SAHM Help!

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Honestly, I don't know how SAHMs do it. I was off and home for ten days around Christmas and my children and house drove me up the wall. I was so happy to see my desk this week! But I've always known I'd be a poor SAHM - it certainly doesn't seem to be my calling (though I certainly don't look down on anyone whose calling it is).

And see totally agree and I feel the same way but because I am the exact opposite of you. I am so sad at the end of vacation, I miss them so much when they go back. I love summer when I have them all to myself for 2 months. I hate the heat but I love summer just cause of that. I look forward to their days off more then they do and a snow day??? They are rare but when we get one I am jumping up and down right along with them. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer for anyone on what they "should" do, but just as it is not in you to be at home all day, it is who I am. It is partly a job to me, and I run it that way cause I need to for organization and savings purposes, but really, it is who I am inside (if that makes sense.)

My DH is just like you. He works a lot but when he gets a whole weekend off, by Monday he is so happy to get back to work. He says I must be crazy to want to be at home full time.

 

[DawnM]

It has taken me FOUR YEARS to get used to it! Seriously! I used to cry about it. But, DH and the kids had been begging me to stay at home. I finally relented but was miserable for a while.

Now I know that even when I miss working (and I do!), I am doing the right thing for my family. They want it this way and they are happier when I am home and homeschooling.

I am not always a *good* SAHM.....I get frustrated and the kids drive me crazy and I get cabin fever, etc.....that is just life.

Dawn

Honestly, I don't know how SAHMs do it. I was off and home for ten days around Christmas and my children and house drove me up the wall. I was so happy to see my desk this week! But I've always known I'd be a poor SAHM - it certainly doesn't seem to be my calling (though I certainly don't look down on anyone whose calling it is).

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hmmm...

I feel guilty--so I kind of gave up my things...sort of...

I kept my kids activities, so I am working on trimming the grocery budget, watching how much gas I burn in my van (hypermiling)--you know...apply frugal tips where I can. I still have a long way to go, but it helps.

My husband is on a bowling league through work. However, they have enough team members that they can rotate. So he doesn't have to go all the time--saves money! He still gets to bowl some of the time and he is happy. Next sign up--find a cheaper league! Leagues come in all price ranges--if he's on the fancy big jackpot league, knock him down to the t-shirt league. Just b/c you feel he has worked hard for it, doesn't justify him wasting money that isn't there if you are tight.

I do enjoy staying home. There are costs to when mom is working (or dad as it applies). I wanted a part time gig, but it is no go right now especially since my pump broke and I nurse my little one. Maybe one day.

We have seasons in life--nothing is forever, I can choose to feel guilty or I can be proactive and look for ways to pinch a penny to keep my family afloat.

We are actually now 1 paycheck ahead of ourselves. We still have credit card debt to clear up from our transition--but we are 1 paycheck ahead of ourselves. Most of one paycheck is sitting in an account waiting for the 1-15 of the month transactions to hit as they come and payday arrived today and that check is for the 16-31.

I have been a SAHM for 10 years and have felt like I am flying by the seat of my pants most of the time. It isn't something one takes to easily the first day. There is much learning going on. Short of being married to Donald Trump--it takes work to do without.

I also homeschool my children, so my SAHM experience will be different than the family that doesn't.

And I'm no June Cleaver.

 

[burnsoc]

I'm a SAHD to three kids 6,3 and 1. I'm very impressed with the advice from the SAHM's on this board. I had a good career before kids, but my wife's was better. So purely from a financial reason I'm staying home with the kids. One thing that stood out to me in your original post was stating that while looking at your finances and discretionary spending, your husbands bowling night stood out more to you than the lunches and jumpy places. Everybody needs a little down time for sanity. So whatever his budget for bowling is per month, allow yourself the same for your own sanity to avoid any jealousy. I find that what I want is time for myself, without spending any money. Just quiet is nice. I agree with others to avoid the mall. While it may seem an easy place to spend a couple of hours, it is also an easy place to spend a couple of dollars. Where I will disagree with some of the posters is about vacation. I put a high value on our time to vacation together as a family. We're not getting these years back so I'd rather cut back in other areas to have those great memories. As a SAHM you don't have to worry about your husbands guilt at working full time, but I have to deal with my wife's feelings of guilt on a daily basis. Having a family vacation with the memories, photos and videos goes a long way to making her feel less guilty. Everybody has to decide what's most important to their family, and what I see is that you and your DH have empathy towards each other. That makes a strong team. Good Luck!

 

[lattemomof3]

SAHM here! I think I may be in the minority, but no guilt here.

I do substitute teach at the local schools when they need me, but really have no permanent job outside the house. It is great for me because it gets me out of the house when I want, the pay iis great, ad I am home when the kids are.

We have three kids ages 14, 12, and 9. I have now been a SAHM for the whole time and can't imagine it any other way.

Neither can my dh. It honestly makes our lives so much easier and calmer. I take care of most of the stuff at home so his nights and weekends are free for just family time. He coaches all our kids sports teams and is able to do that because stuff at home is taken care of.

I know everyone is different, but we know that our lives would a lot more rushed and chaotic if we both worked full time. We don't want that and have found that this partnership works great for both our marriage and our family.

I know other people would go insane this way and respect that.
But to answer your question....no guilt because we both feel that I am contributing to our family in a way that makes sense for us.

The subbing helps pay for extras, but me being at home pays for our sanity.:

Don't worry about feeling guilty, just figure out what works for you guys. maybe a small pt time job would work for you. Or cutting the food budget a little? There are many ways we all contribute to a family...no need to feel guilty.

exactly this - all of it!

 

[MinnieGi]

OP - When my kids were in preschool I too used to think the days were long till DH got home, now that they are both full day and have activities in the evening my day goes TOO fast and they're home waiting to be shuttled!! Just saying like seasons, "this too shall pass."

I was glad to hear you belong to a mom's group that was and still is a life-saver for me. Even though my kids are gone full day I still meet for coffee with these mom's at least once a month and we do mom's night also once a month. When my kids were younger we did lots of afternoon playdates and groups for those kids who didn't nap so I always looked forward to those.

Believe me even though I've been a sahm for 10 years now we still have financial ups and downs. I've found the kids have gotten WAY more expensive as they've gotten older b/c sports teams, music lessons, & activities cost way more than their little once a week preschool activities and mom's group outings. Anyway just wanted to throw that out there that we are always revamping our budget.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

OP - When my kids were in preschool I too used to think the days were long till DH got home, now that they are both full day and have activities in the evening my day goes TOO fast and they're home waiting to be shuttled!! Just saying like seasons, "this too shall pass."

I was glad to hear you belong to a mom's group that was and still is a life-saver for me. Even though my kids are gone full day I still meet for coffee with these mom's at least once a month and we do mom's night also once a month. When my kids were younger we did lots of afternoon playdates and groups for those kids who didn't nap so I always looked forward to those.

Believe me even though I've been a sahm for 10 years now we still have financial ups and downs. I've found the kids have gotten WAY more expensive as they've gotten older b/c sports teams, music lessons, & activities cost way more than their little once a week preschool activities and mom's group outings. Anyway just wanted to throw that out there that we are always revamping our budget.

Oh my gosh so true. The days get away from me so fast. By the time the youngest leaves, and I start my tasks for the day, and the oldest gets home it feels like no time at all.

And they do get so much mroe expensive. I have friends who say they can't afford a baby and I think to myself a baby is the cheapiest, when they grow older they get so expensive. Even if all you were to do is feed and clothe them.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I have been a SAHM for 11 years. Unfortunately I used to have the same attitude as the OP: He works to earn the money he DESERVES x, y, z. So if any sacrifices had to be made it was me. All that served to do was give DH an entitlement attitude and it meant he was clueless about our finances. I would tell him money was tight, but then I would find a way to squeeze his "wants" into the budget so he would think it was fine and would zone out when I tried to explain otherwise.

It didn't work at all and we are just now working on changing that. I wrote up our budget (I handle the money), then showed it to him and said "okay, this is what we need to pay, this is how much we're short. What do you think we should cut to make that work?" I told him that I didn't feel that we were working as a team, I was stressed out about our finances, but he didn't get it because it didn't impact his life at all. Having that conversation definitely helped.

We're a team, it's not HIS money, we both worked hard for it. Look at it this way, if you weren't home how much would he be paying for daycare, housekeeping and all of the other things you do? I consider it my job to save money. I clip coupons and look for deals on things we need. I also agree with the other posters who say look for free entertainment. Besides helping your budget, you're setting a precedent. As your child gets older, they're going to expect to be entertained like that all the time and the older they are the more expensive it gets. Do you have a routine at home? I found that makes my days go faster.

 

[Colleen27]

I'll be blunt - If I were feeling guilty about being home and spending money just to fill some sort of hole in my life (getting out of the house, adult contact, etc.), I'd go back to work. Spending money and running around to cover up boredom/unhappiness isn't the way I'd want to live, even if we had money to burn.

We've gone through times where we lived paycheck to paycheck or worse (for a while there, we were depleting our savings at an alarming rate just to get by), but what keeps me going and looking for new ways to work things is that I quite simply love being home. Some people talk about their career as a calling; I never felt that. This is where I feel called to be - fixing up our old Victorian and tending my gardens and helping the kids with their schoolwork and cooking and canning in the kitchen.

I don't really do a lot to entertain my crew; my dining room looks like a daycare, with a kitchen set and a ball house and a sit & spin and a mini-nursery for the baby dolls, nothing expensive but enough to keep my toddler happy, and the dining room table is the craft table (we eat in the kitchen). We go to the library once a week and have a lot of walks/playground time when the weather is warmer, but other than that we pretty much just entertain ourselves at home.

As far as ways to live more frugally, you'll get lots of good tips here. Not just in this thread, but in the habit of reading this forum. I thought I had things running pretty tight but OMG the Budget Boarders taught me a bunch of new tricks! I never would have known how easy/cheap making laundry soap is or how to work the CVS sales for free items had I not stumbled across this lovely corner of the DIS.

I would suggest putting off your Disney trip and do something less expensive/closer to home. Living paycheck to paycheck you probably don't know if/when you'll be able to go back to Disney, so it makes more sense to wait until both kids are old enough to enjoy it more than an infant will. Not to mention that you'll be better able to relax and enjoy it when they're a little older (at least until the new baby is eating table food, sleeping through the night, and able to enjoy the "kiddie" rides).

 

[HeatherC]

Wanted to chirp in again.: As far as putting off vacations I guess I have a different viewpoint.

Like I mentioned in one of the first posts, I am a SAHm with three kids. We travel....ALOT. People think we must be trust fund kids to go as often as we do. But...the trick is that I will search and search until I find the best deals.

We have had wonderful week long vacations that cost us only a few hundred dollars for a family of five. Last April we went to
Williamsburg. Stayed in a beautiful resort in a two bedroom condo for under $300 for the week. We used our regular weeklyfood budget and cooked most of our meals. Got discount tickets to Jamestown and Williamsburg and spent under $600 total. That is awesome for a family of five. And we did everything we wanted too.

Last summer we rented a condo in Hilton Head. I found an awesome rental that was $1000 for an entire month at the Hilton Head Resort! It was great and we went for two weeks...not the month. This place was cheaper by the month because the owners just wanted it rented. We brought bikes and had an awesome time. So much that we are going back twice this year!

If someone can't pay their bills, then no they probably shouldn't be vacationing. My point is that it IS possible to do it affordably as a family. But I have found that most people can't be bothered looking for the deals. I love it and will not stay at a dive.

Just saying...that with planning anything is possible.

 

[crisi]

Some people talk about their career as a calling; I never felt that. This is where I feel called to be - fixing up our old Victorian and tending my gardens and helping the kids with their schoolwork and cooking and canning in the kitchen.

It sounds idyllic. Sometimes I wish I were much more of a "home" person. But while I love the idea and results of gardening, for instance, I don't like to garden.

I suspect that, however, is part of the trick to doing it contentedly. Choose hobbies around the home (canning, gardening, cooking) that involve staying home, being able to watch your kids, and being both productive and frugal.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I'm a SAHM. My DH has branded me the cheapest person he's ever met, so I guess that that's my answer as to how I do things Seriously, though, I've always been a super-couponer, shop the thrift store and rock-bottom clearance sales for clothes and gifts, etc. even when I was working in my career job. That's just the way that I am. Even our vacations are super-cheap since I learned about timeshare trading years ago (yes, you can easily and cheaply trade into DVC).

The other thing that helps is that I convinced DH that we should live debt-free shortly after we got together. We had several years of living very frugally, but we paid off everything including the house, fully prepaid for both kids' college tuitions, etc. That helps!

 

[tinker&belle]

I'm a SAHM. My DH has branded me the cheapest person he's ever met, so I guess that that's my answer as to how I do things Seriously, though, I've always been a super-couponer, shop the thrift store and rock-bottom clearance sales for clothes and gifts, etc. even when I was working in my career job. That's just the way that I am. Even our vacations are super-cheap since I learned about timeshare trading years ago (yes, you can easily and cheaply trade into DVC).

The other thing that helps is that I convinced DH that we should live debt-free shortly after we got together. We had several years of living very frugally, but we paid off everything including the house, fully prepaid for both kids' college tuitions, etc. That helps!

OT-Do you own RCI? I have wondered about buying RCI and the ability to trade points for DVC.

 

[Frye7127]

My 2 cents...I would not take the trip and would do something close by or at home. Take the extra $$ and pay down your debt.

When my DH and were married, we had a lot of outgoing expeditures. My dad took us to Dave Ramsey and we paid everything off except for our home. We were doing well financially speaking, moved into another house, and a few years later had a baby. All was good until he was about 1...he was very sick, we had tons of out of pocket medical expenses due to the way my DH insurance from work was set up (having to meet deductibles twice in one year, out of pocket maximums twice in one year - don't even ask) The bulk of this was for four years. Anyways, a lot of doctor appointments, hospital visits, surgeries, testing, and very, very expensive medicine led us to a financial mess that we are just now climbing out of and our son is 10 and just fine now. At that time, I was just doing what I had to making sure our child was taken care of. Savings was diminishing by leaps and bounds and I had to take out loans to pay for meds, health care, etc. It is hard to budget when you are hit for 1,000 in rx meds one week unannounced and then three weeks later $600.

Get things in order now, because you never know what that new baby will hold. You think things are tight now...

 

[bellebud]

Wanted to chirp in again.: the trick is that I will search and search until I find the best deals.

We have had wonderful week long vacations that cost us only a few hundred dollars for a family of five. Last April we went to
Williamsburg. Stayed in a beautiful resort in a two bedroom condo for under $300 for the week. We used our regular weeklyfood budget and cooked most of our meals. Got discount tickets to Jamestown and Williamsburg and spent under $600 total. That is awesome for a family of five. And we did everything we wanted too.

Last summer we rented a condo in Hilton Head. I found an awesome rental that was $1000 for an entire month at the Hilton Head Resort! It was great and we went for two weeks...not the month. This place was cheaper by the month because the owners just wanted it rented. We brought bikes and had an awesome time. So much that we are going back twice this year!

I have to ask where/how you find these deals. They sound awesome!!!!

OP - you've been given tons of great advice! You'll find some ideas that work for you. The jumpy house/lunch out is totally unnecessary and expensive. If I were you, I'd cut that right out completely.

If your dh works M-F, how about a job for you on Saturday or Sunday? Instead of rushing out the door in the evenings when dh gets home, and him having to take over the kids after a long day at work, the weekends might be something to consider. We own a retail business, and Saturdays are our busy day and one of our salespeople is a SAHM who needs to be home during the week (it's actually our SIL)... but the point is, Saturday is our busiest day of the week, SIL needs to be available to her boys during the week (home sick from school, she wants to volunteer at their schools, etc)... but Saturday is free for her. Gives her some pocket money, gets her out of the house (dressed up for work), gives dad time alone w/ the kids. And we close our store at 3pm on Saturdays, so she's there from 8am till 3pm. She and her family can still have Saturday afternoons/evenings together. I'd try a family-owned small retail store if you think this might work.

Does your child go to pre-K, or she's home all day w/ you 5 days a week? I can see where 'entertaining' a single child that age is difficult. If you're home 5 days a week w/ her, what about doing almost a pre-K schedule to pass the time. You can make it really fun. "School" starts at a certain time, what's the day/date, weather, etc, designate different rooms in the house for different activities. Have her help you clean things she's able to (cleaning time!). Make a surprise for daddy to come home to some days (a craft, etc). Make a nice, fancy meal w/ candles on the table, have her help cook, etc on another day.

I once read a great idea from a mom who couldn't afford any summer camps for her kids (and all the neighborhood kids were going), so she made her own summer camp at home. Monday was animal day - learning about animals, maybe reading books about animals, watching a dvd about animals, drawing animals, animal craft, maybe going to the local shelter (actually, I know a mom who routinely takes her 4yo daughter to a local cat shelter to play w/ the cats one day a week). Pick a different theme for each day. If you get to it, great! If not, you were obviously too busy. She even tried to make the dinner go w/ the theme in some way.

Good luck finding things to do that are free... there are many - you just have to search them out or think them up (which I could never do, so I always borrowed ideas I read about).

Go out only 1 day a week to save gas. Make that library day, food shopping day, errand day, etc. That would take up a whole day I bet. Even in the winter, bundle up on days it's possible, and take a walk, even if it's a 15 minute walk (I know it's cold!) Mentally, that's important for you - get some sunshine and fresh air every day you can. You can also have "work out" time at home, with your child. Yoga, sit ups, jogging in place, jumping jacks... the point is to get yourself sweating a bit, like a 'real' workout... again, it's as much a mental thing as a physical thing.

hope some of that helps.



Anyway to make your trip cheaper? Are you staying in a value? There's a book (you can maybe get from the library - I'm not sure) called "Disney on a Dime"... not sure how much pertains to you, but it's worth a shot. I'm sort of 50/50 whether you should even go or not. I know many, many kids who haven't been to disney ever. But I get the family vacation/quality time/memories things, and disney is one of the best places to do that.

 

[tlbwriter]

(actually, I know a mom who routinely takes her 4yo daughter to a local cat shelter to play w/ the cats one day a week).

That's a great idea. My local shelter requests volunteers (especially kids - older and well supervised, of course) to play with pets so they know which ones can be recommended as child-friendly.

 

[HeatherC]

Bellebud...I find a lot of the deals through the following places.

SkyAuction
Travelzoo
HomeAway....where we rent condos a lot and where I found Hilton Head deal.
GovArm
Gettravelop
Ebay
MyResortNetwork...used this several times for Bonnet Creek Resort at Disney
These boards...if someone mentions something I'm on it!

Hope this helps!

 

[bellebud]

Bellebud...I find a lot of the deals through the following places.

SkyAuction
Travelzoo
HomeAway....where we rent condos a lot and where I found Hilton Head deal.
GovArm
Gettravelop
Ebay
MyResortNetwork...used this several times for Bonnet Creek Resort at Disney
These boards...if someone mentions something I'm on it!

Hope this helps!

WOW! Thanks for all those links!! I'll definitely be looking into them

 

[NMW]

Honestly, I don't know how SAHMs do it. I was off and home for ten days around Christmas and my children and house drove me up the wall. I was so happy to see my desk this week! But I've always known I'd be a poor SAHM - it certainly doesn't seem to be my calling (though I certainly don't look down on anyone whose calling it is).

My friend from college is like this. She dreads taking vacations from work unless her family is actually going somewhere. She really hates to be home doing the day to day stuff with her kids and house. She loves her kids and is a great mom, she just admits that she would hate to be a SAHM. Her husband is an attorney and many people over the years have made comments to her about her continuing to work after her children were born. Almost as if she is being selfish or greedy by working because her husband could support them with his income alone. She really resents these comments and she unfortunately gets them fairly often. Her own co-workers have said things to her!

It's a shame that in todays world women still feel like they have to justify their choices to others.

 

[crisi]

It's a shame that in todays world women still feel like they have to justify their choices to others.

We moms have it rough. You are damned if you work, damned if you SAHP. Whatever choice you make, someone will be quick to point out that you are selfish, greedy, lazy, not acting in the best interests of your children (present or future interest). You need to develop the confidence that you are making the best choice for YOUR SITUATION. But be well informed enough to realize the trades you are making whichever path you choose and willing to accept those trades. We don't "get it all." But whatever path we choose, we can raise independent successful children in a happy home. No "side" has a monopoly on that.