I'm apparently the bad guy (child vent ahead)

[morgan98]

I hate that saying. I've seen some members of the village and I do NOT want them interacting with my children.

Well quite frankly there are parents who are not doing the best at raising their kids too.

 

[melanielll]

Oh - I thought the comment about getting a car and learning to handle yourself in public was directed at the underperforming mom.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

Maybe the mom has a disability. Or maybe the mom just experienced a life event...there are too many scenarios to speculate. But, maybe she was too stressed by other events to address the behavior.

Or maybe, it wasn't the mother, maybe it was another relative stepping in to help with these kids...perhaps....

You can not know what happened in the lives of these people that brought them to this time and place. Whatever it was, it may have been playing out in the form of bad behavior. The OP doesn't have any way of knowing.

Just because someone experienced a life event doesn't give a parent the right to not be a parent, you don't stop being a parent because you are having a hard time. It doesn't excuse the parent from correcting their child's poor behavior, and while yes there are children who have disabilities most parents I know who have children that have a disability attempt to redirect their behavior or correct it and just don't stand there or sit there like a bump on a log. It's the parents job to take care of their kids in situations that may be upsetting for them. Heck I'm sure if the parent had said "Oh i'm so sorry," or some kind of acknowledgment that she realizes that her children are behaving incredibly poorly.

There is no excuse for poor behavior, and I wish people would stop trying to excuse it because no one wants to take responsibility for someones actions.

 

[FrenchGirl]

[QUOTE="
You can not know what happened in the lives of these people that brought them to this time and place. Whatever it was, it may have been playing out in the form of bad behavior. The OP doesn't have any way of knowing.[/QUOTE]

This. You just can't possibly know. It helps to have a little compassion. If I had been in that situation I'd have tried to engage the kids a bit (but that's just me). Also a smile towards mom might have helped turn her day around. It's likely she was overwhelmed and a bit embarrassed.

 

[Tattylou]

If you're riding public transportation you're going to deal with annoying stuff....annoying kids, annoying adults, annoying smells, delays, etc
I'd just wear ear buds and listen to some music. I know that isn't the point of this post, but the world is full of ppl behaving in ways we might not agree with or understand or believe in or whatever. Try not to let it bother you.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man...

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Just because someone experienced a life event doesn't give a parent the right to not be a parent, you don't stop being a parent because you are having a hard time. It doesn't excuse the parent from correcting their child's poor behavior, and while yes there are children who have disabilities most parents I know who have children that have a disability attempt to redirect their behavior or correct it and just don't stand there or sit there like a bump on a log. It's the parents job to take care of their kids in situations that may be upsetting for them. Heck I'm sure if the parent had said "Oh i'm so sorry," or some kind of acknowledgment that she realizes that her children are behaving incredibly poorly.

There is no excuse for poor behavior, and I wish people would stop trying to excuse it because no one wants to take responsibility for someones actions.

I came back home late last night (from WDW, of course; DS was at home with DH and started running a fever yesterday morning. Won't break, and now there's vomiting, so we're off to urgent care when they open, as his pediatrician is on vacation for the next 2 weeks and we can't get in to the cover doc).

Anyways, there were kids running all up and down the walkways outside our room at POP (end room near the stairs, by the playground) yesterday afternoon. There was some rain, and maybe a bit of thunder going on. But these kids....not sure if there was a herd of them or if they were just running and stomping heavily, but they actually shook the window! Running up and down the stairs, running on the different levels of walkways, and not an adult voice in hearing distance. Plenty of screaming, though. At least one kid in tears during the two hours this was going on.

About 30 minutes later (when I was this close [ ] to calling about them, I hear an adult yell "Time to come in" and the herd ran off. Quiet resumed, and then my grandson woke up when a loud laugh track came on the tv.
slept through the herd, woke up to a laugh.

There was no one telling those kids to stop running on the walkways, or to not jump off the stairs, or to stop screaming; and that irritates me. I get hating being cooped up due to weather; we were stuck in our room in 2011 due to severe weather over a 24 hour period. That still doesn't excuse not parenting, though.

Maybe I'm just old, because I raised my kids to not run down walkways/hotel halls, and to be quiet outside other people's rooms. Just like when we rode the bus (in Colorado, I didn't have a car for 3 or 4 years, and we took the bus everywhere). We sat and talked quietly or read but we did not shout or make messes.

 

[Poohlove]

I have noticed that what people find acceptable varies wildly. If this is how the kids are at home the mom probably doesn't bat an eye at them acting like this in public. She is probably able to tune it out. If she was in fact having a bad morning and this isn't her norm she has a responsibility as a parent to hold it together until they get to where they are going (presumably school or day care at that time of the day) and then she can zone out.

Just as parents have bad days so do the people who coexist with them and their children. I'm sure we have all been there and said or done something that we may or may not be proud of in retrospect. I once told a child to knock it off and behave herself after she was walking up and down the line at the cash register throwing candy on the floor and hitting people. When she hit me is when I said it, her mom had the nerve to get mad at me. I still to this day shake my head about it. Now that I'm a little older I probably would have had a few more words for mom lol

 

[ConnecticutFlea]

So after the kid is yelling nonstop for 5 minutes, I asked the mom if she was going to do anything about it. (She has done NOTHING to gain control of the kids this entire time.) Someone actually piped up and said "It's not her fault." I was flabbergasted. Her kids were out of control and she did NOTHING. How is it not her fault? And someone else said they felt bad for her.

Thanks. I feel better.

I find it interesting that you were on the subway with many people who witnessed the same scene. You were the only one who felt it necessary to speak up, yet two others came forward to defend the women. We have only your perspective of the events, and in your description it is clear that at least two others considered your behavior bad. I wasn't there; I really can't judge what happened. I have no idea if your behavior was justified or not, but it apparently led to you coming here for validation.

We have all seen children behaving badly. We have all seen what we consider to be bad parenting. We are all guilty of making snap judgements. But as someone else mentioned, all we can control is how we react.

 

[DisneyOma]

I have only two children. Both of them are autistic. And yes, I have had them BOTH flip out on me in public at the same time. And I do what I can, usually swiftly leave wherever we are and deal with it in privacy of our car or home, which consists of staying deadly calm while they lose it and be there for a hug and to talk them down when they can tolerate listening. I used to have to physically lay down on my younger son to provide deep pressure and prevent him from hurting himself. They are older now and usually so well behaved that no one has any clue they are autistic. But sometimes, lately, our 12 year old, for some reason just starts SCREAMING (this is a normally fully verbal and articulate child who is highly intelligent). It comes out of nowhere (usually in restaurants) and when questioned about it after it happens, our son does not know why he does it and says he cannot help it. And he cries and beats himself up about it because he assumes everyone is mad at him for something he cannot control.

I really just wonder what does it look like TO YOU to "control" something like that? What is your yardstick for measuring whether a parent is "doing enough" or not?

You've probably already done this - but what does his therapist or doctor tell him to do when he gets to the screaming point, or feel it coming on, etc? This is definitely a huge issue to work on - how can he work anywhere, or even go to college, if he might scream out in the middle of work, or in the middle of lecture?

they are not different it's the parents to set limits and teach there kids how to behave . ADD/ADHD is to me is really not a disability. it can
be controlled,but a lot of parents use the behavior as an excuse. I am tired of hearing oh he/she has ADHD. My child is 28yrs and knows how to
be respectful and has been at his job for almost 10yrs. I cant stand how its the ADD/ADHD.

While it is a disability, it certainly doesn't excuse rude/obnoxious behavior. I think a lot of parents think it does excuse bad behavior. A person can have an issue with attention and activity and not be rude, attention seeking, and inappropriate.

Maybe the mom has a disability.

If the mom has a disability that affects the care of her children, she should not have those children in her care.

 

[MickeyMinnieMom]

I find it interesting that you were on the subway with many people who witnessed the same scene. You were the only one who felt it necessary to speak up, yet two others came forward to defend the women.

On this point, I'd say this happens ALL THE TIME. Bad behavior by adults or kids is witnessed and most will just keep quiet. Whether it's because they think it's just not worth getting into a confrontation, or they think that's just part of being in public these days, or they're flabbergasted and can't even think of what to say!

A bunch of people standing around and not saying anything isn't really proof of anything. And people jumping to her defense? Lots of people these days appear dedicated to absolving anyone of bad behavior -- nothing is ever someone's fault -- no personal responsibility.

As you say, we weren't there. Maybe this seemed like a bigger deal to OP than the others there, or maybe others were as appalled and didn't want to bother for whatever reason. We don't know.

ETA: I will say that if it was just as described, I would have found it absolutely unacceptable. Probably would have squeezed through the crowd and changed cars if a long ride, or put in earphones and done my best to ignore. But I can understand someone choosing to pipe up and say something. Different strokes!

 

[melanielll]

The behavior may not be her fault - but handling it is her responsibility.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well quite frankly there are parents who are not doing the best at raising their kids too.

I agree and when it's causing large and lasting detriment to the child, I think we should speak up, either to the parent or to CPS, but other than that (or if, say you see a child who is about to run into the street, or in any other immediate danger), I will not butt in and I do not want others butting in.

We all have different standards, values, and viewpoints and we should not force them on others, IMO.

 

[MickeyMinnieMom]

I agree and when it's causing large and lasting detriment to the child, I think we should speak up, either to the parent or to CPS, but other than that (or if, say you see a child who is about to run into the street, or in any other immediate danger), I will not butt in and I do not want others butting in.

We all have different standards, values, and viewpoints and we should not force them on others, IMO.

I'll tell you when I HAVE said something: when the child was being a danger to him/herself or others.

Example: At DD's elementary school after school one day, two kids were standing on an elevated platform of sorts and LOBBING ROCKS ACCROSS THE WALKING PATH leading to the school. Their parents were off to the side having a nice chat. As I was about to walk right into their path and one child held up a rock overhead ready to throw it, I told them loudly to "stop it -- that's very dangerous". The kids stopped. The parents looked over, shook their heads and kept chatting. Yup.

Another time in WDW a father/son duo was "wrestling" or something in line. We tried to create a bit of space to stay out of their way, but at one point the dad shoved his son into my daughter -- that was that. I told him he needed to stop. They laughed (yeah - hilarious) but did stop.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You've probably already done this - but what does his therapist or doctor tell him to do when he gets to the screaming point, or feel it coming on, etc? This is definitely a huge issue to work on - how can he work anywhere, or even go to college, if he might scream out in the middle of work, or in the middle of lecture?



While it is a disability, it certainly doesn't excuse rude/obnoxious behavior. I think a lot of parents think it does excuse bad behavior. A person can have an issue with attention and activity and not be rude, attention seeking, and inappropriate.



If the mom has a disability that affects the care of her children, she should not have those children in her care.

Of course, but ADHD can also cause a person to be rude, attention seeking, and inappropriate, especially when they're young. Does that mean a parent shouldn't help them learn how to stop those behaviors? No, but it definitely takes time and a varying amount of time depending on the child and the adult. ADHD is a spectrum disorder. Also, just because a child can control himself one day, it doesn't mean they'll be able to the next.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'll tell you when I HAVE said something: when the child was being a danger to him/herself or others.

Example: At DD's elementary school after school one day, two kids were standing on an elevated platform of sorts and LOBBING ROCKS ACCROSS THE WALKING PATH leading to the school. Their parents were off to the side having a nice chat. As I was about to walk right into their path and one child held up a rock overhead ready to throw it, I told them loudly to "stop it -- that's very dangerous". The kids stopped. The parents looked over, shook their heads and kept chatting. Yup.

I definitely agree with you and have done the same.

 

[Tasha228]

Maybe the mom has a disability. Or maybe the mom just experienced a life event...there are too many scenarios to speculate. But, maybe she was too stressed by other events to address the behavior.

Or maybe, it wasn't the mother, maybe it was another relative stepping in to help with these kids...perhaps....

You can not know what happened in the lives of these people that brought them to this time and place. Whatever it was, it may have been playing out in the form of bad behavior. The OP doesn't have any way of knowing.

Very true. Or maybe she just had bratty kids. Or maybe she just didn't want to deal with disciplining them. The truth is NONE of us know. But, I'm sorry, just excusing bad behavior because *MAYBE* the kids (and now apparently the mom) have disabilities is why so many entitled out of control people exist nowadays. There was a time people would have nipped this behavior in the bud and quick, fast, and in a hurry. Now everyone is so afraid of offending someone or worried someone may have a disability that bad behavior is becoming a new norm. I've never personally been good at the whole PC thing so I'm afraid I'm not as quick to excuse it.

 

[MickeyMinnieMom]

But, I'm sorry, just excusing bad behavior because *MAYBE* the kids (and now apparently the mom) have disabilities is why so many entitled out of control people exist nowadays. There was a time people would have nipped this behavior in the bud and quick, fast, and in a hurry. Now everyone is so afraid of offending someone or worried someone may have a disability that bad behavior is becoming a new norm. I've never personally been good at the whole PC thing so I'm afraid I'm not as quick to excuse it.

Agreed. Guess the first ones in our family to complain about kids not being disciplined?? MY KIDS!!

They complain that at school, many teachers are far too lenient... so worried about coming down on one disruptive kid, that the whole class gets derailed. The school in general is VERY sensitive to... well... everything... and I think is even contributing to the kids being overly-sensitive. Interesting time to be raising young kids...

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I understand people's thoughts on disabilities I get really I have a high functioning mentally disabled (that's how it's described in my family) aunt, my husband's aunt's son is autistic and my second cousin got a very bad fever when she was young and developed a behavioral disorder as a result of brain damage and her cognitive and behavior functions is several years behind her actual age. What is interesting is the one who has the most issues is actually my second cousin. And yeah if you saw her in public you would probably say wow that is "an out of control kid" (she's like 17 now but is nowhere near that age mentally) but you wouldn't know why.

But not for one second would any of the parents or people around let a tantrum go unnnoticed. Understanding is there but so is discipline.

But I do find it interesting that at least in my experience the DIS is the only place where disabilities is brought up in just about every scenario;again just my experience. If I were to describe what the OP described none of the above parents would even think to say "well perhaps the children had disabilities I mean you never know"

It isn't a criticism really just an interesting observation. Having been surrounded by an aunt my whole life who is high functioning and then for the last 12-13 years for my second cousin (she was around 5 or so when she had the bad fever) and then for the last 9 years being around my husband's aunt's son I'm well aware.

What's more interesting is you could probably have had the same thoughts about me when I was younger-that I had a disability. I in fact had no disability I was a high strong stubborn child and yes my parents did discipline me but nowadays you would probably have someone said "oh bless their heart (meaning my parents) that poor child may have an invisible disability that must be tough". I'm not making light of the situation at all there are clearly times where people are just plain rude (like putting notes on people's cars when they use a handicap spot and that person doesn't think they should have) but it doesn't make much sense to just say "maybe just maybe the child and/or parent has a disability and that's why they were acting the way they were" on all the various scenarios I've seen on the DIS.

 

[Tasha228]

Agreed. Guess the first ones in our family to complain about kids not being disciplined?? MY KIDS!!

They complain that at school, many teachers are far too lenient... so worried about coming down on one disruptive kid, that the whole class gets derailed. The school in general is VERY sensitive to... well... everything... and I think is even contributing to the kids being overly-sensitive. Interesting time to be raising young kids...

Yes! As I mentioned previously, ds has ADHD. I had to address it with his teachers and have the testing done myself. His teacher was relieved I brought it up because they are no longer allowed to mention it UNLESS the parents bring it up first because some parents get offended. Seriously. You'd rather watch your child struggle than acknowledge and issue and get the appropriate help?!

I caution other parents not to wait on the school to address issues. Pay attention to your child and be proactive because the school is too afraid of those parents that can't handle finding out their special little snowflakes might have something that requires intervention so the truth is the school may never fully address it.