Is it wrong to spank your child?

[Tigger&Belle]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

By the time a child did something like steal or start a fire they would more than likely be too old to spank. In that case the child's problems are a whole lot more serious than a swat on the tush would take care of.

I'll have to reread the threads, but I do NOT think that most people who are not totally opposed to spanking think that spanking is the first line of defense. For most it's either one of several strategies or the last line of defense.

T&B

 

[gr8tpanther]

I was spanked as were my kids, nothing wrong with it, in fact.... my DD got into some trouble and had to call the cops, well, she physically attacked my mother and they wouldn't do anything, know what the cop told me to do????????? Beat her (insert another word for donkey here!) I said "but isn't that ILLEGAL?" HE SAID... "just don't leave marks." My daughter is 12 and spanking is long gone for her. So anyways... spanking is ok when needed, but there is an age that they are really too old for it and it doesn't do any good anymore.

 

[lil mermaid]

I can relate to how you feel. At that age I could never imagine doing anything other that smiling and hugging my children, which I still do mutiple times a day. But please understand, when I have spanked my children I do it out of love and respect for them. I want them to know what's ok and what's not. They have been spanked 4 or 5 times their entire lives and I would say that is a total between the 2 of them. Sure there are other methods that I use on a daily basis but sometimes spanking is more effective than time out when a lesson really needs to be taught. BTW, your DD is beautiful.

Thank you for the compliment on DD. Your children are beautiful, too!

I don't believe that my feelings about hitting will change when my daughter is older and less cute and cuddly. I just can't see myself hitting her - I don't have it in me. The PP who mentioned that she slapped her daughter across the face - I could never disrespect my daughter or anyone else for that matter, in that way. (Note: I am NOT saying that is what you do, I don't put a swat on the bottom in the same category as slamming a hand into someone's face.)

At the same time, I don't think that spanking makes someone a bad parent just because I don't chose it.

 

[ElizK]

I found that a spanking for my older DD was very damaging to her very sensitive nature. We stopped spanking her. Never needed to, because a time-out or lecture(we're talking about a 2-3yr old here) worked better for her.

Then DD#2 came along. Sigh. She wanted to push all my buttons. Couldn't have cared less about a time-out, and certainly had no use for a lecture. A swat on her rump, along with a clear understanding of why she got that, worked well for her.

Each child is different. What works well for one child may not work at all for another. While abuse is NEVER ok, a swat on the rear with a hand is not abuse, and is sometimes the best way to get the message across.

 

[sadeeyore]

I don't smack my children.
I have two boys, oldest is 14, youngest is 9. Youngest DS has autism and he really wouldn't understand if I smacked him. He would just think I was hitting him and wouldn't think it was because he was being naughty.

Smacking isn't illegal in the Uk. It was decided here that parents could smack their children, but not to use undue force.

The earlier posts in this thread that had discussed where a father was arrested for smacking his son, by an off duty police man. If this is the case in Manchester UK, the father was seen to smack his child really hard. Witnesses said the man hit the child so hard the child raised into the air. The father pleaded guilty to Common assault.

Although I don't smack my boys, I can understand why others do. I really think it depends how it is done and how hard.

 

[birdiesunshine]

I've never spanked DD. I don't feel that hitting someone makes them listen or respect you. JMHO

 

[Aidensmom]

Studies have shown that strong will kids are less likely to use drugs etc due to pier pressure. So all parents, be prowd of your kids, they maybe harder to raise now, but they will cause you less sleepless nights as teens.

Thanks for that encouragement .

 

[Aidensmom]

What it is like, in one word: EXHAUSTING!

The pediatrician calls them "spirited" children (after the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka). It is a good book and yes, they are spirited, but they are also strong-willed, stubborn & incorrigible!

This is my son almost 24/7: or . We call him Tigger sometimes!

I had never heard of this book, have you read it? Does it help? I think I'll have to check it out.

 

[KristiKelly]

Where's my OMG I have to watch some loony frazzled parent smack her kid again in front of everyone while at Disney, at Walmart, at the restaurant. Whatever

The worst is that you guys are actually PROUD you hit your kids.

I guess you must be speaking to me.

Yes, I did pop DD on the bottom 3 times in the WalMart parking lot a few years ago. I had a cart full of things and dragging something else with my other hand walking to the car. I asked DS to hold onto my shirt with 1 hand and hold DD's hand while we crossed over to the parking lot. DD (2 at the time) took off running & screaming "I don't want to hold his hand", cars slammed on breaks to keep from hitting her. Yes, I dropped everything, grabbed her by the arm and gave her 3 swift pops on the butt. Did I beat her? No! But I did get my point across at a time when & where a time out was not going to work. She has never done that again and is out in the backyard as we speak, skipping and singing happily in her swimsuit as she plays in the sprinkler. I don't think she was overly traumatized from the experience. Oh and at the time, our preacher's wife was standing there and watched the whole thing. She was in total disbelief that my mild mannered child had just done that and understood completely about my reaction.

I think it's wonderful that you have children that have never warranted a pop or 2. I don't enjoy doing it but sometimes it is necessary for some of us.

 

[disykat]

I am one of the people who voted that spanking is never okay. Now admittedly, DD is only 13 months old so we haven't run into much trouble yet. At this point, if I tell her no, she will listen to me.

I just can't see myself ever hitting her, for any reason. Hopefully I will be able to find other methods of discipline as other posters here have.

It was at the toddler stage when I DID "spank" my children. When their little hands were reaching for the stove, I'd tap thier hand and say "no,no". IMO that's what spanking is about. A physical deterent. It's not about the pain - IMO a spanking shouldn't hurt. It's about getting them to focus, pinpoint the misbehavior, and change it - something that can be difficult during the toddler years.

 

[poohkinandpiglet]

I took a parenting class and had to read a book called:

Liberated Parents Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

This book is a great tool for getting thru some of the common struggles we face as parents while promoting self-esteem and independence . It's an easy to read, funny account of life with children. I recommend it for parents, teachers or anyone else that works with children.

 

[Aidensmom]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

When we spank, it is usually because he has hurt someone, namely me or my DH. As for stealing something, we have already dealt with that: After we got home from church one week, he pulled a toy out of his pocket that he had taken from his Sunday School class. I took the toy away, explained that it was not right to take something that did not belong to him, and the next week he had to personally return it to the teacher and apologize. I think he learned his lesson - now every week he shows me there is nothing in his pockets when we are leaving.

I am open to suggestions on what to do besides spanking. However, you have to realize I have a very strong-willed, stubborn child, and he may not respond the same as children who do not have that type of personality. We do timeout, I have taken away priveledges, and I have taken away so many favorite toys that at one point I had the entire contents of his toy box in my closet. Most of the time these things are effective, but there are times when he just is being stubborn and doesn't care. At that point, what are the other means of discipline people use?

 

[poohandwendy]

Your question assumes that a spanking is the worst form of punishment that you can give to a child. I don't believe it is! Ask a 5 year old if they would rather have a spanking or be made to sit on their bed for a few hours and a lot of them would choose the spanking!
I just asked my 12 year old, Alison would you rather get spanked (and no we don't spank her anymore!) or grounded for a day and she said "spanked no question"

So much of this is dependent on a persons' history, upbringing etc etc. If you were abused or beaten as a child it is a VERY VERY big deal. It is almost inconceivable for a person who has been through that to understand that a quick swat on the butt is NOT really a big deal at all in some households.

I think it is very effective in some situations when used appropriately and done in an appropriate manner. Do a google search on spanking studies and you will find the results are absolutely inconclusive with as many studies saying it works as say it doesn't. I don't think anyone has the right to post statements like "it doesn't work" or "it's harmful" unless you have proof to back it up. It may be your opinion but I don't see where that is helpful to state your opinion as a fact

Well said Alex, ITA. There are so many variables here.

Someone mentioned the legal issue of spanking. I think people think that making it illegal is somehow going to help keep children safe from abuse. I don't think so, those who hit in a fit of rage and/or 'beat' their children are not going to be deterred by spanking laws. It is already illegal to abuse your kids and that doesn't stop them.

 

[ktink]

It was at the toddler stage when I DID "spank" my children. When their little hands were reaching for the stove, I'd tap thier hand and say "no,no". IMO that's what spanking is about. A physical deterent. It's not about the pain - IMO a spanking shouldn't hurt. It's about getting them to focus, pinpoint the misbehavior, and change it - something that can be difficult during the toddler years.

That is the whole point. In fact, my MIL told me a while back that my oldest DD told her that she had gotten a spanking and MIL asked if it hurt and DD told her no. When we spank them it isn't like we are trying to hurt them or advocate violence in any form. In fact, they are tapped lightly on the bottom and might I add that they are talked to before they are spanked to let them know this is what you did wrong. They have never cried before or after a spanking. My intention isn't to make them cry but to only get a point across. In fact we are always very calm and they know that when they are spanked that we are disappointed in their actions and that's what seems to work with them.

 

[chadfromdallas]

It's not about the pain - IMO a spanking shouldn't hurt.

I think my dad missed the meeting on spanking not meant to hurt back when I was a kid

I remember he used to ask me if it hurt and I'd be a little smart*** and say no.....so WHOMP! he'd swing the belt again

 

[poohandwendy]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

I don't know anyone who uses spanking as a regular form of discipline. And I don't know anyone who would say that spanking is the only thing that works with their children.

Most people would say that specific behaviors require a harsher punishment or that spanking works when other things are not getting through...but not that spanking is the only tool that they use.

I think it is odd that people can't seem to wrap their mind around the idea that spanking is very rarely the only and/or first disciplinary tool being used.

 

[sunni]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

I don't think many (if any) here use spanking as a "regular" form of discipline, but they have found it necessary at times or effective for the particular infraction. And I can't think of one person that said "spanking is all that works". I feel this was exaggerated in your post.

With DS I used to make the punishment fit the crime. If he threw a toy, he lost that one and another. Sometimes that would work. If behavior like that continued he might eventually lose a roomful of toys, but he would get madder and madder vs other children that would say "gee, I need to behave or I'll be unhappy with no toys". If he continued or became abusive, verbally or physically, next was time-out. If he refused... well see a previous post of mine... then it might lead to spanking, but it was NOT a first resort. Spanking was for being continuing to be willfully defiant, for the "no, you can't make me do anything, I'll show you!" behavior. As he grew older there were ways to punish him that were more effective (take away GameCube, skateboard, etc) because he developed interests, but as a younger child it wouldn't matter if you took away everything... he is very creative and only needed a pencil and paper to be happy. Since drawing and jigsaw puzzles were about the only thing he would sit still a long period for, there was no way I would take them away. Plus I don't believe in taking away books or pencils and paper, just like others don't believe in spanking (I'm very serious).

 

[sunni]

At that point, what are the other means of discipline people use?

I'd be surprised if you get an answer. I think you've asked already and so have I.

 

[disneymom3]

Where's my OMG I have to watch some loony frazzled parent smack her kid again in front of everyone while at Disney, at Walmart, at the restaurant. Whatever

The worst is that you guys are actually PROUD you hit your kids.

In my opinion the worst part is that you are being judgemental and incredibly rude to people you don't even know. Check the poll results--there are a lot of us terrrible parents out there. Get a grip. What works for some may not work for others. (And that means children.) My oldest child, look at her sideways and she cries, my youngest there are times nothing else will get through to him. That said he has been spanked 4 times in his life.

 

[disneymom3]

I took a parenting class and had to read a book called:

Liberated Parents Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

This book is a great tool for getting thru some of the common struggles we face as parents while promoting self-esteem and independence . It's an easy to read, funny account of life with children. I recommend it for parents, teachers or anyone else that works with children.

I have read that book. But I have also read Your Strong Willed Child. Let me tell ya, none of the Faber stuff worked with a very strong willed unreasonable 3 year old.

Shortbun, to answer your question, for bigger issues I am going on the assumption that the child is going to be older. If my 3 yo is starting fires I have obviously fallen down on the job--probably literally. I don't spank my older kids. Personally when I think about spanking working it is being used when for instance losing priveledges would work with an older child. For instance, DD 9 would never be spanked but she would lose TV for a week. The three year old wouldn't get that. I am also going on the assumption that if I do my job right now, I will not have to deal with the really "Bad" stuff later.