Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[pryncess527]

Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised this has been allowed to continue to this point?

Despite how civil I think it has been overall, I was surprised it was unlocked when I logged in this morning

 

[Westcoastwild]

Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised this has been allowed to continue to this point?

I'm surprised it was not shut down originally. It's the kind of thread that is just doomed to end badly.

 

[Magpie]

So in your opinion, every affair (and btw, affairs can be much more than "keeping your pants zipped") starts with the full intention of going out and finding someone to cheat with? All cheaters are habitual cheaters? Never at any time the history of affairs have any started innocently with work, or friendship (which no one said anyone couldn't have a friend of the opposite gender)?

I can't answer for others that say they have an "agreement" but it sounds like for most that have said it, its more of a decision than an agreement. As in: I make the decision for me, my spouse makes the decision for himself. And as everyone has said, its not about trust.

Affairs do not start "innocently". There is always a point at which you realize this has become more than a friendship, and that's the point at which you have the option of saying, "Whoa, baby, I'm putting the brakes on this!" or of saying, "Imma just let my libido be my guide! Woot!"

If you choose the second, that's on you. It doesn't matter if it's your first time. And it doesn't matter if you didn't shake hands with this person on your first day of work and think, "I'm totally doing this person!" It doesn't even matter if you didn't realize how badly on the rocks your relationship was before you embarked on this affair. You still made that choice. This relationship, in some way, is filling a need that's not being met in your marriage.

Wouldn't it have been nice if you could have sorted that out before you cheated?

Anyway, as I said before, it can make sense to avoid being alone with certain individuals you find personally tempting, especially if they have indicated particular interest in you as well. Ultimately, this is always about the individual.

I don't know about you, but I am most certainly NOT sexually attracted to every human being with a set of XY chromosomes. And of the small subset of XY human beings that I do find delightfully attractive, as a happily married woman I am quite capable of maintaining an appropriate emotional and romantic distance between us. Even over lunch. Even if they're serving oysters!

I expect you are much the same. If we cheat on our spouses, it's not because we've spent too much time talking to members of the opposite sex. It's because we made the choice to let a particular friendship before more. So, it makes no sense at all to avoid being friendly with half the human race, just because you're afraid you might unexpectedly find yourself experiencing an uncontrollable desire to have sex with them. Your choices and your actions are always within your own control.

For that matter, I have friends who smoke. I have friends who drink. I do neither, and I have no desire to start. Does this mean I should avoid hanging out with my friends when they're smoking or drinking? Of course not! For me, there's nothing tempting about what they're doing. If I was a recovering alcoholic or nicotine addict, that might be a different issue, but I'm not. While I fully respect the right of others to say, "I can't be around smokers/drinkers!" I'm not going to live by their rules. I don't need to. And I'd be most irritable if that person then told me that it was in my nature to drink or smoke, and the attraction of cigarettes and booze was "dangerous", and that I'm willfully ignoring how easy it is to "slip" and that if I don't want to drink or smoke I should avoid any situation where I could easily get a drink or a cigarette. (Aw... no more backyard BBQs! )

 

[amberpi]

Despite how civil I think it has been overall, I was surprised it was unlocked when I logged in this morning

I'm not faulting anyone, but I'm definitely surprised. (edited for typo, but I think ya'll understood)

 

[Magpie]

I'm faulting anyone, but I'm definitely surprised.

I was expecting locking and points (to me, of course!) back when we first started mentioning religion and politics.

Could still happen!

 

[amberpi]

I was expecting locking and points (to me, of course!) back when we first started mentioning religion and politics.

Could still happen!

I thought that was why it was against the rules, but folks have been respectful, so perhaps that allows it? I'll figure it out one day

 

[Squirlz]

Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised this has been allowed to continue to this point?

Maybe the mods are just having a good laugh. I know I am.

 

[pryncess527]

I thought that was why it was against the rules, but folks have been respectful, so perhaps that allows it? I'll figure it out one day

Yeah, my understanding is that politics and religion can come up in a general sense, we just can't debate details. No one has really pushed on either subject, though clearly religion is at the heart of this choice for many, and politics is central to the distastes for others.

 

[amberpi]

Maybe the mods are just having a good laugh. I know I am.

You get me.

 

[Squirlz]

You get me.

Wanna go to lunch?

 

[Magpie]

Wanna go to lunch?

Hey now, hold your horses there, kids! Do you have a chaperone?

 

[amberpi]

Wanna go to lunch?

Lol...let me ask my cat...

He said it was cool but for us to use uber if we get wrecked.

 

[DopeyDame]

So here's my really burning question:

Who or what is
RIDISN

 

[NFLDERS]

So here's my really burning question:

Who or what is
RIDISN

If my aging memory serves me right. He is a man whose wife did have an affair, they divorced, and the last I recall him posting here was, his heartache, then re-entry into the dating scene, and the tremendous support we Disers gave him.

 

[AlaskaMomof2]

So noI wouldn't have a problem, generally. Like another poster said my DH travels a lot for work, can be 4 months a year totalled, he is in a male dominated industry but sometimes he will be grabbing lunch or dinner with workmates or customers, sometimes in groups, sometimes one on one, he has given me no reason not to trust him and it would not do my mental Heath well to be worried for no reason every time he is away (and he works from home when he is not away).

However he told me about one female coworker who came into him one trip, invited him back to her room and said she didn't care he was married, he called me from his room to tell me, needless to say I wouldn't be happy if he was having one on one lunches with her-again not because I don't trust him but because her behaviour crossed the line.

When I was working (I'm a SAHM) I became good friends with a male colleuge, we are still friends more than 10 years later, DH also sometimes joined us, I also still caught (and now as well) with an old friend from school for lunch sometimes, DH also sometimes joined us.

My motto is that if you have to sneak, hide or lie about something hen what you are doing isn't right whether it's drinking, gambling, eating or your relationship with someone outside of your spouse, so if you would be happy for your spouse to join you, be shown a tape of how you acted etc then you are probably fine, if you would be okay if they had that same sort of relationship with someone, then you are probably fine, but if you are lying about who you went to lunch with, or lying that there was other people there etc then you are crossing a line somewhere

Your scenario is similar to mine. I used to work as well but I am now a SAHM. When I did work, whenever there was a work gathering my husband was always included; he knew everyone I worked with. There was never anything to hide. The fact that he has left out his interactions with female coworkers and clients is definitely a bone of contention. And yes he too has let me know of a married coworker that has hit on him, never any room invite (as far I know) but she was extremely dismissive of me when I finally met her. She wasnt happy I was along for the trip. Her greeting hugs were just a tad too lingering. I sensed her attraction. He finally admitted yeah she's been tad flirty in the past and more of the story about her came out. Needless to say I was furious that he had never mentioned this in all his traveling with her. You're lucky your husband was forthright. That's where trust is established. Thank you did your response. It helps so much to talk about this all.

 

[mummabear]

Since I know I didn't do anything untoward to the gentleman, though, we can rule that one out.

I hope you didn't feel attacked, I meant hypothecially there were plenty of other reasons a man could be refusing lifts that were not about sex (had in your situation he not said as much)

It's because you're black and I'm white and it's inappropriate!"

My apologies @Magpie I forgot from your post he had specifically stated it was because you were female, and not just an assumption you had made.

 

[amberpi]

If my aging memory serves me right. He is a man whose wife did have an affair, they divorced, and the last I recall him posting here was, his heartache, then re-entry into the dating scene, and the tremendous support we Disers gave him.

Have times have changed...

 

[AlaskaMomof2]

I'm very sorry you are experiencing that. People do cheat, and sometimes it is with people they know through work. Nobody is denying that. I hope you are seeking help or therapy, as it is clear that you need some support. My best wishes to you.

I've contemplated counseling, both individually or as a couple. I can only imagine what a counselor would say to him. It wouldn't be pretty, as he still travels and still interacts with young single professional women. We have hashed out a lot of these issues but I still have found ongoing stupid lies of recent - denying certain girls are at a lunch. Flat out saying they weren't when they were. Of course I have seen the texts that confirm they were, and his reply..... "I know how sensitive you are about them, it was just lunch. I'm sorry I shouldn't have lied." So I just keep him aware of my disapproval and stay on him. Hopefully he will learn to trust my reaction.

Oh I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you and your husband can somehow find a way to regain the trust he broke.

Thank you! He is a good man, provider and father. Im still working on the trust. I think it wil be years before I stop the "checking" if ever.....

 

[Magpie]

I hope you didn't feel attacked, I meant hypothecially there were plenty of other reasons a man could be refusing lifts that were not about sex (had in your situation he not said as much)



My apologies @Magpie I forgot from your post he had specifically stated it was because you were female, and not just an assumption you had made.

No worries, I didn't feel in the slightest bit attacked, and I wasn't at all offended by anything you wrote. They were good questions, and really do have me wondering now if I did actually talk too much and fail to pony up for gas. In addition to being female!

 

[Magpie]

Have times have changed...

Have they? I'd think if someone's spouse cheated on them, we'd still support them through the divorce, the heartache and reentering the dating scene.

What's changed?