````````````
Nothing new here. I`m pretty boring... Steve decided to quit his Community college classes that were offered thru work, hes been doing them for 2 years now. 1 class a semester...but he also coaches youth football 6 days a week and says that he made a commitment to the boys and he wants to stick with them. he loves coaching,,hes a differant guy when hes out on the field! but hes overwhelmed and cranky from taking on too much.
My best friend called me today to let me know that there is an opening at the day care where she takes her 2 year old son. my godson...I might call tomorrow...I`m a little to bored with all 3 in school full time!

 

[1Princess1Prince2006]

But as my mom says, they're working on getting him stronger, but we're not sure for what, and she also reminded her mom that at some point she (grandma) will have to let him know it's OK if he's just too worn out to go on. Mom has expressed that to him, but Nan hasn't. It's just sad all around.

CE, that truly is the hardest part that has to be done.

I now have two elections to follow, the American and the Canadian. The Prime Minister decided to call an election a few days ago so Canada heads to the polls in just five weeks, None of this long drawn out election stuff like you guys have. They just go straight to the mudslinging.

Have fun!

Anyway, I just don't know what, if anything to say... Should I tell her that mom WOULD let go of care, if there was anyone to let go to? Or any money to do that? Should I tell her it wasn't mom who didn't want them in the house with grandma? Should I say, (and no, I know I shouldn't) "Since you don't have jobs, come back and take care of them, then, especially since you can't contribute to the helper's salary?" Or should I just say, "Yeah, we're all concerned," and nothing else?

Family. Ugh.

I too, agree with Kate. I'd try to stay out of it. Our family has been there, done that, and you only end up with hurt feelings.

Well, I"m off to finish packing and to hit the hay. We're leaving bright and early in the morning for Albuquerque for Jon's Dr.

Have a safe trip and good luck with Jon's appointment.

 

[DisneyJo]

I hope to be around later to catch up AGAIN(im making a habit of this )

Hi Theresa

Well the kids and I are outa here to head to my grandma's for dinner. Hope y'all have a good night!

Hope you had fun!

How is that your fault???

I know, I phoned this morning and now she can't play on the date she gave me

I've been working each day--off tomorrow so may get to DIS and clean (and grocery shop) a bit!

What happened to the part time job?

and she also reminded her mom that at some point she (grandma) will have to let him know it's OK if he's just too worn out to go on. Mom has expressed that to him, but Nan hasn't. It's just sad all around.

Rode Toy Story 3 times! Only once with fast pass. Then we rode ToT 3 times. No fast pass needed! I love this time of year! It was hot but a little overcast and a breeze. Thanks Ike. Does that sound like I'm bragging? I don't mean too!

Yep does sound like bragging J/K sounds like fun!

I can't wait to crawl into bed with a book tonight and relax. Tomorrow I have LOTS to do to prepare for the In-laws. YIKES. But, the sooner they come,
THE SOONER THEY CAN LEAVE.

Hope you had a restful evening and goodluck with the IL's!

OK. I need some advice on how to respond to this.

I'm sorry CE, as others have said try and keep out of it So what happens money wise in the US? Over here if you need to go into a home and have no money the government pays

I'll check in after Jon's appt.!

Hope all goes well

but he also coaches youth football 6 days a week and says that he made a commitment to the boys and he wants to stick with them.

Wow 6 nights a week that's heck of a commitment, but I suppose if it makes him happy! Oh and go and have a look at the job you have nothing to lose


It's wednesday so it was go for a walk morning, feels like groundhog day every week

 

[rachel3]

jodi-- that's great news!!! hope you're feeling better

ce-- i agree with everyone else on this one. it would probably feel better to vent to your aunt, but in the long run, not such a good idea. i would just stay vague in your reply. family , but


to everyone else. katt-- to you too.



well, i have sooooo much crap to do it's crazy !!!! but, i need to catch up on my tr's! my priorities are so backwards but i know my fockers understand!!


oh and if a new thread starts while i'm gone , will someone please pm a link for me???? who knows........i'll be gone for 10 days, so you might start and finish a new one in that time!!!!

 

[Muffinygood]

Today was the day. You know (if you live north of Tennessee) that day of the year when you wake up and WISH WISH WISH it was still summer?

Yep. When I woke up this morning my thermometer over the kitchen sink, which tells me inside and outside temps, said 45 degrees. That's Farenheit people!!! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Sd slept well, and Gus is still out cold. I'm up defrosting a pork roast for dinner tonight. Yeah, CE, tell me when the last time was that D was out of town and you made a ROAST!? The inlaws are coming. ( feel like i should shout that on horseback whilst riding through the back bay...)
Gotta feed them or they get cranky. I'm making a pork roast, potatoes and squash. Very New England Sunday Dinner.... If I could whip out an apple pie, we'd be perfect!

I have at least a million things to do today. I'm sure I'll be on and off here today so you guys stay out of trouble!

Oh, and PS: Carrie, I'm glad you didn't get held up!

MEL

 

[cmp1111]

CE. I read your post. I`ve never been through that. All I can offer is a hug. I think Jen and Mel had the best replys.

Thanks, and I agree.

CE, that truly is the hardest part that has to be done.
I too, agree with Kate. I'd try to stay out of it. Our family has been there, done that, and you only end up with hurt feelings.

I know... Sometimes I just want to give them a wake up call, but it's not the right thing. Thanks.

I know, I phoned this morning and now she can't play on the date she gave me

So did you call to complain about her?

I'm sorry CE, as others have said try and keep out of it So what happens money wise in the US? Over here if you need to go into a home and have no money the government pays

Well, they would here, too, but my grandparents still own a bunch of family farmland. They turned it over to my mom and uncle, but there's a four-year waiting period to prevent people handing over all their assets and then saying, "ooh, we're poor, pay for us." They did it a few years back, but not four yet. So even though the land has been in the family for over 100 years, they would be expected to sell it in order to pay for their care. I understand that, to a degree, but it sucks.

ce-- i agree with everyone else on this one. it would probably feel better to vent to your aunt, but in the long run, not such a good idea. i would just stay vague in your reply. family , but

Thanks, Rachel. As I said, sometimes I just want to shake them, but... I know it's not the right way to deal.

Today was the day. You know (if you live north of Tennessee) that day of the year when you wake up and WISH WISH WISH it was still summer?

Yep. When I woke up this morning my thermometer over the kitchen sink, which tells me inside and outside temps, said 45 degrees. That's Farenheit people!!! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

It's still 54 now, but I made the boys put on the long pants for the first time for school. I like it, though - good sleeping weather, but no SNOW.

Yeah, CE, tell me when the last time was that D was out of town and you made a ROAST!? The inlaws are coming.

Probably never. D's mom doesn't expect it, that would be the only time I'd DO it, and his dad won't come if he's not home.

Good luck!

 

[askelton]

When I woke up this morning my thermometer over the kitchen sink, which tells me inside and outside temps, said 45 degrees. That's Farenheit people!!! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

already?!

I'm making a pork roast, potatoes and squash. Very New England Sunday Dinner.... If I could whip out an apple pie, we'd be perfect!

Go Martha! ' You're such a good DIL.


CE,

Jen, have fun!

 

[cmp1111]

CE,

Thanks, Angela.

 

[Muffinygood]

Rachel: Have a great trip if I'm too distracted by my IL's to remember to tell you that!!!! Have fun. You deserve it!

CE: I WISH they wouldn't visit if UnBob wasn't here....no such luck.

Jo: HI!!!

Poor Katt. I forgot to comment to her. for you sweetie! We love you. Come back. Don't hide from us....

 

[englishrose47]

Morning All!!