Parents of middle schoolers- Does it get worse?

[RitaZ.]

My oldest is in 6th grade and this year has been rough. The social pressure is intense, the things that some of these kids say are shocking, bullying is a problem, etc. DS is a kind and gentle soul and it's really hard on him to be treated badly by some of these kids. We tell him to focus on the friends that he does have and like him and to ignore those kids that don't. We tell him that the same way he doesn't like certain kids, there will be kids that don't like him. You know how it is though, he wants to be accepted and liked by everyone. He does come to me and DH to talk about his worries and concerns, so we feel good about that.

Please be honest with me; does it get better or worse in 7th and 8th grades?

 

[goofy4tink]

Sad to say, but I think it can get even worse!! The bullying seems to start earlier and earlier these days. There were little groups of girls who were 'queen bees' back in my dd's preschool days. Now, that's just wrong. It has gotten worse every year. Now, in fourth grade she is finally standing on her own and trying to just avoid the 'popular' kids. As long as they have a core group of friends that they can count on and trust, they should be okay. Good to see that you ds is coming to you. That shows a lot of trust on his part. Yep, it's those quiet, good souls that seem to attract the 'bullys'. My dd is one of those nice, good kids. She has even asked me how she can get meaner!!! That would just make her more unhappy. She is too kind a person to hurt someone else on purpose. I'm sure your son is the same way. Good luck. You seem to be doing a terrific job so far.

 

[Mishetta]

I bet they wouldn't be mean to your DS if they knew who his mother was!

Hope it all works out for your little man.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

ny dd's are in 6th and 8th grade. older dd had a rough time in 6th, but things got better in 7th. younger dd has been ahving a rough time this year.

the social presure doesn't go away, but it changes as the kids get older.

 

[kpgclark]

That is soooo sad. Does your school have a program to make students aware of bullying? Our district starts it in elementary school by talking about courage and other things. I don't know if it helps, but it is something. Maybe you could speak with the guidance counselor and see if he/she could do some work around school to stop or curtail the bullying. It seems to me that if the reason people bully is exposed (bad self esteem or whatever) that students would be less likely to bully because their motivation would be exposed. Alternatively maybe the counselor could give you some ideas of what to tell your son to do or say if he is bullied. You could then sit down with him and discuss. My older child will enter middle school next year and I hope he doesn't experience these problems.

 

[RitaZ.]

Rose, LOL!! I'm never gonna live that one down, am I? DH says that I'm a "scrapper".

It's tough when your kids are treated badly by other kids, especially when you see how hurt they are.

 

[ShuisFan584]

I'm sorry. I had the same problem in middle school. I was very shy and not popular at all, so I got picked on all the time.

I really hope he doesn't have to go through what I went through. 6th grade wasn't too bad for me because I actually had a few friends. Once I got to 7th and 8th grade, I started losing friends and started getting picked on a lot. The worst was at the bus stop were I was the one person that everyone picked on (there was one other boy but he was always late so they always picked on me). I was humiliated quite a few times and I would definitely say that that was the worst time I've been through.

I hate to be so negative but that's just the way it was for me. I really hope things are different for your son. As long as he's always with his friends (and not on a bus by himself!) he should be fine. I think that's the reason that I got picked on so much, because I never had any friends around to support me.

 

[Amy]

No, it doesn't get any better. The peer pressure only gets worse. I have 2 DS's - 6th and 8th grade. My 8th grader sounds like yours - a kind, gentle soul, and he's very shy. He's also very smart, which only gets him teased. In fact, last year in 7th grade, I actually had to ask his math teacher to STOP complimenting my DS on his good work, because the kids were teasing him too much! (And the compliments were only - "good job as usual" when the teacher would hand back tests.)

And my 8th grader is late entering puberty - he is the shortest in the entire school. Boy, does that ever destroy his self-esteem! We're seeing a pediatric endocrinologist next week to see what's going on - my DS said he'll put up with shots every single week if that's what it takes to get him to grow.

And aside from the individual "challenges," he comes home just about every day talking about yet another fight in the hall/gym/cafeteria. DS keeps pretty much to himself, so I'm sure there's a lot more going on than he knows.

No wonder we have gray hair!

 

[Kirby]

Our 6th grade is still in elementary school here. The group, or clique, shuffling started in the 4th grade. That was a bad year for my daughter, Carol. She is now in the 7th grade and, over all, it has been a good year. The 6th grade was hard. Some of her good friends stopped hanging around with her and she, to this day, doesn't know why. So she just drifted from group to group. She is finding her own way now but it hasn't been easy. Her old friends have begun talking to her again but she isn't included as part of their "group".

Carol talks to everyone and has made friends with some of the 8th graders. She doesn't belong to one particular "group" and has lots of friends. How this works out, time will tell.

My son, James, who is now in the 10th grade had a much easier time. Each year, since 6th grade, he has had one boy (not the same one) try to bully him. He has just turned it back on the boy and never had a problem after that. The boy always tried to verbally intimidate him and James never backed down and turned the bullying back on them. Usually the boy was putting James down in some way. So the bully just backed off.

Now he has had so called friends try to physically bully him and he doesn't back down there either. Since James is stronger than he looks, he just gave back what he got and they realized that they couldn't intimidate him. And these guys still call James their friends. Go figure?!

With James, it has always been intimidation, whether physical or verbal. He just lets them know that he won't be intimidated. At this point, nothing has led to an actual fight. Hopefully it will never lead to that either.

 

[RitaZ.]

kpgclark~ Yes, his school does have similar programs. I know the school counselor well and she knows my DS from peer groups that he has attended to help him deal with the bullying situation. I have spoken to her about this several times this year and she does really try to help him. The problem is that bullies are really "good" at not getting caught by teachers and the bullied kids don't want to "tattle" for fear of retaliation. It's a vicious cycle...

I think that the schools do try to a certain extent, but they do look the "other" way many times. Maybe this will be the next issue that I will tackle with the school...

 

[Mimi Q]

My DD is in 6th grade this year. I can't believe how mean the kids are. Thankfully she has friends in her classes and has had a good year, but some of the stories she tell about what goes on at school. My SIL is a teacher at her school, so that makes me feel a little better.

 

[kimber79]

I think they bullying is always going to be there.........no matter what age/grade they are. I think that kids are just plain *harsh & mean* now a days. My kids (dd 18 ~ senior, ds 12 ~ 7th grade) have not experienced much bullying........but the kids at our school are horrible. If you don't wear Abercrombie, Tommy, or Lucky.........well then you are just nobody. Both of my kids are very personable, and will talk/mingle with anyone! I think I brought them up to not judge by what's on the outside......it's what's on the inside that really matters!!

Just yesterday, the school called to let me be aware of a situation at school. I took a deep breath.........because I thought they were calling to tell me my son might have been naughty and not done his homework (we are having a problem with this!)!! Well, another boy had shoved my son into a locker after class........and his elbow went into the handle. He has a horrible cut, bruise and goose egg on his elbow. When he got home, he told me "mom, you would have been so proud of me........I didn't even cry"! What a little trooper I have!! I told him that I would have cried!!

 

[Keli]

I think it might get a little worse during 7th and 8th but the good news is that by the time they get to 9th there is usually a huge difference. My dd always marched to a different drummer than the majority when she was young (Ashli wasn't trying to be different either so that was painful for her, she just couldn't hear their tune I think, lol). High school was a whole different ball game, physically Ashli went from the ugly duckling to the swan but more than that the pressure was let off and it was ok to be creative, like different things, to adore music that most people hadn't heard of. And life sure changed for her at that point. Ashli loved high school, hated to miss a single day and she participated in everything she possibly could. She loved high school more than she had hated middle school.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

from my experience, it gets worse.

There was just a huge incidence at our 8th Grade where one child broke the nose of another boy. His family could very well be facing a lawsuit.

 

[RitaZ.]

There was an incident at a middle school in our city, where two boys got into a fight while waiting in the office to speak to the principal about an argument over a girl. One boy was severely injured and was taken to the hospital where he spent several days, including time in ICU. This wasn't on the news, my neighbor's DD attends that school and that's how I learned of it.

I don't remember anything like that when I was in jr. high. I mean there were fights every now and then, but not to the extent and severity of what's happening today.

 

[Jeafl]

In middle school it's all about everybody being the same. You are supposed to wear the same clothes, like the same music, movies, etc. If 5 girls have on the same shirt one day it's a good thing. Those that are different generally do get picked on, and sad to say, 7th and 8th grade it does get worse.

The good new is, it all completely changes in high school. There it is ok to be different, and people just gravitate toward others with similar interests. The different "groups" seem to be much more tolerant of each other. My daughter was never really picked on in middle school, but I know of many who were. They all are much happier now that they are in high school. I guess you can say that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[RitaZ.]

In middle school it's all about everybody being the same. You are supposed to wear the same clothes, like the same music, movies, etc. If 5 girls have on the same shirt one day it's a good thing. Those that are different generally do get picked on, and sad to say, 7th and 8th grade it does get worse.

That's my impression too, that's a really good explanation of what it's like.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

Nope it only gets worse.


quoted RitaZ:
"The problem is that bullies are really "good" at not getting caught by teachers and the bullied kids don't want to "tattle" for fear of retaliation. It's a vicious cycle... "

This is so very true.

The bullied kids can't even defend themselves either. If they are on the receiving end and utter anything back to the bully and are heard they are punished/reprimanded also by the schools. They don't have any choice but to "take the abuse".

Such a shame that this is being allowed.

 

[mermaidlady]

my DD is now in 8th grade. in 6th grade she had a very rough time. in 7th things got better but the school had her see a counsler for a time now she is having a wonderful year and has found a group of girls who are good friends support your child as much as possible and see what the school can do as well

 

[Lanshark]

It does seem to get worse. We switched from public to private school while DS was in 6th grade and those issues seemed to be much more under control. They still exist but are more closely monitored.

DD is in HS and those girls can be brutal.