Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[fly girl]

She has to be a strong girl to even try reffing. She has my respect. I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with it at that age. It's a mentally taxing job.

It's too bad they don't have enough adults to send out with the teens. I'm guessing it's a pay issue. That would help, but it's good you don't have to worry about her safety.

Definitely a pay issue. It isn't bad for teens, but for adults not so much.

Her favorite ref job was the last week of regular season. She worked U12 with a father/daughter duo. They had headphones and had a great time. She wanted to request working with them for tournament, but no special requests were being accepted.

She is with her soccer teammate tomorrow, and her friend is a year older and her skin is THICK! I am hopeful tomorrow will be better. She has boys U10 and the finals, but not championship games. Pray for her.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Definitely a pay issue. It isn't bad for teens, but for adults not so much.

Her favorite ref job was the last week of regular season. She worked U12 with a father/daughter duo. They had headphones and had a great time. She wanted to request working with them for tournament, but no special requests were being accepted.

She is with her soccer teammate tomorrow, and her friend is a year older and her skin is THICK! I am hopeful tomorrow will be better. She has boys U10 and the finals, but not championship games. Pray for her.

She has my support. I will say a prayer for her, before I go to bed tonight.

 

[Alicefan]

I'm not sure I will survive these teen years! I spend more time crying in the bathroom........ I just can't do anything right. Yesterday DD got mad at me because I was in the same room as her. She got home from school and was sorting through her bag in the family room and I walked into the room to grab my phone. She accused me of "following her around" and stormed up to her room.

She says I smother her, so I back off. Then I am accused of not doing enough for her. Someone please tell me this phase ends. It does end right?

The consequences are hard. I have heard it's not good to take away electronics, that it just does not work. How do you deal with the freshness? Do you ignore it or call them out on every snide comment?

Anyone that tells you that you shouldn't take away their electronics probably doesn't have kids. We took away my daughters phone a month ago with no intentions of giving it back. She is completely more engaged with the family, happier, more talkative and has gotten back into her painting and drawing. She reads now, and finds other things to occupy her time. Friday she brought home all A's and one B in her honors classes and I couldn't be more proud. Not once has she complained about not having a phone. In fact, she admitted that not having the stress of social media on her back was a relief and she liked "being a kid for a little longer". She enjoys movie night now and all of the tv shows and things I introduce her to. Back when she had a phone she would say that everything was "boring" and would constantly ask, "can I go to my room now?" It was that stupid phone she couldn't keep her nose out of. Without it, we actually feel like we have an articulate daughter that knows how to carry on a conversation.

 

[Alicefan]

She started a job working at a day care center after school. I am hoping it sparks some joy for her. She loves little kids and they are drawn to her too. Funny thing is that she is extremely respectful to other adults. Her boss goes on and on about how wonderful and helpful she is and how the kids adore her etc.

I guess it's payback time because my dad used to always tell me "You are getting too big for your britches young lady"

The phrase that comes to mind here is, "You teach people how to treat you". Don't let her see you sweat, she's talking to you like that because it sounds like you might be letting her get off easy when she does it. Next time she does it, stand your happy butt in her room and tell her you'll stand in her space until she starts paying for it! Don't be bullied. She knows she's got the upper hand when she sees you go to pieces. Don't give her that kind of control. Cry privately lol

 

[mjkacmom]

Definitely a pay issue. It isn't bad for teens, but for adults not so much.

Her favorite ref job was the last week of regular season. She worked U12 with a father/daughter duo. They had headphones and had a great time. She wanted to request working with them for tournament, but no special requests were being accepted.

She is with her soccer teammate tomorrow, and her friend is a year older and her skin is THICK! I am hopeful tomorrow will be better. She has boys U10 and the finals, but not championship games. Pray for her.

I think center refs get $80 a game here, my son refuses to center ref. This happened recently, my FIL was a baseball umpire in his 80’s (stopped soccer in his late 70’s, he’s 95). https://www.nj.com/news/2022/06/nj-...d-by-coach-needed-surgery-for-broken-jaw.html

 

[Alicefan]

And THANK YOU for being a parent that holds their child accountable. I get that every now and then there are special circumstances as to why a kid may be behaving in a disrespectful manner etc., but the vast majority of the time kids are just being kids and often times push limits and at the very least need guidance. So often parents (I mean just look at this thread) are so quick to find every and any excuse under the sun to make their child the victim when more often then not the child is just being difficult for a number of reasons, but they should still be held accountable and be respectful.

I can't tell you how many instances of these excuses and playing victim I encounter every day at school. You are doing your child no favor by letting them manipulate situations...it's such a disservice to the child. Sure...it's easier in the short run (for the parent and child) but the damage a parent is doing to the child when you're constantly finding excuses for their bad behavior is tenfold.

I'm also a parent and I get that parenting is hard and not fun during difficult times, but I owe it to my kids to hold them accountable and to set minimum behavior stadards and expectations of them etc.

Exactly this! There comes a point when I don't give a rats behind what might be "triggering" the behavior. I'll find that out later and act accordingly. For the time being, you're going to darn sure know what triggered mine and I'm going to let my child know that it will be a cold day in you know what before they disrespect an adult and get away with it. Sometimes with a 13 year old, it's nothing more than pushing a boundary. There isn't always this deep hidden conflict going on. Everything isn't an episode of Gilmore Girls lol. Sometimes teens are just brats that are gluttons for punishment just to prove a point. Especially if the parent has no follow through on punishments and the child knows it. They'll just do whatever they want at that point.

 

[fly girl]

I think center refs get $80 a game here, my son refuses to center ref. This happened recently, my FIL was a baseball umpire in his 80’s (stopped soccer in his late 70’s, he’s 95). https://www.nj.com/news/2022/06/nj-...d-by-coach-needed-surgery-for-broken-jaw.html

Wow, $80 a game! Our center ref for the highest level U14 is $40. ETA: this could be higher for select soccer, but she’s just at recreational level.

That article is disturbing. Our priorities are really messed up to break a man’s jaw over baseball.

 

[sam_gordon]

She has to be a strong girl to even try reffing. She has my respect. I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with it at that age. It's a mentally taxing job.

It's too bad they don't have enough adults to send out with the teens. I'm guessing it's a pay issue. That would help, but it's good you don't have to worry about her safety.

Actually the pay isn't bad when you look at it on a "per hour" basis. Around here even doing the the 5-6 year olds is $15-20 an hour. You could make $60+/hour if you get to a high enough level. A lot of refs have given it up because of the hassle they've gotten from parents and coaches.

 

[sam_gordon]

Exactly this! There comes a point when I don't give a rats behind what might be "triggering" the behavior. I'll find that out later and act accordingly. For the time being, you're going to darn sure know what triggered mine and I'm going to let my child know that it will be a cold day in you know what before they disrespect an adult and get away with it. Sometimes with a 13 year old, it's nothing more than pushing a boundary. There isn't always this deep hidden conflict going on. Everything isn't an episode of Gilmore Girls lol. Sometimes teens are just brats that are gluttons for punishment just to prove a point. Especially if the parent has no follow through on punishments and the child knows it. They'll just do whatever they want at that point.

The bolded is what many are advocating. Not listening to the instructor? OK, end the lesson, make the teen pay for it and leave. Direct, and IMO, appropriate consequences. Have a conversation later and find out what's going on. Just being a brat... "if you do that again, your electronics are gone" AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

I asked this earlier and no one has answered... if the teacher tells a student to do problems using "xyz" process, but they do it using "abc" process, would you say they're being disrespectful to the teacher and take away electronics, T&T with friends, and make them write an apology letter? Is failing the assignment good enough?

 

[Alicefan]

Because teaching your kids to blindly follow is so smart…

As someone who’s got an older kid who’s 20, I’ve seen so many of her friends just cut parents out of their lives and so I say tread carefully with the teen years. The goal is to make sure that your child will come to you in an emergency. You want their first thought when they make a mistake to be ‘oh no I need to call my mom’. Not ‘oh no my mom is going to kill me’. When they get older and the stakes get really high that can mean the difference between life and death.

Trust me you want a kid that will call you when they mess up. You want a kid that will call you drunk and upset at a party and get you to Venmo them Uber money or come pick them up vs getting in a car. You want the kids that will tell you when they made mistakes. Being heavy-handed does not get you that

How in the world did you come to that comparison? Teaching a kid right from wrong and respect has absolutely nothing to do with the level of communication or trust. My child and I talk about all kinds of stuff and she comes to me about things that bother her etc, but she ALSO knows that there will be repercussions for bad behavior and it's a better idea not to be a jerk to people. My daughter knows I have her back and will come to her rescue as well as knowing that she's expected to follow the rules of the house or she'll have to deal with punishment.

 

[Alicefan]

My thought was that maybe this isn’t the first incident?

Mine too, and that it had to be pretty bad for the teacher to call in the parent.

 

[Alicefan]

Isn't going to the mother "escalating"?

Give her a piece to work on that requires the pedals, or one that is hard to do without proper posture.

Um, that would be any piece that she had to play. The instructor shouldn't have to play games with a kid to get them to cooperate. She's 13 not 3.

 

[sam_gordon]

Um, that would be any piece that she had to play. The instructor shouldn't have to play games with a kid to get them to cooperate. She's 13 not 3.

I would have thought so, but I'm not a musician. So how was she able to play the pieces with poor posture and crossed legs? If she can't and refuses to, end the lesson. Trying to dole out punishment in order for her to do something is "playing games" in my mind.

 

[Alicefan]

…. I type I backspace, I type I backspace.
Never mind.

Same girl...same

 

[mom2rtk]

Exactly this! There comes a point when I don't give a rats behind what might be "triggering" the behavior. I'll find that out later and act accordingly. For the time being, you're going to darn sure know what triggered mine and I'm going to let my child know that it will be a cold day in you know what before they disrespect an adult and get away with it. Sometimes with a 13 year old, it's nothing more than pushing a boundary. There isn't always this deep hidden conflict going on. Everything isn't an episode of Gilmore Girls lol. Sometimes teens are just brats that are gluttons for punishment just to prove a point. Especially if the parent has no follow through on punishments and the child knows it. They'll just do whatever they want at that point.

And sometimes it isn't. Without knowing the child in question, none of us can really say if that was the case here. It's our job as parents to know our kids well enough to read the nuance of this type of situation and react properly. Is this out of character for the child? Have they been pushing boundaries in other areas? People are just throwing out ideas.

Anyone that tells you that you shouldn't take away their electronics probably doesn't have kids. We took away my daughters phone a month ago with no intentions of giving it back. She is completely more engaged with the family, happier, more talkative and has gotten back into her painting and drawing. She reads now, and finds other things to occupy her time. Friday she brought home all A's and one B in her honors classes and I couldn't be more proud. Not once has she complained about not having a phone. In fact, she admitted that not having the stress of social media on her back was a relief and she liked "being a kid for a little longer". She enjoys movie night now and all of the tv shows and things I introduce her to. Back when she had a phone she would say that everything was "boring" and would constantly ask, "can I go to my room now?" It was that stupid phone she couldn't keep her nose out of. Without it, we actually feel like we have an articulate daughter that knows how to carry on a conversation.

I have kids. I have taken away electronics. But only rarely. And I tried to find other solutions first. I tried very hard to coach my kids through how to live with the electronics rather than take them away. Because face it, electronics are a big piece of their lives going forward. All of their friends have electronics, and the kids without are going to be isolated. My daughter had a friend whose parents took her phone away a lot, and she just borrowed friends' phones at school. Just checked her social media when they were at school. Another friend was never allowed to have a phone and she remained isolated. The only way to talk to her outside school was to call the mom's phone since most homes don't even have a land line any more. It was very rough on that girl going through high school.

 

[Alicefan]

And sometimes it isn't. Without knowing the child in question, none of us can really say if that was the case here. It's our job as parents to know our kids well enough to read the nuance of this type of situation and react properly. Is this out of character for the child? Have they been pushing boundaries in other areas? People are just throwing out ideas.


I have kids. I have taken away electronics. But only rarely. And I tried to find other solutions first. I tried very hard to coach my kids through how to live with the electronics rather than take them away. Because face it, electronics are a big piece of their lives going forward. All of their friends have electronics, and the kids without are going to be isolated. My daughter had a friend whose parents took her phone away a lot, and she just borrowed friends' phones at school. Just checked her social media when they were at school. Another friend was never allowed to have a phone and she remained isolated. The only way to talk to her outside school was to call the mom's phone since most homes don't even have a land line any more. It was very rough on that girl going through high school.

I have to laugh at it being "very rough on that girl". None of us had to have a phone 24/7 growing up and I think we'd all say that life was better. Every one of us were at the risk of having to speak to someone's mom when we called them back in the day. We all survived. lol If the truth were known, people hate taking away the child's phone so much because it's more of a hassle for the parent than the child. Yes, not being able to text my kid and know where she is constantly is a PIA, but that's where trust comes in. If she uses someone else's phone at school, so be it. She isn't stuck in one all day every day. THAT kid was not fun to be around. Her grades have come up and she's not completely disengaged anymore so win win. YMMV

 

[sam_gordon]

I have to laugh at it being "very rough on that girl". None of us had to have a phone 24/7 growing up and I think we'd all say that life was better. Every one of us were at the risk of having to speak to someone's mom when we called them back in the day. We all survived. lol If the truth were known, people hate taking away the child's phone so much because it's more of a hassle for the parent than the child. Yes, not being able to text my kid and know where she is constantly is a PIA, but that's where trust comes in. If she uses someone else's phone at school, so be it. She isn't stuck in one all day every day. THAT kid was not fun to be around. Her grades have come up and she's not completely disengaged anymore so win win. YMMV

Please notice the first word I bolded. Since no one had a phone, it wasn't a big deal. Everyone had a landline. The way kids interact has changed. ETA: I wonder if the families who got indoor plumbing used to say "none of us had indoor plumbing growing up and we survived".

Here's another secret... there are still kids who have good grades even though they spend a lot of time on electronics. They even have friends, talk to their family, and hold down jobs.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

How in the world did you come to that comparison? Teaching a kid right from wrong and respect has absolutely nothing to do with the level of communication or trust. My child and I talk about all kinds of stuff and she comes to me about things that bother her etc, but she ALSO knows that there will be repercussions for bad behavior and it's a better idea not to be a jerk to people. My daughter knows I have her back and will come to her rescue as well as knowing that she's expected to follow the rules of the house or she'll have to deal with punishment.

A world of difference between teaching respect and demanding it without conditions. Kids can be taught respect out of fear, out of "you'll do as I say and that's that", etc There is often a correlation between these and how kids react to situations and decades of research to go off of. Parents can be the ones kids go to but not everything and not always in situations that count.

What you would describe just in the brief comment above is authoritative parenting, but other comments I've seen are so much more authoritarian parenting. Both parenting styles have expectations of behavior and the consequences that follow but both go at it differently. The repeated ignoring of this detail leads me to believe there might be more of a hit nerve in how people are perceiving one's parenting style (understandable truly). But you really don't have to take anyone's word for it. Plenty of online resources one can go to to privately review their own parenting style. Admittedly I do not speculate anyone's ethnicity but that does interact with the acceptance of certain parenting styles although that does not absolve negative or positive impacts.

 

[Alicefan]

Please notice the first word I bolded. Since no one had a phone, it wasn't a big deal. Everyone had a landline. The way kids interact has changed. ETA: I wonder if the families who got indoor plumbing used to say "none of us had indoor plumbing growing up and we survived".

Here's another secret... there are still kids who have good grades even though they spend a lot of time on electronics. They even have friends, talk to their family, and hold down jobs.

Yep, I'll add that what works for one kid might not work for the rest. Mine was getting into trouble because of the phone and peer pressure etc... the phone went and things got better, for her as well as us as a family. As for the indoor plumbing, absolutely they say that and it's true. For me, so what if things have changed and just because everyone has one doesn't exactly mean that it's better and that we need to work around that. Reminds me of how my dad used to say, "If everyone carried around a bag of dog poop would you need to carry one around too? lol Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their child and not worry so much about what everyone else has or what everyone else is doing. If it's a problem (and it was) I don't care what society is doing, I only care about what may be harming my child. Since my daughter's brain hasn't finished developing and she was making poor choices in relation to having a phone at a much too early age, we had to make the decision for her in order to keep her safe.

 

[sam_gordon]

Yep, I'll add that what works for one kid might not work for the rest. Mine was getting into trouble because of the phone and peer pressure etc... the phone went and things got better, for her as well as us as a family. As for the indoor plumbing, absolutely they say that and it's true. For me, so what if things have changed and just because everyone has one doesn't exactly mean that it's better and that we need to work around that. Reminds me of how my dad used to say, "If everyone carried around a bag of dog poop would you need to carry one around too? lol Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their child and not worry so much about what everyone else has or what everyone else is doing. If it's a problem (and it was) I don't care what society is doing, I only care about what may be harming my child. Since my daughter's brain hasn't finished developing and she was making poor choices in relation to having a phone at a much too early age, we had to make the decision for her in order to keep her safe.

The way I read your earlier posts wasn't "what works for one might not work for the rest". I read it as ALL parents should be cutting off the phone. I agree there are times it's necessary, but not as a general rule. Since that's not what you're saying, I apologize for misunderstanding.