Super Picky Eater Kids -How do you handle this?

[dreamer17555]

@Hisgirl - I was rereading your post and I’m just checking you’re speaking about your own child, correct?

I would be absolutely livid if somebody posted this about my child and if they were close friends and family, they wouldn’t be close anymore.

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

@Hisgirl - I was rereading your post and I’m just checking you’re speaking about your own child, correct?

I would be absolutely livid if somebody posted this about my child and if they were close friends and family, they wouldn’t be close anymore.

Looking at OP's info looks like this could be a grandchild and yeah in which case it is completely inappropriate unless OP is the child's guardian and is actually looking for opinions on how to handle it vs OP telling the child's PARENTS/GAURDIANS "hey look all these people agree with me that you should not give your kid special treatment when its a large group".
If the parent wants advice they would ask for it.

 

[leebee]

DD avoided meat (textural thing) until she was about 14, at which point she chose to learn to eat some meat in small quantities. When she was young, I just made sure that the side dishes at dinner were something she could use as a main dish. She got a lot of variations of pasta with sauce, rice and beans, etc., and she was always a happy veggie eater so no issues there. She knew that if she didn't like what I was serving, cereal or yogurt were the options- I wasn't making an entire second meal! I made sure that her breakfasts and lunches had adequate protein of a form she'd eat (mostly cheese, eggs, or nut butters), and she had a cup of yogurt every morning. I always worried if she was getting adequate protein, but her hair and nails grew so I figured she was OK!

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Looking at OP's info looks like this could be a grandchild and yeah in which case it is completely inappropriate unless OP is the child's guardian and is actually looking for opinions on how to handle it vs OP telling the child's PARENTS/GAURDIANS "hey look all these people agree with me that you should not give your kid special treatment when its a large group".
If the parent wants advice they would ask for it.

I didn't get that impression. I think they were just asking for other people's experiences. And they certainly didn't provide any identifying information about the child. I felt it was more like "am I off base here or is this common and I need to adjust my expectations?". If people can't ask questions about other people's experiences then how are they supposed to get more information? The post didn't read to me that they were going to bring back survey results to the parents. Sure, I read some frustration in there, but I can understand that and it's okay to feel it. I get frustrated at myself because I feel like I unintentionally limit the restaurants DH goes to because he knows my preferences better than anyone. I didn't see any bad intent here.

 

[dreamer17555]

Don't flame me but this is the type of thing that I think the old fashioned way may work best.
They eat SOMETHING from where you're going or they go hungry until they arrive back home.
And that's coming from a picky eater myself.
My parents (boomers) took us kids to many restaurants as kids and my mom still tells me they never would have if we did not behave and try something on the menu.

And if you don't want to be that "cruel" then ok bring something for them but it should be something that is minimal effort on your part and only be from out if its on the way to the other location.

As for getting the "wrong" brand maybe you need to create a list of the foods and specific brands and if say the store doesn't have that exact brand don't buy it.
And again this should be something from home vs say running to the grocery store to pick up a little container of ice cream because doing things like that only shows that your child thinks this is something that can go on forever.

I tried this once and only once with my daughter where I did the if you won’t eat one of the options provided to you those are the only options you’re getting and then she promptly refused to eat or drink anything for multiple days and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. She was 8.

I was begging her to drink anything at a certain point, but I had triggered an extra layer of fear for her that meant that she just couldn’t at that time. Some kids deal with ultimatums by calling your bluff. It was that event that forced me into seeing how serious her fear was.

She’s 22 now. She’s still picky but less so each year. It improved the most when she moved out and controlled her own shopping, kitchen, cooking, and dining out. I get excited texts when she tries a new food- “Mom, so&so made risotto and I liked it!” And “I tried beef- still a no ”

I celebrate with her for each time she’s willing to try something new even if it doesn’t work out because that’s how I want her to be with anything not just food.

Sometimes this gets better, but it involves therapy and understanding and time for everybody to develop in their own way.

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

I tried this once and only once with my daughter where I did the if you won’t eat one of the options provided to you those are the only options you’re getting and then she promptly refused to eat or drink anything for multiple days and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. She was 8.

I was begging her to drink anything at a certain point, but I had triggered an extra layer of fear for her that meant that she just couldn’t at that time. Some kids deal with ultimatums by calling your bluff. It was that event that forced me into seeing how serious her fear was.

She’s 22 now. She’s still picky but less so each year. It improved the most when she moved out and controlled her own shopping, kitchen, cooking, and dining out. I get excited texts when she tries a new food- “Mom, so&so made risotto and I liked it!” And “I tried beef- still a no ”

I celebrate with her for each time she’s willing to try something new even if it doesn’t work out because that’s how I want her to be with anything not just food.

Sometimes this gets better, but it involves therapy and understanding and time for everybody to develop in their own way.

I was specifically talking about when going out. If at home and your kid doesn't want what you're eating and there are other options that are not a hassle to give them like a sandwich or soup or mac n cheese etc then go for it but if going out then either bring an at home option or tell them they need to wait until you get home.

It truly isn't fair to say have a group of 8 and everyone but the one can agree on a singular place to go but the one forces their choice.

And like I said I'm a picky eater always was.
I didn't refuse too much though I just didn't eat it very well if I didn't like it. For example I hated brown sugar on carrots. As I got a little older and could ask for raw carrots with ranch then I made the switch.
And the only pizza place I didn't like was the only pizza place my sister loved so either I'd eat it anyways or just not have pizza that time.
As an adult obviously I can make more decisions but even now if my sister wants to make something for dinner and have me and my parents over she will warn me ahead of time if she knows its a dish I'm not a fan of and I'll either eat something else or at least I have time to mentally prepare for it lol.

 

[ClaraOswald]

Children on the spectrum and/or children with ARFID are not quite the same thing as your common "picky eater." I was a picky eater growing up. But I could always find at least a small something to eat everywhere. For example, at family cookouts, I never ate the burgers, hot dogs, potato salad, etc. But there were usually fruits or vegetables and chips. So I'd just eat that.

BUT....I'm not on the spectrum, nor do I have ARFID. (Google it if you haven't heard this term.)

If a child has ARFID, feeding therapy is highly recommended. And OT is a good person to go to for this. It's a long road, often with slow progress.

You generally cannot (and IMO should not) force a child to eat things they don't want. For many, that will just make them resist more.

My son is autistic. He doesn't have ARFID but he definitely has specific foods he likes. It's a decent variety, but it's not always things available in restaurants or if we go to a family gathering. He is underweight so I'd never NOT bring food places for him. We still order him food and put new things on his plate. Sometimes he tries them, usually not. I think it's good to have a few "safe foods" mixed in with some new options. We never expect other families to pick foods or anything based on my son's needs. We bring what he needs on our own. (Though sometimes some relatives do ask ahead of time and try to have things he will like...but that's because we have a lot of really great and understanding family.)

Oh...and the whole "a kid will eat whatever is in front of them if they are hungry enough" often does NOT apply to autistic kids or those with ARFID. They would rather be hungry. (Or in the case of my son, not seem to recognize what hunger even is.)

 

[prairie_girl]

I’ll answer as a picky adult. I am not on the spectrum at all; for me it’s a taste and texture thing. I don’t like things that are squishy or gel like (like tomatoes or that gross part in a cucumber) and I am a supertaster so any strong or overwhelming tastes are out too. To put that in perspective, if I eat mashed potatoes with a shake or two of black pepper in it, I will notice and my mouth will burn. The hottest thing I can stand is paprika and only a bite or two.

My family gets together once a month or so and my family all knows not to make food based off what I will eat. They only do that when it comes to nuts because I have an anaphylactic allergy to all nuts. I eat way more than just nuggets or butter noodles. There is usually choice of two that I can choose from and it’s always appreciated.

If we go out for meals, we don’t pick a place based on what I could possibly eat. Before we go, I will look up the menu online and decide if there is anything I can eat. 99.9% of times, there is. If there isn’t, I’m there for water, the free bread, and the company.

For about the past five years, I have committed to trying at least one new food a year. Last year was a pickle, which was way too vinegary, and a chickpea, which tasted like chalky dirt. So far this year, it has been a radish. I lost my sense of taste back in March when I got Covid for the first time, and it’s still not back. Eating a radish was like eating an apple to me. So, if it stays, I’ll totally keep eating radishes.

I can’t think of what else I might eat this year, but I’ve met my obligation lol

 

[Imzadi]

Talk with his doctor if you haven't already, both to address any nutritional deficiencies, and because sometimes kids avoid certain foods because of actual allergies.

I have no advice. Just saying I am allergic to most RAW fruits and nuts and some vegetables. It's called Oral Allergy Syndrome. The roof of my mouth and back of my throat get irritated. And my ears begin to itch. I usually know within a minute and a half of taking one bite if there is something allergic in a food I'm eating, that I don't know all the ingredients of, or if the nuts have been roasted or not.

I can have cooked, baked, stewed, poached or canned fruits as the heating process breaks down the protein/enzyme I am allergic to.

Since he likes sweets, maybe something like a (baked) berry pie may be something he'd eat?

 

[barkley]

My son is autistic. He doesn't have ARFID but he definitely has specific foods he likes. It's a decent variety, but it's not always things available in restaurants or if we go to a family gathering. He is underweight so I'd never NOT bring food places for him

have you ever looked into the product 'benecalorie'? my son was underweight most of his childhood until we discovered this-the stuff has 330 calories and 7 grams of protein per little container and you canNOT detect it mixed into food (there is no texture or taste to it). ds would eat applesauce and mac&cheese both of which we mixed it into and he never noticed.

 

[NotUrsula]

Short answer is no, it's not usual for the families of kids with food aversions to plan their restaurant choices around what the child will eat. If there is nothing at all on the menu that the child will tolerate, then we typically feed them at home before we go and let them bring a quiet toy to keep busy while everyone else eats. Also, at least in our home, the food-averse child was not allowed to express disgust with what other people were eating; it was fine to say, "No thank you, I don't like that.", but not, "That's gross and stinky, get it away from me!"

I also have food aversions, in my case it is partially texture, but mostly odor; I have a very sensitive nose and certain odors pretty instantly make me nauseous, especially the smell of cooked cruciferous vegetables or cooking eggs. If I find broccoli on my plate I'm going to immediately ask for an extra dish and put the broccoli in it, then cover it with my bread plate, because if I don't I will not be able to eat anything at all. (My DH will eat these things in restaurants, but as a courtesy to me he generally will eat them first before the rest of what is on his plate, so as to eliminate the odor as quickly as possible. We don't cook them at home, because the odor will permeate the house.)

DS, who is now in his late 20s and is high-functioning autistic, also has very strong aversions; what he hates is mystery foods. The key for him is that he NEEDS to know exactly what is in every item, so he generally won't touch things like casseroles that have "hidden" ingredients unless he cooks them himself.

What he ate as a child tended to surprise people; I grew up in South Louisiana and make pretty much everything spicy, and we eat a lot of fish. From babyhood, this kid also liked to eat raw garlic, and then as now, his very favorite food in the world is boiled or steamed crab. However, as with most kids on the spectrum, he was suggestible, and at age 4 when my MIL told him that spicy foods were bad for children and would make him sick, he suddenly started a phase where he ate nothing but Kraft boxed M&C for 8 months; he ate it 3 meals a day. When he was a teen he started trying to branch out, and got up to about 20 foods, a change from the 4-6 of his grade school days, and he was always absolutely thrilled to discover a new food he could enjoy.

Now he enjoys cooking, and makes quite a range of foods, but as with me, his immersion blender is his very best friend; it smooths out textures in things like sauces, so there are no "mystery lumps" to bother him. What I told him as a kid (and it was hugely helpful in breaking the M&C obsession) is to try to follow your nose: if it smells good to you, it will probably taste good, though texture is often still a hurdle.

The key to kids like this is to NEVER insist on the "just try it" method; just do not make food an issue as long as they are eating something daily. Most of the time food aversions of this severity have something to do with a gag reflex, and they become so terrified of the pain and unpleasantness of vomiting that they simply cannot let a food that seems "bad" pass their lips. They will NOT eat whatever it is without gagging, and most of them who've encountered an adult who insisted on this will sit at the table for hours rather than eat that food. In my case it was my BIL (older sister's DH) who did it to me; I was staying at their home while my father was very ill and my Mom had to stay at the hospital with him. BIL had one of those "one tablespoonful of everything on the plate and you cannot leave the table until you eat it" rules for his own kids. He was infuriated when I sat at that bloody table for 14 hours straight rather than eat mustard greens; he finally relented when it was either call me in sick for school or let me get up. (I was there for a month and I spent at least 4 nights sitting up all night at that kitchen table. He was a martinet who insisted on being obeyed, and he hated me from that time forward because, as he saw it, I willfully defied him.) My own parents had a completely different rule, they insisted on your eating whatever you put on your own plate, but if you left it in the serving dish it was fine (their issue was wasting food, so they were fine with it being left for someone else to eat.)

 

[DodgerGirl]

When I was a little girl "and still am today" I was a very picky eater and there was two foods I loved to eat and had an obsession with was macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles and if you gave me those foods it made me happy but when we would go to fast food places I wouldn't and still won't today eat cheeseburgers and when I would go to McDonald's I used to eat their hamburgers but i'm not too crazy about them and get Chicken McNuggets instead. Pasta I'll eat but my spaghetti has to have butter and not sauce and I never liked beans and the only beans i'll eat is refried beans. And when we eat Chinese food I have to have white rice and not pork fried rice. And at breakfast I eat cookies more than cereal because that's what I prefer. But now instead of plain fried chicken I like to put Louisiana Hot Sauce on it to give it flavor and that's how I eat chicken now

 

[PollyannaMom]

When I was a little girl "and still am today" I was a very picky eater and there was two foods I loved to eat and had an obsession with was macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles and if you gave me those foods it made me happy but when we would go to fast food places I wouldn't and still won't today eat cheeseburgers and when I would go to McDonald's I used to eat their hamburgers but i'm not too crazy about them and get Chicken McNuggets instead. Pasta I'll eat but my spaghetti has to have butter and not sauce and I never liked beans and the only beans i'll eat is refried beans. And when we eat Chinese food I have to have white rice and not pork fried rice. And at breakfast I eat cookies more than cereal because that's what I prefer. But now instead of plain fried chicken I like to put Louisiana Hot Sauce on it to give it flavor and that's how I eat chicken now

It's great that you expanded your list from the two things you liked when you were little! Do you remember just what circumstances helped you feel comfortable trying new things?

 

[ronandannette]

I didn’t realize how fortunate we were that our only child ate normally. I never had to contend with this issue, nor do I have any valid opinions about those who do. I am curious though, about how parents ensure their kids’ diets are nutritionally sound when they are so restricted, especially the ones that will only tolerate carbs?

 

[PollyannaMom]

I am curious though, about how parents ensure their kids’ diets are nutritionally sound when they are so restricted, especially the ones that will only tolerate carbs?

The family I know with a currently very picky eater does give him vitamins. (But he also likes some meats and usually one vegetable at a time, so it's not quite like the case we're discussing.)

 

[neverlandsky]

Our household was always try it to see like it. If not, that’s ok and always say thank you. Then it was fend for yourself with backup food options at home. Same with cooked meals at home.

We always tried to pick restaurants that have something for everyone. Even though we order individual dishes we tend to eat food and order food family style. We make sure everyone orders something different so if someone didn’t like their dish we could also trade to make sure the kids ate.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Yes to spectrum. I do understand this is normal. But again, spectrum or no, does this child drive the food decisions of a large group?

No. They can sit and wait quietly with some activity while others eat. We get them something to eat before or after that they do like.

 

[NotUrsula]

I didn’t realize how fortunate we were that our only child ate normally. I never had to contend with this issue, nor do I have any valid opinions about those who do. I am curious though, about how parents ensure their kids’ diets are nutritionally sound when they are so restricted, especially the ones that will only tolerate carbs?

For the most part, we don't, at least not in the way I think you mean (as in, being focused on the need to eat a balanced diet). You have to let go of that and focus on just getting adequate calories into them to insure they keep growing.

Almost all of us supplement with vitamins if at all possible, so as to prevent clinical malnutrition. Dairy is a major source of nutrition for most of them, thanks to industrially-produced milk being vitamin-fortified. We also sometimes get sneaky about adding supplements or unusual ingredients to foods, but that is a delicate balancing act; do it wrong and you risk having the child suddenly categorically refuse to eat something that previously was "safe", and avoiding that outcome is often the most compelling issue in getting them fed. (As long as no allergies are present, adding finely-ground nuts to carb-heavy foods is often a very good option.)

In many cases we have our own experiences to follow in terms of knowing that not eating certain things really isn't all that harmful most of the time, and in knowing what is most likely to work in terms of introducing new foods, and we know how to respect aversions without totally throwing our hands up & letting them gorge on sweets. (My DS is chocolate-obsessed, but always understood that it was a treat, & that he wasn't going to be allowed enough of it to slake his hunger on that alone, so he was forced to seek other foods if he didn't want to go hungry.) The key is to let kids' natural curiosity lead them to new foods in their own time; you learn that pushing is counterproductive and usually has worse effects than simply letting them skip things.

Immersion blenders tend to be life-savers; they can obliterate textural issues instantly and easily. Texture is often at the heart of food aversions, so being creative in terms of preparation is also important. (For instance, many of these kids will eat veggies only if left raw or grilled, so sometimes it's as simple as just keeping back a raw portion of something that you would normally cook, or vice-versa.)

 

[Moliphino]

Our household was always try it to see like it. If not, that’s ok and always say thank you.

That might work with neurotypical kids, but for people with autism, ARFID, PDA it can be incredibly difficult. Even as an adult, the more someone pushes me to try something the more likely I am to dig my heels in and refuse. There are some foods I'm just never going to put in my mouth.

 

[mahna2022]

One of my children is a picky eater. The other has ARFID. There is a big difference.

My child with ARFID is in elementary school and has been in intensive feeding therapy since preschool for it. No, this is NOT something he can control; nor can we simply force him to eat something. ARFID is a literal fear of food. My son will either vomit or have a sobbing meltdown if forced to eat a new food or one he is afraid of. He is significantly better than he was when he started treatment, but there is zero way anyone can force a child with ARFID to eat something they don't want to without significant physical and emotional blowback. Even smells can make them vomit.

My other child has several neurodivergences, and they are noticeable. No one makes a peep about those, but I always find that many people have terrible, inexcusable comments about my child with ARFID, which hey, is ALSO in the DSM. We have had to have whole-family meal plans; we have to build our vacations on finding him food - he told me last week that he prefers Disneyland to Disney World, simply because he can find more of his safe foods there. His eating disorder starting in infancy, and I wish this on no one.

As with anything else that one might find "different" to the way they might do things themselves, I would above all encourage people to be kind. We do NOT want this for our child, and he does not want it for himself. It is simply innate to who he is and it is terrible. It is a work in progress, as all of us should be.