I always spend the same amount on each of my children. This year the family dynamics have changed greatly! I have a son who is now married with his own family. I have another son who is in a serious relationship for a year now and my 14YO daughter. How do I divide up my money to be fair? My son has a wife and a baby, do I spend the same on each of them as I do my one daughter? Do I spend on his family the same as the daughter? It seems kind of unfair either way. I bought my son and his wife a $400 TV. I am sitting here trying to be fair. I am getting son #2 an IPOD touch @$200 and his GF I spent @ $80 so far. What do you do?
Please help with Christmas budget!!!
- Thread starter hinodis
- Start date
I'm married too and basically our parents (his and mine) do the same thing. They give us a gift that's generally usable for the both of us and then the rest of the gifts are for the kid who's parents it is. Plus- a second smaller gift (PJs or something for me from DH's parents or bottle of favorite alcohol from my parents to him)
So generally 1 large gift for the 2 of us
several smaller gifts for the kid who's theirs.
1 smaller gift (in the 25-40 range) for the kid who is not theirs.
So generally 1 large gift for the 2 of us
several smaller gifts for the kid who's theirs.
1 smaller gift (in the 25-40 range) for the kid who is not theirs.
It's this TV I bought that is causing me problems! I have now spent $400 on DS and his family and I spent $100 on the baby. Now I feel like I have to spend $500+ on DD. I can't do that. I am going to have to return the TV. DH is pushing for us to give them the TV. Ugh
It's this TV I bought that is causing me problems! I have now spent $400 on DS and his family and I spent $100 on the baby. Now I feel like I have to spend $500+ on DD. I can't do that. I am going to have to return the TV. DH is pushing for us to give them the TV. Ugh
I somewhat disagree that you have to return the TV. Every now and then DH's parents give 1 child something OVER the top- and they make it clear to all that it's an over the top gift year for so and so. 1 year my DH got a keyboard- one of the very high end ones that was like 1K. Like 7 years prior to that DH's parents bought his sister a trip to England for a semester in college (basically giving her the $$ to live in England and do the side trips for college for that semester).
As long as you make it clear that you did something a little different and special for this 1 child this year and that down the line every now and then you might do the same for your other children based on needs/wants I don't see it as a huge deal.
hmm-i think you need to let go of "fair" in terms of spending and approach it a little bit differently. I have never worried about whether i spent the same $ amount on each child but rather whether the gift i gave suited them, and their needs or wants. Both my sons are grown and out on their own-one married and the other engaged. We tend to spend more on the married son and his wife than the otbher -not because we do not wish to be "fair" but rather because my married son is a graduate student -his wife works but their life circumstances leave them with much less money than my younger son who has a very lucritive job as an engineer with a large aerospace company. He is more able to afford things than my married son and more apt to purchase things for himself that he wants or needs.
There is nothing wrong with giving your sons family the TV and spending less on your DD for whom you provide food and shelter and clothing-there is nothing "unfair" about that. Life and dynamics change-someday you will be buying her an education or a TV while your son and his wife will presumably have achieved some financial stablity and you may be giving them gifts more suited to their needs and wants. Absolute financial equity in what you spend on each will grow more difficult as families get larger too. Christmas is not supposed to be about who gets more or whats "fair". Its about family, being together and celebrating. If its going to cause you this much stress-return the TV, make a donation to your favorite charity in the name of your adult children and buy gifts only for the little ones.
There is nothing wrong with giving your sons family the TV and spending less on your DD for whom you provide food and shelter and clothing-there is nothing "unfair" about that. Life and dynamics change-someday you will be buying her an education or a TV while your son and his wife will presumably have achieved some financial stablity and you may be giving them gifts more suited to their needs and wants. Absolute financial equity in what you spend on each will grow more difficult as families get larger too. Christmas is not supposed to be about who gets more or whats "fair". Its about family, being together and celebrating. If its going to cause you this much stress-return the TV, make a donation to your favorite charity in the name of your adult children and buy gifts only for the little ones.
McKelly
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My brother and sister are quite a bit older than me, 11 and 10 years to be exact. They were married with a family while I was still living at home and in high school. It appeared my parents spent the same on each of us. Once they were married, they received less individually because they now shared with their spouse, the amount was now a "family" amount. However, the grandkids were not included in that. Heck, even I spent all my babysitting money on the grandkids (my niece and nephew)!
To be honest, the only reason I remember this is because I felt very uncomfortable receiving more than the rest of my siblings.
Can you afford something smaller for your DD, like a Kindle or something? Is anybody going to know how much the TV is anyway? With all the deals, I wouldn't know. It would just be qualified as an "electronic" to me.
To be honest, the only reason I remember this is because I felt very uncomfortable receiving more than the rest of my siblings.
Can you afford something smaller for your DD, like a Kindle or something? Is anybody going to know how much the TV is anyway? With all the deals, I wouldn't know. It would just be qualified as an "electronic" to me.
StitchBuddy
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I don't think it all has to be completely even money wise. It just needs to be what they want. My DD14 doesn't have a clue how much we spend or don't I just get her a bunch of items and get great deals on some of them. I don't think your DD will price check. If I would skimp on anyone and take some stuff back it would be the baby. A baby doesn't care and probably will get more than what is need from lots of people. I remember my DD first Christmas, all she play with was the bows, she loved them. LOL Give the tv and let that be a family gift and something small for the baby. Problem solved. Also, from personal experience save all that money you will likely spend on stuffed animals and put it away for when the baby is older to help buy expensive gift later. My DD had well over 100 stuffed animals, what I would have given for the money for other things like swim lessons, basketball etc... As far as girlfriend, she is not a member of the family yet, so I wouldn't spend as much on her.
I think the tv is enough for your son and dil
Two years a go I bought my son and is wife a 32 inch tv about 9 months ago I visited my son he only lives ten minutes away and will not come and see us there was no tv I asked what happened to it they gave it to her 16 year old son so from now on I only get my son something if he is nice to me but he has been mean and nasty to his father and I he may not get anything.
Two years a go I bought my son and is wife a 32 inch tv about 9 months ago I visited my son he only lives ten minutes away and will not come and see us there was no tv I asked what happened to it they gave it to her 16 year old son so from now on I only get my son something if he is nice to me but he has been mean and nasty to his father and I he may not get anything.
Here is how my mom does it.
She has 3 children.
My brother, his wife, and 2 kids
My Sister and her BF
Me and DW and 3 kids.
She spends the most on our family, because we have the most members. She spends $200 per person regardless of age. Is it fair that my family gets roughly $1,000 worth of stuff and my sister and her bf only gets $400??? Would it be fair if each family got $500 worth of stuff??? She would get a $250 present and i would get $100? Is that fair???
My moms way of thinking is that if I spend the same on everyone, then that is fair. My kids are 10,4,3 and what she does for them, is they get a $100 savings bond, then about $50 in toys and $50 in clothes.
She has 3 children.
My brother, his wife, and 2 kids
My Sister and her BF
Me and DW and 3 kids.
She spends the most on our family, because we have the most members. She spends $200 per person regardless of age. Is it fair that my family gets roughly $1,000 worth of stuff and my sister and her bf only gets $400??? Would it be fair if each family got $500 worth of stuff??? She would get a $250 present and i would get $100? Is that fair???
My moms way of thinking is that if I spend the same on everyone, then that is fair. My kids are 10,4,3 and what she does for them, is they get a $100 savings bond, then about $50 in toys and $50 in clothes.
Another opinion...here is the way my parents do it...
Each of the children of the family gets $300. Once they are married that is still $300 but we then split it with our spouses. It is usually given as cash.
Each grandchild gets $100 worth of gifts. So if one household has two grandchildren those kids get $200 worth of gifts total.
Each of the children of the family gets $300. Once they are married that is still $300 but we then split it with our spouses. It is usually given as cash.
Each grandchild gets $100 worth of gifts. So if one household has two grandchildren those kids get $200 worth of gifts total.
By the way...if you look at it like you are spending $500 total on your son's family (TV and baby gifts) and divide that by 3 you are only spending $166 per person. Or look at it like "children and spouses" get $200 worth of gifts each and grandchildren $100. Then you are on track with spending $200 on your son's ipod and you can spend $200 on your 14 year old. As far as your son's serious GF...I think $80 to $100 is more than enough...you can up that when they are married. Make sense?
sasywtch
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I was an "accident". 2 sisters and brother, 3 years apart and I came along 7 years 
Ooops
For as long as I remember, I was the one at home while they were married with kids.
I got a bunch of gifts as a kid would growing up. The others came over after opening their presents at their house. Grandkids got a couple of presents and the adults got a $100 bill between the two of them. ($50 each). As a kid at home, I got more than the $100.
For the past 10 years, I carried this on. My oldest son and DIL with 2 grandkids--
would get a gift card (usually what they want as I'm not too familiar with the items they are interested in) for about $50 each. Grandkids, I'm actually scaling down this year. I'm doing this 12 days of Christmas thing where I am wrapping small gifts or a craft project for everyday before Christmas for them to open. Then one large gift on Christmas Day.
Here's my thinking vs the one at home.....my son and dil buy gifts for each other. Probably 4-5 each? Years past, they buy one together for my other kids and me. They also get a gift from 4 sets of parents (all parents are divorced). Same with grandkids. Son and DIL buy them tons, they get a bunch from each grandparent and the aunts and uncle.
My other three that are not married do not get gifts from spouses or from another set of parents so I get them a few extra.
I always thought most people scaled back on the kids who got married as they now had presents from a spouse and their in laws?
Regarding the tv, my mom would do things like that but would let it be known, it was for Christmas and both my and my now ex husbands birthday. (even though my birthday is in July). I would let the other son know and tell him his turn is next and to start thinking what he'd like in that price range.
The best decision we ever made was we now draw names for adults and buy gifts for anyone under 18. This includes me. (my daughters usually will buy me my favorite bubble bath from Bath n Body or similiar if they don't draw my name--they have guilt not buying their mommy something I think). We write on an index card things we want with a limit. This year the limit is $50. It's so much more relaxing than worrying if you got someone else more.
I think as parents we try to keep up with what we use to do but they are married now, buying gifts for their family. For the girlfriend, I don't know. My daughter's boyfriend is in our gift drawing so I don't have to worry about that one but I definitely would be worrying what to spend on him if he wasn't in the name pull.
OoopsFor as long as I remember, I was the one at home while they were married with kids.
I got a bunch of gifts as a kid would growing up. The others came over after opening their presents at their house. Grandkids got a couple of presents and the adults got a $100 bill between the two of them. ($50 each). As a kid at home, I got more than the $100.
For the past 10 years, I carried this on. My oldest son and DIL with 2 grandkids--
would get a gift card (usually what they want as I'm not too familiar with the items they are interested in) for about $50 each. Grandkids, I'm actually scaling down this year. I'm doing this 12 days of Christmas thing where I am wrapping small gifts or a craft project for everyday before Christmas for them to open. Then one large gift on Christmas Day.
Here's my thinking vs the one at home.....my son and dil buy gifts for each other. Probably 4-5 each? Years past, they buy one together for my other kids and me. They also get a gift from 4 sets of parents (all parents are divorced). Same with grandkids. Son and DIL buy them tons, they get a bunch from each grandparent and the aunts and uncle.
My other three that are not married do not get gifts from spouses or from another set of parents so I get them a few extra.
I always thought most people scaled back on the kids who got married as they now had presents from a spouse and their in laws?
Regarding the tv, my mom would do things like that but would let it be known, it was for Christmas and both my and my now ex husbands birthday. (even though my birthday is in July). I would let the other son know and tell him his turn is next and to start thinking what he'd like in that price range.
The best decision we ever made was we now draw names for adults and buy gifts for anyone under 18. This includes me. (my daughters usually will buy me my favorite bubble bath from Bath n Body or similiar if they don't draw my name--they have guilt not buying their mommy something I think). We write on an index card things we want with a limit. This year the limit is $50. It's so much more relaxing than worrying if you got someone else more.
I think as parents we try to keep up with what we use to do but they are married now, buying gifts for their family. For the girlfriend, I don't know. My daughter's boyfriend is in our gift drawing so I don't have to worry about that one but I definitely would be worrying what to spend on him if he wasn't in the name pull.
DAPford
Patty Ford
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I have 2 adult stepsons who are on their own no significant others 1 has a 3 year old girl ( my GD) and we have a 16 year old DD at home plus neices nephews and great nieces/nephews and of course parents and siblings we set XXX $$$ available for Christmas and go from there kids are Always first so this years example is
Niece/ Nephew/ 2 great neices/2 great nephews 50 a piece
the married couples ( the parents of the great nieces/nephews ) 25 usually a GC to restaurant
my sister and my husbands sister's husband ( his sister passed away this year) 40-50 depending on what we find
my mother and his dad ( his mom also passed this year yes it has been a rough year ) 50-60 again depending on what we find
our two adult sons ( my stepsons) about 100 each not including stockings
our granddaughter (3) about 150-200
our dd who is at home and 16 between 300 and 400
we break it down like this on the idea that our responsibily falls first to our daughter and our granddaughter as this is the only Christmas either of them get . our sons also get gifts from their mother and extended family but they of course don't buy for our dd and since we are the only ones who have regular visits with GD none of them really know her (their other grandmother may get her something and we are unsure of what moms family will do as her mom is currently serving time and they did not want her for the holidays) our extended family really do not have the means to gift give so we know that DD and GD will not be recieving anything from them but we feel Christmas is really for kids so .... all in all our budget is about 2 paychecks that are Xtra for the month of december and we include everyone just more emphasis on kids dh and I do not exchange big gifts but we will pick up little things ( sweatshirt a cowboys ornanment a book ) for each other so that everyone gets to open something ( of course our gift this year is a combined 20th annivesary /Christmas cruise and trip to the world leaving the 29th that we have saved for for the last 3 years ) I know its not "fair" but neither is life
Niece/ Nephew/ 2 great neices/2 great nephews 50 a piece
the married couples ( the parents of the great nieces/nephews ) 25 usually a GC to restaurant
my sister and my husbands sister's husband ( his sister passed away this year) 40-50 depending on what we find
my mother and his dad ( his mom also passed this year yes it has been a rough year ) 50-60 again depending on what we find
our two adult sons ( my stepsons) about 100 each not including stockings
our granddaughter (3) about 150-200
our dd who is at home and 16 between 300 and 400
we break it down like this on the idea that our responsibily falls first to our daughter and our granddaughter as this is the only Christmas either of them get . our sons also get gifts from their mother and extended family but they of course don't buy for our dd and since we are the only ones who have regular visits with GD none of them really know her (their other grandmother may get her something and we are unsure of what moms family will do as her mom is currently serving time and they did not want her for the holidays) our extended family really do not have the means to gift give so we know that DD and GD will not be recieving anything from them but we feel Christmas is really for kids so .... all in all our budget is about 2 paychecks that are Xtra for the month of december and we include everyone just more emphasis on kids dh and I do not exchange big gifts but we will pick up little things ( sweatshirt a cowboys ornanment a book ) for each other so that everyone gets to open something ( of course our gift this year is a combined 20th annivesary /Christmas cruise and trip to the world leaving the 29th that we have saved for for the last 3 years ) I know its not "fair" but neither is life
I think you're inventing trouble where none needs to exist. Really, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter whether you spend the same amount on each child or not. Choose something that'll please each one, and don't get overly caught up in the cost.
My mom spends $50 per person, so it might look like I get more, because I have 3 kids and my one brother only have him and his wife, but we are each individual. My fil and smil buy me and DH a GC to share and the kids their own GC. Then my mil and sfil seem to make it pretty fair, but they spend more on the adults than kids it seems
I agree. I don't think it has to be even, but currently you're right on track for even. I would also spend more on the child who is still your dependent.
My parents spend about $125 on each person (a $100 check and a small gift.) The checks are equal, but the gifts are more about what the recipient would enjoy. Spouses get the same kind of gift as adult kids. My family of four (my two kids graduated to the "adult gift" in their teens, when they were younger they got a few wrapped gifts from them) has more spent on them, but I don't think anyone has an issue with it. My kids are the only kids in the family and I honestly don't think my siblings have ever thought my parents should be giving them money to compensate if they give them gifts!
I plan on doing about the same for my kids. Currently I spend more than $125apiece on my kids, but they are still our dependents. I anticipate it going down as they go out on their own. As they marry and have families we'll adjust our spending according to what our budget is.
disneyofcourse
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My parents, grandparents and aunts/uncles never spend the same thing on everyone. We all just get a couple things that we want. I don't think anyone has ever said "oh so and so got more expensive gifts" Just get everyone something they would like and don't stress yourself out.
This is how my parents handle it.
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