Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[World Showcaser]

Wow...a whole lot of people have made a whole lot of assumptions that are just plain wrong.

1. This isn't about my vacation time. The first week they were here I was actually still working and took them to work with me and had to cancel appointments to work from home.

2. My DH and his ex do not have a decent relationship. They have not been in the same room together in years and she chooses to speak with him though me, most of the time. I have a fine relationship with each of them and my ex and I have a wonderful coparenting relationship and live across the street from each other. He agreed to take the kids because he is afraid to make her upset. But their drama has nothing to do with me.

3. My stepkids are absolutely welcome at my house any time. However, since it is illegal to leave minor children home alone, they are not able to be here whenever they feel like it. (That and the two hour drive between us and their mother's refusal to drive them here. She has never been I our neighbourhood in her life.)

4. It wasn't like I would be sitting home and doing nothing all week. I had plans to go out of town to visit my family actually, who I rarely see due to distance.

5. No I wasn't consulated ahead of time. I was told I had to go pick them up and it was explained to me that his work plans had changed and he would only take Christmas Day and New Years Day off during the 2 weeks. And of course I did it because I love my stepkids.

6. Yes, you bet I expressed my displeasure and we have talked about it several times since. And there will be further discussions.

7. I would never ever ever leave my son with my DH without asking him first and it has rarely ever happened that he has been alone with him. I wouldn't leave him with his own dad for that matter without making arrangements ahead of time. My DH is not responsible for my son's childcare. His parents are. And do parents really get to go to the grocery store alone?

8. My son and his children spend equal amounts of time in our home. Their mother lets them spend every holiday with us because she wants the time to herself. And I am quite happy about having them for those special times and have never complained. I am complaining, not about the holiday, but about all the time surrounding the holidays. We are supposed to share these times, which I think is important for the kids to have time with each family. We had them the entire summer minus a week and a half. So we have them plenty when it is not "our turn" but when you are coparenting from different cities, you do have to take turns. In fact, it's the law here.

9. The kids and I had fun but they didn't understand why they couldn't spend some time with their mom and commented many times about how they hardly got to see their dad.

10. In our family, step parents are not equal to parents. I am their step mother, not their mother, and there is a different relationship there with different responsibilities. I love them dearly but I would never try to be their mother. And we have all agreed upon this and it works well for us. I have a great relationship with my stepkids. We are very close. That's not the issue here.

11. My husband works to pay child support and his car insurance payment. None of his money supports me, my child or him for that matter. I have a great job and make loads more money. I'm not sure why this is relevant to some people but there you go. And it's not admirable of him to pay child support. It's his responsibility.

12. This is mostly not about me taking care of my stepkids or loving them or any of those things. My issue is about disrespect and ungratitude from my DH.

13. I firmly believe I deserve to have time off to myself once a year. I work very hard at my job and at being a wonderful mother, stepmother and wife.

14. I am not complaining about them being in my home. I am complaining about the expectation that I watch them alone 24/7 for 2 weeks, without a car, to make matters worse.

15. Yes, my son enjoyed having his step siblings here. However, he did miss the time that we had scheduled to do things just the two of us and the visit to see his family. I have promised him we will take two days during winter break and go on a trip, just him and I. And, for the record, he loves having time to play by himself. He begs for it in fact and it's rarely ever possible.

Thank you to those who made an attempt to sympathize or empathize. Your comments were really helpful to me. And you are right about me needing to create more boundaries. I need to start standing up for myself more and stop being used...by both of their parents.

I am shocked at the overt sexism in this thread, and a lot of it has come from women. I guarentee if I was a man the responses would be different.

OP, where would the children have stayedif you had been at work? Do you think you would have been nearly as frustrated if your husbNd had been more involved and helpful when he came home in the evening?

This is exactly where my post stemmed from. Thank you! I would have felt a whole lot better if my DH would have recognized that I was being kind to watch the children and that I was doing a good job. And if he would have made an effort to spend some time with them and do something things for us when he was home.

 

[Jedana]

Ain't it the truth.

Speaking for my situation, DSD4 lives with us full time. She goes to her mothers every other weekend. I am the primary caregiver since DFi works so much. I am the one that gets the girls ready for school in the morning, drives them to school, prepares their meals, picks them up from school, drives them to activities, ensures they have clean clothes to wear every day, makes sure they take showers regularly, take them to the doctor when they need it, etc. etc. etc.

As a stepmom (or future stepmom if we want to get technical) I am told I am supposed to love DSD as if she were my own and treat her the same as I do my DD8 but that I am not her parent and issues of discipline, health concerns, etc. are not my responsibility and I have no say in the matter.

I'm sorry, some women may be able to deal with that but I can't. That does NOT fly with me. If I'm the one taking care of DSD's every day needs and I am her primary caregiver if I have a concern such as behavioral problems and other things such as being nearly 4 years old and not potty trained, my god I'm going to express them. Especially since the work to fix them will be primarily on my shoulders.

But, for those efforts, I am labeled an evil step monster who just doesn't understand DSD and how very wrong it is that I have actual expectations for behavior out of DSD. Oh the horror.

The bolded part----that's totally not cool. If you are the step parent, you need to be as involved with that child as the parent is, no matter the situation.

I wouldn't want my DH taking my kid--any of them---to get their belly button pierced, without talking to me about it. I would afford him (or the ex) the same courtesy. Disciplining---anyone involved with the child needs to be on the same page. If the child is disciplined for lying at one house with a time out, they need to be disciplined at the other the exact same way.

When ex-H remarried, I made sure to extend a hand of greeting to her. I made sure that DD1 understood that her step-ma was just as much in charge as I was, and that she had to follow and respect her rules, when they were together. They divorced after 4 years (after she finally had enough of his abuse) and the step-ma stayed in contact with DD1--even came to her wedding (where her father was not invited).

 

[amjb]

I discipline any child who comes into my house(family or friends). You respect my rules. I cannot imagine having an agreement that a child enters the house of another for any period of time without expecting reasonable discipline. Are you just supposed to ignore bad behavior and pretend it isn't happening? Is it free reign for the child to behave anyway they want? I don't think you get to make that distinction ever if there is a shared custody agreement and one parent is remarried. Is that adult just supposed to be a shadow while the child is under their roof?

I work with many families in which SPs have to watch their stepchildren and are not allowed to discipline. Many times their parents think the step is too harsh on their child or not objective.

In addition, lots of kids play the 2 households against each other... "mom doesn't make me go to bed so early" or "Dad lets me eat junk all weekend".

I'm not saying that a SP should not have the ability to discipline, just that it's not so cut and dried, and sometimes can be a very sensitive issue.

Just because a SP is not equal to a Parent does not mean they are not a loving and caring person in that child's life.

 

[nugov2]

No one said that children aren't welcome in any of the posts. The fact that you are making up falase statements to support your POV is telling.

Maybe they didn't say not welcome, but some posters very much implied not wanted b/c it was messing up the "new little family". I think it is that sentiment that has people upset.

I also agree there is a difference between being accommodating and being a doormat in any relationship. Her DH needs to work on that and it has nothing to do with dealing with it just being stepchildren. We should have that common courtesy for our spouses no matter what. When I go to the store I don't just up and leave dh with all three kids without discussing it with him and vice versa. I say hey whats on the agenda today...I was thinking of doing x,y,z and he shows me the same respect.

 

[World Showcaser]

How come you had to drive the kids 2 hours home? That would have been my tipping point

Because their mother refuses to do any of the driving and DH is at work.

But I should update....

After I typed this this morning, I told him that he can do the two hour drive tonight when he is done work or in the morning before he goes to work.m so we are hanging out at home until he gets done.

 

[amjb]

The bolded part----that's totally not cool. If you are the step parent, you need to be as involved with that child as the parent is, no matter the situation.

This is a dangerous and faulty statement. It's shaming.

The only way that works is if the actual parents are of the same opinion.. and they really don't need to be.

Some parent have it covered and they see their partners as an positive adult influence, like an aunt figure in a household and that's OK.

 

[nugov2]

I work with many families in which SPs have to watch their stepchildren and are not allowed to discipline. Many times their parents think the step is too harsh on their child or not objective.

In addition, lots of kids play the 2 households against each other... "mom doesn't make me go to bed so early" or "Dad lets me eat junk all weekend".

I'm not saying that a SP should not have the ability to discipline, just that it's not so cut and dried, and sometimes can be a very sensitive issue.

Just because a SP is not equal to a Parent does not mean they are not a loving and caring person in that child's life.

How are you to watch and be responsible for a child on your own without discipling them. I call ******** on that being in place in any household that allows a SP to care for a SC. What if the child climbs on the roof? What if they are destroying your house or harming another child? Seriously, that is the most unreasonable thing I have ever heard and I know many who are in blended families with some hostile situations. I can see where terms of discipline are laid down..ie no hitting etc but to flat out say you cannot discipline at all and be expected to just be a shadow in the house not allowed to redirect behavior...nope. Any situation where a SP is allowed/expected to care for the SC they have agreed to allowing that person to become and equal parent when it comes to certain issues and discipline is one of them. It can't work any other way.

That is like me hiring someone to babysit and telling them they cannot discipline my child and should allow them to be in control the entire time. What's the point of having the sitter, I might as well leave them home alone if I don't want someone to care for them. Discipline is showing you care/love a child when done appropriately.

 

[amjb]

Maybe they didn't say not welcome, but some posters very much implied not wanted b/c it was messing up the "new little family". I think it is that sentiment that has people upset.

I also agree there is a difference between being accommodating and being a doormat in any relationship. Her DH needs to work on that and it has nothing to do with dealing with it just being stepchildren. We should have that common courtesy for our spouses no matter what. When I go to the store I don't just up and leave dh with all three kids without discussing it with him and vice versa. I say hey whats on the agenda today...I was thinking of doing x,y,z and he shows me the same respect.

Yes, and that's how it should be.

 

[World Showcaser]

Maybe they didn't say not welcome, but some posters very much implied not wanted b/c it was messing up the "new little family". I think it is that sentiment that has people upset.

Just to be clear...I was NOT the one who said this. I would be very sad if my stepkids couldn't be here for a holiday. I've never missed a birthday, holiday, last day of school, school concert, anything! I don't consider us as having two families....just sometimes we aren't all together.

 

[amjb]

I am shocked at the overt sexism in this thread, and a lot of it has come from women. I guarentee if I was a man the responses would be different.

I am shocked as well.

There seems to be a societal expectation and whole lot of projection going on.

 

[amjb]

Just to be clear...I was NOT the one who said this. I would be very sad if my stepkids couldn't be here for a holiday. I've never missed a birthday, holiday, last day of school, school concert, anything! I don't consider us as having two families....just sometimes we aren't all together.

And there is absolutely NO reason for you to be shamed about you wanting alone time with your kids as well.

 

[World Showcaser]

This works for you... but may not for others.

I am a child advocate in the court system and have extensive child and family psych background.

The "we are all parents" approach can do more damage than good. To have that type of parenting plan requires that everyone be on the same page and have equal rights as well as responsibility.

This means steps have right to discipline. Not all parent are comfortable with that.

It doesn't work when parenting styles differ or when children feel divided loyalties. Some moms do NOT want another woman parenting their child and vice/versa.

Steps families work best when boundaries are clear, there is mutual respect and everyone knows and accepts their role.

Yes, we have this situation. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not to discipline my stepkids and that was hard to navigate at first but it's fine now. I don't have the same responsibilities as their parents. I don't pay child support, childcare bills, extracurricular fees, health costs, etc. I am not a major decision maker in their lives. I can't travel with them without permission.

But why are we talking about this? In our case, none of these things are a problem. I honestly don't care. I'm secure in my role.

 

[usnuzuloose]

OP you took on the new husband as well as his children, there should be no conditions. You either accept this or you don't. I hope your husband does not see this thread.

 

[Turn the Page]

The bolded part----that's totally not cool. If you are the step parent, you need to be as involved with that child as the parent is, no matter the situation.

I wouldn't want my DH taking my kid--any of them---to get their belly button pierced, without talking to me about it. I would afford him (or the ex) the same courtesy. Disciplining---anyone involved with the child needs to be on the same page. If the child is disciplined for lying at one house with a time out, they need to be disciplined at the other the exact same way.

When ex-H remarried, I made sure to extend a hand of greeting to her. I made sure that DD1 understood that her step-ma was just as much in charge as I was, and that she had to follow and respect her rules, when they were together. They divorced after 4 years (after she finally had enough of his abuse) and the step-ma stayed in contact with DD1--even came to her wedding (where her father was not invited).

I guess I should clarify. Society as a whole generally says that I am supposed to love DSD as if she were my own and treat her the same as I do my DD but that I'm not a parent and have no authority or say in disciplinary matters or any of that stuff. DFi does not tell me that (though it has taken a bit of effort to get him to agree that my concerns regarding her behavior need to be respected and acted upon). He has told me over and over that he wants me to think of DSD as my own. His mother on the other hand......well, that's another matter entirely.

Things are probably going to get very heated with his ex next week. In a nut shell, and since it bears on the conversation if not the OP, DSD's behavioral issues have prompted the pediatrician to refer us to a child psychiatrist. The pediatrician feels her behavior problems are due solely to instability when she lived with her mother. I disagree with that speculation. I think it's a factor but I don't think that's the sole reason for her behavior. Anyway, DSD's mother is demanding to come to the appointment. I'm quite certain she will try to kick me out because I am not a parent and have no reason to be there. Sorry lady, if I'm doing your job because you gave up custody then I am damn well going to go to see the child psychiatrist to discuss the problems that I, not you, I deal with on a daily basis. I bet that'll tick her off but I am beyond caring about her feelings at this point.

 

[msjprincess]

Wow...a whole lot of people have made a whole lot of assumptions that are just plain wrong.

1. This isn't about my vacation time. The first week they were here I was actually still working and took them to work with me and had to cancel appointments to work from home.

2. My DH and his ex do not have a decent relationship. They have not been in the same room together in years and she chooses to speak with him though me, most of the time. I have a fine relationship with each of them and my ex and I have a wonderful coparenting relationship and live across the street from each other. He agreed to take the kids because he is afraid to make her upset. But their drama has nothing to do with me.

3. My stepkids are absolutely welcome at my house any time. However, since it is illegal to leave minor children home alone, they are not able to be here whenever they feel like it. (That and the two hour drive between us and their mother's refusal to drive them here. She has never been I our neighbourhood in her life.)

4. It wasn't like I would be sitting home and doing nothing all week. I had plans to go out of town to visit my family actually, who I rarely see due to distance.

5. No I wasn't consulated ahead of time. I was told I had to go pick them up and it was explained to me that his work plans had changed and he would only take Christmas Day and New Years Day off during the 2 weeks. And of course I did it because I love my stepkids.

6. Yes, you bet I expressed my displeasure and we have talked about it several times since. And there will be further discussions.

7. I would never ever ever leave my son with my DH without asking him first and it has rarely ever happened that he has been alone with him. I wouldn't leave him with his own dad for that matter without making arrangements ahead of time. My DH is not responsible for my son's childcare. His parents are. And do parents really get to go to the grocery store alone?

8. My son and his children spend equal amounts of time in our home. Their mother lets them spend every holiday with us because she wants the time to herself. And I am quite happy about having them for those special times and have never complained. I am complaining, not about the holiday, but about all the time surrounding the holidays. We are supposed to share these times, which I think is important for the kids to have time with each family. We had them the entire summer minus a week and a half. So we have them plenty when it is not "our turn" but when you are coparenting from different cities, you do have to take turns. In fact, it's the law here.

9. The kids and I had fun but they didn't understand why they couldn't spend some time with their mom and commented many times about how they hardly got to see their dad.

10. In our family, step parents are not equal to parents. I am their step mother, not their mother, and there is a different relationship there with different responsibilities. I love them dearly but I would never try to be their mother. And we have all agreed upon this and it works well for us. I have a great relationship with my stepkids. We are very close. That's not the issue here.

11. My husband works to pay child support and his car insurance payment. None of his money supports me, my child or him for that matter. I have a great job and make loads more money. I'm not sure why this is relevant to some people but there you go. And it's not admirable of him to pay child support. It's his responsibility.

12. This is mostly not about me taking care of my stepkids or loving them or any of those things. My issue is about disrespect and ungratitude from my DH.

13. I firmly believe I deserve to have time off to myself once a year. I work very hard at my job and at being a wonderful mother, stepmother and wife.

14. I am not complaining about them being in my home. I am complaining about the expectation that I watch them alone 24/7 for 2 weeks, without a car, to make matters worse.

15. Yes, my son enjoyed having his step siblings here. However, he did miss the time that we had scheduled to do things just the two of us and the visit to see his family. I have promised him we will take two days during winter break and go on a trip, just him and I. And, for the record, he loves having time to play by himself. He begs for it in fact and it's rarely ever possible.

Thank you to those who made an attempt to sympathize or empathize. Your comments were really helpful to me. And you are right about me needing to create more boundaries. I need to start standing up for myself more and stop being used...by both of their parents.

I am shocked at the overt sexism in this thread, and a lot of it has come from women. I guarentee if I was a man the responses would be different.



This is exactly where my post stemmed from. Thank you! I would have felt a whole lot better if my DH would have recognized that I was being kind to watch the children and that I was doing a good job. And if he would have made an effort to spend some time with them and do something things for us when he was home.

If that's true your husband needs to go back to court. I have never heard of anyone having to pay their entire salary on child support.

 

[okeydokey]

I don't blame you at all for being upset and I am glad that you are able to have a conversation about this with your husband. He had no right to invite them to stay for two weeks without running it by you first, knowing he would not even be there to see them, not even to drive two hours to get them back to their Moms. She should be just as responsible to provide transportation as you are.

I am sad for you that you had to cancel your own plans to travel this holiday, and applaud you for making these children your own as well.

 

[declansdad]

Maybe it is time to re-think the dance.

HUGS!!!!!!

Unbelievable!

 

[Turn the Page]

How are you to watch and be responsible for a child on your own without discipling them. I call BS on that being in place in any household that allows a SP to care for a SC. What if the child climbs on the roof? What if they are destroying your house or harming another child? Seriously, that is the most unreasonable thing I have ever heard and I know many who are in blended families with some hostile situations. I can see where terms of discipline are laid down..ie no hitting etc but to flat out say you cannot discipline at all and be expected to just be a shadow in the house not allowed to redirect behavior...nope. Any situation where a SP is allowed/expected to care for the SC they have agreed to allowing that person to become and equal parent when it comes to certain issues and discipline is one of them. It can't work any other way.

That is like me hiring someone to babysit and telling them they cannot discipline my child and should allow them to be in control the entire time. What's the point of having the sitter, I might as well leave them home alone if I don't want someone to care for them. Discipline is showing you care/love a child when done appropriately.

I think it also depends on the custody arrangement too. If DSD was only here every other weekend or something I wouldn't feel the need to discipline her much because she would only be here 4 days a month and there isn't much behavior modification you can do in that time. Since she is here full time, it's another matter.

 

[amjb]

Yes, we have this situation. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not to discipline my stepkids and that was hard to navigate at first but it's fine now. I don't have the same responsibilities as their parents. I don't pay child support, childcare bills, extracurricular fees, health costs, etc. I am not a major decision maker in their lives. I can't travel with them without permission.

But why are we talking about this? In our case, none of these things are a problem. I honestly don't care. I'm secure in my role.

I think we are talking about this because of the one fits all approach as evidenced by the post directly below yours.

 

[Bluestars]

OP - your husband was a total &*^$&( UTEYJJ T$%^&@ IHbn((.

Think of every DIS inappropriate word imaginable. And his actions lived up to every one of them.

Don't listen to the stupid jerks who think you should feel honored to be able to fill in for another woman's lack of parenting. You are not just some nanny that they can drop the kids on when neither of them want to take care of them.

Sure the kids should be welcome in their father's home. But that does not mean that the Dad gets to sit on his behind while the SM works her tail off to take care of children that are NOT HERS.

But the worst part of this is that he put his ex wife's vacation plans over yours. Is he still carrying feelings for her? Because it's pretty obvious that he cares more about her welfare than yours. That would be a real deal breaker for me if it happened more than once.

This is the 21st century. It is no longer 1950 where the "little woman" is expected to tend to all the "woman's work". When a woman marries a man there are certain things that she pledges - fidelity being critical. No where in my vows did it say I had to babysit, cook, do laundry, etc - not even for my DH. Certainly not for his two sons.

In today's world everything is negotiable. A century ago if a man was left with children he would usually get a maiden aunt or some other female relative to raise them until he could get a new wife to take over the job. A SM today is merely the wife of a man with children. The role she plays is one that works for BOTH parties - not just for the convenience of the man.

That sounds a bit harsh. I think he put his children above everyone else, including his ex-wife. Maybe he loved the idea that his kids would spend the holidays with him and the rest of his family.

I think the biggest issue is that the OP's husband should have been more respectful. If he had approached the situation a different way, she probably wouldn't have felt so resentful. He could have asked her if it was ok and let her know how much it meant to him to have the kids for the holidays. He could have pitched in when he got home and also offered to make sure she had some time to herself in the near future. Maybe add a date night.

I was raised by a step father who treated me just like his biological daughters. But I am sure my mom discussed things with him and didn't throw something at him.