I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party.
I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset.
Did you somehow think that she would be *less* upset when she got the invitation? Less upset when she showed up with them and they were turned away?
My husband has gotten in trouble all his life b/c he delays upsetting people. It's really the most ridiculous thing. He got a bad grade in school? He'd lie, and wait the 2 weeks for grades to come in and HOPE his parents would'nt look. Got in trouble. He forgets to do something he was supposed to do for our family? His first instinct is to wait, just in case something happens in between then and my finding out and I'm not upset. Doesn't work.
When were you thinking she would be *less* upset about this?
As for worrying about kids...once you are a parent you will always be a parent. Sure, the kids might not be right there, but they are going to be talking about the kids, showing pictures to family members they haven't seen in a while, going away to call the sitters, worrying that everything is OK at home, etc. There's no switch that parents flip to just forget they have children somewhere. You have unrealistic expectations of what your guests are going to do.
As for paying attention to the party, it's been covered here, but here's another way to look at it.
I have a very fancy wedding album. We spent the bulk of our wedding money on our photog, and the album is big and lovely. When there's a picture of us, you can see people behind us. Were those people staring intently at us? Well, other than during our first dance, NO. Absolutely not. YOu can see them chatting with their spouses or other guests, old friends, relatives. Other than the dance and the toasts, they aren't paying attention to us, they are having their own fun. And that's the point.
Don't kid yourself and think that everyone is going to be staring at you the whole night. So really, it doesn't matter who they are paying attention to, whether they are wrangling a kid or calling a sitter or talking about college with someone who hasn't seen them since elementary school.
The kids will be 11 and 7 at the time of the wedding. She also has a 2 year old. They do not have a lot of money so they do not have regular sitters. They only go out when grandparents come to see the girls. The location is two and a half hours from her house, so I guess it is pretty far away. I just do not have any other kids in the family except for her three so if I hired a sitter it would just be for those three.
Do you consider the kids to be your relatives? Nieces and nephews? Or are they so separate that they are your sister's children? No matter what, they ARE your relatives; it's not just your sister that is your relative.
Since you know your sister doesn't have a usual sitter and you know she doesn't have any extra money, let's talk it through, OK?
Let's say there's a full year until your wedding. So she has to first FIND a sitter who is willing to watch such a varied group of ages. Then FIND a sitter who is willing to watch them for the bulk of the day. A year from now. Now she has to see how the very few people who qualify deal with her kids. So she needs to invite the sitters over to meet the kids. If the sitter(s) passes that, then she has to *create* events for her and your BIL to go to, and FIND money to pay the sitter, for the practice events.
And even if she can find enough money to pay for enough sitting sessions to let everyone feel comfy....now she has to hope against all hope that this sitter is going to be available and there for your wedding!
Can you see how something that SEEMS so simple and easy, when you're not doing it, is actually quite an expensive and time-consuming proposition? I wouldn't be able to do it, and I only have one kid. We do not go out, together, without him except for every blue moon...it's actually been only ONCE, and he's almost 5. The one paid sitter we had was while we were moving, and it was across the street so we were in and out as we walked our stuff over. The solo sitting experience was with MIL, and it was only 2 months ago. It would take ages for us to find someone, and scads of money to let them get to know each other long enough for both to feel comfy enough to deal with a 10 hour event.
Not paying attention to the party - Why is there a need to pay attention to the party. Your there their there, this is going on in one corner, when that is going on in another corner. Aunt Bea and Uncle Jo are stuffing themselves with cake, while your BFF is hitting on your DH's hot single co-worker who came solo. Where is any one "paying attention" to the party.
Loved that.
That's what reminded me of my wedding pictures. I'm so glad people had fun, and SO glad people didn't pay too much attention to me. My brother re-connected with the ONLY member of our father's family that he will deal with, and the photog got a picture of them talking, and it's absolutely precious to me. I'm so glad they didn't waste their time watching us, and had a chance to talk.
...I want people to be able to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about watching kids. There have been lots of weddings in the family lately and kids have always been invited and people had to be parents and not have as much fun.
It might have been YOUR perception that they didn't have fun, but it most likely wasn't theirs. When you become a parent, you sign on to a whole different kind of fun. One of the benefits of getting married when older (I was 33) is that you have had it up to HERE with adults-only fun. I was ready for family fun! I just had a quick solo trip to DLR (well, part of a bigger ladies only trip) and hubby and son had most excellent fun at home. I will tell you...NONE of the women there with kids at home were 100% focused 100% of the time on themselves. We all had moments of missing our kids, or grandkids even. We thought about them, talked about them, bought gifts for them. I was a parent even though I was 2 states away. It doesn't matter where the kids are.
And the people who have good care and WANT to have a good time without wrangling kids? They will leave them at home! I tell you, we invited, by name, every single kid. 4 showed up. And 2 of them were in the wedding party. All the others had parents to watch the grandkids, or good sitters, etc, and wanted to party without the wrangling. Even though I, The Bride (LOL), wanted it to be otherwise. As it was I have excellent pictures of my then 9 year old half-sis (jr b'maid) and our 8 year old ring-bearer dancing and twirling on the dance floor. My 7 month old cousin is in a series of wonderful pictures as she sat on the edge of the dance floor or maybe on the grass (outdoors wedding and reception), and she's so cute. I danced with a little year old, her diapered-bottom right on my silk wedding gown, and those pictures are wonderful, as are the memories. I'm so thankful their parents brought them. They wanted their kids there (and they were invited). Every other parent did not. The parents of the ring bearer have another son, but they left him with grandparents!
You will not be featured in In Style magazine.
Contrary to what you seem to believe, people actually LIKE spending time with their own kids. Myself included.
Keep In Style away from weddings...they were the absolute curse for marriages while I was planning. Almost every cover-bride with wedding featured inside was divorced inside 1 year. Freaky.
I enjoy spending time with my son, too.
What is it with brides? All too often, they think that everyone else's life has to adjust or stop just because they are getting married. They are like 2 year olds having temper tantrums. "It's my wedding and if you don't do what I want, I'm throwing a hissy fit." Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a very selfish way of thinking.
I am sure her sister could find somebody to babysit if she really wanted to be there for her sister. It is amazing how many people will not attend an event because their children are not invited.
FWIW, we didn't experience this sort of guest, but there are MANY weddings with incredibly rude, tantrumy guests.
I wouldn't have an easy time finding someone to watch DS for half a day, not even with a year. See my first bit of answer.
