Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[fly girl]

Heck no I haven’t talked to her we like to ignore problems in my family, denial is best


…. A ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question

Honestly, I didn't read it as an asinine question and I think the poster didn't mean any harm. It was more of a double checking after the big brouhaha to see if there was more to the story, and that maybe your teen was at a comfortable place to discuss the issue.

It is so easy for us parents to look at bratty behavior as just that. And maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I think that is why the poster was asking if there was anymore to the story. That's all.

It could have been something insignificant another kid said that got in her head. I remember a kid in 7th grade called me "Miss Posture Lady" because I sat up so straight and didn't slouch (something that wasn't meant to be mean) but I took it as a dig and I tried to change my mannerisms because of that stupid comment. That is what you do at 13, you question everything trying to fit into your own skin. Some kid could have said something about girls don't sit without their legs crossed and it snowballed into this. Who knows.


*edited for spelling

 

[Meglen]

I think it was mentioned that he’s a big old, not that there is anything wrong with being kind of old.

Ah missed that post.. but I was always into old guys.. huge crush on Hugh Laurey from house at like 16 yr old lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Honestly, I didn't read it as an asinine question and I think the poster didn't mean any harm. It was more of a double checking after the big brouhaha to see if there was more to the story, and that maybe your teen was at a comfortable place to discuss the issue.

It is so easy for us parents to look at bratty behavior as just that. And maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I think that is why the poster was asking if there was anymore to the story. That's all.

It could have been something insignificant another kid said that got in her head. I remember a kid in 7th grade called me "Miss Posture Lady" because I sat up so straight and didn't slouch (something that wasn't meant to be mean) but I took it as a dig and I tried to change my mannerisms because of that stupid comment. That is what you do at 13, you question everything trying to fit into your own skin. Some kid could have said something about girls don't sit without their legs crossed and it snowballed into this. Who knows.


*edited for spelling

Southernmiss isn't known for pot stirring either. She comes across as genuinely wondering in what I thought was an innocuous way and was met with belittling which is why I understood mom2rtk's subsequent comment.

 

[princesscinderella]

All is well with my teen, she likes to sit with her legs crossed because they are crazy long and it’s comfortable. We did talk about it and she understands that it was her disrespectful behavior to her teacher and stubbornness which is why she was punished. She is surviving happily without her electronics although she did say she misses her Spotify because she loves music. I gave her our portable hurricane radio so she could have music and she declared it’s not the same since she can’t listen to the new Taylor swift on repeat. My reply is welcome to my childhood where the radio was always on a random shuffle and why we made mixed tapes. Also playing piano is not drudgery for her, she used to also play clarinet which she wanted to give up and we let her. We are a very musical household and usually prefer music to the TV my kids can beat some adults in name that tune as we have exposed them to music across all genre and time periods. Music is wonderful for our brains and especially in developing coordination and dexterity in kids. My son built his own bass guitar by hand with pretty mediocre hand tools and play 4 instruments and my other daughter plays flute and piano too.

 

[sam_gordon]

I sat up so straight and didn't slouch

Try hard.

 

[fly girl]

@princesscinderella I am happy to read all is well.

To take the heat off of you, I'll add my daily teen moment. Prayers for my survival after sharing as I know I will be scrutinized, but you can have at it because I know exactly why it transpired the way it did. I have no issue with it. Here it goes:

Preface: DD is a ref for youth soccer in our area. She started this fall so this is her first time working the tournament weekend.

An hour ago, I get this text asking for the head of the league. She has this persons phone number, but apparently I am supposed to have it burned into my brain.



Naturally, I am concerned especially since she has been screamed at by parents on regular weekends telling her the call she made was wrong. And a few weeks ago she and 2 other refs had to red card a coach who was going ballistic. Keep in mind, this is a recreational soccer league and she typically refs for U10 and U12 (both boys and girls). With all that in mind, I have no idea how ugly it could get during tournament weekend.

Now let me show you the reality of this text exchange timeline:



My minute looking in my phone for the number was too long. Like I said, I have to have it memorized just in case.

I understand the panic she felt once I realized why she sent the text. First time referee for a tournament, and it ends in a tie. She read the tournament rules this morning as a refresher, but in the heat of the moment she was second guessing herself. Add in adult coaches and sidelines packed with adults looking at her for the answer, she freaked out. And my minute to find that number felt like an hour. I get it. I still feel that way myself at times.

Just made me laugh, especially since she has the number on her phone, but I guess she thought mom would be faster.

 

[fly girl]

Try hard.

smart ***

I really had no idea I sat up that straight. I think it was subliminal in hopes of looking taller.

 

[princesscinderella]

@princesscinderella I am happy to read all is well.

To take the heat off of you, I'll add my daily teen moment. Prayers for my survival after sharing as I know I will be scrutinized, but you can have at it because I know exactly why it transpired the way it did. I have no issue with it. Here it goes:

Preface: DD is a ref for youth soccer in our area. She started this fall so this is her first time working the tournament weekend.

An hour ago, I get this text asking for the head of the league. She has this persons phone number, but apparently I am supposed to have it burned into my brain.

View attachment 714739

Naturally, I am concerned especially since she has been screamed at by parents on regular weekends telling her the call she made was wrong. And a few weeks ago she and 2 other refs had to red card a coach who was going ballistic. Keep in mind, this is a recreational soccer league and she typically refs for U10 and U12 (both boys and girls). With all that in mind, I have no idea how ugly it could get during tournament weekend.

Now let me show you the reality of this text exchange timeline:

View attachment 714740

My minute looking in my phone for the number was too long. Like I said, I have to have it memorized just in case.

I understand the panic she felt once I realized why she sent the text. First time referee for a tournament, and it ends in a tie. She read the tournament rules this morning as a refresher, but in the heat of the moment she was second guessing herself. Add in adult coaches and sidelines packed with adults looking at her for the answer, she freaked out. And my minute to find that number felt like an hour. I get it. I still feel that way myself at times.

Just made me laugh, especially since she has the number on her phone, but I guess she thought mom would be faster.

Sports parents can be brutal. My friend has sons in travel baseball and they have told some crazy stories of parents misbehaving on the sidelines. Thanks for sharing.

 

[fly girl]

Sports parents can be brutal. My friend has sons in travel baseball and they have told some crazy stories of parents misbehaving on the sidelines. Thanks for sharing.

I have seen coaches and parents kicked out of games for soccer and basketball. Two circumstances that were the worst was when my daughter was in the 5th grade. FIFTH GRADE!! My goodness, these girls are playing in dinky county or school leagues, not the Olympics. Perspective people!! The worst was when the coaches on the opposing basketball team were kicked out. They had to have a parent get off the bleachers to coach the game to inconsolable crying 10-11 year old girls. Broke my heart.

A few weeks ago after one particularly brutal weekend of reffing, my dd looked at me and said, "thank you for not being a soccer mom." Nope, I was never that. All I wanted was her to have fun.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have seen coaches and parents kicked out of games for soccer and basketball. Two circumstances that were the worst was when my daughter was in the 5th grade. FIFTH GRADE!! My goodness, these girls are playing in dinky county or school leagues, not the Olympics. Perspective people!! The worst was when the coaches on the opposing basketball team were kicked out. They had to have a parent get off the bleachers to coach the game to inconsolable crying 10-11 year old girls. Broke my heart.

A few weeks ago after one particularly brutal weekend of reffing, my dd looked at me and said, "thank you for not being a soccer mom." Nope, I was never that. All I wanted was her to have fun.

My husband coached rec and travel soccer for 4 of our kids, ages 5 until high school graduation (he coached the boys and girls varsity teams in the off season). Not only did he need to fire one of his (volunteer dad) coaches, he was not allowed to sit in the bleachers. He yelled at the kids so much, especially his son. I remember a high school game when his son stopped in the field and yelled SHUT UP DAD! and everyone cheered. My 19 year old ref’s but hates it because of the parents.

 

[prairie_girl]

I have to say, my daughter was totally fine through her teen years. Did we butt heads once in a while? Yes, but they were few and far between and we were always laughing again within a few minutes. Reading some of these stories just reinforces to me how lucky I was.

When my daughter was four she went to a daycare. The outside play area had a bunch of small pebbles, and for whatever reason, she liked putting them up her nose. I had a talk to her about how it was dangerous, and it made me and the staff worry that she might hurt herself.

So, one day I picked her up, and we got on the bus to go home. We were talking and I asked her ’did you put a rock up your nose today’? Her reply- ‘no mom, I put two’. She seemed so proud of herself. I burst out laughing and so did a few people on the bus who had overheard her LOL

Thankfully, she grew out of it not long after that.

 

[sam_gordon]

I have seen coaches and parents kicked out of games for soccer and basketball. Two circumstances that were the worst was when my daughter was in the 5th grade. FIFTH GRADE!! My goodness, these girls are playing in dinky county or school leagues, not the Olympics. Perspective people!! The worst was when the coaches on the opposing basketball team were kicked out. They had to have a parent get off the bleachers to coach the game to inconsolable crying 10-11 year old girls. Broke my heart.

A few weeks ago after one particularly brutal weekend of reffing, my dd looked at me and said, "thank you for not being a soccer mom." Nope, I was never that. All I wanted was her to have fun.

DD gave up being a soccer ref because one dad was yelling at her saying they're videoing her and going to report her. This was for a U12 game... she was 15. I *REALLY wish I was there. I want to ask the dad which one his kid was and start yelling at him for making a bad pass, missing a tackle, etc.

We tried to encourage DD by reminder her she has the power to kick out any parent or coach she'd like. She still gave it up. She now works at Zaxby's.

 

[MrsPete]

kids will choose a weird hill to die on.

True. They can only be what they are: Children.

... Yesterday DD got mad at me because I was in the same room as her. She got home from school and was sorting through her bag in the family room and I walked into the room to grab my phone. She accused me of "following her around" and stormed up to her room ...

Kids of all ages do things like this -- things that are utterly ridiculous. I remember when my oldest wouldn't eat broken crackers. The best way to handle this from teens is to recognize that these are usually small events prompted by something else in their lives -- so don't blow them out of proportion. Which doesn't mean accept disrespect.

We also went through the "I must have xx color cup" phase with the oldest. I learned from that one, and with the last two kids, we only had one color cup/plate/bowl available...

Reminds me: We had a set of Pooh Bear glasses when my kids were little ... and when the cousins came over, those glasses always caused a fuss. If I'd been smarter back then, I would've dumped the glasses.

What breaks my heart is seeing some of my son’s classmates who he’s known since pre-k go down the path of drugs and partying too much in high school. Those are big parent problems that I hope I never have to deal with. Some have been kicked out of their private school for such poor behavior and performance.

Yes, my kids lost friends who chose to get into that scene. It is terribly sad.

My issue is this doesn’t have any sort of natural consequence.

Yes, yes, yes -- always natural consequences. The punishment should always fit the crime. That's how the real world punishes us adults.

Not a story, just my go to advice for parenting teens. Don't escalate. If they are in one of "those moods", find a way to disengage and come back to it later. You are likely to find a more reasonable child that can have a reasonable conversation. Learn to ride the advantage of the changing moods rather than fight it.

Agree. If your kid is "in a mood", you don't have to handle it right now. Wait a couple hours, then come back to it. Chances are the kid will be in a better place.

People are talking about too strict /too lenient. Both extremes are wrong -- individual situations /different personalities require individual evaluation. Something dealing with drugs or alcohol? You can't be too strict. Left chores undone? Was mouthy? Let's talk details: How often does it happen? What was the intent?

I have to say, my daughter was totally fine through her teen years. Did we butt heads once in a while? Yes, but they were few and far between and we were always laughing again within a few minutes. Reading some of these stories just reinforces to me how lucky I was.

I could say the same thing. Honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times I had REAL trouble with the two of them as teens -- and it was always over the car and always about "everyone else's parents allow ...".

 

[georgina]

Haven't read the whole thread, but feel compelled to add, parenting young adults can be hard, as well. My DS is 30, and still a challenge. God bless all parents, no matter how old their kids are!

 

[fly girl]

DD gave up being a soccer ref because one dad was yelling at her saying they're videoing her and going to report her. This was for a U12 game... she was 15. I *REALLY wish I was there. I want to ask the dad which one his kid was and start yelling at him for making a bad pass, missing a tackle, etc.

We tried to encourage DD by reminder her she has the power to kick out any parent or coach she'd like. She still gave it up. She now works at Zaxby's.

Yep. I feel you 100%.

Picked her up and she looked fine putting her stuff in the car. Until the car slammed shut and the tears just poured out. Apparently the last game was just brutal. Coach and parents just giving her the business. Sadly, she has noticed that she gets it the worst when there are 2 female refs versus when a male ref is with her. I wish I could close my eyes and not believe that to be true, but it is. Easier to pick 14-15 year old girls.

I had her go back to the league manager to reinforce to her that the league does have the refs backs. It is repeatedly told to them, but I think these kids are still afraid. I don't know if it did any good, but they told her the same things we have reiterated at home. You have the power to tell parents to politely tell them to stop it, or else they will have to leave. I hope she has the moxie to really do it if it is necessary. And same with the coaches, pull the yellow card. Let them know you aren't taking their antics! So hard when we teach them to respect adults and to flip and do a 180. Part of learning about life, but difficult to grasp at 14 years old.

Apparently her interactions were mild. One parent came up to refs after a game and started berating them. When they told him to back away he started shouting the "bomb" word.

Our society needs help. This is rec soccer, it means absolutely nothing. You are supposed to be instilling good sportsmanship and being a team player. Not anymore.

 

[sam_gordon]

Yep. I feel you 100%.

Picked her up and she looked fine putting her stuff in the car. Until the car slammed shut and the tears just poured out. Apparently the last game was just brutal. Coach and parents just giving her the business. Sadly, she has noticed that she gets it the worst when there are 2 female refs versus when a male ref is with her. I wish I could close my eyes and not believe that to be true, but it is. Easier to pick 14-15 year old girls.

I had her go back to the league manager to reinforce to her that the league does have the refs backs. It is repeatedly told to them, but I think these kids are still afraid. I don't know if it did any good, but they told her the same things we have reiterated at home. You have the power to tell parents to politely tell them to stop it, or else they will have to leave. I hope she has the moxie to really do it if it is necessary. And same with the coaches, pull the yellow card. Let them know you aren't taking their antics! So hard when we teach them to respect adults and to flip and do a 180. Part of learning about life, but difficult to grasp at 14 years old.

Apparently her interactions were mild. One parent came up to refs after a game and started berating them. When they told him to back away he started shouting the "bomb" word.

Our society needs help. This is rec soccer, it means absolutely nothing. You are supposed to be instilling good sportsmanship and being a team player. Not anymore.

Since we're a small soccer community, the person who assigned her (my DD) to the game had been her coach for years. She explained what happened and he apologized. He said he thought it was going to be a "calm" game otherwise he or another adult would have been there to back her up. Didn't help, she still gave up.

I will reluctantly admit to yelling at referees "in the heat of the moment". But it was more "that's not offside!", not "you suck!"

I will say, and I'll tell any referees this also... I think they are partly to blame for the situation we're currently in. I don't think they've done enough DURING THE GAME to control parents & coaches (in the last 5-10 years). As soon as someone starts spouting off, eject them. If enough refs (in any sport) do this, the abuse will stop. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the refs are deserve what they've been getting (absolutely not), but they're not helping themselves either.

 

[fly girl]

Since we're a small soccer community, the person who assigned her (my DD) to the game had been her coach for years. She explained what happened and he apologized. He said he thought it was going to be a "calm" game otherwise he or another adult would have been there to back her up. Didn't help, she still gave up.

I will reluctantly admit to yelling at referees "in the heat of the moment". But it was more "that's not offside!", not "you suck!"

I will say, and I'll tell any referees this also... I think they are partly to blame for the situation we're currently in. I don't think they've done enough DURING THE GAME to control parents & coaches (in the last 5-10 years). As soon as someone starts spouting off, eject them. If enough refs (in any sport) do this, the abuse will stop. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the refs are deserve what they've been getting (absolutely not), but they're not helping themselves either.

The hardest part for the teens is advocating for themselves. I think they hope ignore it and it will go away. Sadly, it doesn't. DD is working again tomorrow, I told her nip it in the bud in the beginning.

I was proud of her today. She told told the coach she was firm in her call and it wasn't changing.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

The hardest part for the teens is advocating for themselves. I think they hope ignore it and it will go away. Sadly, it doesn't. DD is working again tomorrow, I told her nip it in the bud in the beginning.

I was proud of her today. She told told the coach she was firm in her call and it wasn't changing.

Good for her for standing her ground. She should never change a call to appease anyone.

That said, as an adult who was a basketball referee, until I was no longer healthy enough to run the floor with high school boys, she will have to learn to ignore a lot. It won't go away, but she will be miserable, if she doesn't learn to tune people out. It's no different than tuning out the noise, when you're an athlete. It has to become second nature.

I wasn't sure from your previous post, but I hope they're not scheduling two teenagers (male or female) to ref the games. They should always be sending an adult with her. The reality is it's a tough job for an adult. Sadly, a teenager would receive even less respect in a job where respect is a foreign word in many cases.

IME, middle & high school rec. ball was worse than school sanctioned teams.

 

[fly girl]

Good for her for standing her ground. She should never change a call to appease anyone.

That said, as an adult who was a basketball referee, until I was no longer healthy enough to run the floor with high school boys, she will have to learn to ignore a lot. It won't go away, but she will be miserable, if she doesn't learn to tune people out. It's no different than tuning out the noise, when you're an athlete. It has to become second nature.

I wasn't sure from your previous post, but I hope they're not scheduling two teenagers (male or female) to ref the games. They should always be sending an adult with her. The reality is it's a tough job for an adult. Sadly, a teenager would receive even less respect in a job where respect is a foreign word in many cases.

IME, middle & high school rec. ball was worse than school sanctioned teams.

Agree wholeheartedly that a thick skin is required for being a ref. She has become more accustomed to it as the season progressed, but I think when it was the coach and at least a dozen parents yelling she had reached her breaking point. Live and learn. Of course I don't like this happened, but I do like that this was a life lesson ... esp if you are going to work with the public. She is fine now, and is ready for tomorrow.

Yes, they schedule 2 teens for the U10 games. U12 will have a lead ref that is an adult. This county has a big league, they cannot get enough refs. They have training with the refs and coaches before the season to instill that they are to work together. Naturally, in the heat of the game coaches crumble. With that said, I have never worried for her safety. They do have adults at the fields ready to assist in a moments notice.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Agree wholeheartedly that a thick skin is required for being a ref. She has become more accustomed to it as the season progressed, but I think when it was the coach and at least a dozen parents yelling she had reached her breaking point. Live and learn. Of course I don't like this happened, but I do like that this was a life lesson ... esp if you are going to work with the public. She is fine now, and is ready for tomorrow.

Yes, they schedule 2 teens for the U10 games. U12 will have a lead ref that is an adult. This county has a big league, they cannot get enough refs. They have training with the refs and coaches before the season to instill that they are to work together. Naturally, in the heat of the game coaches crumble. With that said, I have never worried for her safety. They do have adults at the fields ready to assist in a moments notice.

She has to be a strong girl to even try reffing. She has my respect. I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with it at that age. It's a mentally taxing job.

It's too bad they don't have enough adults to send out with the teens. I'm guessing it's a pay issue. That would help, but it's good you don't have to worry about her safety.