Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[luvmy3]

Simply because the parents have "good" jobs and the grandparents ran their own business (along with the deceased having a "good" job) doesn't mean any generation is well off.

To be clear - because it seems I wasn't in an earlier post:
If you don't agree the preferred donation suggestion fits your concept of what's 'right', don't make any donation to it; and
If you feel an obituary suggesting donations be made to something that benefits the immediate family is tacky, crass, crude, etc - don't have any similar suggestion placed in any obituary over which you have any control.

Gee thanks for the advice, I'm sure those of us with a different opinion than yours wouldn't have thought of those things ourselves

 

[kaytieeldr]

Gee thanks for the advice, I'm sure those of us with a different opinion than yours wouldn't have thought of those things ourselves

Not at all. The patronizing response in post 156 makes it appear that the the part of my quoted post where I stated "Don't put, or allow to be put, comparable requests in any obituary in which you have any input" was either missed or misunderstood.

 

[Imzadi]

"Preferred memorials" isn't the same as "you must donate to ____".

Yes, the wording matters a great deal. I totally didn't get that the obit was ASKING/demanding a handout in any way. This is another DIS thread making a big to do out of nothing.

To ME, it was a suggestion: "IF one is planning on sending flowers, in lieu of (-- err, sorry forgot, don't use big words that might not be understandable on the DIS,) instead of $100 worth of flowers that die in a few days and only benefit the florist's pocket, it is the preference of the deceased to send the money to the grandkids college fund instead." He was after all "employed with the school district for almost 40 years," so of course, education would be a priority for him instead of dying flowers.

It's not that hard to figure out, unless one is looking for things to be judgmental about. Must be a slow day.

 

[joviroxx]

This IS a messageboard right? People were ASKING for opinions right? OK, just checking.

 

[dakcp2001]

Wondering if people are this rude to each other in real life and knowing that there is no way people would treat each other this way face to face.I think some people need to take a step back here and reread before you post. This is a message board, get ahold of yourself.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, the wording matters a great deal. I totally didn't get that the obit was ASKING/demanding a handout in any way. This is another DIS thread making a big to do out of nothing.

To ME, it was a suggestion: "IF one is planning on sending flowers, in lieu of (-- err, sorry forgot, don't use big words that might not be understandable on the DIS,) instead of $100 worth of flowers that die in a few days and only benefit the florist's pocket, it is the preference of the deceased to send the money to the grandkids college fund instead." He was after all "employed with the school district for almost 40 years," so of course, education would be a priority for him instead of dying flowers.

It's not that hard to figure out, unless one is looking for things to be judgmental about. Must be a slow day.

Yup, that wording makes it different. If you were going to send flowers, please reconsider and instead send money to grandkid's college fund. I mean we don't want you to spend your money on something that might be wasted, we'll take it for our own personal reasons though. But we aren't really asking for your handout.....
Thanks for that clarification, we totally didn't understand that, must have been all those big words.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Yup, that wording makes it different. If you were going to send flowers, please reconsider and instead send money to grandkid's college fund. I mean we don't want you to spend your money on something that might be wasted, we'll take it for our own personal reasons though. But we aren't really asking for your handout.....
Thanks for that clarification, we totally didn't understand that, must have been all those big words.

Your interpretation confuses me, although your sarcasm and condescension don't.

It's not, "if you were going to send flowers...instead send money...".
It's, "Please don't send flowers*; instead, please make a donation and if you're looking for somewhere to donate that would have great meaning to the deceased, here's a suggestion".

It's unorthodox, sure - but not worth all the criticism and angst seen here.

*There could easily be a cultural or other reason behind the request for no flowers.

 

[okeydokey]

I think the reason so many people are having trouble with the request is because manipulating someone's death for your own monetary gain is pretty icky.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

I think the reason so many people are having trouble with the request is because manipulating someone's death for your own monetary gain is pretty icky.

The only thing I can MAYBE get is that the deceased had no part in the tacky request and the family was caught off guard when asked for an " in lieu of flowers" suggestion. Otherwise I think it is quite icky.

 

[badblackpug]

My father died suddenly. We had never discussed any type of arrangements. Never, at any point, was there even a thought about trying to profit from his death.

I don't care how it was worded, it was in very poor taste to try to attempt to use those mourning a loved ones death for personal financial gain.

 

[luvsJack]

I think that perhaps the difference of opinion here has to do with whether this is seen as"profiting" from someone's death. I don't and obviously others do not either.

It sounds like some are assuming that this was the idea of the man's family when perhaps it was what was wanted by the deceased.

Whichever way it came to be, in some places, within some circles or whatever it IS an accepted thing it is not rude or entitlement or any of the other phrases that have been used.

Ya know just because something isn't the norm for you doesn't really give you the right to be insulting sarcastic or condescending.

 

[Rafiki31]

It seems really inappropriate to me. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have also never heard of this nor have I ever heard of bringing money to a wake or funeral. And I have been to a lot of funerals.

 

[Rafiki31]

I think that perhaps the difference of opinion here has to do with whether this is seen as"profiting" from someone's death. I don't and obviously others do not either.

It sounds like some are assuming that this was the idea of the man's family when perhaps it was what was wanted by the deceased.

Whichever way it came to be, in some places, within some circles or whatever it IS an accepted thing it is not rude or entitlement or any of the other phrases that have been used.

Ya know just because something isn't the norm for you doesn't really give you the right to be insulting sarcastic or condescending.

Right back at ya. You might want to take your own advice.

 

[nathalee81]

Simply because the parents have "good" jobs and the grandparents ran their own business (along with the deceased having a "good" job) doesn't mean any generation is well off.

To be clear - because it seems I wasn't in an earlier post:
If you don't agree the preferred donation suggestion fits your concept of what's 'right', don't make any donation to it; and
If you feel an obituary suggesting donations be made to something that benefits the immediate family is tacky, crass, crude, etc - don't have any similar suggestion placed in any obituary over which you have any control.

And, I wouldn't have made a donation.

A person posted asking if this was tacky, rude or the "norm", people have chimed in that it isn't (or, in some cases, it was). We are having a discussion-that is all. I don't understand why you are taking this personally.

 

[nathalee81]

I think that perhaps the difference of opinion here has to do with whether this is seen as"profiting" from someone's death. I don't and obviously others do not either.

It sounds like some are assuming that this was the idea of the man's family when perhaps it was what was wanted by the deceased.

Whichever way it came to be, in some places, within some circles or whatever it IS an accepted thing it is not rude or entitlement or any of the other phrases that have been used.

Ya know just because something isn't the norm for you doesn't really give you the right to be insulting sarcastic or condescending.

But, it is okay to be condescending to those that don't agree with you

 

[DebbieB]

When my dad died suddenly at age 59, alot of people gave my mom cards with money at the funeral home, I assume to help with expenses. When my mom died, we put in the obit to give money to Juvenile Diabetes (both my nieces are diabetic).

I really don't see the big deal, as long as it was the deceased's wishes. No one is forced to contribute.

 

[kaytieeldr]

[/B]


Right back at ya. You might want to take your own advice.

The comment you highlighted wasn't directed at you; and there was nothing condescending or insulting in that entire post

 

[dakcp2001]

[/B]


Right back at ya. You might want to take your own advice.

 

[Rafiki31]

The comment you highlighted wasn't directed at you; and there was nothing condescending or insulting in that entire post

I've read the entire thread and found your hypocrisy to be quite glaring. This thread got really nasty really quickly and the nastiness was not one sided. There are a few people here being condescending and sarcastic.

 

[kaytieeldr]

And, I wouldn't have made a donation.

A person posted asking if this was tacky, rude or the "norm", people have chimed in that it isn't (or, in some cases, it was). We are having a discussion-that is all. I don't understand why you are taking this personally.

My defense of the family of the deceased is based on my choice not to judge someone whose motivations I don't know.