Recent Budget Threads and SAHMs

[LBelle]

From the way I read it, it's neither.

I don't think the OP is asking anyone to defend being a SAHM, explain why they decided to become one, or explain how they make it work.

I think she's asking why SAHMs who post here obviously in dire straits (not just feeling the pinch or looking for tips to make ends meet, but in REAL trouble) don't automatically seek employment.

It does seem to me to be one of the first things to do in a financial crisis, but I can imagine (and I gather the OP can imagine, too) that some women don't think the same way and I wonder what their reasons are.

Got ya!!!

I agree, it would seem silly to NOT try to make $$$ if your family was suffering in ANY way due to lack of funds!!!

 

[LBelle]

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Your little girl is sooooo BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[LBelle]

I'm a SAHM and a homeschooling mom (which involves more expenses and $0 salary) because that's what DS needs. DS never really spoke until he was 4 and we'd been very concerned about autism. As it turns out, he's not autistic, but has an auditory processing disorder. We tried having him in a small Montessori pre-school and he simply could not absorb oral directions enough to engage in tasks fully. We're now starting 5th grade and he's doing quite well academically (as backed up by standardized tests), does TaeKwonDo 3 times a week and has a good group of friends.

It was never in the plan, but I have no doubts and no regrets about our decision. DH works very hard and has a salary that allows us to meet our needs. For extras, I try the eBay/yard sale route. The university he works for has an excellent matching plan for retirement, but my retirement contributions ended when I stopped working. I've thought about what I could do to earn a bit of income, but it's a lot of work to creatively and enthusiastically teach each day and fine tune lesson plans in the evening and try to have some time for DH and myself.

Karla B.

WOW!!!! I must take my hat off to you!! That must be both rewarding AND tiring!!! Not that what you do is the same thing but I also feel an equal amount of RESPECT towards SAHMs who do 'home daycare'......what an exhausting job that must be!!!! And so under appreciated!!!!

 

[MrsPete]

I understand where the original poster's coming from. I often wonder what moms are thinking when they write -- frequently in frantic terms -- that they're in financial trouble, yet they won't even consider employment outside the home. I can understand choosing staying at home over vacations, meals out, or name-brand clothes if you're making ends meet every month -- that's a matter of giving up little day-to-day luxuries -- but I don't really grasp the idea of giving up basic financial security in the name of daycare avoidance. I'm not convinced that living paycheck-to-paycheck with nothing in savings is in the family's long-term best interest, yet some people advocate staying home regardless of the cost to the family's financial future -- that's the concept I think the original poster was questioning.

I think the real question for SAHMs is not, "Why don't you get a job if your family's in financial trouble?", I think the question is, "How much are you willing to sacrafice to stay at home?"

Would you give up meals out?
Would you wear the same winter coat for five years?
Would you give up the family's second car?
Would you live in an apartment instead of your own home? a trailer? your mother-in-law's basement?
Would you postpone retirement for 5 years? 10 years? more?
Would you continue to stay home if you felt your marriage was shakey and you feared divorce?
Would you go without health insurance? let your children go without braces?
Would you forgo college savings?
Would you continue to stay at home if your spouse were laid-off?
Would you go on public assistance to be able to stay home?
Would you tell your children "no" to ballet lessons, horseback riding lessons, or summer camp?

I'm not saying that staying home is either good or bad; it's much more complicated than just good or bad, and every family must filter the choices through their individual circumstances and resources. What I am saying is that there's a cost to staying home -- given that working moms are building up pensions and 401Ks and working their way up the salary ladder, the cost of staying home is more than just the missed paychecks. Every family must consider this from a financial point-of-view AND an emotional point-of-view, and for each of us there's a "line in the sand" that we're not willing to cross -- for each of us there's a point where staying home becomes too expensive. The real question is, "Where's your line -- at what point is staying home not worth the financial cost?"

You can argue the other side of this coin too: there's a cost to working. Depending upon your circumstances, that cost might include harried mornings, occasional problems when the kids are sick, fewer home-cooked meals . . . but I'll leave that alone because it's off-topic for this thread. Anyway, the bottom line is the same: You'd have to ask yourself the same question, "Where's your line -- at what point is working not worth the cost/effort?"

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I was a SAHM for 8 years. DH and I have learned to live on his income. He makes approx. 65K per yr. before OT and bonus. We own a home, drive decent cars and contribute to 401K religiously and we tithe 10% to church. It is all about priorities. We decided when i was pregnant with DD9 that I would stay home with her. It was because I waited to have kids, and at 33 I did not want to hand my brand new baby over to someone else while I went to work. I was going to have to pay someone to do a job that I wanted. I figured that it just didn't make sense. So DH and I decided I would stay home. Along came #2 DD. So, I just continued to stay home. When she went to Kindergarden, I decided to do something. I began to volunteer in the the girls school. The Principal asked me if I had a degree and would I be interested in subbing. I said sure. I get to be with my girls and make $$ too. I get to be off on all holidays, early out days and my summers are mine.

I will continue to work this way until the girls are gone. While the younger years are important, we feel that it is far more important for me to be with them during middle school and high school. There are too many opportunities for them to make bad choices (I pray that they don't but you never know), or endure peer pressure. I fell prey to that and I don't want my kids to. Anyway it is nice to know that there are other moms out there who think like I do.

 

[ohiominnie]

I'm a SAHM but also a homeschooling mom--so August-June I'm pretty much tied up all day. Add to that my children are pretty involved in the theater (plays and acting classes) so during certain times of the year rehearsal schedules can be very unpredictable and grueling. We have no family in the area who could watch the kids while I worked. Plus we live in the country so for me to even have a job other than Wal*mart, Wendy's or Kroger, it would involved at least a 30 minute commute each way. Not that 30 minutes is a whole lot, but adding that to a work day it gets pretty long.

I did train as a nurse, but nursing schedules are not very conducive to a "normal" family life, especially a homeschooling family!

 

[The Disney Bunch]

I can understand what the OP was requesting but I think you SAHM's should re-read some of your posts. As a mom who works, I take offense at some of the comments and some of the holier-than-thou attitudes.

 

[LBelle]

I can understand what the OP was requesting but I think you SAHM's should re-read some of your posts. As a mom who works, I take offense at some of the comments and some of the holier-than-thou attitudes.

You take 'offense' to WHAT comments and 'holier than thou' attitudes??????????????????????????????????????????


Are you even serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


YOU choose to work full-time - YOUR choice....we CHOOSE to stay at home - OUR choice......who has the ATTITUDE here?????????????

I re-read ALL of the posts and if you care to revisit them yourself WITHOUT being so 'sensitive' you may discover that they are simply woman presenting THEIR own reasons for deciding to be SAHMs!!! I assume that YOU have YOUR own reasons for deciding NOT to be a SAHM, correct? Would YOU appreciate being attacked simply for presenting YOUR views on this subject??

Please, do us all a favor and GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[powellrj]

The OP is talking about my neighbors.

She is a SAHM and always has been. Looks down on me because I work full-time ( I know this because her kids tell me). Her DH is a sometimes employed low-end wage earner (think fast food).

Kids never have winter coats unless someone gives them one and this is Indiana so a winter coat is a NEED.

Kids come down and complain they are going to lose food stamps unless dad finds a new job, can we get him a job.

Kids come down and complain their power has been off for several days.

Kids come down and say that mom is going to APPLY for a $19 and hour job at a factory that is going to be hiring and are now thrilled they can get their power turned back on.

Kids come down and say that mom won't APPLY for job because it will cut into family time.

These are the SAHMs the OP is talking about.

I agree, its not the SAHMs who drive older cars or eat at home more the OP is talking about, its people that really put their families lives in danger because they don't want to give up family time.

I haven't read as much on the budget board lately, so I have missed the posts OP is talking about. BUT over the years I have seen many SAHM who post about dire situations and have to wonder why would you put your family in such a dangerous situation? These are the posters who the OP is talking about. There was a gal a couple of years ago who was left alone all day in an apartment with no heat and no diapers and nothing to feed the baby, but yet was proud to be a SAHM. I ofter wonder about these people too.

 

[LBelle]

I can understand what the OP was requesting but I think you SAHM's should re-read some of your posts. As a mom who works, I take offense at some of the comments and some of the holier-than-thou attitudes.

By the way...if there is a thread on the DIS re: why do you choose to work and I went on and read all these women's reasons as to why they CHOOSE to work full-time I don't think it would go over very well if for every woman that posted the most frequent responses (which will follow) I had something to say about how offensive their comments/views are to ME...

"I want to/have to contribute to the household income" - are they martyrs?

"I love my job/want to advance in my chosen field", etc - are they selfish and/or self-centred?

"I would be bored to tears stuck at home day in and day out" - are you saying that SAHMs must be a bunch of lazy nobodys?

"I like to have something interesting to talk with my DH about" - does that make your marriages more fulfilling/stable/interesting than ours?

NO...those would simply be THEIR OWN reasons for their decision to work (outside of the home)

rant OVER!!

 

[3dog2kidmom]

On the other side of the coin, I'm also a mom who works by choice. I didn't want to give up my great job and sacrifice the little luxuries we were used to, having waited 12 years to have children. The loss of my salary would have been too great. I actually feel that my children flourished in their Christian daycare situations. They were able to experience other loving/caring adults, were very socialized and had friends before kindergarten, and learned how to do things they wouldn't have learned from me. Plus they got a jump start to their education and are far ahead of their classmates. DH is self-employed and is now able to spend after-school time with them. Would I like to stay home? Now, yes, maybe. But I don't feel my children suffer from my working.

 

[txgirl]

I've been reading all of these recent threads about how people are feeling the pinch, looking for ways to cope with rising gas and energy costs, etc. and something has struck me.

I got the impression based on this part of the OP's statement that she *wasn't* talking about people without winter coats. It sounded more like a "hey, if you want more money why don't you get a job?" I think the reason people have responded in spite of their *no-poverty* situations who are SAHM's is because they have probably struggled at some point to make that income situation work (no crackers with ketchup, but still struggle ya know?) so they thought they could contribute their opinions.

I posted because even though we are *making it* it wasn't always easy but was worth the struggle at that time to ensure that this choice would work for our family.

I haven't read through the other thread, but I guess I need to do that so I can see the part with the SAHM who is putting her family in dire straits.

 

[LBelle]

The OP is talking about my neighbors.

She is a SAHM and always has been. Looks down on me because I work full-time ( I know this because her kids tell me). Her DH is a sometimes employed low-end wage earner (think fast food).

Kids never have winter coats unless someone gives them one and this is Indiana so a winter coat is a NEED.

Kids come down and complain they are going to lose food stamps unless dad finds a new job, can we get him a job.

Kids come down and complain their power has been off for several days.

Kids come down and say that mom is going to APPLY for a $19 and hour job at a factory that is going to be hiring and are now thrilled they can get their power turned back on.

Kids come down and say that mom won't APPLY for job because it will cut into family time.

These are the SAHMs the OP is talking about.

I agree, its not the SAHMs who drive older cars or eat at home more the OP is talking about, its people that really put their families lives in danger because they don't want to give up family time.

I haven't read as much on the budget board lately, so I have missed the posts OP is talking about. BUT over the years I have seen many SAHM who post about dire situations and have to wonder why would you put your family in such a dangerous situation? These are the posters who the OP is talking about. There was a gal a couple of years ago who was left alone all day in an apartment with no heat and no diapers and nothing to feed the baby, but yet was proud to be a SAHM. I ofter wonder about these people too.

That situation must make you crazy!!! I totally agree with you..it is simply wrong to NOT contribute $$$ in ANY (legal!) way possible to ensure that children are PROPERLY cared for! I wonder why 'agencies' don't sometimes step in! It just goes to show that there are good AND not so good (BAD!!) parents, whether they work or they don't!!

 

[bunny]

In defense of The Disney Bunch, some of these threads have referenced not allowing other people to raise your children, missing all the firsts, being proud your children never had to go to daycare etc. If you don't think that is a slam against working moms, then you are not thinking from a working mom's point of view. I work with two children. My husband was married before and pays a lot of child support. I also have a Masters Degree and make a great income. I am proud of the fact that my children are in private school and already have their entire college needs funded. They are both gifted and excel in school. I have seen every one of their firsts (maybe later in the day) but it was still the first time I saw them. They have been in top notch daycares. But I can understand that if you didn't have a high paying job it might not be worth it financially to work. If your family is in dire straits, you need to do something though. Being a SAHM is not more important than putting food on the table or paying your bills.

 

[LBelle]

On the other side of the coin, I'm also a mom who works by choice. I didn't want to give up my great job and sacrifice the little luxuries we were used to, having waited 12 years to have children. The loss of my salary would have been too great. I actually feel that my children flourished in their Christian daycare situations. They were able to experience other loving/caring adults, were very socialized and had friends before kindergarten, and learned how to do things they wouldn't have learned from me. Plus they got a jump start to their education and are far ahead of their classmates. DH is self-employed and is now able to spend after-school time with them. Would I like to stay home? Now, yes, maybe. But I don't feel my children suffer from my working.

I agree with you totally!! Of course your kids are not suffering because you work outside the home! I also agree that most (?) kid's who have been with a great daycare program ARE often ahead of their peers.

There is NO right or wrong way of raising our families...to each his own as long as children don't suffer as a consequence (and by that I ONLY mean due to lack of finances). Working PARENTS do NOT love or care for their children any less than the stay at home parents do and the SAHparents do NOT care more about their child's well-being or being there to experience all the "firsts" of their children than all the working parents.

 

[punkin]

I am a SAHM because I can. My husband has a great job and no, we don't even feel much of a "pinch" on a single salary and I gave up $65K per year 7 years ago. I enjoyed staying at home with my DD while she was in pre-school and now I enjoy staying at home for myself. I could start a new job next month if I wanted to, but I don't and my husband (so far ) goes along with the program. I work part-time from home selling books on Amazon.com which pays for my Disney trips.

I have to say that if we were financially unstable in any way ... if we had credit card debt or if we had problems paying the bills I would be working in a heartbeat. Then again, I had a career which I have kept updated. I can take care of myself and the rest of my family "just in case". We have a small house that we bought 13 years ago and when we bought our last car we made sure that we bought a cheaper one. OK .. I felt a slight "pinch" in trading in a Saab and buying a Mazda, but that was the duel-income Robin doing all the feeling. The single income Robin thinks having a new car is cool even if it isn't Swedish.

I am concerned about many of the SAHMs who have nothing to fall back on. Sure, staying home with the kids is important ... that's why I made the choice I did. But being able to stand on your own two feet is important too. With so many marriages ending in divorce, I worry about what some women will do when it happens to them.

Hey, are you living my life?

I just wanted to add that I can probably never go back to making the kind of money I was making before my younger daughter was born, but I can get a job that will at least pay minimal expenses very quickly. I have an education and a professional degree. I am marketable. I can stand on my own two feet, but I am extremely lucky that I can stay home with my children and have a DH who supports me (even though he would rather have me working).

 

[golden1]

Back to the OP:

We are not in a desparate situation, but we sure could use the money from another job. In my case, for the next year, it makes no sense because the cost of having two children in daycare here would be about $1800. Add to that the cost of clothes, gas and other related work expenses, my roughly $2500 a month salary would be essentially voided. It made no sense for me work my *** off to be in the same financial situation as I am not working. When my dd goes to kindergarten, then it is worth it for me to work.

If I needed to I would work a job in the evening when my dh got home from work but I won't do that unless it is absolutely necessary. Right now, we are able to save 10% of DH's salary for retirement, and pay our bills. We just have very little disposable income and I can live with that. This Disney vacation is our first vacation in over 5 years and probably our last for the next 3-4 years.

 

[java]

Wow and being a SAHM now doesn't mean that we didn't have a high paying job before- that we didn't plan for our children and save our paychecks ahead of time. That we made choices to be with our children. I take offense when people say that they are shocked that I left the job I left to be a SAHM- Did I leave my brain at work? I can still use it at home. I do think the majority of the save money threads are just that- ways to be more frugal with our money so we can have more to spend on things that are more important to us(like Disney lol) I don't think I have ever seen a SAHM post on here like the one in the No coats mention. Now that IS just crazy. I have the conversation with my DH about how he is feeling.. if this is still working for him.. because if he ever felt the pressure you bet I would go back to work. I love being able to stay home with my children(I have 4 the youngest is 1) and if it ever becomes a burden to my family I would go back to work.(probably not doing what I did before because my family would never see me but I have options) I believe most of the saving money threads are just that- ways for us to save money and why is that a SAHM vs. Working Mom thing? My working mom friends want to save money too!

 

[disneyjunkie]

In defense of The Disney Bunch, some of these threads have referenced not allowing other people to raise your children, missing all the firsts, being proud your children never had to go to daycare etc. If you don't think that is a slam against working moms, then you are not thinking from a working mom's point of view.

 

[JeepOnRock]

Our situation is that both my wife and I changed our lifestyles when our son was born. I went in to real estate and my wife started a typing business from home. We a re both based at home, although both of us have to deal with clients away from the house. Our son attends a Mommy's Morning Out program which gives whichever one of us is with him that day a little more uninterupted work time and allows him to socialize with other children.

We both decided that we wanted to share the little moments that make up childhood. We were both there when he took his first steps, and when he gigled for the first time. We've seen the advance in his speech, and all of the little things that make up his personality.

It has been tough, with both of us starting businesses. We both made pretty good money BG (before Garrett), but the trade has been worth it.

I can understand Mothers (and Fathers) that continue to work, but I didn't want to spend 60 hours a week at work and miss all of those great moments.