Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[kaytieeldr]

I went back and read the original post, too:

A reply in another thread made me think of this I saw a few months back.

I understand asking for assistance in final expenses, etc in obituaries.

BUT this one I was new to me. The person who passed was a speech therapist in schools (I had him years ago). He was a great person! A dear friend of mine knows his DIL and son very well. The son is a principal at a school and daughter-in-law works outside the home teaching dance.

So he passes from and in the obituary it asked for money for his grandchildren's education.

It's entirely possible that the grandchildrens' college fund was used to pay for the funeral - don't most funeral homes require full payment at the time?

 

[dakcp2001]

I went back and read the original post, too:



It's entirely possible that the grandchildrens' college fund was used to pay for the funeral - don't most funeral homes require full payment at the time?

Not the two I have used. They require a down payment and we made payments on the balance.

 

[luvmy3]

Agree to disagree. (I have read every post in this thread and while your opinion has been asserted by several others, many also disagree. It's a farcry from having "proved" the point.) Published obituaries, while obviously accessable to the general public, are NOT solicitations to total strangers, whether they include requests for charitable donations or not. When's the last time you attended a service for or donated to the American Cancer Foundation (for example) in memorium of someone you'd never met??

Well there really is nothing to prove, we are discussing our opinions. I believe its in poor taste and beyond tacky for a family to request "donations" from anyone planning on attending the service, even those who they personally did not know, to pay for their wants or non essentials. YMMV.

Then either you've never been to a funeral where it's traditional in the deceased's religion not to use/send flowers, or (again) people sending flowers were either not aware of that tradition or ignored it.

[COLOR="Red" I never claimed otherwise, only that flowers are standard at funerals. [/COLOR]


While this is indeed an unconventional suggest to people seeking some way to honor the deceased, if that person had no particular interest in a research foundation or something in the community, but had been passionate about his grandchildrens' higher education, I see nothing wrong with suggesting somewhere donations can be made.

That is fine that you find nothing wrong with "suggesting" people pay for the deceased love one's college education, I happen to find it wrong on a few levels.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Well there really is nothing to prove, we are discussing our opinions. I believe its in poor taste and beyond tacky for a family to request "donations" from anyone planning on attending the service, even those who they personally did not know, to pay for their wants or non essentials. YMMV.



That is fine that you find nothing wrong with "suggesting" people pay for the deceased love one's college education, I happen to find it wrong on a few levels.

Great. Don't donate to the suggested fund. But don't send flowers. Donate to the charity of your choice, in the deceased's name. Or don't. Find it wrong on whatever levels you want. Don't put, or allow to be put, comparable requests in any obituary in which you have any input.

But don't criticize anyone who does. Flowers die. Gift cards get used and forgotten (or not used but forgotten). An education lasts a lifetime.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

My cousin died unexpectly last year. He was 35 and left two very young children. The family asked for donations to the family. The day after the funeral they had a spaghetti feed to raise more money.

While some might think it was tacky, I felt that it was a very desperate time for the family and they really needed help, not a bunch of flowers.

I would never judge anyone in this situation. Maybe the grandparent was financially supporting.

 

[Minnesota!]

You were taking pictures at a wake?

"drop cards in slot" doesn't mean "put your money in here"
Bringing a card to a wake is pretty normal, so I would imagine there would be a specific spot to put those cards.

And to the pp who said something about a "funeral" registry, sadly I don't think it will be long before we do see stuff like that. I mean, if its what the dearly departed wanted to do or buy, why shouldn't we just ask others to provide it in the even of their death.

Just attempted to with my phone since this discussion was fresh in my mind. The funeral home was HUGE....the card/register area was nowhere near where the casket was. And, as I stated, in my little neck of the woods, "Drop cards in slot" typically means cards with money...same as a card box at a wedding.

But kind of on that topic - is it common in (g) your area to take pics at wakes? I remember growing up and people always taking pics of the deceased at wakes. I have a pic of my g-gma somewhere in her casket. So, honestly, even if I had been taking a pic of the woman in the casket, I can't guarantee that it would have been out of the ordinary...I think it's creepy, but I see it at a lot of the funerals I have attended.

 

[joviroxx]

It would be interesting to see this obituary and how exactly it was worded. I also would be interested to see if the grandparents were the caregivers of the grandkids.

Wasit Saying something like, A memorial fund has been established for... In lieu of flowers please.. or otherwise..

Soliciting money is tacky. The intent here would matter to me. I would be completely horrified to say to someone, when I die, don't send me flowers, just give the money to my grandkids, when there was no real necessity. I would much prefer someone make a donation to a charity in my name.

If someone wants to donate, go for it, but I certainly could NEVER ask for it in a printed obituary.

 

[zoo2tycoon]

OP here:

To clarify some things. The person who passed had 3 children. All of whom married, taking care of their own children and financially sound (this is a known fact). All are employed in well paying jobs.

He had been employed with the school district for almost 40 years and owned a business with his wife for 40+ years.

Here is the wording from the obit. I copied it down and just XXXX'd out his name

" Prefered memorials should be made to the college fund for XXXX's grandchildren at XXXXXX Credit Union."


Wrong to pass judgement yes, but tacky...I do think so. But that is my opinion and we can all agree to disagree on this.

I understand asking for money for kids when a young parent dies OR grand kids when they are financially being cared for by grandparents. In this obit neither was the case....
But it is also up to each of us what to do when someone passes, give a plant, donate money to charity, etc.

We have started getting gift card to a nursery and letting the person be able to buy a tree or something in memory of their loved one (if they have own home, etc). If not we will donate to charity.
I did have a friend whose sibling passed young and had young children. In that case they asked for money either to a charity (from what he passed from) or to the children. I did to the children as he was supporting them on his own and they were young.

 

[joviroxx]

OP here:

To clarify some things. The person who passed had 3 children. All of whom married, taking care of their own children and financially sound (this is a known fact). All are employed in well paying jobs.

He had been employed with the school district for almost 40 years and owned a business with his wife for 40+ years.

Here is the wording from the obit. I copied it down and just XXXX'd out his name

" Prefered memorials should be made to the college fund for XXXX's grandchildren at XXXXXX Credit Union."



Wrong to pass judgement yes, but tacky...I do think so. But that is my opinion and we can all agree to disagree on this.

I understand asking for money for kids when a young parent dies OR grand kids when they are financially being cared for by grandparents. In this obit neither was the case....

Yeah, tacky... And really, if they were in financial trouble, I would think they would need help to pay for funeral expenses or immediate needs...

 

[zoo2tycoon]

Yeah, tacky... And really, if they were in financial trouble, I would think they would need help to pay for funeral expenses or immediate needs...

I edited a little what you quoted, but I agree. I can see asking for final expenses but not college fund. Seems almost like a regional thing!

 

[powellrj]

As usual I am coming late to the game!

I know when my DFIL died, I had to plan the funeral by myself. The funeral director told me that I needed to pick a charity to put in the obit, and I didn't have a clue what to put. I asked him if I could just not put one and he said no, I needed to pick one so I picked a local military group because I couldn't think of anything better on short notice. Had I been thinking clearer I would have had his church listed, but on short notice thats what I came up with. Could this be what happened for this family?

 

[kaytieeldr]

OP here:

To clarify some things. The person who passed had 3 children. All of whom married, taking care of their own children and financially sound (this is a known fact). All are employed in well paying jobs.

He had been employed with the school district for almost 40 years and owned a business with his wife for 40+ years.

Here is the wording from the obit. I copied it down and just XXXX'd out his name

" Prefered memorials should be made to the college fund for XXXX's grandchildren at XXXXXX Credit Union."


Wrong to pass judgement yes, but tacky...I do think so. But that is my opinion and we can all agree to disagree on this.

I understand asking for money for kids when a young parent dies OR grand kids when they are financially being cared for by grandparents. In this obit neither was the case....
But it is also up to each of us what to do when someone passes, give a plant, donate money to charity, etc.

We have started getting gift card to a nursery and letting the person be able to buy a tree or something in memory of their loved one (if they have own home, etc). If not we will donate to charity.
I did have a friend whose sibling passed young and had young children. In that case they asked for money either to a charity (from what he passed from) or to the children. I did to the children as he was supporting them on his own and they were young.

"Preferred memorials" isn't the same as "you must donate to ____".

Respectfully, your own choice of actions when someone dies seems a bit, unfair - is the only word I can think of. It seems you're saying that if the deceased owned property, you give the mourning family something substantial; a thing, a choice, an item they can purchase and (with care) always have in view in memory of the person who died.

But if the deceased didn't own a house - apartment dweller? - you donate money to a charity? Then all the grieving family has is a card? Do you see how that seems unbalanced?

 

[GusGus77]

As usual I am coming late to the game!

I know when my DFIL died, I had to plan the funeral by myself. The funeral director told me that I needed to pick a charity to put in the obit, and I didn't have a clue what to put. I asked him if I could just not put one and he said no, I needed to pick one so I picked a local military group because I couldn't think of anything better on short notice. Had I been thinking clearer I would have had his church listed, but on short notice thats what I came up with. Could this be what happened for this family?

That is an interesting thought...

 

[nathalee81]

I'm sorry, but if the children are all well off and financially stable there should be no reason to ask for money for their children's education. Heck, even if they aren't rich, I don't see why I should pay for your kid's college fund. There are loans, the kid can get a job, etc.

I guess you can ask for anything you want, but I would choose NOT to donate to your grandchildren's college fund.

Sorry. I'm going to have enough trouble trying to pay for my kid's college (which, she will be expected to contribute to, as well), I can't afford to send anybody else's kid to college.

 

[joviroxx]

As usual I am coming late to the game!

I know when my DFIL died, I had to plan the funeral by myself. The funeral director told me that I needed to pick a charity to put in the obit, and I didn't have a clue what to put. I asked him if I could just not put one and he said no, I needed to pick one so I picked a local military group because I couldn't think of anything better on short notice. Had I been thinking clearer I would have had his church listed, but on short notice thats what I came up with. Could this be what happened for this family?

I don't know but it would say volumes if the first thing they thought of was money for their own kids educations.

 

[luvmy3]

Great. Don't donate to the suggested fund. But don't send flowers. Donate to the charity of your choice, in the deceased's name. Or don't. Find it wrong on whatever levels you want. Don't put, or allow to be put, comparable requests in any obituary in which you have any input.

But don't criticize anyone who does. Flowers die. Gift cards get used and forgotten (or not used but forgotten). An education lasts a lifetime.

You can relax, I'm not criticizing anyone who chooses to donate to the family's request. I'm criticizing the request.

 

[luvmy3]

Just attempted to with my phone since this discussion was fresh in my mind. The funeral home was HUGE....the card/register area was nowhere near where the casket was. And, as I stated, in my little neck of the woods, "Drop cards in slot" typically means cards with money...same as a card box at a wedding.

But kind of on that topic - is it common in (g) your area to take pics at wakes? I remember growing up and people always taking pics of the deceased at wakes. I have a pic of my g-gma somewhere in her casket. So, honestly, even if I had been taking a pic of the woman in the casket, I can't guarantee that it would have been out of the ordinary...I think it's creepy, but I see it at a lot of the funerals I have attended.

No, taking pictures are is not normal, at least in my area. Maybe it is in others. I too think that is creepy.

I understand why you thought to snap that pic, but it would be so strange for me to see someone taking out their camera (or phone) and snapping pics while at a wake (even if it wasn't of the deceased).

 

[dicar123]

My son was killed in an accident when he was 14. My neighbor had come to my husband and explained that several people had approached her to ask if there was a way to make donations. We actually had an insurance policy that covered both children, so we didn't need help with expenses. It didn't occur to us to set anything up until she mentioned it.

So, we just set up a First Name Last Name Memorial Fund and explained that donations would be going for equipment for the middle school football team he had played for.

A co-worker of mine had taken up a collection at work and gave me an envelope filled with cash. Honestly, that was just embarrassing. I protested, but she said, "Hey, there isn't a lot else we can do for you, spend it however you want, just take it, please."

Our pediatrician gave us a free office visit when my younger son was sick a month after the funeral. That was weird too.

 

[Buckalew11]

"Preferred memorials" isn't the same as "you must donate to ____".

Respectfully, your own choice of actions when someone dies seems a bit, unfair - is the only word I can think of. It seems you're saying that if the deceased owned property, you give the mourning family something substantial; a thing, a choice, an item they can purchase and (with care) always have in view in memory of the person who died.

But if the deceased didn't own a house - apartment dweller? - you donate money to a charity? Then all the grieving family has is a card? Do you see how that seems unbalanced?

I've never seen an obituary say "You must donate to___" anytime, anyplace. I do not believe the funeral home would ever word it that way. It is always a suggestion, never a command.

I think what the OP is saying is that if they own a home, she thinks they might want to buy a tree or plant but if you rent you will either a) not have outdoor space or b) might move around and away from said tree. Now, people who own homes move also so...

We've done trees on our town's greenway. That way moving away is less of an issue.

But I do not think the OP was discriminating againtest renters.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'm sorry, but if the children are all well off and financially stable there should be no reason to ask for money for their children's education. Heck, even if they aren't rich, I don't see why I should pay for your kid's college fund. There are loans, the kid can get a job, etc.

I guess you can ask for anything you want, but I would choose NOT to donate to your grandchildren's college fund.

Sorry. I'm going to have enough trouble trying to pay for my kid's college (which, she will be expected to contribute to, as well), I can't afford to send anybody else's kid to college.

Simply because the parents have "good" jobs and the grandparents ran their own business (along with the deceased having a "good" job) doesn't mean any generation is well off.

To be clear - because it seems I wasn't in an earlier post:
If you don't agree the preferred donation suggestion fits your concept of what's 'right', don't make any donation to it; and
If you feel an obituary suggesting donations be made to something that benefits the immediate family is tacky, crass, crude, etc - don't have any similar suggestion placed in any obituary over which you have any control.