Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[Liberty Belle]

Just because they are married doesn't mean he just automatically gets half her bonus check as soon as it is deposited in the bank. If that's what marriage is, count me out, will never do it!

I'd assume most people would discuss this before marriage. We pool our salaries and use what we need. I don't think I've ever begrudged DH and money and I don't believe he ever has me.

 

[DisneyHardin]

This whole thread has been so interesting to read. I say that the OP should do what she wants with her bonus. DH and I do pool our money into one account, but I make about 2.5x more than he does. Honestly, I am guilty of feeling like more of the money is "mine" and sometimes gets upset when he buys something expensive without consulting me. Our extra money, though, is definitely ours. DH is a police officer and when he works off duty gigs, he generally cashes those checks and that is totally his money. I sell on eBay and that money goes into a different checking account than our household one and that is totally my money.

 

[amberpi]

But isn't that precisely why OP might want to check in with her husband to see precisely what his thoughts on the situation are? She specifically stated that their situation has been "working for both of them". It sounds like his raising this issue is not the norm. If she values their partnership isn't it logical to get to the heart of the matter with him? Or should it simply be considered her money, her decision, no harm, no foul?

IME, yes. Given what she's outlined, that it's usually a very good situation and this one time she wants to do something special for herself? Yeah, let the DH whine about it for a bit. It's one issue in a long marriage and we don't even know if it's big of deal. I'm sure she wouldn't be considering surgery if she hadn't really thought about it.

Your part about being hit by a bus? I kinda touched on that. People leave each other all the time, she could give him all her money forever and if she became a burden he could high tail it (btw, wishing all on the boards much health and happiness in 2018!); or she could reconsider the terms of their financial situation and he might have to pay more and he could stick by her through anything. All unknowns.

We just look at the same set of data and come to different conclusions. My luck in love is terrible, but I've always kept finances separate and I've never had an argument about money. Pretty sure that was the only bit I could get consistently right. I'd be unhappy if my DH, in his instance, wasn't supportive of my decision to better myself, so that's kinda a different side of the coin, but that's just *me*.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I have also often seen this issue. I know many couples who argue constantly about who paid for what (“I paid the last two times we went out to lunch”, “I took the dog to the vet so you owe me since it’s your dog”, etc).

Perhaps for some keeping their finances separate alleviates fights over money, but it’s certainly not always the case. I think if you’re prone to have resentment and disagreements about money, it will happen regardless of whether your finances are shared or separate.

The biggest concern I see with separate finances is a lack of budgeting and goal-setting. Because each spouse winds up with a good amount of ”discretionary money” and there is no accountability to each other, that money tends to be spent. When it is saved, it’s almost always one-sided and I just don’t understand how that will work out later down the road (when one spouse has tons of money for retirement and the other has nothing).

That is so foreign to me. I have never heard any of our friends arguing over something like that and two of our friend couples (that I know of) have separate accounts. Like a previous poster said, DH and I are a team. There is no his and mine.

 

[amberpi]

This whole thread has been so interesting to read.

Hasn't it? I like the no right or wrong way discussions!

 

[soccerdad72]

@chicagodisneyfan are you going to come back and enlighten us on your decision?

She's probably under anesthesia right now

 

[cabanafrau]

IME, yes. Given what she's outlined, that it's usually a very good situation and this one time she wants to do something special for herself? Yeah, let the DH whine about it for a bit. It's one issue in a long marriage and we don't even know if it's big of deal. I'm sure she wouldn't be considering surgery if she hadn't really thought about it.

Your part about being hit by a bus? I kinda touched on that. People leave each other all the time, she could give him all her money forever and if she became a burden he could high tail it (btw, wishing all on the boards much health and happiness in 2018!); or she could reconsider the terms of their financial situation and he might have to pay more and he could stick by her through anything. All unknowns.

We just look at the same set of data and come to different conclusions. My luck in love is terrible, but I've always kept finances separate and I've never had an argument about money. Pretty sure that was the only bit I could get consistently right. I'd be unhappy if my DH, in his instance, wasn't supportive of my decision to better myself, so that's kinda a different side of the coin, but that's just *me*.

You're making the assumption his pushback is solely about wanting more of the money himself. Based on what OP has shared here we don't know that. As for your suggestion that she's really thought about the surgery, that also cuts against her stance IMO, because if she had been contemplating this for quite a while it's odd that it wouldn't be anticipated by her husband that he would be expecting the expenditure.

IMO the expenditure of the money is far secondary to the meeting of the minds between the two. A relationship built together as the focus of both parties will last longer than one bought and paid for with annual bonus checks.

 

[sk!mom]

I really can't relate to this thread so it's hard to form an opinion. I guess, though, that the bonus should be handled however you normally handle a windfall. If it is handled as your normal finances are, and separate, then I don't see why he's complaining. If, however, you normally share then share as normal. It sounds like you could still afford the "tune up." Use the 10K additional gift toward it or allocate some of your discretionary (weekly concert) budget toward it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

A friend of mine keeps coming to mind every time I come back to this thread. He's a high-level IT guy, and I know roughly what he makes because he shares fairly freely about certain things and one of them was his life's goal of six figures before 40. I also know roughly what his wife makes because she's an elementary school teacher in the community where I grew up. And it is entirely fair to say that he has more money left over after paying their mortgage and household expenses than she earns to begin with. They're another case of unfathomable separate finances to me - there are times where she'll be stressing over her Christmas spending or debating whether she can afford to go to the spa with her girlfriends, while he's talking about his latest classic car project or the bigger-better TV he bought for his man cave. I couldn't do it. But she did know what she was getting going in - my friend has a child from a previous relationship and some very toxic (IMO) attitudes towards women/money because of the divorce/child support - and she's still there after 15+ years so obviously it is working for them on some level.



What comes across as rigid is your view that things will be the way you want them to be, no matter what, with no allowances for the fact that 1) life often gets in the way of the best-laid plans or that 2) people tend to change their views over time as circumstances change. What sounds good in theory, as a childless couple talking about marriage, might not play out so well once you're married with a child or two. It is easier if you don't want/have kids, certainly, but even then things like a health crisis, a job opportunity that requires relocating, and other "life happens" things can very easily muddy up the waters of "what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours".

I know my marriage couldn’t survive that first scenario, nor would I be able to treat my wife like that and still sleep at night.

The 2nd is yet another variable. At the very point in our marriage where DW was bringing in the highest % of our household income that she ever has (roughly 45%), I lost my job. I actually had a chance to retain my job, but it meant moving. Obviously, DW would have had to leave her job and there’s no guarantee she ever would have recouped her status & income in a new place.

I would imagine the separation of finances would get very tricky under such circumstances. At the very least, were I the one giving up my job so we could move for hers, I’d be renegotiating my deal!!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

To me I think the OP does share her money. She stated her income pays all of the bills and they do vacations, etc. on her income. Every year the bonus goes to something for THEM to do. It is 'theirs' but this one time she wants to use the money on herself. I don't see what the big deal is? It's one time out of many years. If my SO wanted to use his bonus on himself this year I wouldn't have an issue with it.

Just because a couple has separate finances doesn't mean it's all "mine, mine, mine" and "screw you" situations. I couldn't imagine making double and driving a brand new car and my SO driving a 10 year old car that is falling apart. That's terrible IMO.

I know in my relationship we have separate bank accounts. He pays X bills and I pay X bills. He has a car note right now so I pay a few extra things. When his car is paid off I will be getting a new car and he will pick up more of the bills. If my car breaks down and I'm short a few bucks he will hand over whatever I need. Same with me. That goes for anything. We are not stubborn with our money or have this "well I paid for that so you pay for this next time" mentality. We don't work that way. We both have savings accounts and 401K's. We both know what the other puts into the accounts and are the beneficiaries for each others accounts. It's just that our money is held in two separate accounts. There's no tic for tac or any of that. It's not what people seem to think it is.

I've witnessed too many women (and men) get screwed with joint accounts. Heck we've seen them on the Dis. "My husband (or wife) had a midlife crisis/cheated/is losing his mind and decided he doesn't want to be married. He cleaned out the checking accounts and I have no access to cash." I have two kids that aren't my SO's. They depend on me. If something were to ever happen I need to be able to support my children on my own. I can't risk a joint bank account. It's not in my best interest. I sleep better at night knowing I have that cushion in my life.

 

[cruiser21]

The gender has nothing to do with anything. I'm a man and I'm siding with the OP who is a female. If the OP was a man and a similar story, I would side with him. If household expenses are paid and nobody is struggling, people can use their own paychecks to do whatever floats their boat.

Agreed. My dh and I have had separate checking accounts for years. We make roughly the same give or take few thousand. We don't tell each other how to spend our disposable income.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I know my marriage couldn’t survive that first scenario, nor would I be able to treat my wife like that and still sleep at night.

The 2nd is yet another variable. At the very point in our marriage where DW was bringing in the highest % of our household income that she ever has (roughly 45%), I lost my job. I actually had a chance to retain my job, but it meant moving. Obviously, DW would have had to leave her job and there’s no guarantee she ever would have recouped her status & income in a new place.

I would imagine the separation of finances would get very tricky under such circumstances. At the very least, were I the one giving up my job so we could move for hers, I’d be renegotiating my deal!!

If my SO were to lose his job I would cover everything until he got back on his feet. We are a team.....our money just happens to be in two separate places. If I made double what he made (we make about the same give or take 3-5K) I would cover more bills. Neither one of us struggles while the other is living it up.

ETA: I just refuse to give anyone half of my 401K or half of my savings if we break up/divorce. That's where I draw the line. lol

 

[Gumbo4x4]

If my SO were to lose his job I would cover everything until he got back on his feet. We are a team.....our money just happens to be in two separate places. If I made double what he made (we make about the same give or take 3-5K) I would cover more bills. Neither one of us struggles while the other is living it up.

ETA: I just refuse to give anyone half of my 401K or half of my savings if we break up/divorce. That's where I draw the line. lol

That’s reasonable

 

[cruiser21]

This thread reminds of the threads where people tell it other how they should parent their children. Every marriage is different, every family is different. I think you have to do what works best for your marriage. If that's joint accounts or separate accounts it doesn't really matter. It's always strange to to me that certain people always think that there way is the only way.

 

[Skippy918]

We have joint finances. We got married young and didn’t have much in our own names so it made sense for us to combine. Our incomes have been relatively similar for the most part, but currently I am the breadwinner. I also carry all the insurance and the 401ks are in my name since he is a business owner. We discuss large purchases especially if they are not necessary. He wants one of those drone toys, but I already told him no. The good ones are not cheap and I don’t see the value in buying one. We have some other higher priority purchases that need to be made first.

 

[gillep]

I know my marriage couldn’t survive that first scenario, nor would I be able to treat my wife like that and still sleep at night.

The 2nd is yet another variable. At the very point in our marriage where DW was bringing in the highest % of our household income that she ever has (roughly 45%), I lost my job. I actually had a chance to retain my job, but it meant moving. Obviously, DW would have had to leave her job and there’s no guarantee she ever would have recouped her status & income in a new place.

I would imagine the separation of finances would get very tricky under such circumstances. At the very least, were I the one giving up my job so we could move for hers, I’d be renegotiating my deal!!

DH and I have gone through many of these things all keeping separate finances and it was seamless. DH had a great job while I was going to grad school, he basically paid all of the bills except for the groceries until I was done because I was making practically nothing. Once I got a raise based on my new degree we reassessed the bills and I took on more. When one of us gets a large raise we look at the division again to make sure it makes sense, when we consolidated and refinanced our mortgage we reassessed. We are 100% a team, and deal with financial issues together. DH ends up with a bit more disposable money each month, but he also has a really expensive hobby that I don't. He is always encouraging me to take up another hobby, despite the fact that I have no desire, and I am confident that we would figure out a way to make it work financially, even if it meant him taking over one of my bills and reducing his disposable money each month. I don't feel like things need to be exactly equal for them to be fair. We both enjoy a good lifestyle, if one of us had an issue we would discuss it.

We have moved 3 times for jobs, 2 times for DH's job and 1 time for my job (even though I was earning about 1/3 of what he was, he still 100% supported my career advancement and the move that required) we figured it out financially as we always have, while still retaining separate accounts and finances.

If we ever have kids we will reassess our division of payments, if I decide to stop working we will reassess (I can't imagine my DH ever not wanting to work, but if he chose to I would support him, and we would make it work), if one of us gets sick we will reassess and do everything possible to take care of the other even if that means one of us shouldering all of the finances indefinitely.

I know that my husband values my contribution to the household and that money is only a small portion of the big picture. I still have no issue with him choosing to spend his bonus on himself, but I am also with someone who I know values my opinion and respects and admires me, so him wanting to spend his bonus on himself is an outlier, because he usually wants to treat me/us to something we will both enjoy.

 

[robinb]

ETA: I just refuse to give anyone half of my 401K or half of my savings if we break up/divorce. That's where I draw the line. lol

If you lived in certain states (Texas, Arizona, California, Utah, Nevada, Idaho, Louisiana, Washington and Wisconsin) you wouldn't have a choice about splitting your 401k earned during the marriage.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

If you lived in certain states (Texas, Arizona, California, Utah, Nevada, Idaho, Louisiana, Washington and Wisconsin) you wouldn't have a choice about splitting your 401k earned during the marriage.

And this is one of the biggest reasons I won't get married. We live in blissful 'sin.'

ETA: Even though my mom wants me to get married so my soul doesn't burn in heck for all eternity.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

DH and I have gone through many of these things all keeping separate finances and it was seamless. DH had a great job while I was going to grad school, he basically paid all of the bills except for the groceries until I was done because I was making practically nothing. Once I got a raise based on my new degree we reassessed the bills and I took on more. When one of us gets a large raise we look at the division again to make sure it makes sense, when we consolidated and refinanced our mortgage we reassessed. We are 100% a team, and deal with financial issues together. DH ends up with a bit more disposable money each month, but he also has a really expensive hobby that I don't. He is always encouraging me to take up another hobby, despite the fact that I have no desire, and I am confident that we would figure out a way to make it work financially, even if it meant him taking over one of my bills and reducing his disposable money each month. I don't feel like things need to be exactly equal for them to be fair. We both enjoy a good lifestyle, if one of us had an issue we would discuss it.

We have moved 3 times for jobs, 2 times for DH's job and 1 time for my job (even though I was earning about 1/3 of what he was, he still 100% supported my career advancement and the move that required) we figured it out financially as we always have, while still retaining separate accounts and finances.

If we ever have kids we will reassess our division of payments, if I decide to stop working we will reassess (I can't imagine my DH ever not wanting to work, but if he chose to I would support him, and we would make it work), if one of us gets sick we will reassess and do everything possible to take care of the other even if that means one of us shouldering all of the finances indefinitely.

I know that my husband values my contribution to the household and that money is only a small portion of the big picture. I still have no issue with him choosing to spend his bonus on himself, but I am also with someone who I know values my opinion and respects and admires me, so him wanting to spend his bonus on himself is an outlier, because he usually wants to treat me/us to something we will both enjoy.

Not how I’d do it, but it seems a reasonable approach. In the end, you have to be a team and as a team, you have to appproach “life happens” moments as they come and not stick to some rigid plan set in place before you wed.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

And this is one of the biggest reasons I won't get married. We live in blissful 'sin.'

ETA: Even though my mom wants me to get married so my soul doesn't burn in heck for all eternity.