Stay at Home Mom vs. Daycare?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

When calculating whether it is worth it work, do not add in diapers or formula. You pay for that whether your work or stay at home. They aren't part of that particular equation.

I wouldn't omit it entirely--many stay at home/working moms opt to nurse. Some who go back to work opt to supplement with formula...

Formula isn't necessarily a budget item for both situations.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think the most important thing is that you and your DH are on the same page with this, before you decide to have a baby. There is no right or wrong, just what is right for you, and your circumstances.

I think what I would be pushing for is a 'wait and see' approach. That you and your DH agree to be open to all options because you don't know how you will feel about it, or even what the financial situation will hold, when the baby is actually here.

So, I think it would be more about discussing not having a rigid approach than which option is 'better'. Because both options can work well.

 

[*Fantasia*]

I would personally wait until the baby is a toddler, when the child can talk and communicate, unless you know someone personally from a day care center.

My son went in when he was about 3.5 and my daughter was less than one. My SIL knew the lady from the day care center and she was confortable with her, so we visited the lady and we agreed that the kids will be fine there. And they were.

I guess I suppose if we didn't know the lady or anyone knew about her, then we would probably would've waited until my daughter was old enough to speak, so this way, if anything happens, she can communicate it with us.

 

[Dina]

I was a high school teacher, and didn't want to give up my job. I was lucky enough that my mom watched my oldest from 5 months (I had my baby in the summer and took off the first semester) until he was 2yo. When I became pregnant with my youngest, my dad retired and they moved to the beach, so her watching them was no longer an option.

I looked around at some daycare facilities, but it wasn't for me. So, I resigned from my position the summer I became pregnant with DS#2. I've been home now for 4 years and love it. I miss my job at times-- I miss it alot, but I think this was the best decision for our family. I'm actually applying to nursing school now because I want a job with more flexibility than I had teaching.

I do get alot of flack from people that my 3yo is home with me (he'll go to pre-k next year). I'm told by my inlaws that my nephew (also 3yo) learns so much more since he's in full time daycare. But, if you decide to stay home there are alot of activities you can do so your child gets to experience things. We have a local MOMS Club with playgroups and field trips that we all go on. Lots of storytimes at book stores and libraries, we do gymnastics and swim lessons at the Y. Either way, your child will be fine-- its a tough decision.

 

[va32h]

I think what I would be pushing for is a 'wait and see' approach. That you and your DH agree to be open to all options because you don't know how you will feel about it, or even what the financial situation will hold, when the baby is actually here.

I have to agree with this.

How you feel when you are thinking about trying to get pregnant is entirely different than how you will feel when the baby is actually here - or when you are actually pregnant.

You have at least a year before you would need to put this theoretical baby in childcare.

Why don't you try living off of just one income for a few months - put your salary entirely into savings. That will give you a taste of what financial life will be like if you are not working.

 

[glass slipper girl]

I agree with those who have said that your feelings may change once baby is here. I have 2 advanced degrees and had to do an additional fellowship following graduate school to be licensed in my choosen profession. I put a lot of time and energy into that and loved what I was doing. I had always had thesort of attitude of that I had worked too long and too hard to get where I was with my career just to quit when I started a family. I would find the best possible care giver for my kids and be the best possible mother I could for them in the non working hours including making sure I hired a cleaning lady so I wouldn't have to spend my weekends cleaning, they could be spent with the kids. I had a job that would have afforded us that luxury. At the time I was making a little bit more than my husband was. We started trying...and trying...and trying...and then trying with fertility treatments and all of that. Three years later we finally got pregnant and had it "stick" (several miscarriages in the process). BY the time my son was born, I couldn't imagine leaving him to go back to work. I had a complicated pregnancy and he was a preemie as a result. The only issue he had was that he had severe reflux but when he would start to reflux he would stop breathing. After about 2 weeks in the NICU they found the right combo of meds, positioning and feeding options that if we did all of that he was fine. If we didn't, back to the same thing. When my maternity leave was coming to an end, he was still having issues and I just could not leave him with someone else and wonder would they add the right amount of rice cereal to his bottle? if they were using milk I pumped for him would they remember you can't add it before you heat the milk and it has to be added then fed ASAP, no sitting and waiting? Would they hold him upright and still for 20-30 minutes after he finished eating before they layed him down again? If they didn't, he might stop breathing so that hit my panic button. At the time we decided I would quit my job and stay home for 6 months to a year and get him over that hurdle. When he was a year old I wasn't ready to go back and we were starting to talk about having another so we started fertility treatments thinking it would take a while...it didn't and I was pregnant again when he was 13 months. We decided I should stay home with DS #2 for at least a year as well. That became stay home till he starts pre-K and then go back to work but hope and pray for a job in the school system so I could have their schedule. Now, our oldest is 6 and in first grade and our youngest is 4.5 and in pre-K so I would have been considering work but SURPRISE! baby #3 is due in 10 days. Now, after nearly 7 years at home (counting the time I was on bedrest with my first pregnancy), I'm still not ready to go back. I've started my own business with a friend who is also a SAHM so we can work from home and that is doing well enough that I anticipate just continuing with that. It isn't nearly the income I had from my professional job but it's enough to give us extra money and fund the extras like vacations and nights out plus help with the bills too. When we factor in daycare for baby #3 and after school/summer/holiday care for the older boys, I don't feel like I'd be making enough extra to make it worth giving up being able to be here and volunteer in their classrooms etc.

I think for me I discovered that I wasn't opposed to staying at home, what I didn't want was for me to be EXPECTED to stay home. If it was my choice, great but I didn't want it to just be what was expected of me.

If you choose to do daycare wether it is because you are going back to work because you HAVE TO in order to feed/clothe/house your family or because working gives you a sense of personal fulfillment that you value, I would bet you find yourself feeling like you are a MOTHER first and foremost and then a/an (insert job title here). As far as an infant in daycare, just really take your time looking and start looking early beacuse the good places fill up fast and often have waiting lists. Don't be afraid to really spend sometime in the center while you are looking, hang out in the infant room for an hour and watch them, see how much they interact with the babies. Don't rule out a home day care either. A lot of my friends who work prefer a home daycare for infants and very young toddlers but then want to switch to a traditional center when they are about 3 for the social interaction and more "schoolish" sort of environment for them. Both of my kids started a 9 am - 1 pm preschool 2 days a week at age 2 for the interaction and exposure to other kids (DS #1 had a speech delay and that was recommended...turned out we LOVED the school and DS #2 is still there in pre-k 5 days a week now so we are on year #5 with a child there now).

GOOD LUCK and don't let the debate (here or "out there") get to you. Do what is best for you and your family. Being a SAHM is great for me, but it's not for everyone for any number of reasons. One of my best friends works and has her DDs in daycare. Both she and her husband individually make MORE than enough to live on one income but she tried staying home and was not happy. She's much happier working and a happy Mom is a better Mom to her kids so her working is what is best for their family. It's not black and white SAHM = good mom, WOHM = bad mom. Far from it. Even the working Moms are still MOMS before anything else and that is all that matters.

 

[castleview]

I do get alot of flack from people that my 3yo is home with me (he'll go to pre-k next year). I'm told by my inlaws that my nephew (also 3yo) learns so much more since he's in full time daycare. But, if you decide to stay home there are alot of activities you can do so your child gets to experience things. We have a local MOMS Club with playgroups and field trips that we all go on. Lots of storytimes at book stores and libraries, we do gymnastics and swim lessons at the Y. Either way, your child will be fine-- its a tough decision.

Don't you love that? When my DD got sick, one working mom friend said "Well, that's because she's not in daycare and she's not building an immunity to germs."

I've got no beef with working moms - some of my friends have jobs that are too good to get rid of and some have situations giving them the best of both worlds. It's whatever works for you and you don't have to knock other people's decisions to justify your own.

I personally love being an at home mom right now which is weird because my own mom HATED being at home.

 

[SDFgirl]

Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies. I am not trying to decide anything right now - l like the "wait and see" approach. I guess I'm just trying to find out what people think of both options.

I guess I'm also trying to convince my DH that working/daycare CAN be an option, because he's totally opposed to it unless we really, really have to for financial reasons.

I, on the other hand, just don't want to rule anything out. I don't know HOW I'll feel when the baby comes. I think I would like to stay home, but who knows how things will pan out later.

 

[DMickey28]

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Can I ask - what numbers did you crunch? I took my total monthly salary and subtracted monthly average daycare costs to figure out what I would bring home if I worked. Are there other costs I should be putting into that equation? Maybe formula?? I am not sure.

I didn't finish reading responses past this, I just wanted to post. I am sure other's have given you guidance!

There are actual website/calculators you can use. What I did was examine my individual job and life.

Salary minus daycare costs, lunch at work costs, morning coffee costs, eating out during the week because we are too tired to cook costs. It comes out to me taking home about $700 per month.

I didn't take into account gas because I don't commute a huge distance and will probably spend the same on gas doing routine errands. I work in a casual work enviroment, I didn't really factor clothing into the equations because I wear the same stuff outside work.

By working on decreasing some of our exsisting bills I can make up half that amount in the next nine months. We are also renting as DH's job moves us around a lot. We are looking at moving to a less expensive area and apartment/house which will gain us much more per month. I feel fairly confident that we can pull it off, at least for me to really find something I want to do rather than just go back to on OK job..

 

[NCRedding]

I had to go back to work when my DD was 7 weeks old. At the time, I was earning substantially more than DH. We had also planned that he would quit his job and go back to school when DD was 1 year old. The first day, I cried all the way back to the office, and had to go put on new make-up.

I will say that our daycare experience was overwelmingly positive. She attended a child care center that limited the care to babies under 2 years old. She had the same two care-givers the whole time she was there. They were both retired grandmothers who could only earn so much before their social security benefits were taxed (this was 14 years ago). They worked alternate days. DD is now 14, and they still stop us in the grocery store when they see us.

She didn't have alot of illnesses--she's probably been to the doctor 10 times during her lifetime for things other than routine check-ups; she has never been hospitalized. She never had diaper rash. She interacts well with others, has no problems sharing (even though she is an only child); she adjusted well to school.

I have absolutely no regrets about our decision to put her in daycare so young.

 

[sha_lyn]

Salary minus daycare costs, lunch at work costs, morning coffee costs, eating out during the week because we are too tired to cook costs. It comes out to me taking home about $700 per month.

According to my cousin, the little expenses really added up. Her husband wondered how they could afford her being at home. When they crunched the numbers they realized how much of her salary went into keeping things so she could work. Even her car insurance dropped a little since she was not traveling 100 miles round trip for work every day.

 

[glass slipper girl]

Things to think about when crunching numbers:

-obviously subtract daycare costs
-gas and maintenance on your car
-clothing
-dry cleaning if you work somewhere where you are wearing non-washables
-the things you buy to wear or use that you wouldn't need if you are at home: stockings, more "upscale" makeup, you can space your haircuts out a bit longer, coffee if you pick that up "out", snacks or lunches you'd buy out
-more dinners in if you are an "eat out for convenience" couple. (this was BIG for us)
-be sure to find a good tax calculator and figure out how your tax bracket is affected by dropping to one income and with an extra dependent. that can make a really big difference and not a lot of people factor in how much more they are paying in taxes.
-be sure you factor in time lost from work as well. Kids in daycare do get more colds etc. than kids who are at home with Mom. Not a slam on daycare, just a fact of life. Figure you may have about 5 days or more off from work with a sick child. You still have to pay daycare cost to keep their spot plus you miss work or you must pay for backup childcare.

 

[becka]

I see this thread is already 5 pages long so I am sure it has gotten nasty but I will try to just put in my 2 cents without reading all of the other posts. For many reasons I did not have the option to stay home with my kids since I was the breadwinner, etc.. and so my kids have been in daycare pretty much their entire lives. We do not have any family closer than 2 hours away so that was not an option either. I actually felt more comfortable with the idea of a daycare center rather than a private daycare arrangement but I know others who feel the opposite. I researched and visited a lot of the centers while I was still pregnant to try to get a good feel where I wanted my DS to go.

DS started going to daycare when he was 12 weeks old. I cried the whole week before I had to go back to work and for a few days after going back to work. It was really hard on me but my DS seemed to adjust just fine. Throughout the years he has continued to go to the same daycare and I have been mostly very pleased with the experience. My son is very confident, happy and curious. He is now 4 and is really blossoming into quite a great little guy. I obviously do not know if that would have been any different if I had been a SAHM but I think he actually has benefited for many of his daycare experiences. He learned things in his 2 year old class that I doubt would even have occurred to me to teach a 2 year old – like all of the names of dinosaurs – not just the easy ones like T-Rex either. He really has such a love of learning and I really attribute some of that to the great teachers he has had at the daycare.

DD started at the same daycare when she was 9 weeks old and while I think it was a bit harder adjustment for her she is now 20 months old and is doing quite well. She loves playing with the other kids and loves art time. She is not quite as confident as my DS was but honestly I don’t know if many kids are near as confident as my DS – in daycare or not. She does not cry when we drop her off but runs inside each day ready to play so I don’t think it is really a bad situation for her at all.

We have been lucky that we found a daycare that works for our kids and that we are comfortable with. I have found the teachers to be very caring and loving towards my kids and my DS still loves to go say Hi to his old teachers. One thing that impressed me the most was that every teacher in the daycare knows my kids’ names even if they are not in their class. They seem to take the time to really learn about each kid – what they like, siblings, etc.. and it makes me feel much better because I think it shows they care. I can see where a bad daycare situation could be very difficult to deal with and hopefully I will never have that problem.

The bottom line is that you have to do what is right for your family. Families are not one size fits all. We all do the best we can. If you do choose daycare then make sure to do your research and find the best fit for you and your child. Daycare is not evil (despite the opinion of some) and I really believe it can have some benefits but there are drawbacks. I have missed many hours of my kids’ life and there are days that makes me very sad. Then again being a SAHM also has drawbacks and benefits. There are some long weekends where my kids are driving me crazy and I can’t imagine being home with them 24/7 without going insane at least a few hours of the day.

 

[Cool-Beans]

There are so many factors to weigh. I have a hard enough time running my own family's life...no way I could decide what was best for someone else's family! Nor would I want the responsibility.

We decided to give day care a go. But I quit it really fast. I couldn't take the kids crying for me when I left. Stood outside the door so that they couldn't see me, and heard my babies crying for me. I'd walk out in tears. Plus, I really liked hanging out with the kids; it was fun for me. DH never liked the idea of day care, I was the one who pushed for it...so when I decided that I didn't like it, that was that.

We managed to scrape by, but it was tough when we were young. DH worked five days a week. I balanced the checkbook once, and we had $.12 (Yup, 12 cents) left after the bills were paid. If the money disappeared tomorrow, I could do it again...but I wouldn't want to. I was so happy with my new husband and babies that I made it through, but there were times (rare, but happened) I just broke down in tears over the money, our crummy neighborhood, and how hard things were.

So, that was my experience. Both options left me in tears sometimes.

I don't know if this helps any, but I guess the moral of my story is do what works for you. And if whatever you decide doesn't work, give the other option a shot. You can always switch back if you want.

Good luck!

 

[CajunDixie]

I haven't read all the other responses but just wanted to add my 2 cents worth. I was a SAHM and I watched our neighbors (the husband was our friend...couldn't stand his wife) child from the time she was 1 week old until she was ready for Kindergarten. With a gap of about 4 months when I got fed up with the mom's lies, constant lateness and her not paying me on time. IF you choose to go back to work don't hold a grudge against the daycare provider if the child behaves better for them or at times wants to be with the daycare provider more than with the parents. Obviously, when you care for a young child day after day and the parents take the child home feed her, give her a bath and put her to bed there's not a lot of bonding. Often on weekends she was rotated around to the grandparents.

That child turned 13 today and her mother still holds a grudge because her daughters like being here while she worked. But those girls are bright, caring kids and I know I played a big part in that so I don't really care how the mom acts toward me now.

You may just have to let your as yet unborn child help you decide. Some kids take to daycare provides while others only want their own parents.

 

[TinkNH]

I didnt read the previous posts...just incase...but heres my .02

You need to do what is right for you and your family. If you need to put your child in daycare..start looking ASAP and find a GREAT one you trust..talk to thje other parents..ect ect and get your name in there, I imagine that the really great ones fill up fast.
If you can afford to stay home (many people find that the cost of daycare is not worth working for, or that the savings on gas, clothing etc not working balances it all out) and you want to stay home, then do.

I was a teacher and was all gungho to return to work after my daughter was born. My mother had retired and was providing free daycare..a blessing. I lost my job and at the time was devastated, i had not planned to stay home with her. But I was unable to find another job..so DH said stay home with DD..and it was a hard adjustment...but now I don't regret a minute of it.

 

[slo]

I haven't read all the posts - sorry, I know you all hearing that .

My youngest DD started daycare at 6 weeks old. I work somewhere with very flexible hours, and thank God, because she was sick all the time - literally every 2 weeks . My Pediatrician even told me that it was good I worked where I work because there aren't to many places that would tolerate me leaving work as often as I did.

I have no regrets because she was with ladies that loved her and took very good care of her. She now doesn't get sick as often because her immune system is stronger, which is a good thing that comes out of daycare . My oldest started daycare at 3 years old and was sick all the time too. Her immune system is so strong now, that she is never sick .

My suggestion to you is to think about your job. Will they tolerate you getting phone calls telling you that your baby has a fever and you need to come get them in an hour? Will your job tolerate you calling off at the last minute because your baby woke up in the middle of the night throwing up? If yes, than go for it. If no, than daycare is not for you.

Good luck - it's a hard decision to make

 

[Ginamarie]

You have to do what YOU are comfortable with. I know in my town there's a special child-care division set up to help people find the right kind of day care for them based on their needs. They actually help moms or soon-to-be-moms explore their options and give them lists of places they should consider.

There are a lot of different child-care options (day care providers, babysitting services, home baby care, etc). A lot of the ones in my area won't take infants under 6 months old. My baby will be 6 months this weekend and has been with me or with friends/family so far. Luckily, I'm self employed, so I get to work with her in the office sometimes, which makes things easier.

I know lots of people who had good daycare experiences and a few who've had bad ones. I think that you need to be vigilant in checking places out and finding one that you can trust. If you look on the internet, you can get checklists with questions to ask prospective day care providers.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Another vote for it can be hard to make plans for a hypothetical baby. Feelings can change once you have him or her in your arms.

I will give you my story though.

I worked part time after my 1st DD was home (after 4 months off.) For the 1st few months I worked 2 1/2 days a week. My mother took one day, MIL another and DH was home on Fridays. This worked out well for us. Part time does really feel like the best of both worlds. I really recommend it if at all possible. I know many teachers job share. She went to a in home day care when she was 7 months old.

When my DD was almost 3 years old I was laid off. I loved my job, but I really always wanted to be at home. I decided it was time to do that. I also found out I was pregnant a few days after my job ended.

I love being at home now.

One thing to consider about day care is illness, it can be hard to find back up when you child is sick. It is so much easier now knowing that I can keep them home and give them mommy love when they are under the weather.

Before having children of my own (and before going to grad school) I spend many years working in preschool's and child care centers. Something I noticed is many times the more hours the child spends at the day care, the more needs and sometimes behavior problems they had. I mean the kids who got there at 7:00 am and left close to 6:00 pm 5 days a week. Then they came home, ate dinner (fast food?) and went to bed. After all they had to wake up at 6:00 am. That just isn't enough parent time and time to unwind. Days cares can be pretty crazy with many other kids and not a lot of individual time. So if you do the day care rote, try to work it out that they don't spend 8 hours a day there if at all possible. (at least not 11 hours a day.) One parent take them in later, one pick them up earlier is something many parents do.

Oh and if you do work, you still can breast feed and pump. I have heard being home for at least 4 months helps to establish your supply.

Also consider how much of yourself you have to give to your career. Mine was rather intense (clinical social work at an inner city outpatient mental health clinic) I loved it, but it really took a lot out of me. It was hard to juggle them both. I think when the children are older I will be ready to go back to work and have more of myself to devote to it.

Best of luck.

 

[kimberlym4]

I did my Master's thesis on child day care. I measured both kids and moms in day care and non-day care situations on a variety of factors. One of the significant findings had to do with mood. I initially checked to see if the day care and non-day care kids differed in regards to depression. Turns out they did not differ. However, the mom's mood was correlated with their child's mood. That is, if mom was depressed so was child - if mom was not depressed then neither was child. Their day care status didn't matter. This implies that if mom is an unhappy SAHM then child may be also unhappy - if she is unhappy at work then child may be also unhappy. This backs up what 90% of the posters so far have said... it's a personal decision about what works best for YOUR family.

Armed with this (and other!) information I felt that I would go back to work after my first child. I picked out the day care center and before my maternity leave ended we even did a "trial day" at the center. Before DD was scheduled to go to day care she spent a week with my mom then a week with my MIL while I went back to work. I cried every day for those 2 weeks. I went in and quit my job before I had to use the day care center. I was lucky that I could do some part time and work from home stuff to still make ends meet. I continued working 2 days per week for the next 10 years until last year when I went back full time. My kids are now 10 and 7. During those 2 days we had an older women come into our home to watch the children. She was fabulous!

Again, as everyone has said (very nicely I might add... we all had to put our away or at least eat it at another thread!), it's an individual decision and you may change it. Good for you for putting thought into it!