SAHM Help!

[MNmama]

I am currently a SAHM. My husband works super hard and makes the money in our household. I used to work part time until I had to take a leave of absence for my current pregnancy. We are due at the end of March with our second child.

2011 is a new year and with that comes changes. I no longer have my PT income and I no longer have my unemployment that I was on after leaving my FT job back in 2009, so changes have to be made.

I do all the bills and try to come up with the budget. DH is just to busy to do it so I do, but every month I feel a sense of guilt because each month we are pay check to paycheck or short and when going over teh list of things that we could cut, one of the 3 things is his bowling each month and just dont feel like he should have to give that up. He works so hard ya know? Plus I feel guilty because I tend to be the spender as a SAHM. In the winters are are alwasy trying to get out of the house, so lunch, the mall, a jumpy place etc and it all adds up, so then I feel guilty like I am not pulling my weight with bringing in income.

So for all you SAHM out there... do you deal with guilt, who does the finances and how do you budget?

DH did get a bonus this year and after years of not getting one, we decided to go to WDW. We have paid the trip in full except now are needing airfare and whatever spending money we take. Life is too short and we feel that since we never go on vacation, that we just needed to do it. It will be paid in cash before we go so we wont go in debt.

We do have debt- from stupid choices back when we got married. I am not proud, but you cant change the past, only the future. We are working toward paying them down, but they are large and seem like a never ending battle

So I dont even really know what I am asking, I guess just venting and to see if there are any otehr SAHM out there who feel guilty financially and also to see how you manage money. How do you cut costs and budget for kids sports and activities if you do live pay check to paycheck?

Thanks in advance!!!

 

[princessjv]

Wow - you sound like me 6 years ago. I'm also a SAHM. After our 1st was born, I worked PT. Once I had my 2nd, the PT went to FT SAHM. I have to tell you that we had some years of struggling, yet now through promotions and massive reduction of debt, we are in a much better place. What I suggest is talking through the budget with your DH. After you pick out all of your expenses, ect. then you can each take an amount that you both decide is FAIR for fun stuff. Make sure you include into your expenses how much you should realistically allow for playdates out. What I would do is take my "fun $" in cash, so I saw exactly how much I had to spend. I knew when it was running low. it was a lot more "realistic" than just using my check card.

Not knowing where you are, in MN (metro area or out state) There are plenty of places in the Metro that are free. I used to hit the malls with "play areas", Fast food resturants with a play areas, library for story time, MOA on toddler tuesdays, season pass to indoor play area and set up play dates with friends through ECFE classes. Obviously Spring, Summer and fall are easier to get outside more.

Enjoy your vacation. Everyone deserves some magic. (are you going after the baby?)

btw- I took a small PT job to pay for my disney needs. It was my way of contributing to our family and it made me feel great that I could monetarily contribute. DON'T EVER FORGET - You are contributing one of the biggest sacrifices by being home. You too have a job. It is worth millions!

 

[HeatherC]

SAHM here! I think I may be in the minority, but no guilt here.

I do substitute teach at the local schools when they need me, but really have no permanent job outside the house. It is great for me because it gets me out of the house when I want, the pay iis great, ad I am home when the kids are.

We have three kids ages 14, 12, and 9. I have now been a SAHM for the whole time and can't imagine it any other way.

Neither can my dh. It honestly makes our lives so much easier and calmer. I take care of most of the stuff at home so his nights and weekends are free for just family time. He coaches all our kids sports teams and is able to do that because stuff at home is taken care of.

I know everyone is different, but we know that our lives would a lot more rushed and chaotic if we both worked full time. We don't want that and have found that this partnership works great for both our marriage and our family.

I know other people would go insane this way and respect that.
But to answer your question....no guilt because we both feel that I am contributing to our family in a way that makes sense for us.

The subbing helps pay for extras, but me being at home pays for our sanity.:

Don't worry about feeling guilty, just figure out what works for you guys. maybe a small pt time job would work for you. Or cutting the food budget a little? There are many ways we all contribute to a family...no need to feel guilty.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I am a SAHM, have been since day 1, my kids are 16, 11 and 8. I took a PT job last year as a preschool aid but it proved to not work for our family. (For example, our DD8, 7 at the time, got sick. She had to stay home from school. I couldn't find a sub and DH's boss told him "have your SAHwife deal with it," very compassionate.) So I had to have my oldest DD come home from school to take care of her sister for the afternoon. Not OK.

By me being home still, I get everything done during the day. I get the errands run, I take the kids where they need to go, then family time is less stressful. It works for us.

However sometimes I do have guilt. We can't have things other people can. My kids don't have name brand clothes, we live in a tiny house, but it is a tradeoff.

You didn't say ow old your first child is, but when my kids were young (and still now) we were all about the free and realy cheap places to visit. We could go to Chuck E Cheese for hours and not spend a penny, we still can. We'd go to McDs wth a nice, big playground, we'd have a sundae and play. It's easier in the summer, but we made a travel log of different parkds we'd visit. We'd take photos of the kids at the different parks and they would say what they liked about it. The goal was for one summer to never go to the same park twice. We'd pack lunch and just go. Also, if yo uhave a Regal theater they do free movies in the summer and they let you bring in snacks. That was totally free.

Hook up with other SAHMs in your area. That was really helpful to me when my kids were little cause they too wanted to do inexpensive places. Wish I had a SAHM friend now, they have all returned to work.

Yes, I hae guilt, but not for not contributing but for what I can't give them, but I try to focus on the time we have and it helps some.

No matter if you work or you don't there is guilt in parenting.

Oh, to answer your question. My DH does the bills. I find it all very overwhelming. I do try to live frugally, sometimes maybe too much so. I think of my job at home as partly to save money to make his job of balancing the funds easier.

Good Luck. I'd love to talk if you need someone to talk to about it.

 

[martikus]

Transitioning to SAHM is super hard - it takes time!

I always do the budgets - I have the patience for it.

My opinion which may not be popular - if you are living paycheck to paycheck you need to cut out the "wants". You can't afford to eat out, jumpy places, etc at this moment in your life. There are tons of free things to do as a SAHM - library story times, walking the mall in winter, parks, playdates, free movies in summer, etc. Just start hunting! Take your lunch new places instead of buying. Etc.

Start small - no one can make drastic changes over night, but each small thing both you and DH cut can help.

Good luck!

 

[mrodgers]

Good luck and try to nip it right away on the finances.

My wife quit (laid off) in 2000 when we had our first and was a SAHM until 3 years coming in May. During that 9 years of SAHM, we built up a lot of debt, which we are now working through to pay off.

We bought our house right before she quit to have our first daughter. We were just fine back then, but all the appliances were original to the house being built (1968 washer, fridge that didn't even have a handle, but a foot pedal to open, etc.) and we had to replace them all. Through the years, we had other things needing to spend money on as well that we didn't have and now are paying for it.

It was worth it though because we fully believe that a parent should stay home with the kids. As it is now, she only works part time in the evenings so she can be available for when they are sick and days off school through the year and summer.

Part of the problem was, I am at twice the salary I was when we bought the house and had kids, but that twice salary only goes half as far as half the salary did back then 10 years ago.

Be frugal and save up for things, even if you don't know you will need them as of now. Start a fund for home repair and car repair as those are the two things that hurt us the most during that time of single income.

We've been married for 13 years and our oldest is 10 years old. We finally went on a honeymoon this past summer with 2 kids in tow because we had never gone anywhere during that single income time. We did pay cash to go to Disney as well as a long weekend to the beach this past summer, but we did it while also still being in debt. It was a long deserved vacation though and gave us a good refresh on stress though, something that I think is important.

Not much advise, but just to be wary of the unexpected coming up in the future and try to be more prepared than we were.

 

[HM]

You might think about taking in another infant for pay after your baby is born and direct all that cash to your debt until it's paid off. That will lessen your burden and free up some of the money going toward debt toward vacation. Good luck.

 

[DawnM]

I have been staying home since 2005 when we moved from CA to NC.

Another unpopular opinion here:

First of all, you ARE taking out debt to go on vacation....if that money could be used for paying off debt and you have debt, then you are borrowing money for Disney.

You need to get ahold of a financial book or class.....Dave Ramsey is a well known/popular one. His steps WILL get you out of debt, but you will have to make some changes in order to do that. They are not fun. We have done them....but we don't owe on anything but mortgage now and have 6 months of savings in the bank and a well funded retirment plan.

I don't know how much the bowling is or if other costs are involved in that....does he eat there, go out with the guys afterwards, etc....????

There is no reason to eat out! You can eat before you go, take food with you, or just have coffee with friends. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. No amount of justifying it will work to ease your budget issues.

I cannot tell you how freeing it is to finally owe NOTHING other than mortgage, and to have enough $$ in an emergency fund that we don't have to stress about emergencies or things that come up. Debt is a ball and chain that you don't have to have.

Dawn

 

[crl]

Transitioning to SAHM is super hard - it takes time!

I always do the budgets - I have the patience for it.

My opinion which may not be popular - if you are living paycheck to paycheck you need to cut out the "wants". You can't afford to eat out, jumpy places, etc at this moment in your life. There are tons of free things to do as a SAHM - library story times, walking the mall in winter, parks, playdates, free movies in summer, etc. Just start hunting! Take your lunch new places instead of buying. Etc.

Start small - no one can make drastic changes over night, but each small thing both you and DH cut can help.

Good luck!

I would agree that if you have debt and are living pay check to pay check then you should not be spending money on eating out and other not needed items. (No the jumpy place is not needed even if all the other kids in the neighborhood are doing it.) Be sure to combine trips out of the house. For us it means that we make our trip on Mondays to the grocery store, library and DD's dance class. And that's usually our only trip for the week.

 

[QVCshopper]

I am a sahm with a job at night that pays close to what i'd make ft with two kids in daycare. Have you considered getting a job at night? It's tough staying up late and then getting up again with the kids, but it's worked for us, been doing it for over 4 years now. My DH puts the kids to bed, he's great--we are a team. And I like having a job.

Other then that, you need to cut back. Areas to look at: entertainment, food, eating out, cable, insurance, just to name a few. Good luck!

Also, there are many free activities to do at parks, libraries, etc. Keep a list. Also, if there's a nice kid museum around or zoo, it may be smart to join and that's the place you go for fun.

 

[hsmamato2]

SAHM here! I think I may be in the minority, but no guilt here.

guilt for what? this is a fairly recent idea,being 'guilty' over one parent home,the other bringing home a check.... not knocking anyone elses situations, but for us, it works well that way (old fashioned I guess) my DH works FT, I have stayed home and managed things since we had kids....my main job is to run our home well,and to SAVE when I can.
we are both pretty clear on our responsibilities,and we're both content.
SInce I can,I spend as LITTLE as possible on what we need and use,which is my financial contribution to our family life. (In addition to all the valuable services I provide as wife and Mom)
to OP -I'd be careful about taking on new debt in your situation- you have to 'learn' how to live well on your one income now,plus a new child coming.... part of making the SAHM thing in this day and age means you have to have a clear picture of what you can/can't afford.
maybe that means driving to your disney trip,if it's all paid for- maybe it means postponing till you get a better handle on finances currently.

 

[hsmamato2]

just thinking...OP I read more carefully your post.... being a SAHM is a job for me,a mission to care for my home and family that I take very seriously.... try to think about your goals as a SAHM,what your plans are,what you'd like to see your family living like. wandering from mall to mall, going to bouncey places b/c you're bored,buying to fill a gap in your life, won't work out at all. and I have to amend my last post....if you're really paycheck to paycheck,and haven't yet mastered how to budget for your lives, a trip to Disney is NOT a good thing right now for you. I'm sorry to sound like that, but please really think about what you'd like for your family in 6 months,a year,5 years?
when you get 5.00, use it to pay down previous debt....KWIM?
in fact make a written plan, how much does your dh make,how much are your current bills, how much extra can you afford to pay them down...etc. then you'll have a clear picture of how long till you can afford extras again...and something to plan for!

 

[MiniGirl]

OP, I have always taken a more "middle of the road" approach. I have been a SAHM for 11 years. Even now, I will give myself an allowance. All the non-essential "fun" stuff comes out of that. Once it is gone, it is gone, and we do only free things after that.

It also helped for me to look at my spending as a game. I figured it was dh's job to bring the money into the household, and my job to keep it there. I would make it a game and challenge myself to see how little money I could spend each day, week, month. I also looked at what non-essential purchases cost in terms of days worked rather than price. See my dh travels for a living, so extra purchases meant he had to work more and spend that many more days away from home. Because I love him and would rather he not have to spend even more time away, it made not buying things easier when I stopped and said to myself, "Buying this means that dh will have to work an entire extra day next month."

Of course, this way is slower and less aggressive than cutting out everything, so you won't see results as fast. Without knowing your situation, I couldn't really say which method would be best. Also, I think both spouses have to be onboard with a more aggressive method.

 

[DisneyScraps]

I am a SAHM by choice. It's not always easy.

One thing you said that really bothered me was "life is too short" that is not the right attitude with finances. I think with everything else but not when it comes to money.

living paycheck to paycheck and using a bonus for a trip? That is not the responsible thing to do. Trip is paid for, I will bet you can get it all back. It's a harsh reality but that needs to be done.

You can find ways to make money. do you coupon now? Absolutely start.

No more mall, lunches and bouncy things. Get creative with what you do. In the nice weather a picnic at a playground is a great way to get out of the house. It's cold right now so find out which museums offer free admission, most do once a month. Libraries and churches offer all kinds of kid programs.

I would sit down and negotiate a set amount of money you get to spend a month without guilt. It might be 20.00 it might be more but you need to have some cash you can use without feeling guilty about it. Use that money carefully. When you do spend make sure it's as discounted as possible.

Can you find a way to make some money? Babysitting is the obvious choice. What are your talents? Get creative think outside of the box and see if you can sell your services somehow.

I am firm in the belief that kids don't care about stuff and trips as much as we think. They want our time. Being a SAHM is something awesome you are doing for them. No one at the end of their life ever says, I wish I got to go shopping more, I wish we ate out more. Most say, I wish I had more time with the people I love. Kids grow up so fast, kudos for being there as much as possible with them.

Lisa

 

[rubato]

No guilt here. My husband is so grateful for what I do for our son. I am here for him everyday. He has a hot breakfast and packed lunch. I volunteer at his school 3 times a week. We are the "koolaid" house. All the kids come here. My son loves it and so does my husband.

I do have to say that we are in a different financial place. We do everything we can to not have any debt. My husband NEVER buys lunch at work. We don't go see movies or go out. Heck, we've been debating getting rid of cable because it's too expensive. I am able to stay home because we don't have a loan on anything. But, before our son was born, all we did was pay things off.

My only child starts middle school next year and I think I can get back out of the house at that point. The school doesn't encourage parent volunteers once they're in middle school. With my hubby's work schedule, he can take my son to school if the weather's bad. I think I'm going to start nursing school in the fall and do that for a couple of years. Then, I'm going to try to work it out that hubby gets to be a stay at home dad. He's 50 and could use a break. (He's got a physically demanding job and is tired).

 

[Sadie22]

My children are grown but I worked fulltime until the first was born and then became a SAHM. We planned our mortgage and everything so that we would do fine on DH's income alone. We would go to nearby parks with friends. It's not necessary to spend money to have fun.

I shopped sales, used coupons when they were useful, stocked up during sales, etc. I shopped yard sales and thrift shops for clothing, especially for the kids, and found many toys that way as well. It helps that DH can maintain the cars and do all kinds of electrical, plumbing, and carpentry repairs. It also helps that he has a company vehicle for commuting and has great health insurance for the family through his employment.

Over the years I did child care of friends of my children and got a parttime job some evenings/weekends so DH was with the children when I was gone. We all participated in Scouts and church activities. The musician of the family had private lessons throughout high school. When the children were in school I got a job during school hours. I returned to fulltime employment when the youngest was in high school.

Now I work at home as a transcriptionist. Quite a few SAHMs do this as well.

Some things that have come to be considered as necessities really are not. You really need to think about what your family can afford. Cell phones for each family member, Cable TV, the latest computers, the latest novels, the latest fashions, three dozen pairs of shoes, every child on every single traveling sport team out there, and more than one vehicle may not be in the budget. Eating out or daily coffee and doughnuts are other big money consumers. Saving for retirement, saving for the children's educations are more important. Vacationing within the budget is important, too.

Staying home with the children is nothing to feel guilty about. For me it was the only way and I know my children are better for it. It was my job to manage the budget and the purchases. DH often thought I had money hidden somewhere because I always managed to pay the bills but the fact was I timed my purchases. If there was no money left over I could not stock up until I did have extra money.

 

[kjrmorgan01]

just want to let you know you are not alone..going thru the same thing right now...i will post more when i have time to sit down later and really reflect....i look forward to all answers and advice!

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly, I'd cancel the trip. I remember when my kids were little, and I thought they were expensive. OMG - the older they get, the more expensive they get! The activity costs really add up, and these are things they really want to participate in, not like the activities I signed them up for when they were little.

My advice is to form some playgroups - they got me through the toddler/preschool years. We'd meet once a week, at alternating houses. We'd start around 10, and the host would provide lunch for the moms and kids, and we'd end around 1 (nap time). The kids got to play, the moms got to socialize, and everyone would help serving the kids (mac and cheese, hot dogs, and fruit). I miss those days!

 

[estherhead]

I wanted to make a suggestion on the bowling trip/your stuff. Why don't you take out how much the bowling trip costs in cash and then give yourself an equal amount in cash for your monthly "mini-escapes"? That way there is no guilt as you are both getting exactly the same play money. Everybody deserves to play and one person shouldn't get more play money than the other.

My dh works his butt off, but so do I. As so many have said, no guilt. Loving, happy, partnerships create wonderful family environments for children to thrive. And really, that is what everyone is trying to create no matter what choices we all have to make to get there.

 

[brymolmom]

Not that it necessarily should cause guilt, but two things to make things less stressful for you:

1) 'Play' money. I would stick to a set amount that works for the budget per month for play money - jump places and lunches are EXPENSIVE. So set one amount - say $30 per month (if that works in your budget) and once it's gone - it's GONE! No reason to stay inside though - just expand your search into free or really cheap stuff. Libraries are awesome - educational, great way to get out of the house and almost all programs are free. Look into neighboring towns too - they might have stuff you don't know about. You can go out to a playground (yes - even on nicer days in the winter) and 'picnic' - even if it's eating in the car to get warm. Don't forget a jug of hot chocolate. I second a pp's idea to form play groups - it gets you out - and is free. If you don't know people to start one with - check at your library and join a preschool story hour - I'm sure you'll meet others looking to get out of the house too.

2) Especially since you have the debt and that, undoubtedly, is causing much of your guilt. How about picking up a p/t job a couple of evenings a week? You might be able to find something in retail and keep it to 12 - 16 hours per week. Will cover your 'play' money and likely be able to put a bit extra toward the debt too. Added benefit is giving dh some quality alone time with the kids.