Open bar or cash only at wedding?

[Gigi22]

Hmm. The OP has some really good reasons for not wishing to have an open bar. Could you not put an insert in the wedding invitation to the effect of, "For liability reasons, we will have [state your arrangements]. We encourage all our guests to make arrangements such as selecting designated drivers and carpooling, or reserving taxis for their safe return home".

Before my youngest DSis was married, our family lawyer told us that if any of our guests were to drink and drive and got in a accident, we could be held liable.

 

[Disney Doll]

Cash bars are the norm here in New England. I think only once in my life have I been to an open-bar wedding reception. People who like to get drunk and rowdy will be even more so with an open bar; having to pay for their drinks slows them down a bit!

When we got married, many of the guests mingled around the church while we had photos taken outside. At the reception site, we had a cash bar available, and provided punch, soft drinks, and light munchies (chips/veggies/dips/snack mix) for guests who arrived there before we did. We provided a champagne toast and 2 bottles of champagne (or was it wine... can't remember) on each table at dinner time. This was (a) what we could afford, and (b) what we wanted, to do. Anyone who was at our wedding to get drunk was on his own!

If the bridal couple doesn't want alcohol served at all, I would respect their wishes. It's their wedding, after all!

Where do you live in New England? I live in New England and I've been to exactly one cash bar wedding.

Interesting how things not only vary by region but even by state.

 

[aprilgail2]

Where do you live in New England? I live in New England and I've been to exactly one cash bar wedding.

Interesting how things not only vary by region but even by state.

I've been to a few weddings in New England and have never had a cash bar at any of them.

 

[ICF]

Totally agree with this. Bride and grooms wishes totally override the grooms mother, who basically isn't paying anything.

Winner...Winner....

The Bride and Groom should have the reception that THEY want!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think the cocktail hour, followed by dinner with wine and a champagne toast with the cake, and otherwise no alcohol being served after the meal, sounds lovely and well thought out.

A dinner party that wasn't a wedding would have a similar flow of drinks--cocktails, then dinner with wine, dessert with coffee and/or a dessert wine and then coffee after. So, to me, that does not feel off or weird at all.

I don't think you need to "warn" anyone that the bar is only open that hour either. It would feel a little weird to me if you did.

I have been to wedding with all sorts of different set ups for alcohol (from none, to cash bars, to full open, to only wine, etc). ALL have been nice and to the best of my knowledge no one has "talked" about any. It would be pretty awful to have relatives and "friends" who would!

(BTW--when I got married 27 years ago, we had an early afternoon wedding. We served locally brewed beers as well as wines and we had a champagne toast. No other alcohol. To the best of my knowledge the only thing people talked about was a good thing--how fabulous the locally brewed ROOT beer was and how we ought to have gotten two kegs--that ran out ).

 

[TLSnell1981]

Your concern regarding the bar isn't the money as much as it is the drunken relatives who may overindulge and ruin the day.

A cash bar isn't going to solve that. The drunks are just going to bring enough $$ to still tie one on....
.

In a nutshell.

Just a suggestion, but food slows the absorption of alcohol. So, hor d'oeuvres during cocktail hour, can help curtail the drunks. We served champagne only, before dinner....wine with the meal. Now, we had a full/open bar for the remainder of the evening, BUT no one was driving home. This is another concern when serving alcohol.

Ultimateły, this is about, what makes the bride happy (the groom should know this too ). Guests, MIL included, should honor the her wishes.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

Thanks for the quick replies! I will pass them on to my daughter and her fiance, and let them decide what to do. Certainly they don't want to upset his family, but they also don't want to deal with any scenes, and I can't blame them!

My daughter's one big complaint about having the open bar during the cocktail hour was that she would not have a chance to have a Mudslide because she would be off getting pictures taken! What, she thinks the wedding is all about her?

And I don't begrudge the groom's family for providing only $500, they are of a mind anyway that the bride's family pays for everything. I know she won't like when the bridal couple tell her that maybe she should keep her guest list to about 75 people, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we deal with the bar, and then cross it off the very long list of wedding stuff!

Actually when formal weddings usually run about $20 per head, if she is only willing to contribute $500 for everything I would tell them they are limited to 50 guests and if she wants an open bar SHE will have to pay for it.

I personally would only have a champagne toast and wine with dinner. I wouldn't even have the open bar for 2 hours. Do you know how drunk someone can get in 2 hours who knows they only have 2 hours to drink? It might get very ugly very fast.

I have had experience with drunks ruining a wedding and I would do whatever you had to do to avoid that at all costs. They won't remember much about that day except the big scene that gets started by the drunk folks.

In this day and age it is not totally up to the bride's parents to pay for everything.

Even 20 years ago I attended several weddings where the bride's family paid for the wedding and honeymoon and the groom's family paid for the dinner and reception. Especially if they have a ton of ppl they are inviting.

 

[iheartdisney]

If the bride and groom want a dry reception, by all means they should be able to have a dry reception! Without pressure from either set of parents to make it accommodating. The wedding is for them, NOT their guests!

 

[SmallWorld71]

Where do you live in New England? I live in New England and I've been to exactly one cash bar wedding.

Interesting how things not only vary by region but even by state.

I've lived near Boston my entire life (41 years) and been to more weddings than I can count off the top of my head. They've ranged from simple affairs to elaborate and expensive. Every single one of them was a cash bar. Around here it has absolutely nothing to do with expense. It's what's the norm and I don't know a single person who would head to a wedding without cash. Usually people take turns buying rounds.

In any case, my personal opinion is that it is the bride and groom's choice. If they don't want a bar (cash or open) then no bar. If others don't like it that's their problem. If drinking is more important than the happiness of the couple getting married, then they can either get themselves to an AA meeting or go get drunk somewhere else. Not the brides and grooms concern.

 

[ironpig70]

I'm from the west coast and have yet to be to a dry wedding or cash bar wedding.

I like the idea of drinks only at a cocktail reception and wine after during dinner.

The cash bar idea IMHO is tacky and could be probmatic if you let your guests know. I know if I was going to a wedding and being charged for drinks I would bring my own drinks which would just make the problem worse.

Lastly I would not let people know about the lack of drinking. I know its sneaky but most people will show up planning on an open bar and leave there stuff at home and the problem will be avoided.

 

[rigs32]

If the bride and groom want a dry reception, by all means they should be able to have a dry reception! Without pressure from either set of parents to make it accommodating. The wedding is for them, NOT their guests!

Technically, it's the wedding ceremony that is all about the bride and groom. The reception is then a thank you for the guests for having come and celebrated with them.

If you want a dry wedding, fine. A limited bar, fine. But I am one of the people who thinks a cash bar is rude.

 

[Mama Mouse]

My daughter is getting married and we are in planning stages of the ceremony and reception. All will be held in the same location, with hopes for an outdoor ceremony amongst the gardens and indoor for reception.

On my side, I have a brother that is an ugly drunk. On the groom's side, according to the groom, there are a lot of drinkers that think the only good party is a drunken party. My daughter would like to avoid having any drunken scenes from either side. Her fiance and our family are in agreement.

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.

The groom's mother is completely against this, and states that we should at least have a cash bar for the whole reception, as people look forward to drinking at weddings. She said that she could contribute $500 towards the whole wedding, but no more. I am not sure yet if there is a cost for a cash bar from the venue, I have a call in to them this morning.

I will state that this isn't a question of being in the poor house if we provide a bar, but more a question of the bride and groom not wishing for a repeat of family events they have witnessed from the groom's side of the family.

So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. They have a very large family, ours is small, and their guests outnumber ours, but I am ok with that as long as it is people the groom is happy to see. Other than my brother, the bride's side doesn't really care if we have alcohol (though I do enjoy a good Mojito).

What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

This kind of stuff drives me nuts because there will be people who actually call the bride and groom rude for not accommodating their drinking habits.

This is their wedding and if they don't want that type of affair, they have every right not to have it and they have no responsibility to support everyone's desire to drink at weddings. That's absurd.

Etiquette, imho, goes way too far when it comes to weddings. Have a cash bar for the limited time if anything but no way in the world would I provide alcohol for numerous drinkers if I am not a drinker. They should be able to celebrate and congratulate without a drink in their hand and if they can't, then that's a problem.

Sorry. This is a hot button for me. I'm in the midwest, too, and know how these things can get out of hand.

 

[aprilgail2]

It's what's the norm and I don't know a single person who would head to a wedding without cash. Usually people take turns buying rounds.

I don't know anyone that brings cash to a wedding- other than what they put in the envelope. There is never any reason to bring cash with you.

 

[shoney]

I don't know anyone that brings cash to a wedding- other than what they put in the envelope. There is never any reason to bring cash with you.

Well...we bring a little bit of cash with us to tip the valet, coat check and bar.

Not enough to buy rounds of drinks!!!

Weddings usually have an open bar. My SIL was recently remarried and she just had beer and wine and no cocktail hour, but that is not the norm.

 

[luvavacation]

Taking under advisement the different options and opinions, my daughter has decided to go with the 2 hour open bar after the ceremony and then closing it down the rest of the night. She wants sparkling grape juice for toasting (it is her favorite, none of us cares for champagne anyway) and then a choice of red or white wine at dinner, poured slowly by staff. She is also considering the coffee and hot chocolate bar for later in the evening.

She is now dealing with a future mother in law that is no longer coming to the wedding because

1. My daughter asked for an approximate count of how many people she would like to invite, as I am planning on 50 for each side, with the suggestion that if the groom's side wants more, they may pay for it, we just want to reserve the correct size room (apparently, it is rude to ask for how many guests they want to invite).

2. How can the groom's family go to a wedding where we have no bar of any sort? They just don't think they will come because we are insulting their family by not providing alcohol. While the groom's side may be filled with a bunch of people that really enjoy drinking until they pass out, I also have the alcoholic brother, so it isn't as if this is just directed at them, but you know, when one is angry, it can be hard to see straight and process facts.

I am backing up the two of them, and just shaking my head over not coming to a wedding that you AREN'T EVEN PAYING FOR because you can't drink through the night and you refuse to give an idea of how many people you wish to invite because it would be rude to ask people if they want to come. She just doesn't get that I am not asking for if people are coming, I just want to know if she has an idea of whether or not it will be over 50 for their side so I can reserve the correct size room with a guarantee from her that she will pay for the extra (and I wish it was $20 per person, try 5X that much in my area, plus bar and venue).

I am sure she will calm down eventually, but I do hate that the whole alcohol provision question devolved into this. At least my daughter and her fiance have made a decision on this matter, and they can proceed to the next step - putting out the fire with the East Coast family members!

 

[luvsJack]

Oh my goodness, OP. Give your dd lots of hugs and support, this may be a bumpy ride for her!

I can't imagine not attending my own child's wedding because I didn't agree with how they chose to serve alcohol!

They are already compromising with the 2 hour open bar. Its not like there will be no alcohol at all. MIL is just being unreasonable on this.

 

[bankgirl05]

Taking under advisement the different options and opinions, my daughter has decided to go with the 2 hour open bar after the ceremony and then closing it down the rest of the night. She wants sparkling grape juice for toasting (it is her favorite, none of us cares for champagne anyway) and then a choice of red or white wine at dinner, poured slowly by staff. She is also considering the coffee and hot chocolate bar for later in the evening.

She is now dealing with a future mother in law that is no longer coming to the wedding because

1. My daughter asked for an approximate count of how many people she would like to invite, as I am planning on 50 for each side, with the suggestion that if the groom's side wants more, they may pay for it, we just want to reserve the correct size room (apparently, it is rude to ask for how many guests they want to invite).

2. How can the groom's family go to a wedding where we have no bar of any sort? They just don't think they will come because we are insulting their family by not providing alcohol. While the groom's side may be filled with a bunch of people that really enjoy drinking until they pass out, I also have the alcoholic brother, so it isn't as if this is just directed at them, but you know, when one is angry, it can be hard to see straight and process facts.

I am backing up the two of them, and just shaking my head over not coming to a wedding that you AREN'T EVEN PAYING FOR because you can't drink through the night and you refuse to give an idea of how many people you wish to invite because it would be rude to ask people if they want to come. She just doesn't get that I am not asking for if people are coming, I just want to know if she has an idea of whether or not it will be over 50 for their side so I can reserve the correct size room with a guarantee from her that she will pay for the extra (and I wish it was $20 per person, try 5X that much in my area, plus bar and venue).

I am sure she will calm down eventually, but I do hate that the whole alcohol provision question devolved into this. At least my daughter and her fiance have made a decision on this matter, and they can proceed to the next step - putting out the fire with the East Coast family members!

Pi$$ on them!!!!!(that'll put the fire out) If this is the way your DD's FutureMIL is acting NOW, boy does she have a long road ahead of her. If this were happening to me, I would elope!!!

I think SIL need to put his foot down, and explain to his mother exactly why they feel that they do not Drunk Fest 2014(or whatever year the wedding is) siting past experiences etc. Tell her that it is thier decision and she can either get with the program or stay out of it completely.

I would also decide on a number that you can live with price wise, and tell her that is it, no more unless she hands over money upfront for the deposit/room fees. Otherwise she will invite her best friend's cousin's babysitter and so on, and you will be stuck footing the bill!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh boy--your DD and future DSiL have a lot to contend with from his mom. Geez!

I don't think either DH or myself asked either of our parents who THEY wanted to invite to OUR wedding (we paid for almost all ourselves).

I think it is really odd and over the top for her to have guests SHE needs to invite and even more so for her to think she should have any say in what is served at the wedding.

If it were me, I would advise the "kids" to tell mom that they are planning it THEIR way and will invite who THEY want, and they hope she comes but are not going to get into any other planning details with her and if that upsets her, well that is her problem, isn't it?

 

[aprilgail2]

I just want to know if she has an idea of whether or not it will be over 50 for their side so I can reserve the correct size room with a guarantee from her that she will pay for the extra (and I wish it was $20 per person, try 5X that much in my area, plus bar and venue).

I assumed they meant 20.00 EXTRA per person for an open bar- not 20.00 per person for the cost of a reception, I don't think that is even possible LOL.

 

[Klismania]

She is now dealing with a future mother in law that is no longer coming to the wedding

Problem solved.