Its been awhile.....I have a dilemma (loong!) UPDATE

[Christine]

I've read this time and time again on this board--so many women get out of a marriage and are, very quickly, too serious with a new relationship. You've been married awhile, had four kids, and then had a bad marriage to boot. You need to step back for awhile from anything serious.

So, you met a great guy 3 months ago and you and he have already discussed children? Wow. Too fast.

Second, this new guy doesn't sound at any level equipped to deal with a previously married woman. As long as you have your four kids, your ex will be a part of your life. I don't think he can deal with it.

Last, your ex is trouble (as you know). I don't have any advice on how to deal with his need to own you. You can't really cut off contact with him because of your kids but, honestly, his behavior is bordering on scary and I think you need to tell someone officially.

 

[shortbun]

I think the new guy has too many negatives-he wants kids, you've had yours/your ex is crazy, he can't deal/he keeps breaking up with you -that's a bad sign. If he were in love, he'd move mountains to be with you.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Well, my response may not be what you want to hear, and may not be popular in general with readers, here's my .02

I think you need to focus on being a great Mom and take time to get your life in order. (ie- EX). As a man, I wouldn't want to risk getting involved with a woman that still has issues with her ex - and he's a nutcase to boot!

I wouldn't recommend you date until you've got your life with you and your children on solid ground.

Good Luck.

I agree with this.

I also believe you should document your ex's actions & get a restraining order. What he did is unacceptable.

I also believe that three months is not enough time to start planning a future with someone. There might be people who'd disagree with me and say that a short courtship worked for them. But, you really don't know someone until you have hit real life issues (the downs in life as well as the ups), and three months is still courtship time.

My opinion, of course.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

Well, my response may not be what you want to hear, and may not be popular in general with readers, here's my .02

I think you need to focus on being a great Mom and take time to get your life in order. (ie- EX). As a man, I wouldn't want to risk getting involved with a woman that still has issues with her ex - and he's a nutcase to boot!

I wouldn't recommend you date until you've got your life with you and your children on solid ground.

Good Luck.

I agree. You started dating a new guy and you're not even officially divorced yet?? You need some time to be with your children, and find out who you are as a single woman. Discussing kids, or even the potential of kids with another person while you're still married (I understand you've been apart w/your soon to be DH for awhile, but still) is crazy. Not a good role model for your children, IMO.

Slow down, dump both guys and be single for awhile.

 

[Disney Doll]

My observations:

~For the last year and a half or so, your life and your childrens' lives have been in turmoil due to your marital situation. I am sure you have tried to minimize their turmoil as much as possible, but it is still there.

~You are not yet legally divorced, yet you have a boyfriend that you have had for 3 months and are discussing children!

~This very premature discussion about children with your very new boyfriend elicits information that he wants children. You, on the other hand, do not want children because you already have 4.

~You have a crazy ex.

I hate to tell you, but if you were a man that I was dating and I sat down and thought about all this, I'd break up with you too. Too much baggage, drama, "stuff" happening.

Take some time to let everything settle down, let your kids adjust, let yourself adjust.

As far as the ex is concerned, I'd start documenting and recording this bad behavior, and then go to the police with it to see what your options are.

 

[handinpocket]

My observations:

~For the last year and a half or so, your life and your childrens' lives have been in turmoil due to your marital situation. I am sure you have tried to minimize their turmoil as much as possible, but it is still there.

~You are not yet legally divorced, yet you have a boyfriend that you have had for 3 months and are discussing children!

~This very premature discussion about children with your very new boyfriend elicits information that he wants children. You, on the other hand, do not want children because you already have 4.

~You have a crazy ex.

I hate to tell you, but if you were a man that I was dating and I sat down and thought about all this, I'd break up with you too. Too much baggage, drama, "stuff" happening.

Take some time to let everything settle down, let your kids adjust, let yourself adjust.

As far as the ex is concerned, I'd start documenting and recording this bad behavior, and then go to the police with it to see what your options are.

I would think this would be the train of thought for most normal people. The relationship is doomed. Best for the OP to concentrate on her kids.

 

[lovesmurfs]

You've gotten some really great advice. I don't think the BF is ready to commit to a ready-made family, though.

If I understood correctly, he was drinking while he had the kids. I would definitely second PP's issue of his being drunk while your children were there -- it's horribly unsafe. This would be a concern I'd mention to your lawyer. I think that you can include a statement that he cannot drink while the kids are in his care.

 

[rie'smom]

You need someone who will stick by you through thick and thin and new guy is not that man.
When the right man does come along, he'll help you to deal with your whacko ex.

 

[DizBelle]

I agree with this.

I also believe you should document your ex's actions & get a restraining order. What he did is unacceptable.

I also believe that three months is not enough time to start planning a future with someone. There might be people who'd disagree with me and say that a short courtship worked for them. But, you really don't know someone until you have hit real life issues (the downs in life as well as the ups), and three months is still courtship time.

My opinion, of course.

1 - The divorce may not be final but the marriage was over a long time ago
2 - at 39, 3 months is plenty of time to start talking "serious". At 39, you need to determine fairly quickly if you're going to "move in" or "move on".
3 - If the guy didn't run on day 1 when she told him she had 4 kids and tied tubes, there's probably pretty good potential for a relationship. A crazy ex would spook anyone and make you think. He though about it and came back. This tells me that he probably really wants to be with her. He's just trying to figure out how to deal with the ex.

Hopefully the ex will cool off and move on with his life and leave OP alone.

 

[Bren's Mom]

If I understood correctly, he was drinking while he had the kids. I would definitely second PP's issue of his being drunk while your children were there -- it's horribly unsafe. This would be a concern I'd mention to your lawyer. I think that you can include a statement that he cannot drink while the kids are in his care.

Thank you...as I was reading all of the posts I was shocked no one had mentioned this yet. If my husband had the kids and called me drunk you can bet that I'd be sending the cops over there immediately to confirm that my kids were ok. If they found a parent at home alone with young kids and drunk they'd be obligated to make a CPS report. AND I would speak to my attorney about it.

And I think you're moving too quickly with this guy. You should not be dating yet, imo. You need time to heal, and for your kids to heal first.

 

[wvjules]

Well, my response may not be what you want to hear, and may not be popular in general with readers, here's my .02

I think you need to focus on being a great Mom and take time to get your life in order. (ie- EX). As a man, I wouldn't want to risk getting involved with a woman that still has issues with her ex - and he's a nutcase to boot!

I wouldn't recommend you date until you've got your life with you and your children on solid ground.

Good Luck.

I've read this time and time again on this board--so many women get out of a marriage and are, very quickly, too serious with a new relationship. You've been married awhile, had four kids, and then had a bad marriage to boot. You need to step back for awhile from anything serious.

So, you met a great guy 3 months ago and you and he have already discussed children? Wow. Too fast.

Second, this new guy doesn't sound at any level equipped to deal with a previously married woman. As long as you have your four kids, your ex will be a part of your life. I don't think he can deal with it.

Last, your ex is trouble (as you know). I don't have any advice on how to deal with his need to own you. You can't really cut off contact with him because of your kids but, honestly, his behavior is bordering on scary and I think you need to tell someone officially.

I agree. You started dating a new guy and you're not even officially divorced yet?? You need some time to be with your children, and find out who you are as a single woman. Discussing kids, or even the potential of kids with another person while you're still married (I understand you've been apart w/your soon to be DH for awhile, but still) is crazy. Not a good role model for your children, IMO.

Slow down, dump both guys and be single for awhile.

My observations:

~For the last year and a half or so, your life and your childrens' lives have been in turmoil due to your marital situation. I am sure you have tried to minimize their turmoil as much as possible, but it is still there.

~You are not yet legally divorced, yet you have a boyfriend that you have had for 3 months and are discussing children!

~This very premature discussion about children with your very new boyfriend elicits information that he wants children. You, on the other hand, do not want children because you already have 4.

~You have a crazy ex.

I hate to tell you, but if you were a man that I was dating and I sat down and thought about all this, I'd break up with you too. Too much baggage, drama, "stuff" happening.

Take some time to let everything settle down, let your kids adjust, let yourself adjust.

As far as the ex is concerned, I'd start documenting and recording this bad behavior, and then go to the police with it to see what your options are.

I would think this would be the train of thought for most normal people. The relationship is doomed. Best for the OP to concentrate on her kids.

What they said!

 

[hippiemama76]

my ex . . . has mood swings where 1 minute he is cursing me out and the next he is crying,

he found out about my new guy and went to his house (said he googled him) and threatened him

he had the girls. He was drunk

For decreasing some of the drama, I would definitely see a lawyer about adjusting the custody arrangement. This doesn't sound like someone who is a good choice for the kids to be around.

In addition, a big 'yeah, that' to wvjules.

 

[wdwfan16]

Your BF has never married by the age of 39. I think he just showed why?

Are you the kind of person who has to have a man on your arm to feel complete? How long were you married.

Also being that you are not divorced you should not be on the hunt.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Well, my response may not be what you want to hear, and may not be popular in general with readers, here's my .02

I think you need to focus on being a great Mom and take time to get your life in order. (ie- EX). As a man, I wouldn't want to risk getting involved with a woman that still has issues with her ex - and he's a nutcase to boot!

I wouldn't recommend you date until you've got your life with you and your children on solid ground.

Good Luck.

I was thinking the exact same thing. It also bothers me your ex called you drunk when he had the kids. I think some visitation changes need to be made.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I was upfront about both issues from day 1 with him and asked if he wanted to continue on with me. He said yes.

Sometimes someone thinks they can handle something and are ok with it until they are actually knee deep in water and realize it's a little too wet for their tastes kwim?

He may have been happy enough at first to over look those things and then it sunk in that you aren't having more kids and it does bother him more than he first thought. Maybe he was fine with you having an ex but not an ex that is crazy and harasses him.

I really can't fault the guy and I think after 2 tries of making it work and him backing off again it's time to move on.

I think your ex needs to chill out.

 

[Disney Ella]

I would have a frank conversation with the ex and tell him if this behavior continues, you will have no choice but to pursue charges against him. I know you said that the police said you can't get a restraining order, but someone mentioned stalking and even if you really can't get a restraining order, your ex may not know that. If he is still teaching, I would think he really wouldn't want to end up in the newspaper because of his actions. I might point that out too.

He is the one who choose to have affairs when you were married. If the relationship was so important to him, then obviously that is something he wouldn't have done, especially when you relocated far from your family for a job for him. He is the one who caused this situation and now he needs to let you live your life. After everything he has done, I think he owes you some peace.

 

[Andy B]

I am surprised that a number of people have said the new BF is not right so dump him, after all it has only been 3 months since you went on the dating site and if you don't tell your children execpt for the oldest you cannot expect the committment of him at this early stage if you are equally reserved.

 

[NHMom4]

Bi-polar disorder comes to mind for your ex. Something is going on even if it isn't that per say. As for new guy. If he wants kids and you can't it is a deal breaker. I have seen it 3 times and it has never worked out. Someone always is a little bitter and in the end it is divorce.

 

[tiff211]

I agree. You started dating a new guy and you're not even officially divorced yet?? You need some time to be with your children, and find out who you are as a single woman. Discussing kids, or even the potential of kids with another person while you're still married (I understand you've been apart w/your soon to be DH for awhile, but still) is crazy. Not a good role model for your children, IMO.

Slow down, dump both guys and be single for awhile.

If my ex hadn't been using every possible stall tactic, I would be divorced now. I decided to started dating after telling my ex that he could do whatever and hold on the the piece of paper, I was moving on with my life and since I had kids, marriage was not a necessity for me again so that would be the only thing that not getting divorced would stop me from doing. Shortly after, he cooperated.

Its not like me and the new guy were talking specifically about US having kids, it came up in conversation as I was mentioning my posse (what I call my girls), he said wow, you have a crew, do you see yourself having anyore. At that point I explained it was not an option since i had my tubes tied. Thats when I asked if that was a dealbreaker for him.

As far as my children, They do not know about my personal life like that.

 

[tiff211]

I would have a frank conversation with the ex and tell him if this behavior continues, you will have no choice but to pursue charges against him. I know you said that the police said you can't get a restraining order, but someone mentioned stalking and even if you really can't get a restraining order, your ex may not know that. If he is still teaching, I would think he really wouldn't want to end up in the newspaper because of his actions. I might point that out too.

He is the one who choose to have affairs when you were married. If the relationship was so important to him, then obviously that is something he wouldn't have done, especially when you relocated far from your family for a job for him. He is the one who caused this situation and now he needs to let you live your life. After everything he has done, I think he owes you some peace.

This is what I told him exactly. I even threatened to send an email to the principal of his school naming the teachers and parents he had affairs with. The police said I can call them whenever he does anything crazy like he did and once there was enough documentation, I could file something.