Recent Budget Threads and SAHMs

[noodleknitter]

Not fair. We all do what we have to and some of us, thank God, have more choices than others.

My mother had a lot less choices than I do. She did the best she could (which was pretty good) and I do the best I can with a LOT more resources. If I can stay home with my children, I will. It works for me in my current situation. If I had to work, I would and would not feel guilty for one minute.

I agree. My mom was a single parent, and she is my biggest hero. That said, she hated missing so much of our lives. She is my biggest advocate in staying home with my kids. She has enjoyed being such an intergral part of my childrens' lives because she missed so much of ours.

 

[Tissa]

Sorry to miss this part of the discussion!!! I had to go to slepp...

I wasn't referencing any particular poster in my OP, but I did seem to pick up on several recent threads where posters had financial difficulties that seemed to slip over the edge of "belt tightening so I can stay home" and into real "we don't have anything to fall back on and we're losing ground fast" territory. If that's the case, I wondered why there seemed to be such a disconnect with their SAHM status.

It would make basic sense to me that if your family was that close to the edge - which I would loosely define as no savings, no retirement, overextended with personal debt on credit cards and car payments, no room in the budget for medical expenses, etc. (didn't someone recently say she hadn't had dental care in several years? Anyone remember if she worked or not??) then it would be time to realize that being a SAHM was an expensive luxury the family could no longer afford.

So I was just curious about where your "personal line" was drawn, I guess. How much sacrifice is worth it? Are any of you worried about retirement - those of you who are having to forgo retirement savings to be able to stay home?? I guess that's the main issue with me - retirement and future financial stability. Most of us can see that logically you can give up many of the material goods pretty easily.

Oh dear I guess I'm living on the edge and didn't realize it. I have some cc debt and while the boys have medical insurance I do not and no 401k here. Oh I forgot I had to buy a new car last year when the one I had since 94 died.

Our situation isn't the typical mom stays home while husband goes off to work.
Seven years I got a call from my mother stating that my two nephews 1&3 at the time were going to be taken into CPS custody and to meet her at my sisters house. We took the boys back to my mom's house and within the week we decided for me to quit my job and move in with my mom to take care of them, both the boys are special needs and it was hard enough them being removed from their home we didn't want to add to that by putting them into daycare.
We have struggled at times and at one point I put the boys in daycare and went to work full time but they would burst into tears any time we drove by the center and the older one was sick for two weeks so I missed work with no pay but still had to pay the daycare anyway,that was enough I quit. I do work part time and couldn't imagine not bringing income into the family and when my mom is ready to retire I'll go back to work full time.

I know some will think that my top priority should be saving for retirement or being debt free and not taking a trip to WDW and maybe they are right I'm not going to try and justify it. I just know that for one week a year they get to forget about their disabilities and have a blast.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Not fair. We all do what we have to and some of us, thank God, have more choices than others.

My mother had a lot less choices than I do. She did the best she could (which was pretty good) and I do the best I can with a LOT more resources. If I can stay home with my children, I will. It works for me in my current situation. If I had to work, I would and would not feel guilty for one minute.

You are right. I apologize. I was feeling snarky this morning when I wrote it. I apologize to anyone I offended.

 

[mking624]

I'm not a SAHM, I'm not even a parent yet. I'm in the process of adopting and have every intention of being a SAHM...it's something DH & I are planning for. That said, I don't think it's anyone's place to critique someone's choice. If they want to be a SAHM, that is their decision and regardless of what someone thinks of their financial status, they don't come on here for the purpose of being interrogated.

Quite honestly, I don't think anyone who posts on a message board can be in that bad of shape financially, because they still have a computer and internet service. Either they are exaggerating their poverty, or they haven't come to grips with the seriousness of the problem. If I were truly "destitute" I would have canceled the internet service and sold the computer ages ago.

You are assuming that every last person on this site DOES have a computer and internet access. There are such things as a library, etc, where the access is free. At the seminary my husband attends, one of the apartment buildings on campus provides free high speed internet access. We can also access the internet for free in the computer lab. So it might be wise not to assume someone is exaggerating their hardships just because they come online.

 

[KristinU]

Well, We made the choice for me to be a SAHM when my dd was born because i simply didn't want anyone else raising my child. Period. Your darn right, i will scrimp save, and pinch to be able to be there for my dd. And, you know, i was brought up the opposite.. I had a mom who was a workaholic, and i remember my grandmother taking me everyday.. I just didn't want that, i feel my mom missed alot.
Now, However, I totally understand if moms have to work because of a need to, say single moms or whatever..
However, i just think there aren't as many moms staying with their kids anymore, and it is showing in the way kids behave.
Lots of familys have 2 working parents, but also want the huge house, the 2 big SUV's and the vacation in the alps. (for example)
Yes, i could go and get a 9-5 job.. which i have - as i own my store, i am lucky enough to bring my dd to work if i need to. Which is the MAIN reason i opened my own business... if it weren't for this, i would definately be a wahm. Hands down.

I really need to stay away from threads like these...

I just feel like I have to defend my choice to be a working mom. I think it is all about work/life balance, which it sounds like your mom didn't have. I was blessed with two working parents who moved across the country to have a good work/life balance when I was a kid. Both parents worked but were not workaholics. My mom was home by 4:30 and my dad by 5:00, we ate family meals every day and spent evenings and weekends together. This is what I model my life after. DH and I both work, are home by 5:15, and we eat two meals a day together as a family (well, three on weekends), we take days off sporadically to spend just as a family, and our time at home is spent enjoying one another's company (save for the once a week I go to the grocery store while DH puts DS in bed and the once a month we go on a date without DS). We don't have a huge house (nor do I want one), or new SUVs (again - don't want 'em)...I just felt like I needed to defend myself against your stereotypes.

This is not all to say that I don't admire SAHMs - I totally do, I just know it is something I'm not cut out for.

 

[momof3littlelilos]

My husband and I decided that I would stay at home with our young children.
Even if we were confortable paying for child care, the cost of care for 2 (1 in diapers, another one coming in November) would eat up most of my income.
The cost of gas is another factor for us right now. My husband has a company car. Fueling up the minivan to commute 60 to 100 miles a day would be crazy.
For us it's just not worth considering even a PT job for me until the girls are settled in school.

 

[punkin]

You are right. I apologize. I was feeling snarky this morning when I wrote it. I apologize to anyone I offended.

You're forgiven.

I really hate these threads (but like the proverbial train wreck, I can't keep away). The SAHPs always manage to insult the working moms (and it's always the moms) and the working moms always manage to insult the SAHPs. I've been both and each has its advantages and disadvantages. Staying at home works for me now. It may all change next week and I am open to that. There is no need to disparage someone else's choice just to defend yours.

 

[Caitsmama]

KristinU , I want to explain somewhat. I have NO problem with working moms.. none what so ever!! I AM ONE! However, i have problems with moms who ship their kids off to daycare 5 days a week from 7am-5pm, just so they can go to work to afford the higher life. To me, that is wrong. PLEASE , keep in mind, i am NOT talking about school age kids, who are in school from 8-3pm, in that case, of course you should work if you want! Why wouldn't you? I would go nuts in a house all day by myself? But, i think it is HUGELY important to have at least one parent there when the child gets off the bus, I think "latchkey kids" are a big problem in our country.
And, please remember, if you are a single mom, or you HAVE no choice but to work, then i totally understand.. that is a different situation.
However, i guess from reading posts there are also women who just don't feel they are "cut out" for a sahm life, And on the other side, if you feel working makes you a better mom deep down inside, than you would be if you stayed home, then by all means do it.. It has to be what's best for the child.
i am just a firm believer that usally what's best for the child is to have a parent home with them in their early (pre-school age) years.. from baby until school age.

My comments are: I just think too many people in this country are afraid to cut corners and do without here and there to stay home with their kids. I hear lots of adults say that they can't afford to be a SAHM, (Which is kinda the opposite as this thread!LOL ) And that bugs me! Because half the time, it is not cuz they can't afford to.. It's because they don't want to "live without" the huge house, suv's .. etc.

 

[KristinU]

KristinU , I want to explain somewhat. I have NO problem with working moms.. none what so ever!! I AM ONE! However, i have problems with moms who ship their kids off to daycare 5 days a week from 7am-5pm, just so they can go to work to afford the higher life. To me, that is wrong. PLEASE , keep in mind, i am NOT talking about school age kids, who are in school from 8-3pm, in that case, of course you should work if you want! Why wouldn't you? I would go nuts in a house all day by myself? But, i think it is HUGELY important to have at least one parent there when the child gets off the bus, I think "latchkey kids" are a big problem in our country.
And, please remember, if you are a single mom, or you HAVE no choice but to work, then i totally understand.. that is a different situation.
However, i guess from reading posts there are also women who just don't feel they are "cut out" for a sahm life, And on the other side, if you feel working makes you a better mom deep down inside, than you would be if you stayed home, then by all means do it.. It has to be what's best for the child.
i am just a firm believer that usally what's best for the child is to have a parent home with them in their early (pre-school age) years.. from baby until school age.

My comments are: I just think too many people in this country are afraid to cut corners and do without here and there to stay home with their kids. I hear lots of adults say that they can't afford to be a SAHM, (Which is kinda the opposite as this thread!LOL ) And that bugs me! Because half the time, it is not cuz they can't afford to.. It's because they don't want to "live without" the huge house, suv's .. etc.

It still sounds to me like you don't approve of my choice to work (which I should be doing now since I'm past my lunch hour!)...since I fit into the "don't technically *have* to crowd" and my DS is 2.5 y.o.

I think we'll just need to agree to disagree.

 

[KristinU]

I really hate these threads (but like the proverbial train wreck, I can't keep away). The SAHPs always manage to insult the working moms (and it's always the moms) and the working moms always manage to insult the SAHPs.

ITA - and why, oh why, can't I keep away from these threads?!?!?!? We all go away with hurt feelings and boiling blood. At least we can all be friends on other threads and topics.

 

[ANNFMUR]

Interesting disucussion. I have done it all (I only worked full time for a temporary 3week position. My attitude has changes over the years. Currently I work in my own private practice. I am in control of my schedule and have made it a priority to be there as my children leave for and return from school. We use childcare to cover gaps in our schedule which add up to about four hours a week. I feel very fortunate to be able to continue in my career and I realize that others do not have the flexibility. I make a good income as does my husband. I can walk to work and I don't have to spend money on prada. My husband and children come firs, but my career is important to me and makes an important contribution to the people I work with ( and it funds the disney account). Again, I realize I am fortunate to have this set up along with a very supportive husband.

I support all women and mothers. We have an awesome responsibilty.

It drives me crazy when someone consders a college degree a waste because a woman choses to stay at home. Education is a journey. I drive my children to soccer, violin, and dance does it make it a waste if they do not become professional athletes or performers?

Every life experience contributes to who we are and what we will give back to the family and the world. All right off my soap box. I'm going to play with my kids then get to work--so I can go back to disney

 

[txgirl]

I agree that we have some serious issues with the youth in our country today, and it goes way beyond just simple behavior. However, I'm not ready to lay those issues at the feet of working moms when so many other circumstances have changed:

Divorce is so much more prevalent, and that hurts children in so many ways.
Church is no longer a part of most family's lives, or if it is, it's on a very superficial level.
Moral relativism reigns supreme; there's no right or wrong, just what you believe.
Our children are exposed to so much more television, so many more advertisements, so many more dangers -- in a way, we were "never their age".
Family time as previous generations knew it has largely disappeared; for example, so few families even sit together at the table. (I personally wonder if that's why everyone's so drawn to eating out these days -- it's the only time some families sit down together.)
Our children have been given so many toys and experiences at such a young age that they fail to appreciate them.

The world isn't the same as it was in the past, and we can't blame that on any one particular issue. Even if you and I aren't affected personally by these (and more) negatives in today's society, our children's classmates are affected and that affects our children.

Well said and I agree.

 

[Caitsmama]

Kristin, I agree, These topics are hard, and i really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and i am sure others are trying not to hurt my feelings.. So, there are times where just "agreeing to disagree" is better. Not everyone in this world agrees with everything, how boring would that be. To each his own.

BTW, Wanted to just say an extra hi, as my grandmother is in Manchester CT.. and i have been there numerous times!!

 

[Mad4Dizne]

I never look down on anyone, due to their choices in life; as they say...don't judge someone else unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. I had a point to add: I have a friend who would quite work right now if her husband said ok--but they are saving for a beach house and like to buy designer clothes, etc--their choice and as long as they are both happy--so be it. I have another friend who stays home with her preschool daughter because the staggering cost of daycare would of cost her more than she made at her full-time job. Whatever choice you make--be happy, and don't worry about what other people think!!

 

[DVCLiz]

OK, remember girls, that this was not meant to be a SAHM/working mom debate. My question was:

Why do so many posters on recent financial threads refer to their money problems, and yet they don't or won't go get a job to make extra money????

If you all want to debate the home/working issue, please start a thread about it. But you're off topic for my original question!!!!

 

[MrsPete]

However, i have problems with moms who ship their kids off to daycare 5 days a week from 7am-5pm, just so they can go to work to afford the higher life. To me, that is wrong.

Here's the question: Where's the line between necessary and the higher lifestyle? One person will tell you that if you're eating three times a day and keeping a roof over your head, that's all you need -- more is just window dressing. Another person will argue that building savings for the future is necessary -- that it insulates the family from crisis, allows the children many advantages, and means that you'll not become a burden to your children in your old age. One person will say that living in a certain area is an expensive, wasteful choice; another person will argue that side of the county is expensive but it has better schools.

Who are you and I to say what's the better choice for another family? Who are you and I to draw the line between necessary and extravagant for someone else?

For my own family, I may not have spent every moment with them as infants and toddlers, I may not have been the one who laid them down for every nap . . . but I did nurse them each for two years, I did read to them every day, I did teach them to cook and clean at an early age, I did take them to church and the park and the science museums regularly, and I like the young women they're growing up to be. I know my kids, and I'm close to them. PLUS -- because I've worked -- now that we're looking at braces, I know I can simply write a check for the whole cost, I know that they will not have to take out student loans for college, and I know that we can travel extensively together without concern for the cost. Yet you say I'm wrong because I put them in day care, which they barely remember anyway. I have no problem with my choices -- I know I did what's right for my family.

I just think too many people in this country are afraid to cut corners and do without here and there to stay home with their kids. I hear lots of adults say that they can't afford to be a SAHM, (Which is kinda the opposite as this thread!LOL ) And that bugs me! Because half the time, it is not cuz they can't afford to.. It's because they don't want to "live without" the huge house, suv's .. etc.

No, I really think lots of people CAN'T afford to stay home today, but I don't think it's that they're not willing to give up little things for their children. I think it's because so many people are paying for yesterday's financial choices: credit card balances, student loans, and more. We're constantly inundated with advertisements that tell us "you must have this" and "you deserve that" and "pay later" . . . and lots of people fall victim to the "it's okay to pay later" mantra. I think lots of people really do have to work today because they're still paying for clothes that are worn out, meals that they ate a year ago, and vacations they took before they had kids. We -- collective "we", no one in particular -- are not doing a good job of teaching our children to look ahead financially, and as a result many young families really don't have options. By the time they realize they need to make a choice about staying home/working, they realize that their previous decisions have already cast that die for them.

 

[MrsPete]

I make a good income as does my husband. I can walk to work and I don't have to spend money on prada. My husband and children come firs, but my career is important to me and makes an important contribution to the people I work with ( and it funds the disney account). Again, I realize I am fortunate to have this set up along with a very supportive husband.

I also make a decent salary, and it doesn't cost me a "Prada fortune" to do so. And I agree that I wouldn't be nearly as successful in balancing work and home if I didn't have a supportive husband who really does his share of the child-rearing. I'm not quite close enough to walk to work (2 miles), but I'm seriously considering buying a bike -- mostly for the exercise, not for the cost savings because I'm keeping my car; I'd never bike in bad weather. The only thing stopping me is that I don't have a safe place to store the bike at work.

It drives me crazy when someone consders a college degree a waste because a woman choses to stay at home. Education is a journey. I drive my children to soccer, violin, and dance does it make it a waste if they do not become professional athletes or performers?

I agree. I want a college degree in an employable field for my two daughters about as much as I want anything in this world. Once they have it, however, they can make their own decisions. If they marry men with good incomes, they choose to live frugal lives, and they stay home and raise their children, I will be perfectly happy and never say that my money was wasted on their educations.

I want to know that they have those degrees, though, so that I know they could work if they ever need to do so, and they'll never find themselves unable to support their families if they should need or want to do so. I want them to be able to choose whether they work or not; I don't want their decision to be made based upon desperation.

 

[pearlieq]

However, i have problems with moms who ship their kids off to daycare 5 days a week from 7am-5pm, just so they can go to work to afford the higher life. To me, that is wrong.

And, please remember, if you are a single mom, or you HAVE no choice but to work, then i totally understand.. that is a different situation.

Now this bugs. You don't get to call a woman's choice "wrong". Period. It's not your place to judge.

And it's also not your place to grant special dispensation to single moms who HAVE to work.

 

[dementia412]

In my opinion it's all about choice. You chose to give up time with the kids, or to give up the money, or to compromise. No choice is the absolute best choice for all women. I can't stand when people say they can't go to work, or they can't stay at home. There are some people who really have no choice, and those who claim they don't (to make their point or to make themselves feel better about a choice they are not 100% about) make all women look bad. Just admit that it's your choice, and d@mn the people who will look down at you for making it, doesn't mean you have to look down at them for their choice. I am not speaking of those who are single parents, or have some problem in their life which makes work necesary or impossible.

btw I have not read this thread, I have read everything on this topic I could stomache over the years. People get nasty, defensive, depressed... both sides can be as bad. Instead of suporting one another, we attack in the fear that someone is saying our child rearing isn't "right", and in turn tell others that their child rearing isn't "right".

 

[Caitsmama]

OK, remember girls, that this was not meant to be a SAHM/working mom debate. My question was:

Why do so many posters on recent financial threads refer to their money problems, and yet they don't or won't go get a job to make extra money????

If you all want to debate the home/working issue, please start a thread about it. But you're off topic for my original question!!!!

I apologize.

On your question: My answer to that is.. IF I were in dire financial straights, I would have NO problem getting a pt job to help the family out! I think if your family is in need that badly,and you have tried cutting back I don't know why they wouldn't go get pt work somewhere.. There are also tons of things to do from home to help earn money..
Have yardsales, EBAY, etc.. You can help even if you can't leave the house. So, i don't know the answer to your question.. I have told my dh, give me til my dd is in school ft, and if my biz hasn't picked up by then to the point where i can bring home money to help, then i will definately get a pt job! That is part of my responsiblity to my family!

MrsPete, Not to go off topic again, i am not going to get into your posts.. But,i just have to contently disagree with you on this.