Parents of Teens: Boy/Girl Sleepovers? UPDATE ON PAGE 2

[sha_lyn]

DS is 15 and yes we have allowed him to try alcohol, but we don't let him "drink" if that makes any sense. ie.... on new years eve he can have 1/2 a glass of champaign. Last night at a party at a frineds house he was allowed about 2 oz of wine. However he will never be allowed to have friends over to get drunk, nor will we condone him drinking somewhere where we are not present.

 

[Microcell]

Originally posted by AZKathy
None of my kids will be allowed to do a co-ed sleepover. Call me old fashioned, but I have been a teenager once with the same temptations and I will not contribute to making any of my teenagers' temptations easier to succumb to!!! I don't mind school or church functions with a lot of chaperones, but not at a home.

Ditto!

 

[TimeforMe]

Ahhh....where to start. Well, this situation sparked a lot of conversation between last night and this morning. Both DD and I had a bad night's sleep (DH seemed to be fine ) DD was so upset that her friends were actually drinking (or at least pretending to drink) and sort of made her feel like the odd one out. I commend her for doing the right thing and standing up for her beliefs. To answer some questions, when we went to pick up DD, she was waiting at the end of the driveway with her DBF. I didn't say much to him other than ask him if he was spending the night, etc. He supported DD's decision to call us and come home, yet he did stay at the party. He is graduating this year and going onto college. While I certainly in no way condone his drinking, there is not much I can do (other than talk to him again when I see him) to prevent him from doing it--as long as he isn't with dd and/or driving. I will speak to him later today.

I decided not to call dd's friends parents as I don't think we share a lot of the same beliefs. I know this from other situations that have arisen and I did speak to them about. I kind of got the "why are you making such a big deal of this" feeling. Some friends I would have definitely called--these I decided not to. If we are in each other's company--I will think about it.

This particular party/sleepover (not everyone slept over) was designed with drinking in mind. I don't know--I just don't understand (nor does DD) how parents could purposely break the law. I know for a fact there were kids there drinking that definitely wouldn't have been drinking otherwise were it not for the fact that it was available to them with NO consequences.

Being a parent is tough Being a teenager is, too.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Originally posted by TimeforMe
I This particular party/sleepover (not everyone slept over) was designed with drinking in mind. I don't know--I just don't understand (nor does DD) how parents could purposely break the law. I know for a fact there were kids there drinking that definitely wouldn't have been drinking otherwise were it not for the fact that it was available to them with NO consequences.

Being a parent is tough Being a teenager is, too.

I don't understand why parents feel the need to be their kids buddy, or to be viewed as the cool parent.

My son will be leaving for camp next week. This will be his first year in the teen group(he's 12 1/2). They mailed a list of rules that the teens must follow, or they'll have to leave. I told my son not to worry about looking cool around his friends. It's ok not to follow the crowd...

I've been telling him this for the last 12 years, I hope and pray he makes the same choice your daughter made when/if the time comes.


If I ever find out one of those "cool" parents gave my son liquor, they'd be in a world of trouble.

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

In eighth grade a guy in my class had a coed sleepover at his house on Martha's Vineyard. A bunch of my friends went so I wasn't too uncomfortable.

His parents locked the girls in their guesthouse and the guys were on the 2nd floor with the alarm set that would go off if anything moved on the 1st floor.

 

[auntpolly]

I think with teenagers you have to walk a very thin tight rope -- there is a fine line between keeping on top of the situation and completely alienating them.

I was not the most popular mom in HS because I wouldn't let kids sleep over in a co-ed situation and I wouldn't let them drink here. My own daughter I let drink because we're her parents but I just don't want to make that decision for other parents and I didn't know if it was OK with the other parents (nor do I want the responsibility). My daughter, on the other hand, did stay at other people's house with boys and alcohol! (I know you are now thinking I'm nuts!) But if I knew who the kids were and they were kids I liked and trusted, and she was over 18, and she would have a beer and not drive home, I said yes sometimes. It depended and I decided on a case by case basis.

As for ratting out the other kids parents, no way. There are some things not worth messing up your relationship with your kids over.

 

[sk!mom]

I just wanted to add that any adult allowing minors to drink in your home needs to be very careful.
I know of a couple of instances in my area where the police were notified and the parents were fined. There was also a tragedy on New Years Eve 2002- the keys were collected as some have mentioned after the kids had been drinking so one 19 year old girl decided to walk home at about 3:00 a.m. She was walking down a dark road and was struck and killed by a deputy sherrif. The parents who allowed the party at their house have had trouble with the local authorities and are being sued by the family of the girl. I don't know how it will all turn out (nothing reported in the news recently), but definitely too much risk for me to allow my 19 year old DS to host parties with alcohol in my home.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by sk!mom
but definitely too much risk for me to allow my 19 year old DS to host parties with alcohol in my home.

You can say that again. That's what I meant by I didn't want that responsibility. And yet you wouldn't believe the number of parents that allow it in our little town. I was definitely the weirdo for not allowing it. Not only can you get in trouble with the law, but who do these parents think they are making such a big parenting decision for my child.

I was just lucky that I had a kid that would tell me about all the parties. She knew I wasn't so unreasonable that I wouldn't keep her away from all of them, but she knew that some were off limits and respected my decision. (Many a night she and I were at the the movies the night of a really big bad house party! And when the reports of the police raiding the place and kids getting arrested -- we just laughed!)

 

[Shutterbug]

This happened earlier this year:
CUYAHOGA FALLS - An underage drinking party that landed a teen-age girl in the hospital has resulted in charges against the host's parents.

XXXXXX 44, and XXXXXXX, 42, of Herrick Road in Twinsburg were arraigned Tuesday on a charge of allowing underage persons to consume alcohol in their home. Both pleaded not guilty.

The XXXXXXs' 16-year-old son attends Twinsburg High School and was hosting the Oct. 12 party to coincide with Twinsburg's homecoming.

Twinsburg police Sgt. Jeff Nash said officers were called to the home twice during the party. On the first call -- a loud music complaint -- adults greeted officers at the door and promised to turn down the music.

``There was no indication of underage drinking at that time,'' Nash said. ``Officers talked to adults and didn't see anyone underage.''

The second call 90 minutes later came from a party guest, requesting medical help for a 15-year-old girl who was so drunk she was unresponsive. The girl was transported to an area hospital and has since returned to school, Nash said.

Police found 40 to 50 party guests -- most of them under 21 -- along with ``plenty of beer and hard liquor,'' Nash said.

Three or four of the teens had visible signs of intoxication, Nash said. Several others said they had been drinking.

``There was no indication that any of the (teen-agers') parents knew there would be alcohol at the party,'' Nash said.

None of the teens has been charged with underage drinking, but the report has been forwarded to the Summit County Juvenile Court prosecutor.


Part two:

CUYAHOGA FALLS, Ohio -- A Twinsburg mom and dad are off to jail for allowing their teenage son to throw a drinking party at the family home.

XXXXXXXX didn't buy the teens booze, but allowed about 80 kids to drink it at the bash, NewsChannel5 reported.

One of the kids suffered alcohol poisoning. Her blood-alcohol level was almost three times the legal limit.

Cuyahoga Falls Municipal Court Judge Lisa Coates said she was appalled and really let the parents have it before she sentenced them.

"These are children, these are not adults. They do not make the decisions. You make the decisions. This is your property. You are the chaperones. These parents entrusted their children, their pride and joy with you and you messed it up," Coates said.

The XXXXX were sentenced to 30 days in jail, followed by house arrests, along with a fine and parenting class.


I heard this caused quite a rift in the community...most of the kids were upset with the guest that called police because this effectively shut down the "party house"

 

[Lynn CC]

No...DS is 17 and I wouldn't allow that. Good thing he's never asked! He doesn't even like to go to parties where people are drinking.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by Stephanie218
I've done this at numerous parties. If the parents collect keys, it's better to have a rounded high school social life than be totally restricted. Many of the kids whose parents wouldn't let them near alcohol during high school end up going all out in college and they don't know how much they can handle. It's happened to people I knew before.

The parents don't serve or buy the alcohol technically, they just know it's in the house.

I know the parents of the friends in my group were much more comfortable knowing what was going on and that their kids wouldn't be driving afterwards. Most kids are going to do this stuff with or without permission. It's life. My friends' parents felt it was more proactive to make sure it was done safely.

And on the overly-restricted kids being the ones that finally got to "cut loose" in college......I know they spent WAY more weekends drunk/hung over than I did as I'd already learned to be responsible about it.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
It is common practice around here, that is why. We live in an area where there is not much to do I am afraid, and so teens drink. Also alot of the parents "partied" in High School so they would rather have the teens drink under their supervision instead of running around driving while drinking.

Originally posted by sha_lyn
Why aren't the police doing something about it if it is so common in your area? You better bet I would be reporting them. What they are doing is not ok, no matter how they try to rationalize their illegal activity.

Ours were never busted by the police because ours were under control. Parents knew, were there, and did not tolerate behavior that would get the cops called. The cops were WAY more worried about the unchaperoned parties that were out of control, where the neighbors were complaining, and where the drunk kids were leaving, killing each other and innocent by-standers on the road.

 

[susy]

Dinsey 15,

Trust me, I've been there, too. How do kids think we get to be adults? I did not bypass being a teenager. Most of the time I still feel like a teenager trapped in a 37 year-old body.

Life is about choices. I don't believe in the old, "Let them do it or they'll do it behind your back." Whether my son does something in front of me or behind me, isn't he still doing it? Isn't the alcohol still going down his throat? "Oh, but when my child is in my presence,, I control the alcohol", some might say. Well, when your child is not in your presence, they will drink up, because, "my parents let me drink". If my son does something behind my back, he will have to contend with the guilt and suffer whatever consequences come his way. Same as I do. I will not condone his breaking the law or becoming a drunk (saw plenty of these in high school ,college, and beyond!)

When I was in college , our HONOR fratenity went to a national convention in Altanta. My best friend was at a party (she was over 21, keep in mind) and got alcohol posioning. She lost all control of her bodily functions and was unconscious. The paramedics were called and she almost had to have her stomach
pumped. Drinking is not a game.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by TimeforMe


Now my dilemma--would you call the parents of the other girls and tell them. My DD didn't want me to. If I thought it would make a difference, I would--but I'm not so sure it would and in the end only hurt my DD

I would never call the other parents....if they cared enough they would find this out for themselves. I remember back in school one kids parents called others about something we all were doing and that kid got the crap beat out of them the next day for his mom ratting...I wouldn't put my child in that position!

 

[SandiH]

in our community two weeks ago. He had alcohol posioning. Witnesses say that he was fine at 9:00 p.m. By morning, he was dead. It happened at a graduation party in a private home. The owners of the home now have legal counsel because you know there will be lawsuits and perhaps charges filed - and rightfully so.

It is illegal to drink under 21 (at least in our state) and people are responsible for what happens in their home. My kids are 6 and 9 and can tell you right now that they are not to drink until they are 21 (legal age) or face the rath of their parents. Hopefully we'll ingrain that into them plenty in the next 5-10 years.

I think personal responsibilty and doing what's right, not whats popular has gone to the wayside and that is very, very sad.

BTW, my kids won't be attending a co-ed sleepover. A church retreat or camp yes, but not at someones home.

 

[FroggyinArk]

dd just turned 12,, we discovered , last week, after she had spent night at a friends house in the neighborhood, that the friends grandparents, whom she lives with, now have temporary custody of 2 other children, i think nephew and niece of the grands,,, and that the boy is 13, the girl 11.. dd is probably the best friend the 1st child there has, and teh only friend in our nieghbor hood even though there is a 4 year age difference, dd the older, we discussed it with dd,, she says that at the hoiuse that night she and her friend slept in a room with the grandmother, the other 2 slept across the house and grandfather was on couch out side the door to the room the other 2 were in, how ever, even though we know our friends ( the grands) are very protective of the kids, dd was uncomfortable,, she didnt know the other 2 would be at the house when she agreed to stay the night,, now she has told her friend that she can spend the night over here anytime,, but that she (dd) wont be staying at her house as long as the other 2 kids are over there. We were very proud of her. She showed very good judgement and diplomacy while explaining to her friend that she didnt want to stay in house with the boy there, that even though she likes him, she didnt want to stay over there with him there. Hopefully this good judgement will continue as she gets older, ( oh yeah we should mention that there is another friend, a 12 yr old boy, whom dd has spent many nights with, even in same room. how evre this child is like a big brother to dd and we are best friends with his parents so we know that those 2 are completely safe around each other)

 

[Evil Princess]

Alright, this is going to come off as really rude probably, but I honestly don't mean it to...

BOYS and GIRLS sleeping in the same room? And ALCOHOL?!?!?! My God, what are those parents thinking?

Honestly, it's not the end of the world. What do you think your kids are going to do when they get out into college and aren't monitiored under your supervision? Most dorms are co-ed, and drinking is EVERYWHERE.

Yes, alcohol is illegal, but Americans have hangups over it. In Europe they aren't as strict and I'm sure if you talked to teens over there it wouldn't be as big of a deal as it is here in the US. One of the reasons why some teens want to drink is because some parents and society make it so taboo. In Italy if a kid has a glass of wine with macaroni at dinner it's no big deal, but if you ask some members of this board you would think that you were one step below giving your child cocaine.

Some parents feel better when they have teens over their house to drink and supervise what they're doing. I'm not saying that it's right, and I'm not saying that it's wrong, but it does happen. Parents take a great risk in allowing this to happen and can obviously get in large amounts of trouble with the law, but would you rather have your child drink behind your back in some random location like the woods or at a parent free household with the possibility of themselves or their friends driving home drunk?

For those who say they'd rather not have their child drink at all, again, that is kind of unrealistic but at the same time understandable. What do you think is going to happen at college though? In my experience, it is the kids who never had a drop of alcohol in their lives and whos parents who never allow them to go to parties who get into the most trouble when they leave home. They have no idea what their tolerance is, they get in situations they don't know how to handle and they wind up getting very sick or embarassing themselves by stripping on tables at parties (at the least) or become taken advantage of (at the worst). It's the kids who never test the waters prior to college who have the roughest transition that first year away from home.

Some of the opinions on this thread come off as being very naive and unrealistic to me. Then again, you all probably are looking at me and wondering how much a 19 year old girl's opinion counts for anything.

Alright, I'm getting off my soapbox now

 

[dizagain]

My girls are only 8 and 10....so for NOW I know we're free of such worries. I am definitely in the minority on this thread, but I absolutely, positively do not support the theory that it is acceptable and a "good" parenting move to provide co-ed sleepovers and drunken brawls for my children and their friends.
HELLO??? I'm not getting the logic here at all. I was a teenager once, and I was subjected to sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll like everyone else. I had great parents, I had been taught right from wrong, and I made it through just fine. I went to parties, the dances, the parking lots...guess what? I didn't drink, have sex, or get arrested. Did I know people who did? Yes, but I wasn't stupid enough to do that stuff, nor did I have interest in it. I had a solid relationship with my parents and good friends , and I WAS NEVER RIDICULED FOR SAYING "NO" AND BELIEVE ME I USED THAT WORD ALOT!!!

It is my job as a parent to instill values, honesty, morality, and GOOD JUDGEMENT in my girls. A hard but wonderful job that I believe will pay off in the end. Will there be roadblocks and setbacks along the way? I'm not naive, and I'm sure there will be, but we'll use them as teaching tools and get through them. Fortunately, I know lots of local moms who share my opoinions on such topics, and my girls have strong friendships to help them along. I'm sorry, but co-ed sleepovers will only be attended by my girls at school, camp, or church. And I don't even need to mention parent-chaperoned drinking parties - what in the heck is with that?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

My mom would never have let me go to a boy/girl sleepover when I was 16!

Geez, I'm close to 30 and my boyfriend who I have been with for years and live with and I are made to sleep in different rooms when we stay at my moms house.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by dizagain
My girls are only 8 and 10....so for NOW I know we're free of such worries. I am definitely in the minority on this thread, but I absolutely, positively do not support the theory that it is acceptable and a "good" parenting move to provide co-ed sleepovers and drunken brawls for my children and their friends.
HELLO??? I'm not getting the logic here at all. I was a teenager once, and I was subjected to sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll like everyone else. I had great parents, I had been taught right from wrong, and I made it through just fine. I went to parties, the dances, the parking lots...guess what? I didn't drink, have sex, or get arrested. Did I know people who did? Yes, but I wasn't stupid enough to do that stuff, nor did I have interest in it. I had a solid relationship with my parents and good friends , and I WAS NEVER RIDICULED FOR SAYING "NO" AND BELIEVE ME I USED THAT WORD ALOT!!!

It is my job as a parent to instill values, honesty, morality, and GOOD JUDGEMENT in my girls. A hard but wonderful job that I believe will pay off in the end. Will there be roadblocks and setbacks along the way? I'm not naive, and I'm sure there will be, but we'll use them as teaching tools and get through them. Fortunately, I know lots of local moms who share my opoinions on such topics, and my girls have strong friendships to help them along. I'm sorry, but co-ed sleepovers will only be attended by my girls at school, camp, or church. And I don't even need to mention parent-chaperoned drinking parties - what in the heck is with that?

ITA