Parents of Teens: Boy/Girl Sleepovers? UPDATE ON PAGE 2

[KarenC]

While we changed our mind on the co-ed sleepover thing, to my knowledge, there was never alcohol served. I always knew the parents hosting the event, and we discussed expectations. Usually the girls ended up sleeping in one room and the boys in another. The parents took turns staying up to make sure it stayed that way!

My son just finished his sophomore year and this hasn't come up yet. Usually after his dances the boys end up in our basement and the girls stay at one of their houses. Then they get together to make breakfast.

The way these dances never end I can't imagine what their weddings will be like!!!

 

[Karista]

Wow - what a difference between the attitude here and the attitudes on the former Debate Board. A few years back the same question was posed, or something extremely similar. I was new and posted my opinion, that I think it's wrong and why put a kid in a position to be tempted to behave in a way that they normally wouldn't. I was very much in the minority. Most people stated that if you trusted your child, raised them correctly, blah blah blah, that co-ed sleepovers should be a non-issue.

For the record, I think it's wrong. My oldest is a 15-year-old son and I highly doubt that he would even WANT to go to a co-ed sleepover (although you never know) but even if it was my best friend and her 15-year-old daughter, I would still say no.

And as far as alcohol, I just can't figure out why anyone would want to put themselves in such a position of liability. Moral issues aside, the legal drinking age is 21. Is it so that the child and/or parent will be perceived as "cool" if drinking is allowed at their house? Wow - I can't even grasp someone doing something like that.

 

[susy]

I live in FL and the legal drinking age is 21.

 

[zurgswife]

First to the sleep over question...No never....

but do these parents that allow underaged kids drink at there houses understand that they can be arrested and sent to jail..I've read a number of stories that the parents were arrested and there are a few were persons were injured while drunk that have been sent to prison...

 

[nealymouse]

Both of my neices were invited to a hotel co-ed party. The mother was renting 2 rooms, one for boys one for girls, they were having pizza and swimming in the pool.

My sister spoke to the mom several times, had all the details ect ect......

10 pm the night of the hotel sleep over my sister gets a call from my neice. The mom changed her mind, gave them money to walk to town to buy pizza and went out. left all the kids home alone.

My neices at 1st was having a great UN-SUPERVISED time but it started to wear on them and called my siter to come and get them.

My sister was so upset, thought she did all the right things but in the end I felt she did the right thing, her DD's called home.

 

[palmtreegirl]

DH and I are very laid back parents but even we would say no way, no how, not going to happen to a co-ed sleepover. This would apply to both DD and DS.

 

[TimeforMe]

Well, my DD went to the party. Her boyfriend, who is a senior, was there and she went there with 2 of her girlfriends. The party was at the dad's house, there was family there, an off duty police officer/neighbor, little kids, etc. and DRINKING! I am proud to say that DD called and asked us to come get her. She was the only one, however, that did so. Her friends stayed. The parents did take everyone's car keys, but even so--some of these kids are 15! Drinking age here in CT is 21. What are these people thinking?

Now my dilemma--would you call the parents of the other girls and tell them. My DD didn't want me to. If I thought it would make a difference, I would--but I'm not so sure it would and in the end only hurt my DD

I am soooooo proud of her for doing the right thing.

 

[capnblackbeard]

I'm 16 and have been to a co-ed sleepover.Though most of the people were older (18) and ahem gay. It was new years most of the people were single. Its not like people went off to make out or whatever nobody drank some people did smoke though but they went outside. Basically all we did was watch tv, listen to music, and tell storys.

 

[shortbun]

Never, never, never be the one to condone teenage drinking!
Children have enough complication in their lives without grownups allowing them to drink. Alcohol is a toxic substance
and there are good reasons for it to be restricted to those
over 21. Alcohol kills people, it ruins their lives, it destroys whole
families -IT IS NOT FOR CHILDREN!!!!
If I EVER find out that DS's friends parents are allowing drinking
in their homes of any children other than theirs, I will call the
authorities immediately and the parents of the other children.
IMHO, parents who think it's ok for kids to sleep together
as teenagers will probably think it's ok to serve drinks and take
away keys too. What a horrible combination-drunk co-eds
sleeping together. Thats how unplanned pregnancies, alcoholics
and STD's are started. The stats are pretty clear about how fast
STDs are moving in children. Regretfully, I know a few young women who have gotten pregnant at around the age of 14. All
three of their parents refused to acknowledge they were sexually active even though in each case, I broached the subject with the
moms. It's an AWFUL family crisis and one you don't want to
experience. The boys in each case were labled criminals. Two of
the Dads had police go to the boys houses and accused them of
rape. I don't know the circumstances but I wouldn't want to experience THAT family crisis either!! Young children do not know
their boundaries; giving them alcohol and allowing them to sleep
together can only send one message. Please-these are still
children; they have other tough decisions to make. Don't stop
being parents just because it's hard to say NO and other parents
are doing it.

 

[susy]

Timeforme,

What have you said to the boyfriend? I would call the parents. I am so glad your daughter called home. Young girsl and alcohol don't mix. Did you personally know every single person in attendance? If those parents didn't either, it would have taken just one little "incident" to get them into REAL trouble. I have a son who is six. Until he is an adult and my definition of that is the same as my dad's-when you can completely and totally support yourself- he will NOT be staying out all night, drinking, or sleeping over with girls.

 

[disnee15]

I'm 15, and well. On the co-ed sleep overs thing, I don't see why it's such a bad thing. For me atleast, the only guys I would want to sleep over are people that I know wouldn't try anything because it would make us all want to throw up if they did. But thats just because they're like my brothers. If you restrict your kids a lot, they get the meantality that they need to go behind you back to do some of the things that you've mentioned. Trust me, I've been there.

 

[NHAnn]

Originally posted by shortbun
IMHO, parents who think it's ok for kids to sleep together
as teenagers will probably think it's ok to serve drinks and take
away keys too.

Wow, that's quite a generalization, and I totally disagree. Though I DO agree that alcohol is not for kids, and all the reasons stated you as to why ignoring the law when it comes to underage drinking is a HUGE mistake.


TimeForMe...you should be very proud of your DD........it's great that she DD is so open with you...just continue to reinforce that she did the right thing. I can't imagine what the host parentwas thinking,....and the off duty police officer!?!?
As for telling the other parents...that is a tough one. Opens up a whole set of issues and complications about differing expectations and judgements and parenting styles. Are the girls are close friends of your DDs? ... because this will not be the last time they are all in a situation where the girls and the parents will be making these decisions. Do you have a sense of whether the other girls' parents know (or the boyfriend's parents?) , or how they feel in general, or whether or not they are as open with their parents as your DD is with you?

 

[KarenC]

Originally posted by TimeforMe
Now my dilemma--would you call the parents of the other girls and tell them. My DD didn't want me to. If I thought it would make a difference, I would--but I'm not so sure it would and in the end only hurt my DD

I am soooooo proud of her for doing the right thing.

I don't know if I would make a special effort to call the parents, but I definitely would bring it up the next time I saw the parents at some school function, or where ever. Keep in mind that some of the kids who stayed may not have actually been drinking. We had a party "busted" near our home earlier this year and they did breathalizer tests on all the kids--I was surprised that only 1 in 4 tested positive for any alcohol at all.

I make it a point for my kids to know that I'm friendly with all the parents of the kids they hang around with. I always have a party on the morning of our homecoming parade (we live on the route) and invite all the parents of the kids in their group. So if things happen to come up in conversation, oh well.

Good for your daughter for doing the right thing!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by TimeforMe

Now my dilemma--would you call the parents of the other girls and tell them.

Nope, I would not call and I assume the reason for the "sleepover" is TO DRINK. I know that it is legally wrong (not really sure if it is morally wrong) and I don't look forward to these situations.

 

[4greatboys]

My 16 yr old ds has never asked to go to a co-ed sleepover or to have one. My 14 yr old ds has asked to have a co-ed sleepover on his birthday. He was told no. Teenagers have enough temptations around them and I think as parents, boundaries need to be set. I dont think co-ed sleepovers are a good idea nor do I think furnishing alcohol for the underage is okay either.

 

[sha_lyn]

Now my dilemma--would you call the parents of the other girls and tell them. My DD didn't want me to. If I thought it would make a difference, I would--but I'm not so sure it would and in the end only hurt my DD

I'd seriously consider reporting it to the police.

Nope, I would not call and I assume the reason for the "sleepover" is TO DRINK

Why would you assume that? I certainly would not assume that a parent "hosted" sleepover would involve parent condoned illegal activity

 

[Figaro]

Well, my kids are all grown up now(smile), but honestly, they had the same friends since they were toddlers and there were co-ed sleepovers from the time they were little up until and including the night they graduated from high school. And there was certainly never any drinking, as we chose not to keep alcohol in the house until our kids were adults.

One of the advantages of living in a small house is that everyone found a piece of floor in the living room and our bedroom door was open and about 25 feet away from the kids (open floor plan). The entire "party" consisted of lots of pizza, lots of pop, popcorn and cookies. They would pick out a stack of videos, be warned to try and keep it down to a dull roar and would watch the videos, eat and then fall asleep on the floor. The kids would have died if they had thought we were thinking they were thinking about sex and drinking (which we weren't).

All of these kids were friends and NOT boyfriend or girlfriend. They looked at each other as sibs and that's how they treated each other and looked out for each other. If you stay involved in your kids lives and their friends lives then you know the kids and the parents pretty darn well after 12 plus years of the kids going back and forth.

And since they are all adults now(smile), I can tell you how they all turned out. No unplanned pregnancies, all of them have graduated from college and about half of them are working on advanced degrees. The ones that have gotten married (about 10%) didn't marry any of their friends, but people they met after they grew up and headed off to college. Oh, and no underage drinking tickets, not dui's and no other problems.

I really don't believe that it is true that any kid will have sex at any time if you just give them the opportunity! It depends on the kids and they way they were raised.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by sha_lyn

Why would you assume that? I certainly would not assume that a parent "hosted" sleepover would involve parent condoned illegal activity

It is common practice around here, that is why. We live in an area where there is not much to do I am afraid, and so teens drink. Also alot of the parents "partied" in High School so they would rather have the teens drink under their supervision instead of running around driving while drinking.

 

[sha_lyn]

Why aren't the police doing something about it if it is so common in your area? You better bet I would be reporting them. What they are doing is not ok, no matter how they try to rationalize their illegal activity.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't know, but I am not to that point yet so I don't know anything about police dealing with the problem. DD is only 13 and I haven't experienced the problem firsthand from her as an issue.
Most parents around me already say they will allow there kids to drink before 21 at their home.