I cannot tell you how sorry I feel for you, TP. I've been there and I know how you feel.
Please understand that your faith WILL see you through. I know it did for me. There are two forces on this earth, one that causes things to happen and the other who wants His children to live and prosper. He also watches how we react to situations, whether or not we blame Him or ask Him for help through the trials. Trial always come, no one can stop them, it's how we react through them is where we show ourselves.
We have free will to ask and question, it's our nature and we SHOULD. What we do after we ask is our choice also.
Hold on, honey, and PM me if you need someone to talk to...