Seating for wedding reception question

[🍀TwinsMom]

Yeah, I am not ever doing a dance off and lessons so I can look less stupid as they dance circles around my middle-aged ***. Just me.

 

[Southernmiss]

Yes! Reserve tables for 40 people.

Our son's reception had 300 invited guests. The venue had seating but not enough for 250 plus guests.

There were high top standing only tables.

After we got there (after pictures) I was so disheartened to see my fil at a high top table instead of seated.

I asked the venue about more chairs and tables, but they were all out.

I still regret not reserving tables for grandparents on our side.

 

[Jennasis]

I appreciate that. The issues won't be resolved, but we will still enjoy the wedding.



I think like a lot of family relationships, it's complicated. My son is not OK with all of this but he just wants to get through the wedding and move on. Here's an example, the fiancé wants to have a dance off with me and my son vs her and her dad. She's a professional dancer and has a lot of professional dancer friends that are going to the wedding. My son absolutely does not want to do this any more than I do, but he's not going to say no to her. I would be doing him a favor by refusing (because he doesn't want the drama with the mother) but I don't want to cause issues. Did I mention we are expected to take dance lessons for this performance? Ugh!

May I suggest a tragically unexpected "foot/ankle injury"?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think it comes down to my son feeling like he doesn't have a say because he is not paying for the wedding. So it's all being done by the bride and her mother. At one point early on, my husband told my son and his fiancé that it didn't matter what either of the parents want. That the wedding needs to be about the two of them only. The fiancé told her mother this and she got very very offended. I'm not sure what's so controversial about that but she is adamant that if she pays, she decides. This is her wedding as much as her daughter's. And to be truly honest with everyone, I see the mother's point. If my son cares about the wedding, he should pay for it himself. I'm not one that would ever give money with those expectations.

And with that, we will show up and enjoy ourselves even if we are stuck in the very back I will take the dumb dance lessons and participate in a dance off even though it should be 2 minutes of the wedding that is about my son and me.

This is all why I've always been more about couples paying for it themselves. And I've been a lot less for parents being like "I'm paying for it so I get to decide". I've often been the odd one out though on wedding opinions on the DIS. I'm much more about what the couple wants.

I do feel for you and I think the fact that you're powering through it with your last part of your comment means you're coming from a good place with good intentions for the future

 

[Suzabella]

The father-of-the-bride is working another 2 years past retirement to pay for the wedding. Everything must be perfect for the bride and her mother. They threw a huge tantrum when we said we'd only give 5k towards the rehearsal dinner. They wanted all 350 people invited.

I had this happen also. We gave the couple a budget for rehearsal and told them that it was also covering the honeymoon. They could spend the money how they wanted - big rehearsal and simple honeymoon or small rehearsal and elaborate honeymoon. What they didn't spend, we'd give them in cash for spending money on their trip.

They opted for a trip to Atlantis and a small rehearsal dinner. I cut them a check for the difference after I booked their trip.

The Monday before the wedding, the bride's mom called and said she'd invited all their out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. A majority of their guest list was out of towners. I told her that was a problem and explained to her the arrangement we'd made with the happy couple. She asked what she was supposed to do and I said, call them back and tell them the reservation is already set in cement for 15 people but that if their guests wanted to meet them at the restaurant bar afterwards that was up to her. She was not happy. My son was. She'd been planning 'her' perfect wedding and not theirs. At one point they nearly eloped.

We were also only about 50 people of a gathering of 250. A live band of 8 and an open bar. It was great but man....I was never so happy that I'd had boys.

I'll tell you what my sister told me; wear beige and grin, bear it. Best of luck!!

 

[unrequited23]

May I suggest a tragically unexpected "foot/ankle injury"?

OP, I'll ship you my walking boot if you want to go this route

 

[lifesavacation]

Yeah, I am not ever doing a dance off and lessons so I can look less stupid as they dance circles around my middle-aged ***. Just me.

This is exactly how I feel. I do not want to do it. It's stupid and it feels like they are setting me up to be laughed at. My sister thinks we should do the dance in Pulp Fiction Play by their rules but don't. I think I can pull that off.

 

[LSUmiss]

I appreciate that. The issues won't be resolved, but we will still enjoy the wedding.



I think like a lot of family relationships, it's complicated. My son is not OK with all of this but he just wants to get through the wedding and move on. Here's an example, the fiancé wants to have a dance off with me and my son vs her and her dad. She's a professional dancer and has a lot of professional dancer friends that are going to the wedding. My son absolutely does not want to do this any more than I do, but he's not going to say no to her. I would be doing him a favor by refusing (because he doesn't want the drama with the mother) but I don't want to cause issues. Did I mention we are expected to take dance lessons for this performance? Ugh!

Omg! At this point, I’d be more worried about their marriage than the wedding.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Your son's future soon to be in-laws sound like a bunch of whackos.

 

[lifesavacation]

Your son's future soon to be in-laws sound like a bunch of whackos.

I think the soon to be father-in-law is an alright guy. He just keeps his head down and golfs a lot

 

[TwoMisfits]

I have learned with weddings.

Defer to the person paying. If you want it done differently, pay for it yourself. If you don't want to pay, thank the host graciously and tell them how wonderful it is, while waiting until you're home and in private to download your real thoughts to your spouse (who can't rat you out).

Demur on all requests if you don't want to do them. There's no reason for you to be angry about the dance and then have the host be angry at the effort in the dance. Just make yourself happy at least - there's less drama.

If you need an excuse - "I'm sorry, I have performance anxiety/agita and really just want to stay in the background and enjoy the wonderful event you are hosting. Thank you for trying to include me, but I really must pass on all requests. Thank you for understanding."

PS - And have set seats for your side of the family.

 

[KayMichigan]

Yeah, reserved tables for sure.

And honestly, I doubt this sort of thing is going to stop with the wedding. This is simply a preview of what life will be like once they're married and she and her parents are part of your family.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Several things came to mind.

1. People like to know where to go/where to sit so reserved tables for sure. This shouldn't even be a question at a wedding with 350 guests. I do placecards for Thanksgiving dinner LOL.

2. Your son is in for a rough road. I can't even imagine having railroaded my now husband and disregarding his family during the wedding planning like this. She clearly doesn't care much for his input which doesn't bode well. It was our wedding. Not my wedding. And certainly not mine and my mother's wedding?!?!?!

3. We were grateful that although we were adults, our sets of parents each contributed a bit to our wedding, but if any of it came with conditions that we weren't comfortable with it would have been "thank you but no thank you". Again, this isn't a great sign for where their relationship is headed and God help you if/when there are grandchildren.

Best of luck!

 

[Pooh2]

Reserve those tables!!
We had a similar experience at our son's wedding, we had about 10 percent of the guests.
But we had our closest friends with us to celebrate so we made our own fun!
PS. Good luck when the grandkids start to come!

 

[focusondisney]

Omg! At this point, I’d be more worried about their marriage than the wedding.

Exactly what I was thinking! Like another poster said, it doesn’t seem like the bride has much regard for her fiancé’s feelings. She seems more worried about making her mother happy than she does her future husband. But if her father “keeps his head down” & let’s his wife run their lives, I guess it’s how she learned marriages are supposed to work. And how the groom can expect his life to go. Good luck to them.

 

[_19disnA]

What does your son and his bride prefer?

I agree, if your son (the groom) doesn't speak up since it is also HIS wedding, just imagine how things are going to go in the future when the in-laws think they can dictate how everything else will go. At some point you need to speak up or likely you will get run over for every future holiday/family gathering. You might find once you and/or your son stands up to the future in-laws, they may start to realize they don't get to dictate how everything will go. Perhaps they are just socially inept or don't have much experience in wedding planning. Pushy people tend to back down once they realize they can't run over others. Not speaking up in the interest of avoiding friction probably doesn't resolve anything and might make it worse in the future.

Mixing your friends/relatives in with others at the reception is the way I would do it. No one wants to feel left out and stuck by themselves at some table at the back of the room. Most who attend a wedding enjoy making small talk with others they have just met. As someone else mentioned, you don't want the awkward situation where a couple has to split up and sit at separate tables just because those are the only remaining seats available. It is also likely none of the other people attending would know about the friction already going on. Having everyone assigned to numbered table gives people a chance to mingle and meet others they may not know regardless of which side of the family they are from. We have attended weddings where we sat with others we didn't know and it worked out fine. Simple things you have in common (i.e. pets, small children, grown children, hobbies, etc.) can be used to setup the table groupings without being overly complicated. Assigned tables means there is a place for everyone regardless of when they arrive at the reception.

 

[lifesavacation]

I have learned with weddings.

Defer to the person paying. If you want it done differently, pay for it yourself. If you don't want to pay, thank the host graciously and tell them how wonderful it is, while waiting until you're home and in private to download your real thoughts to your spouse (who can't rat you out).

Demur on all requests if you don't want to do them. There's no reason for you to be angry about the dance and then have the host be angry at the effort in the dance. Just make yourself happy at least - there's less drama.

If you need an excuse - "I'm sorry, I have performance anxiety/agita and really just want to stay in the background and enjoy the wonderful event you are hosting. Thank you for trying to include me, but I really must pass on all requests. Thank you for understanding."

PS - And have set seats for your side of the family.

It's a catch 22. Defer to the person paying means I'm expected to do a dance off. Even the politest response is going to cause a problem because it's interfering with the bride's and the mother's expectation. They clearly want and expect a dance off. I was going to go with the flow because I didn't want to cause any issues, but you've made me reconsider. If the mother is going to be mad at my effort (you're probably right), then I'd rather her be mad instead that I'm not doing it. At least I won't get laughed at by 315 people.

Several things came to mind.

1. People like to know where to go/where to sit so reserved tables for sure. This shouldn't even be a question at a wedding with 350 guests. I do placecards for Thanksgiving dinner LOL.

2. Your son is in for a rough road. I can't even imagine having railroaded my now husband and disregarding his family during the wedding planning like this. She clearly doesn't care much for his input which doesn't bode well. It was our wedding. Not my wedding. And certainly not mine and my mother's wedding?!?!?!

3. We were grateful that although we were adults, our sets of parents each contributed a bit to our wedding, but if any of it came with conditions that we weren't comfortable it would have been "thank you but no thank you". Again, this isn't a great sign for where their relationship is headed and God help you if/when there are grandchildren.

Best of luck!

We already know what this means for future grandkids. We were sad about it at first and have come to accept that there's really nothing we can do except try and remain friendly and open to a relationship. Thankfully, we have two other sons who are in serious relationships and we love their families. We get together regularly with their parents and it's really nice.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

We already know what this means for future grandkids. We were sad about it at first and have come to accept that there's really nothing we can do except try and remain friendly and open to a relationship. Thankfully, we have two other sons who are in serious relationships and we love their families. We get together regularly with their parents and it's really nice.

I'm truly sorry this is what your son has chosen for his future. I hope you can enjoy the day and that there is some salvageable relationship at the end of this selfish disaster.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

We already know what this means for future grandkids. We were sad about it at first and have come to accept that there's really nothing we can do except try and remain friendly and open to a relationship. Thankfully, we have two other sons who are in serious relationships and we love their families. We get together regularly with their parents and it's really nice.

Also, I'm sorry. I didn't mean my comments to be glib or hurtful. I'm sure it is a very difficult situation and it doesn't feel great to be left out of the planning or not really given any consideration. You have a great attitude and hopefully after the wedding planning things come back around a little bit for you. I hope my comments didn't make you feel any worse than I'm sure you already feel.

 

[ncc1701]

I can't imagine a Wedding Reception of that size that doesn't have some sort of assigned seating. Having family members sit together is not unusual. Last thing the reception location wants is people wander around looking for seats. FWIW being in the back away from the band/music can be a blessing in disguise.