Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[amberpi]

Have they? I'd think if someone's spouse cheated on them, we'd still support them through the divorce, the heartache and reentering the dating scene.

What's changed?

I meant that if you're dating or ask questions about it on the dis. Support isn't something I'd recommend folks seek here.

 

[PlainJane]

I've contemplated counseling, both individually or as a couple. I can only imagine what a counselor would say to him. It wouldn't be pretty, as he still travels and still interacts with young single professional women. We have hashed out a lot of these issues but I still have found ongoing stupid lies of recent - denying certain girls are at a lunch. Flat out saying they weren't when they were. Of course I have seen the texts that confirm they were, and his reply..... "I know how sensitive you are about them, it was just lunch. I'm sorry I shouldn't have lied." So I just keep him aware of my disapproval and stay on him. Hopefully he will learn to trust my reaction.

Thank you! He is a good man, provider and father. Im still working on the trust. I think it wil be years before I stop the "checking" if ever.....

I hope if you seek out a couple's counselor he or she can help you and him move to a healthier place in your marriage. That he's still engaging in behavior that he is lying about is obviously bad. I don't think frequent liars fully understand the damage they do to their relationships. I completely understand why you are still checking because as of right now he's given you no reason to believe him, he's actually given you more reasons to mistrust him. I will say if you go to counseling be prepared to learn how you could also be a better spouse. Often the wronged spouse goes to counseling thinking it will be all about how much their husband/wife needs to change and are kind of unpleasantly surprised. Though, I would not keep going to a counselor who minimizes his behavior.

Disclaimer: I could be a better spouse, my husband could be a better spouse, anyone who is married could be a better spouse. I am not implying in any way that you are a bad spouse. It sounds like you deeply care about your family.

 

[Magpie]

I meant that if you're dating or ask questions about it on the dis. Support isn't something I'd recommend folks seek here.

Oh... right! I know what you're talking about!

I think it really depends. I think this particular gentlemen would likely find the same support here today as he did back then. The boards are the same, and the people are the same.

I actually quit this board for several years, back around 2001, because I found it too aggressive and nasty.

Two posters can have wildly different experiences here, for any number of reasons. But, you're also absolutely right - this is not a place I'd ever send someone looking for support.

You may find support here, but it's equally likely you'll find criticism and mockery.

 

[amberpi]

Oh... right! I know what you're talking about!

I think it really depends. I think this particular gentlemen would likely find the same support here today as he did back then. The boards are the same, and the people are the same.

Man being important probably.

 

[Magpie]

Man being important probably.

Not necessarily. Personalities, and combinations thereof, play a huge role.

Boards like this one are a popularity game, kind of like high school. (And I don't think you're doing all that badly, actually. )

 

[mummabear]

The funniest part of all this was that while they would make a huge fuss about males interacting with females in some aspects of my job (ie, the girls' tent was literally roped off), they were inconsistent in the rest of it. I could spend hours sitting in a windowless truck with a sergeant, waiting for something to come through on the radio and reading his collections of dirty jokes, and that was fine. But, on maneuvers, a superior officer inexplicably decided it'd be "safer" to stick me way out in the bushes all by myself under my tarp, where I felt very lonely and vulnerable. (I'm sure I heard wolves! ) And yet, when we were moving as a troop and didn't have time to pitch camp, he was completely okay with me sleeping in the middle of a pile of exhausted men, like we were all puppies. I can sleep with a man's head in my lap, but I wasn't allowed to pitch my tent near his.

My guess is, they really didn't have any standards for integrating women into the force and they were feeling their way blind. I really hope things have standardized by now, because it was hard never knowing what was appropriate and what wasn't.

Especially as I was somehow supposed to know, and could be criticized for not anticipating, and yet my superiors were entirely inconsistent themselves. I still remember showing up late for the ritual handing out of condoms. The sergeant ordered me to kneel and ask for it... which was flippin' hilarious to all those 19 year old boys.

And it was absolutely because I was a girl. The sniggering and jokes about "on your knees" left no doubt.

(Edit: I should add, in case I've given the wrong impression, that I really enjoyed my time working with the military. It was fun, challenging, and I liked most of my colleagues. I'm not the sort to faint at a naughty joke. I did come out of it, though, with a more finely tuned sense of what it means to be a woman in a traditionally male-dominated environment.)

That is horrible and there should have been severe consequences for that Sergeant

 

[Magpie]

That is horrible and there should have been severe consequences for that Sergeant

Oh, there's SO many worse things our superiors could have got in trouble for allowing!

In the grand scheme of things, while I was highly irritated with everyone, I didn't find the experience particularly "horrible". Should it have happened? Definitely not. And I hope they've cracked down on that kind of thing.

But, compared to what some of the more unfortunate men (boys, really) went through... I never felt that I was getting the worst of it.

Interestingly, gender bias often hurt the guys just as much as it hurt me. I remember my glee when I finally figured out how to use my fully body weight (all 125 lbs) to successfully dig a trench. I went on a trench-digging spree, volunteering to dig them all. There was a man I was working with who was several inches shorter then me and all of 115 lbs soaking wet. When the other men saw him struggling to dig his own trench (he didn't have the technique down yet), they really laid into him. Shoved him around. Mocked his masculinity. Pointed to me and said that "little girl" was more of a soldier than he was. Almost brought the poor guy to tears. I felt horrible, but I couldn't say or do anything to defend him, because that would have just made things worse.

I did talk to him privately afterward, though. He stuck it out and last I heard of him he was going for officer training.

And stuff would happen to guys that was even worse than that. "Blanket parties" (rolling a guy in a blanket so a whole lot of guys could punch him without leaving marks) were a thing, that I thankfully never had to witness, but I did hear about. And I knew someone it happened to. Mind you, I was young enough to not really care. He was a grabby, handsy creep, who'd once tried to tackle me in order to cop a feel and broke my camera in the process (and didn't even pay to get it fixed!). So while I knew they didn't beat him out of any noble impulse or desire to protect me, I still thought it couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy.

Gender bias even protected me, in a bizarre way, as no one there would ever dare hit a girl. Tease her, sure. But hit her? Never.

While I recognize that throwing a bunch of young men and women into close quarters, and pushing their limits, is naturally going to create a highly charged atmosphere, I do hold out hope that things have improved since the late eighties. I know there's got to be better ways to run things, than the way it was when I was in! And I bet there's countries with integrated armed forces all over the world who are making it work (maybe even mine - it's been decades since I was in).

 

[ronandannette]

If my aging memory serves me right. He is a man whose wife did have an affair, they divorced, and the last I recall him posting here was, his heartache, then re-entry into the dating scene, and the tremendous support we Disers gave him.

Guess again. This thread was started in 2004 - almost 10 years before you registered here. Whoever or whatever RIDISN is or was, it's not the guy that used the cartoon of Drew Carey as his avatar.

 

[NFLDERS]

Guess again. This thread was started in 2004 - almost 10 years before you registered here. Whoever or whatever RIDISN is or was, it's not the guy that used the cartoon of Drew Carey as his avatar.

You are right. What was his (Drew Carey Avatar guy's) name!? It will drive me crazy until I remember... sigh

 

[Squirlz]

Lol...let me ask my cat...

He said it was cool but for us to use uber if we get wrecked.

I'll only be drinking cokes.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I've contemplated counseling, both individually or as a couple. I can only imagine what a counselor would say to him. It wouldn't be pretty, as he still travels and still interacts with young single professional women. We have hashed out a lot of these issues but I still have found ongoing stupid lies of recent - denying certain girls are at a lunch. Flat out saying they weren't when they were. Of course I have seen the texts that confirm they were, and his reply..... "I know how sensitive you are about them, it was just lunch. I'm sorry I shouldn't have lied." So I just keep him aware of my disapproval and stay on him. Hopefully he will learn to trust my reaction.

Thank you! He is a good man, provider and father. Im still working on the trust. I think it wil be years before I stop the "checking" if ever.....

No, he isn't, if he's still lying to you. And what kind of good father lies over and over again to the mother of his children?

 

[NFLDERS]

You are right. What was his (Drew Carey Avatar guy's) name!? It will drive me crazy until I remember... sigh

I seem to recall caps of RDR something...

 

[ronandannette]

I seem to recall caps of RDR something...

Patience, patience - I'm sure some DISleuth will take up the challenge and find him for you!

 

[Frankie Nova]

Self Discipline, and Self Control!?[/QUOTE

LOL
Do not underestimate the power of Sin.
God disciple and God Control
Lets face it we wouldn't have made some of the mistakes we have made in life if it were that easy!

 

[Frankie Nova]

And this is fine, as long as you are ethical enough never to accept a job offer that would have you either working closely with women, for women, or in a supervisory position over women. You also need to be responsible enough not to favour men over women in your hiring practices or in the workplace (for ex, by spending time one-on-one in strategy meetings with men, but not women or mentoring men, but not women). And if you ever find yourself in the position where your faith is preventing you from behaving equitably toward both men and women, you should immediately resign.

It's fine to put all sorts of rules on yourself, but you should never allow your personal taboos to get in someone else's way, whether you are a "Christian man" or Conservative Muslim or Orthodox Jewish or belong to any other faith which teaches that men and women should not interact.

This is exactly why I am always in favour of a clear separation between church and state.

By the way, at 45, married since my early 20s, and Unitarian, I am not likely to find myself "surprised" any more by my libido. I know quite well what I, and my husband have control over (namely, our choices and our actions - taking personal responsibility is VERY important to us both). Your rules need to be for you alone, and should never be imposed on others who do not share your faith.

Look at the first 7 words of my reply!!!

 

[Frankie Nova]

I've asked this before but nobody answered, so maybe you'll take a shot at it.

Why does it seem that adultery is the only thing certain groups seems to believe they need to safeguard against? I am aware of some people who believe as you do who go hunting with friends. Are they not worried that, if they have an argument with someone in their hunting party, they might be led down the path of committing murder? Some people with the above mindset work in retail or banking. Are they not concerned about being tempted to steal, and therefore should find different employment? After all, no opportunity, no regret could apply to the other commandments, too, right? I genuinely do not see why there is such a huge focus on adultery and not the other commandments / temptations.

That is a very great question!
I will take a stab at that. In my opinion there is a danger as well in the areas that you have mentioned. I just believe that draw of attraction to the opposite sex is stronger and not only that, God has given us that attraction purposely. That being said our sexual drive is a God given attribute that was and is acceptable by God ( Done in His standards, whole nother topic) . Now the other things you mentioned to safeguard against are not God given but the sinful heart of man.
Do I have a desire for women YES I do, God made me that way. Do I have a desire to steal WELL NO but put in the right situation I may be tempted to do so.
Eve in the garden was giving the desire for adam her husband( God given)but she was told to stay away from the fruit but she be began to rationalize eating it ( satan)( well its good to eat , I want to feed my husband and it will make me wise, I would like more wisdom as the women of the home ..... rationalized her way right into it ( unnatural unlike sexual attraction)
We are drawn to sex a beautiful gift (GOD HAS GIVEN) to a man and women
We are drawn to Sin opposition to what (GOD HAS GIVEN) but in our natural sinful state as humans.

Finalizing I would say this ...Sexual attraction this God given Attribute coupled with our Lustful sinful nature makes it a stronger and more dangerous of all temptations!
hope it helps . Just my take on it

 

[Frankie Nova]

And this is fine, as long as you are ethical enough never to accept a job offer that would have you either working closely with women, for women, or in a supervisory position over women. You also need to be responsible enough not to favour men over women in your hiring practices or in the workplace (for ex, by spending time one-on-one in strategy meetings with men, but not women or mentoring men, but not women). And if you ever find yourself in the position where your faith is preventing you from behaving equitably toward both men and women, you should immediately resign.

It's fine to put all sorts of rules on yourself, but you should never allow your personal taboos to get in someone else's way, whether you are a "Christian man" or Conservative Muslim or Orthodox Jewish or belong to any other faith which teaches that men and women should not interact.

This is exactly why I am always in favour of a clear separation between church and state.

By the way, at 45, married since my early 20s, and Unitarian, I am not likely to find myself "surprised" any more by my libido. I know quite well what I, and my husband have control over (namely, our choices and our actions - taking personal responsibility is VERY important to us both). Your rules need to be for you alone, and should never be imposed on others who do not share your faith.

Point and case https://www.cheatingspousepi.com/affair_at_work/

 

[Frankie Nova]

Self Discipline, and Self Control!?

opps Case and point LOL

 

[sam_gordon]

Point and case https://www.cheatingspousepi.com/affair_at_work/

I'm not sure what the point of you linking this is regarding the original point of the thread. OK, fine, a workplace affair is the most common. But having the same lunch time (the only thing regarding lunch) is only one part of the equation. If "going to lunch" with the opposite sex is such a temptation and you think this article supports that, then you shouldn't even work those of the opposite sex. Also, the headline of the article is not supported in the body. It claims "the latest statistics" but doesn't talk about a single study to back it up.

Regarding your earlier post about sexual attraction, I'd love to discuss it, but feel that would violate board guidelines, so I'll just let it go.

 

[Frankie Nova]

Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised this has been allowed to continue to this point?

I'm not sure what the point of you linking this is regarding the original point of the thread. OK, fine, a workplace affair is the most common. But having the same lunch time (the only thing regarding lunch) is only one part of the equation. If "going to lunch" with the opposite sex is such a temptation and you think this article supports that, then you shouldn't even work those of the opposite sex. Also, the headline of the article is not supported in the body. It claims "the latest statistics" but doesn't talk about a single study to back it up.

Regarding your earlier post about sexual attraction, I'd love to discuss it, but feel that would violate board guidelines, so I'll just let it go.

all opinion my friend...that is all