My sister's wedding issues

[MeetMrsMasters]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

 

[JCJRSmith]

No advice, just wishing you the best of luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

Can you get her a sitter? I can't see the kids coming to the ceremony, and not the reception, without having a sitter, since she lives so far. I have no issue with kids not being invited to weddings - it's rare to have kids at weddings here, where weddings are very formal events. Can she just get a sitter at home, or have her kids spend some time at their friends' homes?

 

[Disneydonnam]

Where the site is hrs. from her house is she planning on staying at a hotel? Maybe an older niece or cousin could go to the ceremony with them and then mind them at the hotel. My cousin did this to be when we got married. She pulled the we are a family and if you don't want my children then I am not going. Mind you this is the one when she is hosting the party no childern are allowed. And every yr she would change the ages of what she considered a child to me. She is know saying 21 and older are invited. Go and plan your wedding and have the time of your life.

 

[scrapquitler]

First off, I agree with you wanting your wedding to be an adults only thing. My wedding was adults only, and as the bride/groom it is YOUR decision about the kids or no kids thing.

HOWEVER, what were you thinking keeping the 'adults only' idea a secret from your sister? It probably would have been easier to tell her from the get-go rather than keeping it a secret. By not telling her, it gave lots of time for her and the kids to get all psyched up about the kids being there, which unfortunately is harder to undo later than if you nip it in the bud right away.

I think that the best thing for you to do would be to help your sister find a babysitter at the location of the wedding. Maybe you know a teen in the local area of the wedding who you can enlist to watch the kids? You might even want to pay the babysitter to appease your sister.

 

[laurie31]

I would give your niece/nephew something small to do for the ceremony. If you don't want them IN the ceremony, then perhaps they could hand out programs or stand at the registry book. This is a common thing for older children to do here.

Oooh - how old are the children? If they are very young, then nevermind about something for them to do. I was just thinking if they were old enough to be excited about the wedding, they would be old enough to participate in some small way.

Depending on how close you are with your sister, either hire a sitter for her kids (and anyone else's who might "magically show up" ) for the reception, or else cheerfully have the reception without her.

 

[drivencrazy]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

So they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception? Seems a bit backwards to me... but if they can come to one and not the other I would see how it could be hard to make it (with and then without) the kids if it is hours from home.

I too understand where you are coming from, I have been to adult only weddings and I have been to weddings that the whole familys are invited to... really you need to do what you will be happy with and just let her know that You love her kids (I would guess you do) but that you want adults only. Even if she is a bit upset, she should understand.

On a side note... I do not usually attend weddings and other events that the kids are not invited to as I don't really have anyone that I can leave them with for hours (maybe 1-2 hours depending) and with my hubby working (our overseas) I don't always go since it is hard to pay attention to what is going on and to make sure all the kids behave.

Best wishes in whatever you decide... but I have learned that you do have to worry about your wants and not always others as you will start to hold it against them if you feel you are always changing things to fit their needs.

 

[glitterkittyy]

My nephew did an adults only wedding. It worked out perfectly and everyone was happy. How? They hired out a room at the wedding site and the reception site complete with professional sitters. Those sitters were amazing because they had tons of activities planned. For the older kids who wanted to see the wedding, they even arranged for them to see it on a tv. It worked out perfectly, the kids were able to come with the parents, and the kids were entertained away from the occasion.

 

[Darcy03231]

You should have the wedding you want. If that means no children, then no children. Just keep in mind that those people, like your sister, who do have children may opt not to attend. While you have a choice so do they.

When my children were young we could not afford a babysitter to attend an event hours from our home. If it were an adult only event (which I completely understand) we sent our regrets. Just be prepared for her to do that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That was pretty stinky to not tell your sister right away. I don't blame her for being upset.

I would sit down and tell her that it is adults only, period and leave it at that.

If she bails, then she bails. You have to accept that and so does she.

 

[Stitchfans]

Considering your sister's circumstances, I more than understand where she is coming from. It is not a matter of making her happy. It is a matter of what is best for her kids and what will make it easier plus a more pleasant situation. She is trying to make sure her kids are taken care of and since the kids from the looks of it love you and want to share this experience with you- she doesn't want to disappoint them,

Sorry but it looks like you are going to have to get used to the idea of your sister not being at the reception.

For me personally - we never go anywhere were our kids were not allowed. (now DD's are older and IMO not considered kids any more 14, 28)

 

[richmond282]

I agree that perhaps a sitter should be provided. We hired some local college kids to be available for childcare at our wedding and it wasn't an adults only event. I just felt it was a nice gesture for anyone (like my SIL who was a bridesmaid and had a 5 month old) who may need childcare.

 

[Longsx3]

First off, Yes it is your wedding, your choice.

However, Weddings are about Family.... I could not imagine not having all of my family with me to celebrate my big day. If you knew your sisters kids were so excited you should have said something, don't make lame excuses and blame it on the hall be honest with your Sister or she will see right thru your fib and it may cause lasting harm to your relationship.

I will say my Favorite picture from my Wedding is holding my 6 week old nephew at my reception, Saturday is my 16th anniversary.

 

[mvazul]

Why in the world were you not upfront with your sister from the very beginning??? I would understand if my sister wanted an adult's only wedding/reception (even though I am pretty sure mine would not do that). However, I would be highly pissed if she kept it a secret from me and let my kids get all excited about it.

Personally, I thik it's pretty childish to not be upfront with your sister, because you "knew she would be upset". I bet she's more upset now.

Michelle

 

[cinmell]

I I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married.

I can totally understand the no kids at the wedding thing. There is nothing wrong with that and you should not be guilted into inviting them.

However, why didn't you tell your sister about the no kids policy from the beginning especially when she "keeps telling you" how excited the children are. If you told her up front it may have been better. Actually she'd probably still be upset that her kids weren't invited but at least they would have not been excited for the event since they weren't invited. Out of curiosity, how old are your sister's children?

 

[NMAmy]

That's just the trade off for your decision. It's fine to not want kids at your wedding. But, along with that decision, you have to accept that some people you love may not be able to attend.

Frankly, I think keeping it a secret from her was a horrible idea. She should have been told from the beginning--then she could have tried to make an alternate plan. I don't blame her for not wanting to mess with trying to find a sitter for the kids at a faraway location. When were you going to tell her?

 

[huey duey & luey]

while I do agree that it is your and your fiance's decision, if the kids do come to the ceremony and it is far from her house, what is she really supposed to do with her kids for the reception?

I had a kind of no kids rule at my wedding, though I did have my nieces and a ring bearerwho were invited. We did exclude a couple of cousins, and looking back now I have to admit I feel bad and think it was the wrong thing to do.

 

[Nik's Mom]

We did not want children at our wedding either. Too many times, I noticed that children are running around and parents are not paying attention to the kids. So we did say "no children allowed." I'm sure some family members were not pleased, especially my dh's family. But it was what we wanted. The only children allowed were my page, flower girl and ring bearer. They were well-behaved.

Just explain to your sister that it wasn't mean to hurt her feelings. Admit that you were wrong for not telling her up front, but that you did not want to hurt her feelings.

 

[Todd&Copper]

So they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception? Seems a bit backwards to me... but if they can come to one and not the other I would see how it could be hard to make it (with and then without) the kids if it is hours from home.

Doesn't seem backwards to me. You don't have to provide a head count for the ceremony, and there won't be guests drinking (and possibly saying something a tad bit blue for young ears) at the church.

Anyway, I would have told my sister from Jump Street what I was plannng and offered to hire a sitter so she and her husband could attend.

 

[clgwli]

I agree that it was very crappy of you to hide this from your sister. I do understand wanting an adults only wedding (your wedding, your rules) but what you did was rude IMO. When were you expecting to tell her?

Don't worry about making her happy though. She has a family with kids so she has to do what is best for the children not what is best for you with your wedding.

I guarantee she isn't trying to do anything to spoil your day but you need to realize that not everyone will revolve their life around your wedding. You should realize that some simply will decline to come if they cannot find adequate child care.

I am not saying you are wrong just saying you should know what to expect.

I highly suggest you just let her do what she wants to do and do not take it personally