My sister's wedding issues

[mickeyboat]

Every time this topic comes up, I continue to be mystified by the number of people who do not have at least ONE person they can count on to watch their child(ren) for 24 hours just as a favor. I certainly hope they could come up with one in an emergency!

Me too, and this is usually my point in threads like this. But in this situation I think the bride needs to do better to accomodate her sister - or at least feel some compassion for her dilemma.

 

[Nancyg56]

You handled this so wrong. You withheld information from your sister that he kids were not invited, then you lied that they were not allowed and finally said they could view the ceremony and not come to the reception that is hours from her home and YOU ARE STRESSED?

If I was your sister I would not attend period. You setup the rules and now you live with the consequences.

This is how I see it as well. I never expected to have my children attend weddings of extended family or friends but if they were not invited to a siblings wedding I would not attend either.

So she should not have the wedding she wants just so her sister's kids can attend? Maybe her sister could come alone - I'm sure she'll know other people there. It's the OP's BIG day, and as for her sister, it's just another day.

Perhaps in your family a wedding is just another day but not in mine. Yes, the day revolves around the Bride and Groom (why is the Groom never mentioned in these threads) but as a sister, weddings were not just another day, They were special Sacred day that welcomed a new member into our family. The party was just the frosting on that Wedding cake.

Actually, why did her sister tell the kids they WERE invited? Obviously no one ever said they were invited. I have kids the OP's age, and they've dealt with more disappointment than finding out they weren't invited to a wedding, and were fine. Yes, the OP should've fessed up the first time her sister mentioned the kids, "sorry for the misunderstanding, but I'm planning an adult reception."

OP, you have plenty of time to find your sister a local sitter, and it would be a nice gesture to pay.

I think that OP should have told the sister right away that she was not going to invite the children. Most families include nieces and nephews unless notified, why on Earth would the sister know differently?

I would never leave my children with a stranger, not for a wedding. not for anything. My DD would not leave DGD with strangers either.

I agree with most of your post but I think you're off on this section. When a close family member is getting married, I DO assume that I am invited along with my whole family. That's the way we do things in my family. If a bride wants to change from the way things are usually done, that's fine, but I'd expect them to let me know, especially if I were involved in the planning. So, with a friend or acquaintance, I wouldn't assume--with my sister or my niece, I would.

Sorry but the day is not about only the bride. It is the joining of two families. Not Bride on Parade day. I have to be honest that I wouldn't even look for a babysitter if it was my sister. I would not go. If it was a friend or other relative then no problem, but my sibling no way. Sorry but I would be very hurt and insulted.

MTE.

they will be involved, they can go to the ceremony just not the reception. My brother is getting married in May, they have his reception to look forward to.

And they will. You have the right to have anyone you choose come to your wedding but you don't seem to respect that others have their own priorities. There were a lot of hard feelings when my nephew got married. His Bride and her Mother planned one humdinger of a wedding, It was "perfect". The perfect dress, the perfect reception, the right flowers, and it cost close to $100,000. Yup....it was perfect all right.

His sister married several years earlier. It was lovely. Not perfect. My brother and DSIL gave her a beautiful wedding, invited whoever she chose and kept the drama to a minimum. The way our family interacts with my niece and her Dh is way different than the way we all interact with my nephew and his DW. I love my nephew and like his wife but it is not the same anymore. Not so with his sister. You see, it was not who was or was not invited to their weddings that was the issue, it was the attitudes that they displayed throughout the process. One behaved as though her wedding was a family event and while she was certainly the showstopper she understood that she needed to respect the people who have been in her life. That did not mean they all needed to be included in the planning or that small childen were automatically invited. It meant that she wsa upfront about the wedding she wanted and allowed people to make their coices depending on their own circumstancews.

Now her brother's Bride was the opposite. This day was totally about the Bride. And she was stunning. I still cannot get past the disrespect shown to my brother and my wonderful sister-in-law. We all did enjoy the wedding but no meal will compensate for all the tears those two caused my nephews family. Was it worth it? I have no idea but IMO, of the two weddings I look back on Amy's with a warm feeling and with Brians..... It was okay but the turmoil took so much away form the day for me an for those of us close to my brother adn his family.

OP- you do what you want, it is your wedding and the children can and will enjoy their uncle's day. I don;t know how old they are but if this is the hill you want to die on, go for it.

 

[DawnMarie]

I'd like to ask the OP if she has considered or is considering allowing her sisters kids to attend or is that just flat out not a possibility?

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

OP, I don't mean this to sound harsh or mean-spirited, but, you definitely blew this one! So, you were busy...the truth is you didn't want to confront the issue with your sister (and I'm guessing that she is your older sister). Your sister should be very angry with you and you need to accept that!

I'm 41 and I'd guess that I have at least 20 years on you. (I feel like my grandmother saying this but...) the problem with today's brides is that they feel THEIR wedding is ALL about them! I've got news for you...the wedding is not nearly as important as the marriage or your relationship with your family. The wedding is a ONE day event or party. The relationship you have with your spouse and the relationship you have with your family lasts much, much longer (if you are lucky!).

Children do look forward to their Aunt's wedding. I remember being 5 and being so excited that my mom's youngest sister was getting married. If my Aunt had excluded me I would have felt horrible and I don't think I'd have the same relationship with her today that I enjoy! By not including your niece/nephew you are telling them that they don't matter to you and that you don't like them. (Think how you felt or would feel....being left out of a BIG party when you were a kid.) For this reason alone, regardless of your sister's hurt feelings, find a compromise!

What I'd suggest is that you 1) fess up to your sister and apologize. Tell her you were an idiot! 2) invite your niece/nephew to the ceremony AND the reception; 3) work out a plan with your sister that the kids will leave the party after a while...say around 8 or 9 (depending on their age) and have a family friend or someone (that your sister approves of) watch the kids until your sister is ready to leave the party.

While everyone says that "this is your day" the reality is that it is a day that belongs to your entire family. They want to celebrate with you and wish you well. Do you really want them to walk away with hard feelings? If you were my daughter (and no, I don't have one) I'd tell you that you are the one being selfish here and that you need to grow up and invite your niece/nephew. They may be the only kids there, but they are the important kids!

Just my $.02.

Karen

 

[daisax]

Favor and emegencies are two different things. I dont ask friends for favors that are lengthy in the time they are babysitting. I do have friends that would be there for me in a heartbeat if I have an emergency but I am not going to abuse that friendship to ask for a wedding.

Somewhere between favor and emergency is a sister's wedding. Maybe not quite as urgent as an appendectomy, but surely as important?

I just remember as a kid going to grandparents or aunts/uncles on the "other" side of the family when there was a big family event on one side. I remember spending the day at our neighbor's house when my sister was born. And later on there were playmates whose moms would have a sleepover in return for a sleepover when THEY wanted a day/evening/weekend out.

 

[Pigeon]

Only if the grownups around them harp on it as a horrible indignity, instead of one of a million other things they're too young to do yet.

No, not necessarily. I vividly recall not being invited to a cousin's wedding when I was about 9. I was devastated, and not because adults harped about it as a terrible indignity. It was because I loved the cousin and was so looking forward to going to her wedding.

Quite honestly, it ruined the relationship for me as a child. I've certainly "forgiven" her, but I really didn't want much to do with her after that.

 

[bumbershoot]

Every time this topic comes up, I continue to be mystified by the number of people who do not have at least ONE person they can count on to watch their child(ren) for 24 hours just as a favor. I certainly hope they could come up with one in an emergency!

In an emergency, if MIL is still around she would be at the hospital with Eamon, in the waiting room. Just as we were, with him, when FIL was in the hospital.

It's possible, if she got tired (diabetes and heart conditions and aging), I could call my good friend who is child-free. She has two semi-local sisters (about an hour away) and in an EMERGENCY she could coordinate the three of them to help out. Of course, one sister is the other sister's law assistant so it would cause big changes to the law practice but in an emergency i'm sure they would do it (unless, since it's a family law practice, our emergency was going to cause an emergency in a client's life, of course).

I think people should have more than one - I am fortunate to have many. If my parents weren't available, I certainly have enough friends here that would take my kids for me, and I would be comfortable asking my kids' friends' moms if they could watch them for me, maybe even sleepover (not the 2 year old - I'd ask a friend for that). Actually, my life would be a little lonely if I didn't have friends I could count on, a social network.

You are lucky that you have them and that you're happy with them. I have a very small social circle locally, and I'm totally happy with it. Most of the friends I had pre-kids disappeared post-my-kid, and they aren't really local anyway. Around the state, mainly.

My family lives in CA and VA. I'm in WA. In a TRUE emergency they'd fly out, but in the meantime it would be DS in the hospital waiting room, with MIL.

 

[jen0610]

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

So your sister is in the wedding that her kids are not allowed to come to.

Lets figure up the time spend away from her kids for YOUR wedding.

2.5+ hours Friday driving up for rehersal and dinner, which is another 4.0 hours.
Spend the night in the town where the wedding is taking place 9.0 hours - giving her a 1/2 hr to wind down before hitting the hay and 1/2 hr to wake up.
Get up the next morning and CATER to what ever her sister wants her to be doing for the next 18+ hours - hair, make up, nails, decorating the hall/church, helping bride get dressed, getting herself dressed, pictures....

I'm just gonna stop...because I think the picture is clearly painted, by the examples above. If your sisters kids are there, which I would really hazzard a guess that it's not kids, it's the 2 year old, your sister will not have the time to lavis the attention you want on you. While she will be able to do a good portion of them, she will also have to divide her attention to her young child.

Classy....I would so tell my sister where to stick her wedding and my being in the wedding, but my kids not being invited idea. And if any one in the family had an issue with that, take a number and get in line to head to the top of my crappy family member list. I'd just let them know that it'll take away to top the list as sister would be sitting at #1 for YEARS TO COME.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm 41 and I'd guess that I have at least 20 years on you. (I feel like my grandmother saying this but...) the problem with today's brides is that they feel THEIR wedding is ALL about them! I've got news for you...the wedding is not nearly as important as the marriage or your relationship with your family. The wedding is a ONE day event or party. The relationship you have with your spouse and the relationship you have with your family lasts much, much longer (if you are lucky!).

Children do look forward to their Aunt's wedding. I remember being 5 and being so excited that my mom's youngest sister was getting married. If my Aunt had excluded me I would have felt horrible and I don't think I'd have the same relationship with her today that I enjoy! By not including your niece/nephew you are telling them that they don't matter to you and that you don't like them. (Think how you felt or would feel....being left out of a BIG party when you were a kid.) For this reason alone, regardless of your sister's hurt feelings, find a compromise!

What I'd suggest is that you 1) fess up to your sister and apologize. Tell her you were an idiot! 2) invite your niece/nephew to the ceremony AND the reception; 3) work out a plan with your sister that the kids will leave the party after a while...say around 8 or 9 (depending on their age) and have a family friend or someone (that your sister approves of) watch the kids until your sister is ready to leave the party.

While everyone says that "this is your day" the reality is that it is a day that belongs to your entire family. They want to celebrate with you and wish you well. Do you really want them to walk away with hard feelings? If you were my daughter (and no, I don't have one) I'd tell you that you are the one being selfish here and that you need to grow up and invite your niece/nephew. They may be the only kids there, but they are the important kids!

Just my $.02.

Karen

I'm 42, and I attended my first wedding when I was 23 - I remember my parents going to weddings, and it didn't bother me a bit that I wasn't invited, because they were adult events. They went lots of places without us kids - we loved having sitters! It sounds like the OP wants her reception to be like a cocktail party - children shouldn't attend cocktail parties. I can't imagine a child being scarred for life over missing a 4 hour adult party - take them to CEC to make up for it.

 

[Heidict]

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

She is in the wedding and you still couldn't be honest and tell her that her children, your niece and nephew, are not allowed at the reception?

She has to be there the day before for the rehearsal and dinner, right?

Just what the heck are you expecting her to do with her children? Seriously? They don't have the money for a babysitter, let alone one that can watch 3 children for a minimum of 24 hours. Can her DH's family watch them? Really, what do you think she can do with her kids for 24 hours? They can't take care of themselves.

I'm just blown away that you expect her to act like some carefree person without a care in the world and have totally disregarded everything about her circumstances (distance that she lives, financial position, having to tell her children that their aunt doesn't want them at her reception) and then whine because she is stressing you out.

Have you for one minute looked at this from her perspective? I honestly don't think you have. If you had then you might have had a bit of sympathy and understanding in your decision and not come across sounding selfish, immature and with a list of lies and deceit that has come through in your posts. I really hope that this is not you and that the posts are just displaying your badly.

 

[Andy B]

This day is about the bride. If she doesn't want any children attending it is her decision. I would find it hard to believe that her sister would not attend her sisters wedding because her children weren't invited. I am sure her sister could find somebody to babysit if she really wanted to be there for her sister.] It is amazing how many people will not attend an event because their children are not invited.

I suppose the groom doesn't matter

Not to me.

 

[Stacerita]

The bride can do what she wants. Her sister will probably always be a little bothered by this no matter what the final outcome is. She just needs to be ready to live with it.

 

[Pigeon]

I have to laugh at the notion that kids don't want to be at weddings. Maybe there are a few who don't. I have, at last count, 19 nieces and nephews and two daughters, all of whom love going to weddings.

And I have to agree that I've seen far more wedding unscheduled "events" happen due to drunken adults than misbehaving children.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Somewhere between favor and emergency is a sister's wedding. Maybe not quite as urgent as an appendectomy, but surely as important?

I just remember as a kid going to grandparents or aunts/uncles on the "other" side of the family when there was a big family event on one side. I remember spending the day at our neighbor's house when my sister was born. And later on there were playmates whose moms would have a sleepover in return for a sleepover when THEY wanted a day/evening/weekend out.

For us there is no other side of the family to help out. They live far away or are physically unable to do it. So that leaves friends. While I do have some great friends that I trust with my children they have their own kids to take care of. This is not just a local wedding for a few hours. This is a multi-day out of town event. The rehearsal dinner and the wedding day. So no, there is no friend that I would ask to watch my 4 children for 12+ hours. I think it is a lot to ask of someone.

 

[bookgirl]

As for attending, I had a policy, if you told me my kids were not welcome, then I declined to attend. I left my kids at home when I felt it was proper, not someone else.

It's entirely the OP's decision if she wants an adult event or a child friendly one and she is not wrong for wanting it that way, she just should have been upfront from day one so that the kids did not get their hopes up and her sister would have time to adjust to the fact.

However I'd have to say if anyone every told me it was not my place to decide whether or not their children should be invited to an event that I was hosting, that would be the last invitation they ever recieved from me, sister or not.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm 42, and I attended my first wedding when I was 23 - I remember my parents going to weddings, and it didn't bother me a bit that I wasn't invited, because they were adult events. They went lots of places without us kids - we loved having sitters! It sounds like the OP wants her reception to be like a cocktail party - children shouldn't attend cocktail parties. I can't imagine a child being scarred for life over missing a 4 hour adult party - take them to CEC to make up for it.

Yes but it is not just a cocktail party. It is their AUNT'S wedding! The OP can have what she wants but that doesn't mean everyone has to attend if it doesn't work for them.

 

[Metsfan520]

I have to laugh at the notion that kids don't want to be at weddings. Maybe there are a few who don't. I have, at last count, 19 nieces and nephews and two daughters, all of whom love going to weddings.

And I have to agree that I've seen far more wedding unscheduled "events" happen due to drunken adults than misbehaving children.

I know what you mean! As a kid, I got to go to my aunt's wedding--it was fantastic! We kids had a great time, and none of the 16 of us--ranging in age from 2 1/2 to 23--caused a problem.

I haven't seen many drunken adults ruin things, but I have seen them do things that they normally wouldn't do. (singing at the top of their lungs, insisting that someone dance with them)

 

[*Fantasia*]

Her sister does understand, but the bride doesn't understand that her decision to not have children attend means her sister will be unable to attend. At this point in her life, the sister's children are her first priority, not bending over backwards for the bride.

Having said that, I really do think that there is room for more compromise here. As other PPs have already stated, getting a babysitter to stay with the kids during the reception, paid for by the bride and groom, should eliminate the ddrama.

FWIW, I have to agree with AndyB. What is it with brides? All too often, they think that everyone else's life has to adjust or stop just because they are getting married. They are like 2 year olds having temper tantrums. "It's my wedding and if you don't do what I want, I'm throwing a hissy fit." Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a very selfish way of thinking.

I agree. The key word is "COMPROMISE." You can have the wedding your way, but there's got to be an exception to your rule. I would be sadly hurt if my children were not invited and my children would feel hurt too and feel not important enough to be part of their auntie's happy celebration.

Don't you want to celebrate your happiest moment with your family? Children whether good or bad, they are your family. Whether you like them or not, they are part of your family. If you don't want to see your sister's children at the wedding or your reception.. have them sit at the very back corner. You will never even know that they are there cause you are too busy enjoying your new life with your new husband and enjoying your moment with other guests.

Your family would like to share their happiness with you. I think it is selfish to not invite your sister's children because you want a "perfect" wedding. There is no perfect wedding.. nothing is perfect in this world. There will be a small glitch somehow and your sister's children is not a glitch, they are family.

Don't let this whole situation stress you out. Just invite your sister and her family. You can't focus your whole wedding over this. Good thing that your husband to be does not have any kids or your husband to be would probably get upset too if his kids were not invited.

Good luck to you.. and I hope that your sister and her family can come to witness and celebrate the joyous moment of this celebration.

 

[diznygirl]

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

What is needed here is a little perspective. There will always be drama in planning a wedding. But you have to remember that it's just one day, and that what really matters is the relationship you will have with family and friends after you get done playing Bridezilla.

I'm very thankful that my friends still speak with me.

You and your sister have some time to work this out. It's not "My sister's wedding issues," it's actually yours and you need to figure out what you are going to do about it. Are you going to apologize to her for not telling her sooner and work something out, or stick to your guns and risk becoming an only child?

 

[Andy B]

Every time this topic comes up, I continue to be mystified by the number of people who do not have at least ONE person they can count on to watch their child(ren) for 24 hours just as a favor. I certainly hope they could come up with one in an emergency!

Well come and sit for me.

We have no grand parents alive and my only relative within 20 miles is a 83 yr old great aunt with developing Alzheimer's and we live in an area with transient population. So we do not have a sitter. We could call on a friend for an emergency such as a trip to hospital but not for a days sitting when we are going on a 5 hour round trip to a wedding.