Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[QueenIsabella]

A lot of people seem to be missing the whole "what works for one kid might not work for another" angle. Three of my 4 kids were relatively easy, with occasional bouts of inexplicable issues. The fourth only learns a lesson if the lesson is painful. Not necessarily physically painful, but it has to REALLY HURT for the lesson to sink in. That same kid is the one of mine for whom electronics wasn't a big deal.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have to laugh at it being "very rough on that girl". None of us had to have a phone 24/7 growing up and I think we'd all say that life was better. Every one of us were at the risk of having to speak to someone's mom when we called them back in the day. We all survived. lol If the truth were known, people hate taking away the child's phone so much because it's more of a hassle for the parent than the child. Yes, not being able to text my kid and know where she is constantly is a PIA, but that's where trust comes in. If she uses someone else's phone at school, so be it. She isn't stuck in one all day every day. THAT kid was not fun to be around. Her grades have come up and she's not completely disengaged anymore so win win. YMMV

Glad you got a chuckle out of it. I'm not talking about "well everyone else is doing it.....". That line of reasoning has never worked with me. I'm talking about the way kids communicate now. There are no land lines. No way to make plans with a friend without running into them in the hall at school...... without a cell phone. That girl was isolated. Not because of anything she did, but because she didn't have access to the basic communication tool everyone uses now to make plans.

Glad it worked for you. I will say if grades weren't doing well, I would probably consider a short term break from the phone. That wasn't the case for us. But ultimately kids have to learn to navigate the world of cell phones and electronics. As they get older, they need them in class for various things. And for their homework as well.

 

[ronandannette]

The way I read your earlier posts wasn't "what works for one might not work for the rest". I read it as ALL parents should be cutting off the phone. I agree there are times it's necessary, but not as a general rule. Since that's not what you're saying, I apologize for misunderstanding.

There are far more responses to the OP in this thread that jumped all over her for her handling of the situation, running it through their own filters and speculating every scenario under the sun. The premise of the thread wasn't WWYD and many posters just took an automatic position against her handling of it.

I think we should all presume that parents love their kids, know their kids, and have decent discernment as to the root of a situation. It's wise for us to never-say-never-or-always with our own kids, but it's downright offensive to say someone else should never-or-always do a certain thing with theirs. I trust the OP's daughter will get her phone back after Halloween, will think twice next time about defying a direct instruction from her mom, and they will both go on to lead happy and productive lives with their relationship intact. This incident is but a blip - one of so, so many that occur over the teen years.

 

[Southernmiss]

Please notice the first word I bolded. Since no one had a phone, it wasn't a big deal. Everyone had a landline. The way kids interact has changed. ETA: I wonder if the families who got indoor plumbing used to say "none of us had indoor plumbing growing up and we survived".

Here's another secret... there are still kids who have good grades even though they spend a lot of time on electronics. They even have friends, talk to their family, and hold down jobs.

We never took a phone away from any of our 4. There were other ways to redirect.

They are now a CPA, a pharmacist, a incoming medical school student and successful biology major in junior year of college.

I've enjoyed the side discussions on soccer referees here as it was how they made their middle and high school spending $. And all of those parent, coach experiences are very familiar.

Our pharmacist is our gamer. He now can buy his own gaming toys to game with friends on his days off.

All things in moderation. Phones are very different now than in the past.

 

[sam_gordon]

There are far more responses to the OP in this thread that jumped all over her for her handling of the situation, running it through their own filters and speculating every scenario under the sun. The premise of the thread wasn't WWYD and many posters just took an automatic position against her handling of it.

Fortunately or unfortunately, that's how things work. Even if it's two friends talking about a situation over lunch, the "listener" (in this case the reader) might focus on something the "teller" (writer) didn't think should be the focus.

 

[georgina]

As a former teenager who was forced to take piano lessons for 2 years, she has my sympathy.

 

[mjkacmom]

The bolded is what many are advocating. Not listening to the instructor? OK, end the lesson, make the teen pay for it and leave. Direct, and IMO, appropriate consequences. Have a conversation later and find out what's going on. Just being a brat... "if you do that again, your electronics are gone" AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

I asked this earlier and no one has answered... if the teacher tells a student to do problems using "xyz" process, but they do it using "abc" process, would you say they're being disrespectful to the teacher and take away electronics, T&T with friends, and make them write an apology letter? Is failing the assignment good enough?

Not the same situation. If the teacher said Sally please sit down in your chair and Sally refused to sit, same situation. Off to the principal Sally.

 

[C&Jx2]

Dis

Anyone that tells you that you shouldn't take away their electronics probably doesn't have kids. We took away my daughters phone a month ago with no intentions of giving it back. She is completely more engaged with the family, happier, more talkative and has gotten back into her painting and drawing. She reads now, and finds other things to occupy her time. Friday she brought home all A's and one B in her honors classes and I couldn't be more proud. Not once has she complained about not having a phone. In fact, she admitted that not having the stress of social media on her back was a relief and she liked "being a kid for a little longer". She enjoys movie night now and all of the tv shows and things I introduce her to. Back when she had a phone she would say that everything was "boring" and would constantly ask, "can I go to my room now?" It was that stupid phone she couldn't keep her nose out of. Without it, we actually feel like we have an articulate daughter that knows how to carry on a conversation.

I’m one who said that. I have 15 year old twins. And for MY children I disagree. They are thriving in school and social life. YMMV.

 

[C&Jx2]

Dis

I’m one who said that. I have 15 year old twins. And for MY children I disagree. They are thriving in school and social life. YMMV.

I also see that I am about two pages too late and the poster I quoted clarified her stance to say basically the same. That not all kids feel the same.

 

[sam_gordon]

Not the same situation. If the teacher said Sally please sit down in your chair and Sally refused to sit, same situation. Off to the principal Sally.

I disagree. I see the piano teacher as telling the OP's DD HOW to do something and the DD not wanting to do it that way. IMO, it would be, OK, do it how you want, and when it predictably fails, this is why you do it how I told you.

 

[Meglen]

I was a teen who grew up with Yahoo chat rooms.. and a/s/l and zero limits on the computer.. and I turned out ok. These kids might have their phones alot but its will never be the pure chaos that the early 2000s had with zero internet safety.

 

[fly girl]

*** OFF TOPIC ***

Happy to report today's games went much smoother for my daughter. Whew. It'll be interesting to see if she wants to ref in the spring. I think she likes the cash, so my guess is she will get that thick skin and tough it out. We shall see.




*** BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING ***

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There are far more responses to the OP in this thread that jumped all over her for her handling of the situation, running it through their own filters and speculating every scenario under the sun. The premise of the thread wasn't WWYD and many posters just took an automatic position against her handling of it.

I think we should all presume that parents love their kids, know their kids, and have decent discernment as to the root of a situation. It's wise for us to never-say-never-or-always with our own kids, but it's downright offensive to say someone else should never-or-always do a certain thing with theirs. I trust the OP's daughter will get her phone back after Halloween, will think twice next time about defying a direct instruction from her mom, and they will both go on to lead happy and productive lives with their relationship intact. This incident is but a blip - one of so, so many that occur over the teen years.

Agree with this.

And sorry, but the part with the teacher being “creepy” because she was crossing her legs was a complete cringe, IMO. (It’s a wonder they can get people to coach or teach private lessons anymore.)

At 13 my children (not just the girl but the boy) would’ve been well coached since very young about how to come to me or their Dad with inappropriate behavior of an adult in their world (exceptions for special needs). Could it happen? Of course. Is it likely to be the issue? Highly doubt it.

Flame suit on.

 

[mjkacmom]

I disagree. I see the piano teacher as telling the OP's DD HOW to do something and the DD not wanting to do it that way. IMO, it would be, OK, do it how you want, and when it predictably fails, this is why you do it how I told you.

I see it as the teacher telling the student what to do, and the student refusing, even though after so many years of lessons she knows hiw she is supposed to sit. As her parent I’d be mortified and honestly shocked.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I see it as the teacher telling the student what to do, and the student refusing, even though after so many years of lessons she knows hiw she is supposed to sit. As her parent I’d be mortified and honestly shocked.

Yeah and that would be my first indication something was up and to approach it in a delicate way because if something is so out of character maybe it might be best to give that care and attention.

 

[ronandannette]

Agree with this.

And sorry, but the part with the teacher being “creepy” because she was crossing her legs was a complete cringe, IMO. (It’s a wonder they can get people to coach or teach private lessons anymore.)

At 13 my children (not just the girl but the boy) would’ve been well coached since very young about how to come to me or their Dad with inappropriate behavior of an adult in their world (exceptions for special needs). Could it happen? Of course. Is it likely to be the issue? Highly doubt it.

Flame suit on.

Only surpassed in its cringy-ness by the poster who suggested maybe the DD was crossing her legs because she found the teacher arousing...honestly... And both remarks totally ignored the OP's details about the teacher being an older man, well-known and trusted by the family and having taught the siblings for many years AND that all the lessons take place with the OP always immediately present. Sheesh...

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I am honestly horrified at how many people jumped on the bandwagon that the piano teacher is either creepy or did something wrong. What a leap. This is why no one wants to coach, teach, etc.

The kid was being an annoying and difficult teenager which is par for the course of being a teenager, but doesn't require the level of psychoanalysis some are doing here. And I can't believe the number of people who think you can't take away electronics because the child will be cut off from communication. The point of a punishment is that it's uncomfortable. A kid will survive a week without electronics. Good lord.

 

[ronandannette]

I am honestly horrified at how many people jumped on the bandwagon that the piano teacher is either creepy or did something wrong. What a leap. This is why no one wants to coach, teach, etc.

The kid was being an annoying and difficult teenager which is par for the course of being a teenager, but doesn't require the level of psychoanalysis some are doing here. And I can't believe the number of people who think you can't take away electronics because the child will be cut off from communication. The point of a punishment is that it's uncomfortable. A kid will survive a week without electronics. Good lord.

The OP didn't say so, but maybe the teacher REQUIRES a parent to be present at all times, since the lessons are apparently given at his house. He would definitely be smart to make that a requirement if it isn't already. Other than realllllly close family members or friends, I wouldn't be alone with a kid these days for a million bucks.

 

[NAB]

Only surpassed in its cringy-ness by the poster who suggested maybe the DD was crossing her legs because she found the teacher arousing...honestly... And both remarks totally ignored the OP's details about the teacher being an older man, well-known and trusted by the family and having taught the siblings for many years AND that all the lessons take place with the OP always immediately present. Sheesh...

I’m pretty sure the Op only told us about him being old and her being in the same room when it happened after we suggested maybe he made the girl uncomfortable. She did say he has been teaching her for years that was it , we didn’t know it was out of his own home either.

 

[Living42Day]

There was another thread on here not too long ago about if you ever said to your parents that you hated them. I shared on that thread that even if I felt that strongly I never said it because I knew that my home was not a safe place with supportive people. I was not free to have any sort of emotions that weren’t perfectly in line with what my parents wanted.

It’s not common at my own home but yes over the teen years once or twice my kids have said that they’ve hated me and I’m glad that they feel that they can say that or that they can say once or twice to shut up. It’s not a regular occurrence and is very rare but when they’re absolutely at their breaking point and frustrated I want them to feel that they can say how they feel and that they know I will love them through it.

If your child has absolutely never lashed out at you- the chances are that they don’t feel that it is a safe place where they can be their authentic selves with you.

I’m not the boss of my children. I’m not their friend either. I’m their teacher.

Girllll...you can't be serious. Would you be ok with them talking to their actual teachers in school like that? Telling them that they hate them or to shut up?

I am best friends with my parents, even when I was younger. I never had strict rules, could hang out with whom I wanted, never had a curfew, etc. But if I had dared tell my mom to shut up or that I hated her, I probably would have been popped in the mouth. That is blatant disrespect and shouldn't be something that is celebrated. Kids can feel comfortable without being disrespectful.

To be clear, I was never slapped or popped in the mouth growing up. I just could never imagine saying that to someone that I loved, even as a hormonal and grumpy teenager.