rooms

[Boxley]

OP here again! Yes, I understand it is his wedding and he can choose whomever he wants to be in his wedding party. I guess my husband and I were hoping he would use this as an opportunity to reach out to my husband as a sign of putting all the problems in the past. Basically we are hurt because we have wanted a closer relationship with him....this has been tried by us many times over the years, but never reciprocated. He has obvious anger toward my husband, once he said my husband picked on him while growing up a lot! Yes my husband is older, thus there was sibling rivalry and fighting....nothing over the top though. Anyway, I guess my BIL was never able to let go of the past. Yes, I guess it goes much deeper than the wedding...thats just another instance his brother has hurt him. Boy, families are so complicated! I am still not sure what my husband is doing about the boys, he is not confronted him about not being in the wedding party though. My husband is now saying he wished he had told him he would think about them being in the wedding, hindsight is 20/20. The funny thing is my 4 year old is very immature and we are not sure how he will be...but again we didn;t say it at the time he asked. Anyway, I really appreciate all the advice, all though some has been quite harsh, I asked for it! I guess my husband should just accept his brother is not close with him, doesn't want to be close to him and move on....its so much easier said than done!

OK, let me get this straight, your husband picked on his brother in his childhood and now thinking it is all over with, wants to be in his wedding? Maybe this is a deep rooted problem for the BIL, maybe not but then again, let me just say this.."ITS JUST A DAY!" It's just a wedding party. If the husband wants to talk to his brother, using the wedding as an excuse is not the way to go about it.
The issue isn't the wedding but is between the two brothers, your husband should just go to the BIL's house, talk it out and that is it. Does that mean he should be in the wedding? No. The groomsmen are already chosen. The BIL has no obligation to have a sibling in the wedding party. If your husband has such a big problem with the past between his brother and he, then he should go talk to him about it. Leave the wedding out of it.

 

[roscoepc1]

No one is "owed" a position in a wedding party, imo. Your husband's attitude is pretty petty and juvenile.

I doubt he would have appreciated being told whom he should choose for his. He CHOSE to ask his brother...there's no reverse obligation.

 

[CheshireSmile]

I'm going to save this thread for when I get married. My sister got married this past summer and asked me to be MOH, which I didn't really want to do, I felt she should ask someone who was close to her, which I'm not. She and I are not close and never have been, and generally don't get along. I told my mom I didn't think I'd ask my sister to be my MOH when I get married and I think I still have the burn marks from that conversation. She told me I had absolutely no choice, and even if I had gotten married first I would have had to have my sister as my MOH, but that it's now doubly so since she asked me. That'll be a fun fight in my house....

(Please don't think I hate my sister, I don't, and I was very happy to be part of her special day, but I would have been much happier to have just been a bridesmaid and not MOH)

 

[liriel]

My husband's brother just got married two weeks ago, and he was not in the wedding party. My husband and his brother are great friends. I don't think the state of the relationship is always at play when picking your wedding party. Did you consider weather or not your BIL's fiance had any role in deciding who is in the wedding party? That selection is not always as straight forward as some folks may think it should be. In our case my BIL just felt we would need to take care of our 3 kids at the wedding, and since we were coming from out of state it would be more difficult for us to do the tux fittings and all of the hullaballoo associated with the wedding. In essence he was trying to be considerate of us. Not necessarily your case, but you shouldn't make assumptions about the bridal party decision unless you inquire about it.

 

[dfchelbay]

Sorry your DH feels hurt. Maybe he could look at it from a different perspective. Pretend he was watching this on tv. He sees a guy, who is not close with his brother planning his wedding. Asking his three friends to be in the grooms party. What would he say to the brother who was not asked, and feels hurt. Would he say, "Dude, what's the big deal, you haven't seen him since when, you don't hang with him...and you know he doesn't treat you right.

Or, what exactly would your husband say?

As hard as it is to do, and not put feelings into, DH needs to act like it's happening to two other people. In his head how would this episode play out. How would he advise someone who is not him in this situation. Maybe thinking it through this way might give him a different perspective on it, and help him feel better and ok with his brother's decision. Good luck.

 

[disneybound31]

There is an old country song, I can't remember who sang it, but the choras is "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't, etc."

Your husband may have to reach out hundreds of time before it is reciprocated, if it is EVER reciprocated. It is up to your dh if he wants to keep trying or stop, he needs to do what is in his heart even if it means he is upset by his brother's lack of response over and over again. Alls your dh can do is love his brother, he can't make his brother love him back.

"I Can't Make You Love Me" sung by Bonnie Raitt. Great song- maybe done before as an original by someone else?

 

[Magical09]

My brother is getting married next year and did not ask me to be in his wedding. I am closest to him and did feel a little hurt once I figured it out. He did ask for my two daughters to be flower girls so it is similar to your situation. However, my brother and I are really close. After thinking about for a few weeks I realized that I couldn't equate being a close sister to automatically being in the wedding party. They have made several comments about me having to spend so much money on having both girls in the wedding. I really feel that they didn't include me so I wouldn't have to spend too much money.
I guess what I am saying is that they may have a completely different thought process on the wedding party. They may be trying to include everyone in the best way they can. They may be thinking about how much you would have to spend or that you may enjoy the wedding more with only having your kids walk down the aisle. They may think it would more special for you to have your sons be part of the day. Most of the time the kids are the "stars of the show".
I would let it go and enjoy the wedding with less of the hassle.

 

[disbugsdaddy]

I can sympathize with the OP's DH. My Brother is getting married in May and I was not asked to be a part of the wedding either, in fact I don't think we've gotten an invitation. (Although they may not have sent them out yet) They have asked for my 3yo DD to be a flower girl in the wedding.

I would say my brother and I are pretty close considering we are 11 years apart. We work for the same company and see each other pretty often. In fact for the last 6 or 7 years we've been going to WDW at least once per year. (My family, him and his girl when she came on the scene and our folks) And we are going to be down there (WDW) with them for their honeymoon even! I think his fiance is pretty awesome and I make a point of inviting them to pretty much everything that my family does.

When I got married he was too old to be a ring barer but still to young to be a groomsman. So, over some objections I made a spot for him (and my SIL who is the same age) as altar server to make sure he had a place in my wedding.

I'm not really hurt that I'm not going to be his best man, I wouldn't expect to be, I'm not even upset that I'm not a groomsman. But it would be nice to be more involved than just sitting and watching, or at least to know WHY he doesn't want me to be a part of his special day. (Or, maybe at least get an invitation!)

The only upside I can see in the whole thing is if I am totally left out I can guilt him about it for the rest of his life! LOL
And, hey dad (bradisgoofy on dis), if you read this... shhhh.

Brad (Jr.)

 

[Allison]

I can sympathize with the OP's DH. My Brother is getting married in May and I was not asked to be a part of the wedding either, in fact I don't think we've gotten an invitation. (Although they may not have sent them out yet) They have asked for my 3yo DD to be a flower girl in the wedding.


Brad (Jr.)

If the wedding isn't until May, invitations won't go out for months yet.

 

[LWatson]

I havent read all the responses, but here is MHO

In less than a month my sister is getting married, and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid in the final choices (all 10 of them). I'm seriously hurt that my sister (who was 1 of 3 people in my wedding...My Best Friend, My sister, and my SIL) didnt put me in her final 10. She had basically said for a long time that I was going to be in it, I had even gone bridesmaid gown browsing with her. She did ask for her SIL (who is like 12) to be in it, so I was super hurt at that point.

Turns out that it was good she didnt ask me. I cant make her wedding because we are going to be packing our house and out processing this post to move to the post where they are. I had planned on flying just myself out to her wedding (which is right b4 christmas) and back here the day after until I found out that we are having our stuff packed on that day. So, maybe there is a reason (though unknown to anyone right now) why your DH wasnt asked. Trust me though I know how he feels. My sister and I are pretty close (well, we were till she found out I cant make it because we are packing our house....heck we might even be in a hotel on Christmas), so I was really hurt/shocked when I didnt make the final 10.

 

[pls5286]

My sis was my MOH in my wedding. My sister and my ex husbands sis were in the wedding party along with his DD. When time came for her to get married, I was not included in the wedding party. I kept the brides book, so I was not really included in the reception either. I sat at a table at the door and got leftovers. Her husbands nephew got really sick the night before and they said if he didnt get better we might need you to step in since yall are the same size and you might can wear her dress. I was hurt beyond belief. He was better. I helped cook the rehrsal supper at the order of my mom and was put as an afterthought at the brides book. We are really close and never really was a special part in her special day.

 

[quentina]

The groom needs to choose his nearest and dearest to be in his wedding party. Being blood related does not guarantee a spot.

As you said, they are not close.

Personally, I do not have any problem with this. I do understand that your husband is hurt however; if the relationship was better, he might be in the wedding.

 

[JillPTFLA]

I don't know...I seem to be in the minority but I am a "blood is thicker than water" type of person. If your husband is really feeling slighted by this, I definitely think he should talk to his brother. Not in a confrontational manner, just kind of a "so, what's up". You never know what the reason may be. When my brother and sister in law were planning their wedding, I was not asked to be a bridesmaid initially. My older son was asked to be a ring bearer also. When I questioned this, I was told that they didn't think I would want the hassle of being a bridesmaid since I was a little older and would have an infant and toddler at the wedding (plus dress shopping just after giving birth...not fun!). But, when they found out that it really was important to me, I was included as a bridesmaid and I am glad.
It may be his brother's wedding and it is just one day but the hurt feelings do persist and fester and I always think it is best to talk about those things with family because eventually, they will come back and no good can come of that.
Just my opinion...take it for what it is worth!