Stay at Home Mom vs. Daycare?

[MrsPete]

Did someone say that????

I've seen various studies with results going both directions. Some say that day care kids are better off, others say that at-home kids have an advantage. It depends upon who is doing the study and what they hoped to prove.

I believe the truth is that kids with happy, involved parents are going to be fine either way.

 

[BuckNaked]

I agree that lots of moms try to "guilt" others into thinking as they do -- it's often a sign that that they don't feel too good about thier own choices, and convincing other validates their own choices.

When people say things like "You'll never regret having stayed home", that's an appeal to the emotions. It's right up there with the comment "No one on his death bed ever wished that he had spent more time at work" . . . which is probably true, but I'd be willing to bet that a large number of people on their death beds have wished that they were leaving their wives with a paid-off house, their children with a better college fund, etc. You have to look at the big picture and from every angle -- the decision to stay at home or to work cannot be made from a purely emotional standpoint, nor can it be made from a purely financial standpoint.

Excellent post, and I agree 100%.

I believe the truth is that kids with happy, involved parents are going to be fine either way.

Again, ITA.

 

[MrsPete]

I totally agree with part-time!

Part-time is great in theory, but in reality, I only know one person who has a professional job PART-TIME (and she'd worked at the company for 10+ years, they only offered her part-time so she wouldn't leave altogether -- she was way too valuable to lose). And part-time often means no benefits. Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't do my job JUST for the paycheck; my benefits -- especially my pension -- are worth much more in the long run. Oh, all the parenting magazines tout the idea of job sharing, etc., but in my own life none of my friends have actually been able to FIND such family-friendly jobs. Maybe it's different in other areas.

 

[belle&beast]

Part-time is great in theory, but in reality, I only know one person who has a professional job PART-TIME (and she'd worked at the company for 10+ years, they only offered her part-time so she wouldn't leave altogether -- she was way too valuable to lose). And part-time often means no benefits. Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't do my job JUST for the paycheck; my benefits -- especially my pension -- are worth much more in the long run. Oh, all the parenting magazines tout the idea of job sharing, etc., but in my own life none of my friends have actually been able to FIND such family-friendly jobs. Maybe it's different in other areas.

Well I consider myself to have a professional job- I am a speech pathologist. I also carry the benefits for my family which I receive for working 3 days per week. The OP is a teacher and I also work in the school setting, so it may be very feasible for her.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Well I consider myself to have a professional job- I am a speech pathologist. I also carry the benefits for my family which I receive for working 3 days per week. The OP is a teacher and I also work in the school setting, so it may be very feasible for her.

Mine was too (social work in a hospital setting.) I was able to talk my job down to part time and hire on a student (MSW) who was with us while I was pregnant. It worked out great.

Now I am at home now, but if I went back to work that is what I would do. (work part time.) The positions are out there if you look for them and are more and more available since working part time is a great way to juggle motherhood and career. Especially when you have experience and connections (already having a full time position for years.) I think having a professional job makes it easier actually.

The only benefits I gave up was health insurance, and then I could of paid for part of it if I wanted it. I just received half of my benefits otherwise.

It is something to consider.

 

[MrsPete]

Well I consider myself to have a professional job- I am a speech pathologist. I also carry the benefits for my family which I receive for working 3 days per week. The OP is a teacher and I also work in the school setting, so it may be very feasible for her.

I'm a teacher, and EVERYONE in the schools here is a full-time employee. Speech teachers included; they work one day a week at five different schools. Ditto for the school social worker and a few other people. Our school system's not willing to allow part-timers. Of ALL my friends -- teachers and others -- only one has a professional part-time job -- and her situation's rather unique.

Perhaps it varies from place to place, but part-time work just doesn't look feasible around here. I'm not saying it doesn't sound like a great option -- just that it looks impossible to me.

 

[summerrluvv]

Part time work and paying for child care while you are working those 20 so hours per week, still isn't worth it in most instances. If your kids are in school and you aren't paying childcare, that's different, but to put a baby in childcare part time..it's expensive. Almost as expensive as full time because you are paying for the post.

 

[SDFgirl]

Well I consider myself to have a professional job- I am a speech pathologist. I also carry the benefits for my family which I receive for working 3 days per week. The OP is a teacher and I also work in the school setting, so it may be very feasible for her.

OP here. I truly appreciate everyone's input - and for keeping this thread civil!

My school district does allow job sharing. In fact, I have a teacher friend who is currently on child-rearing leave, and she is constantly mentioning job sharing to me for when she comes back to work in a year or two.

The only thing is - I would receive half my salary (yay!) but no benefits (boo!). Another thing is, my principal frowns on job sharing. We'd have to go to a different school, and I LOVE my school!

Obviously, since I'm not even pregnant yet, there is a lot of time to decide. I guess the whole point of starting this thread was to convince my husband that daycare is a feasible option IF I decide I want to return to work.

 

[Soccermom-Cheri]

I'm going to chime in here as a child who was in day care. My parent's were either in school or worked full-time. When we all got home both of them were tired. They tried their best, I guess, but their energy only went so far and sometimes I felt in the way. I know my mom loved me very much but she wasn't there for me during the day. When I fell down and needed a hug, or when I wanted to show her the picture I colored (kids need that immediate satisfaction), it wasn't mom who was there. The weekend time was great. It just didn't make up for all of the times I called for her and she wasn't there.

I'm not trying to make up anyone's mind. I'm just telling you how one child in day care felt - for a long, long time.

 

[goodeats]

I guess the whole point of starting this thread was to convince my husband that daycare is a feasible option IF I decide I want to return to work.

This seems like a big marriage issue that needs to be worked out before you conceive. To me it just seems disrespectful to say to your husband, I know you'd rather our baby be at home, but I might want to work. It's his baby too.

 

[fabshelly]

While I'd prefer for myself to be a stay at home mom, I think either option is good, depending upon who you are. Definitely not one-size-fits-all.-

 

[Cool-Beans]

Obviously, since I'm not even pregnant yet, there is a lot of time to decide. I guess the whole point of starting this thread was to convince my husband that daycare is a feasible option IF I decide I want to return to work.

This is a personal thing that only you and your husband can work out.

Even if the entire DIS chimed in and said, "Send that kid to day care!" ...it wouldn't matter.

What counts is how YOU both feel about it.

I think you are smart to discuss this with each other now, so that it isn't a problem later.

Good luck!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

First of all, high five to all the participants who have kept this thread positive! So refreshing when discussing this topic!

I agree with everyone who said it's a personal decision and you have to determine what is best for your family.

My first dd was in daycare from about 3 months old, and had a wonderful experience. I'll tell you though, we looked long and hard to find a place we felt comfortable putting her. During some center visits, the teachers would ignore crying babies while talking to us and showing us around, so they were quickly crossed off the list. In the center we chose, someone was always on the carpet interacting with the babies. They didn't even have swings, because the director felt it was too easy to put a baby in one and ignore him.

Some people prefer in-home centers because of the hominess, consistency and sometimes lower caregiver:child ratio. Personally, my dh and I were a little fixated on the neglect/abuse issue, so we preferred the idea of a center, where there is always more than one person in the room, a window in the door and the possibility of the director walking in at any moment, to an in-home center or a nanny. We also preferred our dd to be in a room full of kids her own age, rather than a variety of ages as is usually found in in-home centers, although many feel exactly the opposite. Neither is necessarily better or worse, it's all about your own personal thoughts and preferences.

Yes, I cried the whole way to work that first day I dropped her off. It was very hard to leave her. But you know what? Now, I SAH, my second dd (3.5) recently started preschool, and I cried the first day after dropping her off there, too.

If you have any specific questions, please ask. There are so many things to think about, I can't list them all. It might be helpful to list your (and your dh's) specific concerns, and we can tell you what our experiences have been.

Good luck!

 

[m&m's mom]

I also had a very positive experience w/ daycare.
My 1st DD was born extremely premature. I was the one that had the insurance and there was no way we could live w/out that and I loved my job.
We came up w/ this crazy schedule where my mother would fly in from out-of-state on Tuesday nights. I would work Wed-Fri and the next Mon-Wed and she would fly home Wed after I got off work. The next 2 week session my MiL would come from an hour and a half away and do the same thing.
We did this for 2 years and then put DD in daycare. Our Pediatrician and physical therapist actually encouraged it. It was amazing how quickly she caught up being around other kids all day.
2nd DD was in daycare at 12 weeks.
The daycare both girls were at was down the street from my office. In the morning, me, my DH and 2 DD's would get in the car and drive to downtown Dallas. He would drop me off at my office at one exit, drop DD's off at next exit and his office was the next exit. On Sept 11th we were all together in less than 10 mins. If traffic was bad, we would just stop and have dinner togeter somewhere. That was so nice.
We had a pretty close to ideal situation.
My mother moved here in 2001 and watched both girls until they started school. Again family made everything better.

 

[MELSMICE]

I really think this is something that you & your DH have to decide together. If he doesn't want to go the day care route & you think you want to, then there really are some issues to work out.

That aside, I thought I was going to go back to work after oldest DD was born, however, a few weeks before she was born I told DH that I didn't think I could leave her with someone else.

We found a way to make it work for us so that I could stay home & was a SAHM to all 3 of our DD's. Although this isn't an option for everyone, whether by choice or by circumstance, it is what worked for us.

 

[BuckNaked]

This seems like a big marriage issue that needs to be worked out before you conceive. To me it just seems disrespectful to say to your husband, I know you'd rather our baby be at home, but I might want to work. It's his baby too.

I agree it is a marriage issue to be worked out. However, a wife saying the above to a husband is no more disrespectful than a husband telling a wife "I know you want to continue working, but I want you to stay home with the baby". If he's that set on the baby being home, whether his wife wants to stay home or not, then he should consider quitting work to be a SAHD.

Spousal respect should go both ways, baby or no baby.

 

[*Fantasia*]

Ooohh.. if I was too remarry.. and my husband makes good money and tells me to just stay at home and take care of the kids and the house.. I'm there! I'd be at home and doing just that! I would enjoy my family without any stress from work (stress work.. as in dealing with customers/patients and co-workers/employers).

 

[Planogirl]

Part time work and paying for child care while you are working those 20 so hours per week, still isn't worth it in most instances. If your kids are in school and you aren't paying childcare, that's different, but to put a baby in childcare part time..it's expensive. Almost as expensive as full time because you are paying for the post.

In my case, I also worked three days a week and made enough to cover the childcare and a little extra. I would have placed DS in childcare anyway, at least from toddler age on because we lived in a very rural area and neither of us had much of a chance of social interaction otherwise.

 

[famofsix]

I did not read through the whole thread but I can tell you what helped us decide. For us, we really wanted to find a way to be home with our kids and avoid daycare but not because daycare is bad or anything. When I worked in daycare as a high school and college student, I met many wonderful parents who really loved their kids. I consider myself a pretty loving person and I tried to care for the babies as best as I could. But I always felt kinda bad when little babies had to wait for me if another baby needed attention. The fact that the babies were so scheduled for eating and naps bothered me too. I just felt that as much love as I had to give them that they were not getting all the attention they might get at home with a parent. Giving up my teaching career was hard at first but I learned to use my brain and talents in different ways through volunteerism and getting a masters degree. I miss the money, honestly, but the payback being with the kids means more to me. I really think this is something you need to work out as a couple and if you do decide not to use daycare or outside paid help you just get creative in living within your new means. It is good you are discussing this now before kids so you can work it out. If you do decide to use daycare, remember it takes a lot of research to find the right fit for you and your child.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I have done both. When we had our first son, we both worked FT and I loved my job. Never in a million years would I have thought of quitting my job to stay home! I took 3.5 months maternity leave, then sadly returned to work. I had found a wonderful Montessori school/daycare that had very loving, grandma-types in the infant room, and he was well loved and cared for. We stayed with this same school when our 2nd DS was born, but by then I was bored with my job and had a very hard time leaving the baby to go back to work. However, finances dictated that I must.

We began reviewing our finances to see if there was any way we could make it on one salary, and realized that once our older boy started kindergarten in public school, we'd be able to do it. So a year ago last August I quit my job and became a SAHM.

DS6 is a wonderful, well-adjusted, friendly child who does very well in school and socially, I'm sure in large part to do with the nurturing environment he was in up to that point. DS2 is more affectionate, more dramatic, more physical and less disciplined than his brother was at this age, perhaps due to being out of the very structured environment of the daycare. I schedule playdates and classes with him so that we get out and about, and the house is even more of a wreck than before because we are home most of the day, but he's also a happy, loving, confident little boy.

I am much happier now. I love spending more time with the boys, and I don't miss work at all, though I do miss the adult conversation (both intellectual and purely social.) I am very lucky to have been able to have a career when I wanted it, and to have a DH willing to bear the sole burden of supporting the family when I wanted to stay home.

As long as you choose quality childcare (whether it's a nanny, an in-home or other type of daycare), your child will thrive. But it does all come down to you and your DH. If you stayed home just to please DH, but were miserable, that would not be good for anyone, especially a baby.