Seating for wedding reception question

[kymom99]

I'm still shocked that some families know 350 people to invite! But I digress. I'll never understand "free-for-all" seating at a wedding. I think it's very hurtful for close family to get shut out of "good seats' while drunken co-workers get the good seats. (and if I was a mere co-worker I would never presume to sit up front) Family should always get to sit near the bride/groom. That's why you have seating charts! To make sure the crazy cousins, co-workers, friends, neighbors are placed accordingly. Or if you must have festival seating, give family a heads up so they can grab seats before the cattle-call.

Well in my day…lol…we had receptions in the gym or cafeteria of a church. You had a reserved sign on a couple tables and the rest was open seating. We used those long, cafeteria style tables and those horrid metal folding chairs. And everyone had a great time. I went to a LOT of weddings as a child because my mom came from a huge family and everyone was invited, kids and all. That was common around here in the 70s-80s. My first wedding was in the church undercroft with 250 or so guests. Most were from my family. My ex had a small family. My second wedding was smaller and in a restaurant banquet room with about 75 people. Round tables but still not assigned seating. It’s changed now. Assigned seating is the norm and things are more formal.

 

[TippyThomas]

These types of threads always remind me of the many very basic Mennonite weddings I've attended. I used to think there should be a bit more than what there was but now I see that the other side of the coin really has its drawbacks as well. Op, I hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding and everything works out well.

 

[lifesavacation]

I'm still shocked that some families know 350 people to invite! But I digress. I'll never understand "free-for-all" seating at a wedding. I think it's very hurtful for close family to get shut out of "good seats' while drunken co-workers get the good seats. (and if I was a mere co-worker I would never presume to sit up front) Family should always get to sit near the bride/groom. That's why you have seating charts! To make sure the crazy cousins, co-workers, friends, neighbors are placed accordingly. Or if you must have festival seating, give family a heads up so they can grab seats before the cattle-call.

From my understanding, 100 of the 350 are purely business associates of the mother. They've never met the fiancé nor my son. We spoke to my son and his fiancé and neither want a wedding this large but the mother is paying and that's what she wants. I referenced earlier a conversation my husband had with my son and his fiancé and he told them it doesn't matter what the parents want, they should be doing what they want. That conversation created a huge blowup with the mother.

Someone posted earlier not to vilify the fiancé or her mother. I'm trying really hard not to put this on the fiancé. Feel free to remind me of this if I get off track. It really is her mother that is making all the big decisions.

Not only that, but how do you avoid having lots of odd seats left open all over the place. A family of three might end up at three different tables, or people are pulling over one or two chairs to an already full table so friends/family can sit together. I am perplexed they did not already reach out to you for assistance to help assign seating for your guests.

I got more information last night about the seating. There will be roughly 20 extra seats between all the tables. Can you imagine? People will absolutely be fighting for seats.

I'm trying my best to keep this as non-identifiable as possible. Wish I could share all the details. It's been quite the experience. My MIL and I have really bonded over the antics of the fiancé's mother. That's something good that has come out of it.

 

[lifesavacation]

I was thinking about this thread after I logged off last night, and I have a few thoughts for the OP:

First, your son is marrying into this family. I assume he's thought long and hard about that, he's a grown adult, it's his choice. Okay. Time for him to put his head down and learn to golf.

Second, if he doesn't have the stones to stand up for you on the dance-off thing, he'll never grow them. Ever. You all should be clear-eyed on that.

Third, none of you should think that this nonsense ends with the wedding. Do you think her parents will stand idly by when they buy their first house? Have their first kid? This will be a constant one-up-man-ship game until you're dead. Or the MIL is. She is used to controlling people with money, and it works for her.

His brothers and everyone who is aware of this situation say the exact same thing! Crazy how much this is almost word for word. He will be just like his future FIL. Golfing as much as possible and keeping his head down.

 

[Micca]

May I suggest a tragically unexpected "foot/ankle injury"?

Where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him???

 

[HopperFan]

I think like a lot of family relationships, it's complicated. My son is not OK with all of this but he just wants to get through the wedding and move on. Here's an example, the fiancé wants to have a dance off with me and my son vs her and her dad. She's a professional dancer and has a lot of professional dancer friends that are going to the wedding. My son absolutely does not want to do this any more than I do, but he's not going to say no to her. I would be doing him a favor by refusing (because he doesn't want the drama with the mother) but I don't want to cause issues. Did I mention we are expected to take dance

This is exactly how I feel. I do not want to do it. It's stupid and it feels like they are setting me up to be laughed at. My sister thinks we should do the dance in Pulp Fiction Play by their rules but don't. I think I can pull that off.

It's a catch 22. Defer to the person paying means I'm expected to do a dance off. Even the politest response is going to cause a problem because it's interfering with the bride's and the mother's expectation. They clearly want and expect a dance off. I was going to go with the flow because I didn't want to cause any issues, but you've made me reconsider. If the mother is going to be mad at my effort (you're probably right), then I'd rather her be mad instead that I'm not doing it. At least I won't get laughed at by 315 people.

To me it feels like the mother is trying to hijack my moment with my son. She can't stand that it won't be about her so she's totally trying to take over our moment. And what better way to do that than make me look foolish. Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it. I don't know. It just irritates me.

I don't dance at all. I passionately don't enjoy it. DS isn't married, not even close but I already have nightmares about this. [Doesn't help that he says he wants the Time Warp ] What you are saying they want to do would be a 1000% no from me, not happening, I wouldn't blink with that no. And yes I'd show up in a boot if I had to. I'm thinking because DIL is a professional dancer she of course would think this was fun and unique to weddings but special to her. It probably never crossed her mind that this would be upsetting to someone else to be put in to this position. I absolutely wouldn't worry about the Mom - she'll get over it and it will be in the past (sounds like her personality is ongoing so nothing will stifle that). I would sit the couple down and just tell them that what is being proposed is very stressful for you and it's not something you are comfortable with. All weddings are up for adjustments so let them start the dancing without you. Tell your son you would like a song you all picked to be played later in evening and you two join the dance floor together. Your family might notice you having your special time but honestly it's just for you and your son anyway. The rest will be oblivious.

Changes to tradition are okay. DD insisted that the best man and maid of honor toasts be done at the rehearsal dinner. She didn't trust MIL to not try to hijack the mic at the wedding and speak. So DJ was informed father of bride does his welcome to all and speech, then the mic was locked down from anyone else. No one noticed and it worked out just fine.

From my understanding, 100 of the 350 are purely business associates of the mother. They've never met the fiancé nor my son. We spoke to my son and his fiancé and neither want a wedding this large but the mother is paying and that's what she wants. I referenced earlier a conversation my husband had with my son and his fiancé and he told them it doesn't matter what the parents want, they should be doing what they want. That conversation created a huge blowup with the mother.

Someone posted earlier not to vilify the fiancé or her mother. I'm trying really hard not to put this on the fiancé. Feel free to remind me of this if I get off track. It really is her mother that is making all the big decisions.

I got more information last night about the seating. There will be roughly 20 extra seats between all the tables. Can you imagine? People will absolutely be fighting for seats.

I'm trying my best to keep this as non-identifiable as possible. Wish I could share all the details. It's been quite the experience. My MIL and I have really bonded over the antics of the fiancé's mother. That's something good that has come out of it.

On a positive note it sounds like DIL is more like your thought process than her Mom's, that is a good thing. She has grown up with her Mom and likely finds some things just easier to go along with and then like all weddings, it will be in the past. Hopefully they find a way to balance the important things in life to reflect what their needs and desires are.

 

[Lilsia]

It seems to me the bride's family has done their part deferring to the groom's family on the rehearsal dinner b/c the groom's family is paying. So, both sides may be grumbling, but both sides are adapting.

I think your son and his bride will have a wonderful, wonderful marriage. It sounds like they have 2 different family types to draw on to make the best of both worlds in theirs. That's been the experience of my marriage, and it could not have been better.

So my final advice - please take a step back, don't take requests personally - they probably aren't personal (and just decline them politely), and decide to "go along to get along" this wedding.

PS - And we had no son/mom dance at my wedding b/c the mom didn't want one. And that was just fine and no one batted an eye. My dad/daughter dance was only one verse and then we had the wedding party join b/c they wanted to dance more than anyone else did (my dad also was not a spotlight lover)...

I don't see as not having all 300+ guests at the rehearsal dinner as "deferring the groom's family". That is just insane, like having another wedding dinner. You sound like you are related to the bride's family. LOL

 

[Lilsia]

His brothers and everyone who is aware of this situation say the exact same thing! Crazy how much this is almost word for word. He will be just like his future FIL. Golfing as much as possible and keeping his head down.

I find that to be sad. Now, I am all for taking one for the team and letting stuff go that doesn't really matter. And maybe because I have such an amazing husband but grew up with a very controlling father, that the husband can defer to his wife on certain things. But the whole situation about the dance off is something that I feel like he should put his foot down on. This just seems malicious and I can't go for that.

 

[_19disnA]

But the whole situation about the dance off is something that I feel like he should put his foot down on. These just seems malicious and I can't go for that.

I agree, this is a wedding reception not some kind of reality show. Turning it into a contest makes it sound like they want to have 'winners' & 'losers' and just seems inappropriate to me.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I don't dance at all. I passionately don't enjoy it. DS isn't married, not even close but I already have nightmares about this. [Doesn't help that he says he wants the Time Warp ] What you are saying they want to do would be a 1000% no from me, not happening, I wouldn't blink with that no. And yes I'd show up in a boot if I had to. I'm thinking because DIL is a professional dancer she of course would think this was fun and unique to weddings but special to her. It probably never crossed her mind that this would be upsetting to someone else to be put in to this position. I absolutely wouldn't worry about the Mom - she'll get over it and it will be in the past (sounds like her personality is ongoing so nothing will stifle that). I would sit the couple down and just tell them that what is being proposed is very stressful for you and it's not something you are comfortable with. All weddings are up for adjustments so let them start the dancing without you. Tell your son you would like a song you all picked to be played later in evening and you two join the dance floor together. Your family might notice you having your special time but honestly it's just for you and your son anyway. The rest will be oblivious.

Changes to tradition are okay. DD insisted that the best man and maid of honor toasts be done at the rehearsal dinner. She didn't trust MIL to not try to hijack the mic at the wedding and speak. So DJ was informed father of bride does his welcome to all and speech, then the mic was locked down from anyone else. No one noticed and it worked out just fine.




On a positive note it sounds like DIL is more like your thought process than her Mom's, that is a good thing. She has grown up with her Mom and likely finds some things just easier to go along with and then like all weddings, it will be in the past. Hopefully they find a way to balance the important things in life to reflect what their needs and desires are.

The Time Warp could be fun! Not as a mother/son dance, but in a group--fabulous! You could be in the back. Way back. No, further. Like, in another room! Everyone would want to join in (and nobody would notice if you casually went to the restroom). Do something short and slow for mother/son--really, you just want the photo-op, and a chance to tell him how handsome he looks and how proud you are.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I don't see as not having all 300+ guests at the rehearsal dinner as "deferring the groom's family". That is just insane, like having another wedding dinner. You sound like you are related to the bride's family. LOL

Nope, I just know what's important in life.

Getting my way at a wedding that I'm not getting married in and not paying for - not high on the list of priorities.

Making my child and his/her future spouse happy and calm on his/her own wedding day - priceless.

Weddings are a stressful and drama-filled experience. I've been to enough of all types (dry, open bar, unhappy parent divorcees co-hosting, big, lopsided, formal, not formal, etc). Whatever can be done to keep drama and stress at a low level will be appreciated by the wedding couple long after the wedding is over.

Thus, why my advice was to say no to the dance. It was gonna cause drama from someone at the event no matter how it turned out...thus, better to just get the drama out of the way now when it doesn't matter as much and things can still be changed.

 

[Micca]

Found the invitation for the rehearsal dinner

 

[mamamia2005]

I would definitely insist on assigned seating. I wouldn't ask for it to just be your people seated together, otherwise I think there could be a real danger of them being seated in the cheap seats at the back. Maybe suggest mixed seating from both sides so the good seats have people from both families. Here in the UK, we would tend to seat one of the brides parents siblings (and family if they had younger children) with one of the grooms parents siblings and family together. So Aunties and Uncles from both sides mixed. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Lilsia]

Nope, I just know what's important in life.

Getting my way at a wedding that I'm not getting married in and not paying for - not high on the list of priorities.

Making my child and his/her future spouse happy and calm on his/her own wedding day - priceless.

Weddings are a stressful and drama-filled experience. I've been to enough of all types (dry, open bar, unhappy parent divorcees co-hosting, big, lopsided, formal, not formal, etc). Whatever can be done to keep drama and stress at a low level will be appreciated by the wedding couple long after the wedding is over.

Thus, why my advice was to say no to the dance. It was gonna cause drama from someone at the event no matter how it turned out...thus, better to just get the drama out of the way now when it doesn't matter as much and things can still be changed.

It is not about "getting her way". Have you read what the OP has written? I don't see what the OP wants as causing drama or unreasonable at all. Making sure that your family has a place to sit together and not doing some dance off, meant to humiliate her, are not unreasonable. And the only person causing drama for these very legitimate concerns, is the bride's family. What exactly about those 2 request are even close to "getting your way"? These are completely normal wedding situations. And I don't agree with the whole, "I am paying for it so I am the only one to get an opinion". If you are gifting your child money for their wedding, that does not mean that you get to decide everything, it is a gift. Do you give someone money for their birthday and then tell them what they should spend it on? And why should there be drama over these two things? Why is the bride's family causing the drama? And yet you are telling the OP to "not cause drama". The drama is on the bride's side, not the OP. She has every right to want to have family sit together and every right to not do a dance off. Standing up for yourself and your family is not causing drama.

 

[TwoMisfits]

It is not about "getting her way". Have you read what the OP has written? I don't see what the OP wants as causing drama or unreasonable at all. Making sure that your family has a place to sit together and not doing some dance off, meant to humiliate her, are not unreasonable. And the only person causing drama for these very legitimate concerns, is the bride's family. What exactly about those 2 request are even close to "getting your way"? These are completely normal wedding situations. And I don't agree with the whole, "I am paying for it so I am the only one to get an opinion". If you are gifting your child money for their wedding, that does not mean that you get to decide everything, it is a gift. Do you give someone money for their birthday and then tell them what they should spend it on? And why should there be drama over these two things? Why is the bride's family causing the drama? And yet you are telling the OP to "not cause drama". The drama is on the bride's side, not the OP. She has every right to want to have family sit together and every right to not do a dance off. Standing up for yourself and your family is not causing drama.

As mentioned, the groom's family WAS ASKED by the bride's family if they want assigned seats aka from the FIRST POST "I've been asked if we want to do a seating arrangement for just our side or let it be open seating." - so the answer should be yes, assigned seating. No on the day drama.

As mentioned, she can still decline the dance. And I suggested she should. No on the day drama.

The bride's family isn't causing any more drama than the groom's. Rather, this seems like a "difference in wedding celebration" ideas and scope. That happens ALL the time in weddings, especially when you have mixes of families that come from different cultures, family sizes, areas of the country, drinking habits, etc.

So, when you have a difference, you defer when it's not your money, and leave it to your "actually getting married" child to decide what he does and doesn't want to live with on the day. It's him (and the bride) who will get all the feedback on how it goes.

 

[ronandannette]

It is not about "getting her way". Have you read what the OP has written? I don't see what the OP wants as causing drama or unreasonable at all. Making sure that your family has a place to sit together and not doing some dance off, meant to humiliate her, are not unreasonable. And the only person causing drama for these very legitimate concerns, is the bride's family. What exactly about those 2 request are even close to "getting your way"? These are completely normal wedding situations. And I don't agree with the whole, "I am paying for it so I am the only one to get an opinion". If you are gifting your child money for their wedding, that does not mean that you get to decide everything, it is a gift. Do you give someone money for their birthday and then tell them what they should spend it on? And why should there be drama over these two things? Why is the bride's family causing the drama? And yet you are telling the OP to "not cause drama". The drama is on the bride's side, not the OP. She has every right to want to have family sit together and every right to not do a dance off. Standing up for yourself and your family is not causing drama.

I think you may be the one losing the plot a little here. The OP herself never said she read anything malicious into the dance nonsense, just that she didn’t want to do it and in no way would she and her son keep up with the bride and her father. She did mention dreading being laughed at, but not in context of believing it was a set-up. Also remember that purposely “humiliating” the OP also means targeting the groom for humiliation and I think that’s pretty implausible.

If we have to read anything into it, the far more obvious assumption is that the dance is 100% all about the bride getting attention (maybe egged on by her mother). The OP is just a prop, not a target. The other family seems way too self-centred to even realize how others are being affected and they don’t care.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Op I read this thread with great sympathy for the unfairness to you but was not going to respond as most have already said what I am thinking. However, this dance competition has really touched a nerve in me. Does your son think this is okay or is he afraid to speak up? No, just no! That would be my answer to your narcissistic future dil. The end! There is no way that anyone, let alone someone who is 20 plus years older, will ever compete with a professional dancer no matter how many lessons they take. She knows this and is using her own wedding to make herself shine at your expense, the mother of the man she professes to love. If she wants a competition she can compete against her own mother during the wedding but not when it is YOUR moment to dance with your son who you devoted your life in raising. And, for what its worth your son is not totally blameless for the situation you have been put in no matter who is paying for said wedding. That includes your wedding invites getting cut to 37 versus theirs at 300 plus because the bride's parents are paying for the wedding but then they expected you to pay for their 300 plus guests at the rehearsal dinner! Crazy expectations!

Sorry to say but if your son does not find his voice (and fast) there is not enough golf in the world to make his future more bearable with the wife/inlaws.

 

[mom2rtk]

May I suggest a tragically unexpected "foot/ankle injury"?

For real. Not even kidding.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sorry to say but if your son does not find his voice (and fast) there is not enough golf in the world to make his future more bearable with the wife/inlaws

I'm guessing if they made it to the marriage part he's already well aware of how his future in-laws will be. If it ends up sorta being a mistake getting married so be it but I think it's strange to assume he's completely unaware of how it is or that he needs to just suddenly find his voice...now...when he's getting married..he should have found his voice long ago lol. That he's taken a backseat tells me that's his way of it. The couple here getting married are probably swamped from hearing it on all sides. Sometimes that gets lost in the fray.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If we have to read anything into it, the far more obvious assumption is that the dance is 100% all about the bride getting attention (maybe egged on by her mother).

Agreed and I think the fact that the bride is a professional dancer and her professional dancer friends are going to be at the wedding means IMO it's really more of a case of them being able to show off their skills.

In what may be an ironic twist it's possible they didn't want the OP to feel left out and thought to include her not realizing that well if you're a professional dancer it may be sorta a gauche thing to do to ask/impose a dance off (although kinda strange unless you know all parties are into it to broach the subject of a dance off irrespective of professional or not but yeah). If they want to show off they could just do their own choregraphed dance by themselves which is not all that uncommon these days really so I get the OP's reluctance there but I'm also not convinced it was suggested to be able to sneer and gossip about the OP on a personal level.

It does remind me of a personal situation. Apparently this person was just an amazing cake cutter, no really just the best cake cutter, and you don't want anyone else doing your cake cutting but her. Really no one else. Did I mention she's a really good cake cutter and you don't want anyone else doing it?? Had to listen to that many times through 2 weddings and months of planning for each one. It was one of the strangest flexes I've seen. And I'm secretly glad it was long after we got married as it would have been met with a polite "oh thank you for saying that but we've got it covered, appreciate the thought though!"