rooms

[crashbb]

But we always seem to do the right thing...I just wish his brother did this time too.

You are making the assumption that asking your husband was the "right" thing.

I don't think that it was (and from other posts on this thread, many agree with me).

Not that I think it would have been the "wrong" thing, I just don't think there is a "right" versus "wrong".

 

[wmharley]

i'd be happy... less work, less expense (suits, etc)

 

[Bethany2008]

You know, for as much as this is bothering your husband (and yourself) I bet it would be safe to make the assumption that your BIL had JUST AS MUCH trouble deciding who to choose.
In fact, at our wedding, we ended up not having any attendants (it was very small) as to not hurt anyone. And guess what, sisters and friends were STILL upset. Anyway you look at it, someone is hurt.
If they aren't really that close, what made him expect that he would be in the wedding in the first place? Because the BIL was in yours? It sounded like that was quite awhile ago... Being an attendant is supposed to be an honor, not an obligation. If my sister (whom I wasn't really close to) asked me to be in her wedding, I would feel like it was more of an obligation than an honor.

Go to the wedding, enjoy sitting with your husband, smile, and be happy for your family (and the new additions to it)! And if nothing else, have a few extra of the free drinks

 

[RMulieri]

I would have your DH tell his brother how he feels, but not expect anything in return and I would not pull the kids out if you already committed them.But in all honesty he has no reason to be upset if he is not close to his brother at all.My husband was not his brothers Best man nor was he in the wedding party.They are simply not close at all.which brings me to the point that I always make.,..Just because you are related does not mean you will be close.

 

[RMulieri]

OP- I am with you on this one. IMO Siblings always come before friends. I don't care how close you are or aren't with them. I have no advice but I would be hurt too.

That is not true for everyoneJust because you are related does not mean you are more important than non relatives.Especially if you don't get along.Siblings does not always =Friends.I have 2 brothers.One I would do anything for.The other I haven't seen or spoken to in 10 +years .We just don't like each other and don't get along, I wasn't invited to his wedding and he chose not to come to mine.it is just the way things go.My husband is not close to his brother and was not his best man or an usher in his brothers wedding.They don't dislike each other at all, but they are not close.My husband was not offended and said he would rather his brother choose his best friend from childhood then himself since "everyone knows we aren't close"

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

DH's brother wasn't in our wedding either.

If he was hurt, he never did say anything!

18 years later, we're all just fine.

Try to enjoy the day the way they've planned it

Someone's always offended about something at a wedding (where they sit, who is in the party, etc. etc...) best not to share your disappointment w/ the bride and groom, it's stressful enough...IMO

 

[puffkin]

I'll be blunt and agree with others.....your husband needs to get over it. And I also think it would be a shame to pull your kids out after already committing them.

I have two brothers and DH has a brother and sister. I am close to one brother and DH is close to his sister. DH felt strongly about including his brother even though they are not close. I was fine with that. However we both agreed not to include my other brother because neither one of us were close to him. We included the people we both felt strongly about and don't regret it to this day.

 

[wdwfan16]

Hi everyone,
I have a dilemna and needed some advice, so of course I came to you guys! My husband's brother is getting married and he just found out he is not in the wedding party. A bit of some background info...he was my husband's best man 10 years ago, over the years they have had some ups and downs, and it is true they are not close...but my husband is so hurt about the whole thing. He is having a friend as his best man and 3 other friends will also be ushers. My husband said I guess he didn't make the top 4! No seriously, he is very hurt and on top of all this they asked our 2 sons, ages 4 and 7 to be ringbearers. They barely know our kids, so we see this as just having symmetry. My husbands other sister, who his brother is very close to will be performing the ceremony (she is a minister) and her 2 girls are also flowergirls, again he is very close with them. Anyway, we originally had said yes to our boys being in the wedding, but now my husband is so hurt he is considering taking them out....what should he do? Should he confront his brother, do nothing or something else? In the past my husband has maintained always doing the right thing even though his brother has not...but this is so big, I mean not having him in the wedding party makes a big statement I think. Anyone have any advice for my terribly hurt and angry husband? Thanks so much!

Leave well enough alone. Do not use your boys as pawns in this dispute between the uncle and father. The time to say no to them being in the wedding was when they were asked.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Wow, some harsh advice from some. I can entirely relate to your DH feeling slighted. My DH was bypassed for his father's wedding- FIL asked his future stepson to be his best man (only attendant). I won't lie, it was very uncomfortable and we did consider not attending. In the end, we didn't see how that would solve anything, and just did a grin and bear it.

In your case, I would keep your DS as ringbearers if you'd already agreed to that. It very well may have been the concession to not asking your DH (though I agree, not the same.) Raising a fuss over that will only make things worse.

 

[Jdougherty]

I understnad his feeling, I was no included in my brothers wedding either, BUT a girl that went after my brother a month before the wedding had been. My 3 month old nephew was includded and the reason I was given was that to include me would upset some one else. I got a lot of harsh treatment when I was planning my wedding for not including her though regardless of MY hurt feelings for being excluded from everything involving the wedding, I was a guest nothing more nothing less.

The best thing i can advise is to grin an bare it. You can't change someone else and you can change how you react to people who hurt you with out thought. be the bigger person don't pull your boys out but don't make anymore effort than is required of you and your DH.

enjoy the party and hope for a good time seeing family and friends.

 

[Drusilla]

I excluded my two sisters from my wedding party b/c I wanted a very very small wedding and only had my bff since 4th grade stand up for me. My mother had a hissy fit that my sisters weren't included. I don't think my sisters cared since they never said anything - or they got that it was my wedding and respected what I wanted to do. I think my mom was more of "what will the neighbor's think" but the neighbors weren't invited either so who cares! LOL

I think OP's DH has two choices, 1) talk to the brother and then get over it; or 2) say nothing and get over it. Do whatever he feels he has to do but in the end he has to get over it. And definitely don't use the kids as pawns! Be the bigger person and don't get bogged down in the bs.

 

[Allison]

But we always seem to do the right thing...I just wish his brother did this time too.

The right thing according to you but it's not the right thing for his brother. It's his wedding.

 

[bumbershoot]

You know, if your husband was in the wedding party, he would have responsibilities before and during the wedding. Higher cost most likely, and then YOU would get to take care of your children during the wedding, because he would be up there with his brother, and then he might have official things to do during the reception, again leaving you alone to take care of the kids.

I didn't mention this earlier, but I wasn't asked to be in my brother's wedding, and I didn't ask 2 of my brothers to be in mine. My husband did ask my brother (and his own brother), and I had my half-sis b/c I thought she would have fun, but it doesn't mean we love the other 2 brothers any less. If anything, they had MORE fun at the wedding than the ones in the wedding party. They could just sit back and watch and enjoy, instead of being worried about suits and times schedules and all of that.

If you really really think that this brother is so cold-hearted that he only asked your kids to be in his wedding to even things out, then honestly, WHY does your husband want him in his life?

 

[MonkersMama]

I'm sorry your dealing with this hurtful situation. And yes, it does seem like BIL is using your children for appearances rather than genuinely wanting them present.

I dealt with something similar 2 years ago with my one and only sister. She was my MOH at our wedding 10 years ago. 2 years ago when she got married she and her fiance asked DH and I to stand up in her wedding, along with DS (ringbearer), THEN after a few months she proceeded to "uninvite" DH and I to stand up, and asked another friend to be a bridesmaid and a fiance of one of the bridesmaids to fill in as a groomsman ("because it would really mean a lot for this (on/off) friend of mine to be a bridesmaid"). DH and I were like WTH?!! This was already after a series of demeaning statements from my sister about my weight and her remarks about me fitting into a bridesmaid dress (that wasn't plus sized). Evidently I'm not esthetically pleasing enough for wedding pictures. lol DH and I felt the same way, should we pull out DS as well? We decided not to. DH and I made ourselves "helpful" on the wedding day. To this day, I'm not sure why my sister and her (now) husband made these decisions, but THEY have to live with them, not me. My sister changed a lot after she met this man, and not for the better. There have only been ups and downs between us since she met this man. DH and I have a lot of calm in our family life, and we work hard to keep it that way, whereas my sister fills her life with drama and chaos. I refuse to feed into it and take the "high road".

I didn't mean to hijack, just wanted to tell you our scenario and how we handled it. I wish you luck in your decision, and again, I'm so sorry that you're faced with this dilemma.

 

[renae3]

OP here again! Yes, I understand it is his wedding and he can choose whomever he wants to be in his wedding party. I guess my husband and I were hoping he would use this as an opportunity to reach out to my husband as a sign of putting all the problems in the past. Basically we are hurt because we have wanted a closer relationship with him....this has been tried by us many times over the years, but never reciprocated. He has obvious anger toward my husband, once he said my husband picked on him while growing up a lot! Yes my husband is older, thus there was sibling rivalry and fighting....nothing over the top though. Anyway, I guess my BIL was never able to let go of the past. Yes, I guess it goes much deeper than the wedding...thats just another instance his brother has hurt him. Boy, families are so complicated! I am still not sure what my husband is doing about the boys, he is not confronted him about not being in the wedding party though. My husband is now saying he wished he had told him he would think about them being in the wedding, hindsight is 20/20. The funny thing is my 4 year old is very immature and we are not sure how he will be...but again we didn;t say it at the time he asked. Anyway, I really appreciate all the advice, all though some has been quite harsh, I asked for it! I guess my husband should just accept his brother is not close with him, doesn't want to be close to him and move on....its so much easier said than done!

 

[Ephany]

No advice really, but I understand why your DH feels upset. My DH has 2 brothers and when we got married both of his brothers were his groomsmen. We all lived within a 1/2 hour of each other, saw each other fairly frequently etc... They had even planned how to rotate it so they each got to be a best man once and a groomsman once.

Needless to say both of his brothers arranged their weddings so we couldn't even come, let alone allow DH to be in the wedding party. DH was hurt, he had thought they were close, but apparently not. Granted, one brother did a JoP wedding and not even their parents knew, but the other brother and his wife planned it for when DH would be out of the country (and yes, they planned it that way, SIL told me once when she was drunk ). DH was very gracious and never said anything to them, but it still sucked for him you know?

It is their wedding and they have the right to have whomever they wish in the wedding party, but your DH is allowed to feel hurt if that's how he feels. I wouldn't pull the kids out since you have already agreed to their participation, but maybe this would be a good time to re-examine the whole situation and decide how involved/not involved you'll be from now on with this particular branch of the family tree.

 

[Drusilla]

I guess my husband and I were hoping he would use this as an opportunity to reach out to my husband as a sign of putting all the problems in the past. Basically we are hurt because we have wanted a closer relationship with him....this has been tried by us many times over the years, but never reciprocated.

There is an old country song, I can't remember who sang it, but the choras is "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't, etc."

Your husband may have to reach out hundreds of time before it is reciprocated, if it is EVER reciprocated. It is up to your dh if he wants to keep trying or stop, he needs to do what is in his heart even if it means he is upset by his brother's lack of response over and over again. Alls your dh can do is love his brother, he can't make his brother love him back.

 

[Allison]

You have mentioned a couple of times your husband "confronting" his brother. If he is going to bring this up with his brother, the attitude of it being a confrontation is definitely not the way to go.

 

[puffkin]

It is their wedding and they have the right to have whomever they wish in the wedding party, but your DH is allowed to feel hurt if that's how he feels. I wouldn't pull the kids out since you have already agreed to their participation, but maybe this would be a good time to re-examine the whole situation and decide how involved/not involved you'll be from now on with this particular branch of the family tree.

I think this is very well said.

 

[Mrs D]

I can understand why your DH is upset. I did not ask my brother to stand up in my wedding; he is 11 years older and I figured a 40 y.o. guy didn't want to be a groomsmen with a bunch of 20-somethings. My dad passed before I got married but I was unsure if I wanted my Mom or Mom&Bro to walk me down the aisle. I had thought of having my bro & SIL have a special role but was still working it out when my Bro blew up at me about not asking him to participate. I did want him to participate but hadn't figured out exactly how. The way my Bro treated me made it very clear that I did not want him to walk me down the aisle and he wouldn't heard a word about (what he called) a "Made up BS position".
My teenaged nephews were ushers (I had that part figured out before be blew up, BTW we hadn't even set a date at this point), but my brother dragged them out immediately after dinner.

It has taken 8 years to overcome all the tension my silly wedding created. In hindsight, I should have asked him to stand up. I do understand why he was upset and that he wanted to be included. I honestly thought he would be miserable.

I really encourage you & your DH to have your sons stand up and offer to help in any way.

Good luck!