Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[amberpi]

If you've never worked in an environment where cheating was common, you're lucky. I'm really surprised so many don't appear to find it as common as I've experience in my professional & personal life. I'm not saying anyone here has a SO that would cheat nor am I saying you're wrong for feeling that way. I don't know any of your spouses/fiances/etc., but I personally wouldn't put it past anyone, if the stars aligned.

That's flipping INTENSE @tarheelmjfan! I might have a different opinion if I'd had that experience.

 

[amberpi]

I happen to work in an industry that is extremely male-dominant. Yet, here I am - I'm their boss.

I love hearing these stories Me too and it makes me prouder than I would be otherwise, or if I had gone into one of the family businesses.

 

[ronandannette]

I have to assume the work aspect of the trip was already over, and there were no important meetings to attend, because otherwise I'd think the coworker who bailed would be looking for a new job.

I can just imagine her boss thinking, "I paid for this trip, arranged time off so you could attend the conference, and you took off in the middle of it! Not cool."

What trip are you talking about? What conference, what meetings?? READ the post - it says three co-workers went to Panera (Bread) for lunch. This is exactly what I meant by exaggeration and mischaracterization...

 

[wilkeliza]

That's flipping INTENSE @tarheelmjfan! I might have a different opinion if I'd had that experience.

Eh people cheat in my office and it hasn't changed my stance. Like I said we have the ability to discuss if someone has become too close. With that said I go for coffee with the same guy at least 3-4 times a week and sometimes we take a midday walk together. Fiance has met the guy and quite frankly I'm not this guy's type so no harm. I just don't fit in with the women at work at all (If I have to hear about the nee weekly diet 1 more tune I might die) so I'd be pretty lonely if I was off limits from havig lunch with the same 1 or 2 male coworkers.

 

[amberpi]

Eh people cheat in my office and it hasn't changed my stance. Like I said we have the ability to discuss if someone has become too close. With that said I go for coffee with the same guy at least 3-4 times a week and sometimes we take a midday walk together. Fiance has met the guy and quite frankly I'm not this guy's type so no harm. I just don't fit in with the women at work at all (If I have to hear about the nee weekly diet 1 more tune I might die) so I'd be pretty lonely if I was off limits from havig lunch with the same 1 or 2 male coworkers.

Not a problem for me either - and I have made dear friends with men I've worked with, like you're describing. I fundamentally believe that men and woman can easily be friends, but if I was in a place were it was happening under every desk, I might not reconsider.

 

[bdcp]

That's flipping INTENSE @tarheelmjfan! I might have a different opinion if I'd had that experience.

I think a lot of people are really oblivious to how often this happens in workplaces. I work in an environment where most people can't share what they do with their spouses. As a result, you see affairs. The fact is, people who work together have things in common that spouses don't.

As for the Christian umbrella, I am a believer, as is DH, but I can wear any swimsuit I want. do pretty much anything I want, etc. I also know plenty of homeschool parents who are the same. There are extremes on both sides.

Anyone can fall and those that think they are immune, aren't. No one is. Just ask any marriage counselor or pastor. Workplace lunches are very common, but the individuals who use the workplace to cover what else they are doing is also common. Most everyone I know has a story of a friend who was cheated on by a spouse with a co-worker. Comparing it to murder is a strange thing to do. The things that drive people to cheat vary. Some just do, others get caught up in a moment or what mostly happens is someone meets another at work or school or whatever, starts an innocent get together that evolves. Never think it can't happen. Does it always? No, but it can. DH decided a long time ago to never put himself in a situation that it could happen and he hasn't.

I have never had a job (nor has DH) that required a get together of just two people outside of the workplace and I'd say that's more the norm than not. I'm sure some have used that excuse, but it's not that common. Mentoring where I work is a very public thing and usually involves same sex since they are the ones that can help the most. We have very senior women who mentor other women on a regular basis.

As for what a pp said, some of the most "open minded" people I know are really the most judgmental and I'm seeing that on this thread.

 

[CarolAnn856]

The funny thing is those who are claiming to be the most open minded are being the most judgmental.

Ugh. The standby comment usually reserved for use by those who would trample on the right of others. I'm not saying that this discussion comes to the level of, for example, marriage equality, of course, or that the above poster falls into that category. But that retort always seems to surface in those debates.

It is possible, you know, to be open-minded and still disagree with concepts or belief systems. Personally, I'm open-minded enough to believe that if limiting contact with others is what you want to do, then you have the right to do so. I can also hold certain opinions about the practice that, due to board rules, I cannot outline but are definitely in the "I don't agree with" camp.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

This is a really interesting thread to me. I'm single and the only female in my department. There was a brief two-month span where I wasn't but other than that it's just me.

I've been out with my whole team and all my teammates individually. We almost always take one car as well. I would think it very odd if somebody couldn't go to chat about xyz over lunch or coffee because I'm female. It would honestly make me feel really unwelcome on my team.

For awhile we also had shared offices so it was myself and a male co-worker almost all day in a room with the door closed. I'm curious if those who avoid these situations would ask for other arrangements?

I think everything is situational. Somebody is trying to get close or says things that are suggestive-by all means don't hang out with them alone. A person is known to be on the prowl in the office? Yep, stick with the group. But I've never even thought about a blanket rule for all males/females while in a relationship. To me (my opinion for myself) that would feel smothering and like the opposite of respect and would lead to parting ways.

 

[Magpie]

What trip are you talking about? What conference, what meetings?? READ the post - it says three co-workers went to Panera (Bread) for lunch. This is exactly what I meant by exaggeration and mischaracterization...

Sorry, I didn't realize Panera was a restaurant, not a place!

We don't have that chain here.

Also... that kind of makes it even weirder. You can't sit at a table in a public place with a coworker of the opposite sex for any length of time? If your chaperone/coworker leaves, you have to both skedaddle as fast as you can?

Why?? Is the attraction between men and women so incredibly powerful you can't even talk to each other comfortably over the remains of a meal, without risking infidelity?

Anyway, I'll go edit my post!

 

[ronandannette]

This is a really interesting thread to me. I'm single and the only female in my department. There was a brief two-month span where I wasn't but other than that it's just me.

I've been out with my whole team and all my teammates individually. We almost always take one car as well. I would think it very odd if somebody couldn't go to chat about xyz over lunch or coffee because I'm female. It would honestly make me feel really unwelcome on my team.

For awhile we also had shared offices so it was myself and a male co-worker almost all day in a room with the door closed. I'm curious if those who avoid these situations would ask for other arrangements?

I think everything is situational. Somebody is trying to get close or says things that are suggestive-by all means don't hang out with them alone. A person is known to be on the prowl in the office? Yep, stick with the group. But I've never even thought about a blanket rule for all males/females while in a relationship. To me (my opinion for myself) that would feel smothering and like the opposite of respect and would lead to parting ways.

No, I'd be fine with sharing an office. And as far as lunch or coffee goes, I'd just politely decline - no big deal, and make an opportunity during work time to discuss anything work-related that needed to be addressed.

FWIW, since it seems to mean so much to so many, if I was required to attend a business lunch with a man alone, OK, I'd do that. But honestly, that would simply never be required in my situation. What I do avoid is going out socially for lunch or anything else and frankly, most lunches out are far more social than business-related.

 

[ronandannette]

Sorry, I didn't realize Panera was a restaurant, not a place!

We don't have that chain here.

Also... that kind of makes it even weirder. You can't sit at a table in a public place with a coworker of the opposite sex for any length of time? If your chaperone/coworker leaves, you have to both skedaddle as fast as you can?

Why?? Is the attraction between men and women so incredibly powerful you can't even talk to each other comfortably over the remains of a meal, without risking infidelity?

Anyway, I'll go edit my post!

Nice try at the save - I still find your post pretty absurd.

 

[Magpie]

Nice try at the save - I still find your post pretty absurd.

Of course you do!

You seem to believe it's inappropriate for a married man and a woman who is not his wife to have lunch together at a chain restaurant.

I should mention that my husband just said, "Feel free to mention I'm currently packing to go on a business trip with an attractive female coworker!"

I like that man!

 

[bdcp]

Ugh. The standby comment usually reserved for use by those who would trample on the right of others. I'm not saying that this discussion comes to the level of, for example, marriage equality, of course, or that the above poster falls into that category. But that retort always seems to surface in those debates.

It is possible, you know, to be open-minded and still disagree with concepts or belief systems. Personally, I'm open-minded enough to believe that if limiting contact with others is what you want to do, then you have the right to do so. I can also hold certain opinions about the practice that, due to board rules, I cannot outline but are definitely in the "I don't agree with" camp.

Um, okay. Except those that are terribly offended and stating that people have "weak marriages" are the ones that claim to be "open minded:". Open minded individuals always seems to say if someone doesn't agree with them, they are closed minded. You kind of made my point. Just sayin....

 

[CarolAnn856]

Nice try at the save - I still find your post pretty absurd.

And most people think that questioning whether to finish a meal in a public restaurant simply because a chaperone wasn't available (and really, that's what the third person was) is absurd.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

That's flipping INTENSE @tarheelmjfan! I might have a different opinion if I'd had that experience.

You have no idea. It was bad.

Eh people cheat in my office and it hasn't changed my stance. Like I said we have the ability to discuss if someone has become too close. With that said I go for coffee with the same guy at least 3-4 times a week and sometimes we take a midday walk together. Fiance has met the guy and quite frankly I'm not this guy's type so no harm. I just don't fit in with the women at work at all (If I have to hear about the nee weekly diet 1 more tune I might die) so I'd be pretty lonely if I was off limits from havig lunch with the same 1 or 2 male coworkers.

I respect the fact that you & your fiance have no problem with who the other spends time with. I'm definitely not trying to suggest you should feel differently. That's the way your relationship works, which is great. Even you admit it's not unusual for people to cheat. I think that's what most people are saying.

Ugh. The standby comment usually reserved for use by those who would trample on the right of others. I'm not saying that this discussion comes to the level of, for example, marriage equality, of course, or that the above poster falls into that category. But that retort always seems to surface in those debates.

It is possible, you know, to be open-minded and still disagree with concepts or belief systems. Personally, I'm open-minded enough to believe that if limiting contact with others is what you want to do, then you have the right to do so. I can also hold certain opinions about the practice that, due to board rules, I cannot outline but are definitely in the "I don't agree with" camp.

There's nothing standby about my response. That's ridiculous. As I was reading through this thread, it really jumped out at me that those who disagreed with their spouses spending a lot of time with a single individual were being ridiculed for saying so. Some posters were worse than others. That's not the least bit open-minded. An open-minded person would accept that not everyone agreed with them & respect that. You can feel anyway you want, but you can't be open-minded & question someone's trust in their spouse or devotion to their marriage, because they don't agree with the way you choose to live your life.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Um, okay. Except those that are terribly offended and stating that people have "weak marriages" are the ones that claim to be "open minded:". Open minded always seems to be if someone doesn't agree with you, they are closed minded. Just sayin....

Not everyone who finds this practice odd has said that it means a weak marriage.

And again, those who look to limit others' freedoms only use the open minded comment to try to give their position some credibility. Sorry, but no. Nobody needs to accept viewpoints that seek to degrade others in order to be considered open minded. (This comment really doesn't pertain to this thread, so apologies for going off-topic.)

There's nothing standby about my response. That's ridiculous. As I was reading through this thread, it really jumped out at me that those who disagreed with their spouses spending a lot of time with a single individual were being ridiculed for saying so. Some posters were worse than others. That's not the least bit open-minded. An open-minded person would accept that not everyone agreed with them & respect that. You can feel anyway you want, but you can't be open-minded & question someone's trust in their spouse or devotion to their marriage, because they don't agree with the way you choose to live your life.

Please see the above, and please re-read my comment. And again, I believe others have a right to do what they want as far as not eating with the opposite gender, even if I don't agree with the practice.

 

[bdcp]

The point here really is that everyone has an opinion and people can do what WORKS FOR THEM. Judging someone by saying they must have a "weak marriage" or don't trust their spouse isn't fair, nor is it anyone else's call.

My DH is sitting here with me right now and he's the first to tell you, as a man, that our marriage is more important than any work lunch. But, as I posted in my original, he OCCASIONALLY goes out with a mutual female friend. Some of what I have said has been taken completely out of context, but if you are truly "open minded" you won't care what anyone else does.

 

[ronandannette]

Of course you do!

You seem to believe it's inappropriate for a married man and a woman who is not his wife to have lunch together at a chain restaurant.

I should mention that my husband just said, "Feel free to mention I'm currently packing to go on a business trip with an attractive female coworker!"

I like that man!

Ah, but here's the thing - I never once said I thought it was inappropriate, or made any comment whatsoever about whether or not anyone else should do it, or assigned any nefarious motives to anybody that does it. What I said - very specifically and clearly - was that my husband and I don't do it. We don't want to do it, we aren't interested in doing it, we don't do it. And what exactly, kind of reaction would you like to the comment about your husband? I hope they have a successful trip and travel safely.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

This is a really interesting thread to me. I'm single and the only female in my department. There was a brief two-month span where I wasn't but other than that it's just me.

I've been out with my whole team and all my teammates individually. We almost always take one car as well. I would think it very odd if somebody couldn't go to chat about xyz over lunch or coffee because I'm female. It would honestly make me feel really unwelcome on my team.

For awhile we also had shared offices so it was myself and a male co-worker almost all day in a room with the door closed. I'm curious if those who avoid these situations would ask for other arrangements?

I think everything is situational. Somebody is trying to get close or says things that are suggestive-by all means don't hang out with them alone. A person is known to be on the prowl in the office? Yep, stick with the group. But I've never even thought about a blanket rule for all males/females while in a relationship. To me (my opinion for myself) that would feel smothering and like the opposite of respect and would lead to parting ways.

Again, we're talking about a married individual spending all their free time at work with the same person, when there is another option. You & your coworker were working in your shared office. I don't think anyone sees anything wrong with that. That's not the same as you & he choosing to spend all your meals & other work situations alone as well, when there were other people who would have been happy to have you join them.

 

[Magpie]

There's nothing standby about my response. That's ridiculous. As I was reading through this thread, it really jumped out at me that those who disagreed with their spouses spending a lot of time with a single individual were being ridiculed for saying so. Some posters were worse than others. That's not the least bit open-minded. An open-minded person would accept that not everyone agreed with them & respect that. You can feel anyway you want, but you can't be open-minded & question someone's trust in their spouse or devotion to their marriage, because they don't agree with the way you choose to live your life.

All "open-minded" means is being willing to reevaluate your position, if given a good enough reason to do so.

It doesn't mean you have to accept everything everyone else says. It doesn't mean you can't have strong opinions on a topic. It doesn't mean you can't think the other person is wrong. Heck, you can be very open minded and still ridicule your opponant, though obviously it's better to try to be respectful of others when engaging them in debate. At least, if your goal is to get them to think about their position, then be respectful. If your goal is just scoring points off them, then ridicule away.